At Production, Not Reproduction:
Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I’ve also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?
There’s not much for me not to share with my daughter’s parents.
That said, I will not share with my daughter the series of emails someone in her family once sent me. Though, if asked, I would answer as to why I, generally, didn’t respond, or why I responded the way that I did on the few times that I hit the keyboard. I can explain myself. I cannot and will not attempt to explain the actions or thoughts of others.
But really, I’m otherwise an open book. My daughter’s mom knows things about me that most people do not. I trust her with my firstborn; surely I can trust her with my inner most secrets.
We initially had an issue, if you can call it that, when I first started blogging about adoption at a secret blog under a pseudonym. Apparently my writing style is quite evident, and she called me out almost immediately. We then had a few days where she had questions as to why I felt the need to share things secretly, and why I would say some things that I said. I answered her questions as best I could, but the truth is that I didn’t quite have the answers myself. That eventually brought me here, to this blog (first hosted on WordPress).
I know she hasn’t always had an easy time reading absolutely everything in the blog, but she hasn’t held things against me either. Similarly, I haven’t always had an easy time adjusting to things in their family, but I haven’t held those things against her.
It’s important for me to be this open with my daughter and her family. I don’t want secrets in our adoption. I don’t really believe in them, though I also don’t believe in creating an unnecessary rift in the one case I mentioned. Above secrets, I also believe in being honest about my feelings. It’s just how I work.