The newest Open Adoption Roundtable made me laugh.
We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?
Our “agency” did nothing to support openness. Nothing.
The openness that they lead me to believe was my only option involved updates for the first year, sporadic updates through a certain age (I recall five, but it may have been seven) and then nothing. It wasn’t until my daughter’s adoptive father talked about potentially visiting after the adoption that I even came to realize that open adoptions could be fully open. It was a far-fetched idea for me at the time, and I told him I would consider it, not wanting to close the door immediately but unsure of if I could handle it. (Obviously, I came to my senses!)
What was the least supportive thing? Where do I begin?
- Lying by omission by not informing me that open adoptions were not legally binding in our state.
- Not providing me with pre-placement counseling that would have helped with future openness issues.
- Not telling either adult party about the ins and outs of open adoption.
- Not providing me with post-placement counseling when I asked for it.
The list goes on. Of course, looking at the atrocities that they are still heaving upon the adoption industry, it’s not surprising to read that list, now is it?
If it wasn’t for my therapist, that I paid for myself as my “agency” refused to help me locate or pay for one, I wouldn’t have made heads or tails of open adoption. To be fair, I was her first “fully” open adoption birth mother as well. She read books, dug into our story and worked hard to come up to speed so that she could help me figure it all out. I am grateful that at least one professional, though not specifically attached to the industry, came through for me.
Twitter: Mommie_Jen
says:
The agency we adopted baby P through is convinced that contact be first name basis only and all contact goes through them. They only require contact for 12 months. 1 year. That’s it. Thankfully, baby P’s firstmom and I have full knowledge of names/addresses/contact numbers and are working on building a relationship. I would never recommend them to anyone. He was a hard-to-place case and we were matched through a third party.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
The agency we used for Kiddo encourages open adoption with birth parents and adoptive parents. Their standard minimum for semi-open is letter & photos every 3 months for the 1st year and twice a year after that until child is 18 years old. Family to Family does not do closed adoptions unless the birth mother specifically asks and even then they try to encourage some degree of openness. F2F also participates in the Texas State Adoption registry so even if they ever close, the info is there for families at a later date.
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Can I ask what agency you used? All of that sounds a lot like IAC, an agency I was working with, that SUCK SUCK SUCKED AND LIED and even WORSE they kept telling me about all the great open adoption stuff they encourage while telling the prospective parents about how they can close the adoption and walk away! And they suck! Also, the sucking!
Anyway now I’m working with a much better agency called Spence-Chapin, which was actually referred to me through the blogosphere, both by first moms and adoptive parents. I feel really really lucky about that. Go blogs!
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