I had a difficult conversation with BigBrother yesterday. One that left me in tears. I’m not ready to discuss it. I’m just not. He is “okay,” but the conversation brought a whole new level of understanding as to how adoption affects so many people other than the adoptive parents, the birth parents and the adoptee.
I am awash in guilt.
As such, know this: adoption is not an isolated event. The effects of relinquishment/adoption will be felt by so many more people than you can begin to imagine. Adoption agencies will not counsel expectant mothers considering relinquishment to consider the emotional fallout that will be felt by their future children. But it is a reality. And it needs to be discussed. More.
I’ll discuss it. Soon. I just need to mourn and grieve a bit.
Today, I’m having a special day with my oldest son. He’s accompanying me to the Do Good Day in Pittsburgh. I’m sure we’ll talk in the car, as we always do. I know that a special day out with mom won’t solve everything. I know he’s going to have more questions. (And don’t misunderstand questioning for confusion.) But he needs this today.
I need this today.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
Twitter: thiswomanswork
says:
Hugs, Jenna. Just lots of hugs.
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I completely agree. I have said this over and over and have witnessed it first hand with my own sons, particularly my oldest who doesn’t understand why his sister doesn’t want to know HIM (“What did I do to her mom?”). Breaks my heart every time he asks. The older he gets (and more online he goes) I get more and more terrified he will try to contact her and she will ignore him or be rude to him and hence the cycle of collateral damage continues.
Adoption damages the entire natural family constellation forever. We “fix” one family and break another. We “save” one child and damage all future ones.
As you noted, at no time, did any suggest this to me.
Deep warm hugs to you and your boys.
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You are so amazing. Never forget that. Big huge hugs and lots of prayers.
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Good point. I’ve often wondered about my son’s older bio-sibling, who was old enough to see the pregnancy, notice the baby’s arrival and later disappearance when he was placed, etc. But I haven’t wondered about subsequent children. Ours isn’t an open adoption, so I guess I figured it wouldn’t be a part of their daily lives, maybe they wouldn’t even know…but how silly is that–if it’s in the mind and experience of one of the children, it’s going to be a part of their life, isn’t it?
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{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
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Thank you for sharing. Your experiences are unique to your adoption, yet give me great insight on how I can approach these future issues with sensitivity, love, support, empathy and truth within my own family. I know they will arise–sooner and later–with three adopted children in three unique open adoptions.
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This is something it would be good for me to remember. I get very wrapped up in OMG MY PREGNANCY BLAH BLAH BLAH ME ME ME. Then I sat my mom down and told her to please stop telling everybody she’s going to be a grandmother, and my dad’s response to that was: “We have a reaction to this too. This is our biological grandchild, and though we support you in your decision in every way, we have strong emotions towards this situation. You are not the only one it affects.” This sort of made me mad in the moment, because my gut reaction was NO ME ME ME but I forget that it’s really so not. I can’t even imagine the the effects it will have on any future children that might come along.
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