So. Here we are.
The Adoptive Families Best Adoption Blogs list came out a few days after my initial post. I didn’t see it right away as last week was one of those heavy deadline weeks. I finally saw the list on Sunday evening… after I got back from the Ohio Birthparent Discussion Group meeting. I was already in a vulnerable state, so the list didn’t really go over well with me.
I decided to give it a few days, to think about it in a less intense mood, and revisit it once I had calmed down and started breathing again.
I still don’t really like it.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m honored to be on the list. The comments that I got from a few of the people who nominated me brought me to tears. This is my year of possibility and I think this just plays into what I am doing with my life and for my life and all that jazz right now. I have been blogging since 2001. I blogged my entire adoption decision in 2003 — in a password protected blog. I began blogging publicly about adoption in 2006. I’ve earned a nod.
But so have so many other birth/first parents.
And so have so many other adoptees.
And that’s why I’m upset.
20 blogs doesn’t break down into an even split between three sides of the triad. I get that. Fine. Give birth parents six, adoptees six and adoptive parents eight. It is a magazine whose audience is adoptive parents. I get it, I do. But, if anywhere in the blogosphere, the adoption niche is one that should push you out of your comfort zone. It should teach you things about people that you are connected to but don’t really understand. It should make you question things — whether it’s the industry or yourself or society. It should make you laugh, smile, cry, see red and everything in between.
If you’re only reading blogs by your side of the triad, you’re doing it wrong. End of story.
I have learned so much from other birth parents (especially those that came before me in the closed era), adoptive parents and adoptees. I say that a lot, I know, but I fear I have to keep saying it because it’s obvious that people aren’t listening. Ahem, Adoptive Families.
I yelled at Redbook last year. And I’ll yell at Adoptive Families now: Adoptive parents are not the only people in the triad. Nor are they the only people in the triad who matter or have worth or value or can teach us something, so on and so forth. I recognize that this problem likely stemmed from the submission process — adoptive parents submitting adoptive parents at a magazine written for adoptive parents — but Adoptive Families could have headed the problem by the following form:
- Submit one Adoptive Parent blog
- Submit one Adoptee blog
- Submit one Birth Parent blog
And the issue? Solves itself. Submissions are therefore inclusive of three sides of the triad. Voila! It’s really not that difficult to get people to submit their favorites, but sometimes you have to remind people that there are others out there.
Lastly, I am so outrageously disappointed in the way that Adoptive Families chose to explain the only adoptee blog on the list.
“Far from spouting angst, she reads and researches extensively, and her articulate posts are peppered with footnotes, statistics, and relevant quotes.”
Because only adoptees who are grateful and quiet and humble and angst-less should be read by adoptive parents? Or society as a whole? I call shenanigans on this backhanded compliment. Though I believe that Amanda’s blog is a great voice to the adoptee niche and deserved the nod, I don’t believe that just because an adoptee “spouts angst” that they are somehow “less than” or undeserving of being read or understood. Spouting angst. Good grief. Really? What editor approved that sentence?
I feel like this was a mainstream media way of reaching out to potential readers. And I feel that it failed. I previously had no ill feelings about or against Adoptive Families, but now? When you insult a whole group of bloggers — some of whom I call good friends — you aren’t on my Good List. Maybe they don’t really understand the blogosphere, or social media… or adoption. I don’t know. I do know this: I think that adoptee bloggers deserve an apology for the word choice. I think birth parent and adoptee bloggers need an apology for being slighted and generally ignored. And I think adoptive parents need an apology for having been done a disservice by neglecting to provide them with a real list that could benefit them as they continue on their journeys.
All that said, thank you for the nominations. But I don’t deserve to be the only birth parent blog on the list. There are other birth parents who do more work for the cause of ethical adoption reform and who are more consistent with their sharing and challenging of others. Plain and simple. It’s the truth. Yes, I’v been around for a long, long time. Yes, I do my part. Yes, I think I’m kinda awesome in my own way. But I simply don’t deserve to be the only birth parent on that list. It feels wrong to be the only birth parent on the list knowing that so many others do so much work. It hurts me for them.
Hopefully Adoptive Families has been listening to the feedback and will adjust how they conduct this “best of” list in the future. Because we’ll be watching. We may all be vastly different in this adoption niche, but we have each others’ backs.
(As a note: I am not dissing any of the adoptive parents on the list. Some of them are good friends as well.)
very well said, as usual, jenna. and right on.
have you submitted this to AF yet?
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Twitter: firemom
says:
No. Not yet. I think it will be similar to the Redbook issue. I’m going to sit on it for awhile. Fine-tune what I’m saying. And move forward sometime in the next week.
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And there’s nobody gay, only (as far as I know) white bloggers, only one family who’s adopted from foster care despite its numerical prevalence among total adoptions in the US, and to top it off two people (as many as the non-adoptive parents otherwise) who ended up using assisted reproduction and not adopting at all? I’m not trying to make it sound like I belong on the list just because my demographics aren’t represented because that’s so totally not the point, but it’s just sad to see this kind of blindness to the diversity of voices that are truly out there.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I was going to delve into some of this, but I sometime shy away from dogging too hard on adoptive parents. Do you understand what I mean? So, I thank you for mentioning it here in the comments. I stand in agreement with everything you said.
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Oh, absolutely! I have the privilege to say things as an adopting parent about other adoptive parents and I can’t be disregarded or marginalized the same way someone who’s not part of the same group could be. Which, again, is why there need to be more voices represented….
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And I’m not implying it’s the FAULT of any of the bloggers profiled that they’re white/straight/adopting/whatever! I don’t have any problem drawing positive attention to all the people on the list I know and read; I do have a problem with the idea that these choices exist in a vacuum and that they fairly represent the wide spectrum of adoption blogging.
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Thorn, really good point, esp. about the prevalence of foster care adoptions relative to their inclusion.
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Twitter: kristenhowerton
says:
I was also a little dismayed to be the only foster-adoption blogger on the list. But then again, it is hard for people to blog through that journey. They can’t really speak about the details until the adoption is finalized. So that may be why they are under-represented. But still, I would like to see more blogs that are focused on that avenue.
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jenna Hatfield and Creating Motherhood, Dawn Grenier. Dawn Grenier said: Totally on-board with @FireMom 's assessment of #Adoptive Families Magazine blogger recognition: http://bit.ly/hEaeTW @AdoptionCircle [...]
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“If you’re only reading blogs by your side of the triad, you’re doing it wrong. End of story”
YES! Well said, and thank you!
I was surprised to be the only adoptee and surprised by the description of my blog. As if there is some standard out there that you must meet in order to be listened to and for some reason, I met it. I thought the “angst” description was stereotypical and unfair to my fellow adoptee-blogger friends.
I do have a few AP followers, and am very glad they are following and reading adoptee blogs. But most of my followers are First Mothers and fellow adoptees. Whether they put more adoptees and First Mothers on their list or not, I wonder if it even would be something their readership would be interested in reading at all any way?
:-(
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I think Thorn’s comment might speak to some of the reason why the list is unrepresentative of “people out there” – because it’s representative of a circle of blogs that links to each other, and more loosely it’s representative of blogs in general.
We started out planning to adopt from foster care. There are SO few blogs on this (and even fewer of them are non-US), I have a few in my blogroll and every time I find one I add it but they are really really limited in number.
I have come across a few that I find difficult to read or that just update so rarely, so sometimes I do remove them, but in general most blogs seem to be from US domestic adopters – just like most IF blogs are US women going through IVF with a partner who have success on their 2nd or 3rd try.
I do have one gay dads’ adoption blog (foster care, so ticks two boxes!) in my list, I have 3 or 4 blogs from parents who have placed a child, and one of those is also an adoptee, and again if I spot a blog in these less well represented categories I add it, but I think either there are just fewer bloggers out there in those categories, or I don’t come across them. I will be adding Thorn to my list!
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Thank you for writing this. I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve been mulling over my own response, how to address both the things you’ve brought up and what Thorn raised.
I was so honored to be included. And so disappointed when I saw the whole list. Yet I also really respect a lot of the others on it and do not want to take away from them as individuals by talking about the overall makeup of the list as a whole–ugh.
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I don’t think it takes away from anyone to point out the imbalances on the list.
Off the top of my head, without even looking at my blogroll, I could come up with at least 30 really good adoptee and first mom bloggers, without a second thought. Asking why they couldn’t have been included doesn’t take away from the ones who were.
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I agree, but can see why the wording in my original comment was confusing. I was trying to say I wanted to avoid making people feel like I was trying to take away from them as individuals, not that I thought I actually would be critiquing them by critiquing the list.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I hesitated in writing a posting for that very reason. It’s not the fault of any of the bloggers included in this list. It’s just not. It’s the fault of AF for doing it wrong.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
I love it when you call Shenanigans! As an adoptive parent I whole heartedly agree that the list is off balance. I admit I’m not perfect – I don’t read any adult adoptee blogs or first parent blogs with any regularity except yours. But I acknowledge their existence and the purpose they serve is vital to the adoption world. To not recognize that is a shame.
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As a pre-adoptive parent, I am trying to add the whole triad to my reading, but honestly, it is very hard. First, I like to feel like I “know” the people on my blog role since I’m pretty new to the blog world, so most of the blogs I read are people I have had “conversations with” on the forums I belong to or have e-mailed–all adoptive or pre-adoptive families. Secondly, while I know that even the most “angst spouting” blogs have something of value to communicate, some days it is really just too difficult to weed through the anger to the point. Without reading a lot of a blog and spending a lot of time, I cannot get a feel for if their posts will make me think, open my eyes, and challenge me (which I want) or send me into a tailspin of despair and hurt for the day (something I cannot afford time on). In general I let Tonggu Mama weed it out for me, but I am open to expanding my own reading.
All that to say, I agree that the list because it lacks the adoptee point of view and birth mother point of view does not provide adoptive parents the whole spectrum of types of blogs to choose from and I would be interested in seeing your list of 30 excellent blogs that might have made the cut if more adoptive parents were reading them.
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I guess I meant I would be interested in Amanda’s list of 30.
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It is hard to find your own circle online, isn’t it? And to balance letting yourself be challenged in your reading with protecting yourself from being sent into an emotional tailspin. I know I’ve been there. Still am there some days, on all sorts of topics, not just adoption.
A lot of the blogs in my reader I discovered through checking out blogrolls on the blogs I was already reading. You might check out some of the adoptee and first parent blogs ones listed on Amanda’s blog, at AdoptionTalk, or at mine. (I saw you have some great ones in your own blogroll already, too!)
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Twitter: firemom
says:
It’s hard to branch out when you’re first starting your journey — whether as a birth mother, an adoptee or an adoptive parent. To find your own safe zone and a few bloggers with whom you click takes awhile. There’s no shame in that and don’t berate yourself for your honesty that sometimes… it’s TOUGH. It’s still tough for me at times! It breaks me when people are hurting. It just does!
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Thanks for posting this Jenna. It’s sad when media continues to reinforce only what they want to. It is a huge disservice to intelligent people who are capable of taking in diverse experiences and points of view, to only show the “positive” side of adoption. People need to know all parts, not just the one that pats them on the back. A wholistic well rounded perspective.
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http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/forums/viewcategory/74/
And, they do have a place for birth parents and expectant parents in a forum, though it looks pretty empty.
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Twitter: rite_here
says:
I left a comment. I said it is rather ironic that there was only one birthmom blog and one adoptee blog, but without both of these triad members there would be no adoptive parents.
I don’t understand why they can’t have a proportionate amount of blogs from each triad member.
-Lisa
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PS while I’m slowly expanding the list of first/birth parent blogs, I have really not seen that many adoptee blogs – this may be because an adoptee can be at any stage of life clearly, while active parent/prospective parent blogs are very likely to be of those with very young children.
So I see blogs of those with little kids (or at least kids that are new to their family), while adoptees don’t move in those “mommy blog” circles.
I’d love to look at Amanda’s list but her link is broken!
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Mmm, see, this is the problem. I know plenty of mommy bloggers who also happen to be adoptees. They don’t discuss adoption (much) because of the above attitude presented by AF. They pop in here with a comment from time to time or share a post of mine on their twitter stream, but otherwise refuse to discuss adoption for fear of being labeled. Similarly, one of my very good online friends is a birth mother — and refuses to out herself for fear of judgment. She’s seen what I’ve gone through.
Until it’s not a “bad” thing to share your story — angst or not — more people will stay silent.
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Twitter: kristenhowerton
says:
I think this is an interesting dynamic on the web. I read a ton of adult adoptee blogs – but sometimes it seems like blogs have to have a certain viewpoint (or blog exclusively about adoption issues) in order to be considered a member of that group. Like you, I also know lots of mommy bloggers who were adopted, but it’s not a focus of their blog, so they aren’t considered an “adult adoptee” blogger.
I will say that I think this is a reason your blog has such success – like you mentioned, you are the trojan horse. :)
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One first parent and one adoptee blog out of 20 is terrible. Especially when (like Thorn said) spots went to blogs not about adoption. No offence to Melissa. I love her blog and she does great things for the IF community. It just seems that if she is included then most certainly more true members of the triad should be included, too. I find it sad how clueless adoptive parents prefer to remain… and I’m adoptive parent!
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I accidentally added a third “e” in my URL last time I posted which is why my link probably wasn’t working. Sorry about that :-)
I just realized that while I could think of the blogs in my head, I don’t have all the URLs memorized to be able to list them all so people could find them lol. I have well over 60 adoptees on my various blog rolls (see the right-hand side of my blog) and blogs by First Moms, APs, Donor Conceived individuals, Foster Alumni, and other adoption and misc blogs, in addition. Each Saturday, I link to what I’ve been reading that week in a post.
To add to the conversation of more diversity in the list, besides having more adoptees on the AF blog list, I was sad they also missed out on including ICA adoptees in the top 20. Mei Ling (she has two blogs, one is “Faded Footsteps”) and Melissa (“Yoon’s Blur”) have excellent blogs to name just two. John Raible (Adult Adoptee and Adoptive Father) and Liberty, Adult Adoptee (“May I Have a Word?”) are just two of the many excellent blogs from the TRA perspective.
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I saw the linked list over at Malinda’s. Man, did it ever piss me off.
ONE adoptee voice. ONE.
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Thanks Amanda, I’m going to check out your blogroll now I have the right link.
I commented to Jenna separately that I know of a few adult adoptees who mention their adoption on their blogs but it is not the focus – so there are definitely people who are able to be open about it but I guess they have other things they prefer to talk about more. But of course there are likely others who are adoptees and who never mention it. So I would never know if they are.
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Thanks to those who posted favorites and blogrolls. I am looking forward to checking out some of the blogs mentioned in these comments that I haven’t seen yet.
I haven’t read many birthmom blogs–maybe about three with regularity and some others a handful of times –so I could be way out in left field, but I wonder if one of the reasons yours was favored and others left out is that your reason for placing (because of your illness) is really understandable to the AF kind of reader. Thinking about a couple of the other blogs I’ve read most of, I just don’t understand why those moms chose adoption, and that kind of casts everything they say in a kind of fog.
To be clear, I’m not saying they didn’t have fantastic reasons, or that their reasons are anybody’s business if they don’t want to write about them, or that anyone should be judged according to their reasons. I’m just saying that your blog makes it really clear and it’s a set of circumstances that people can understand and empathize with because it IS clear, whereas in some of the others the rationale is vague so the reader maybe doesn’t have the same amount of trust in the writer.
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I want to chime in here and say that I share some great discomfort with AFM overall, and yes, I have written for them in the past. I nominated myself for this list-and am not ashamed to say it. I thought I might be too “edgy” for them. So I was surprised I “made” the cut.
I am trying to work from within their structure. This allows us to push the envelope with the readers they send our way. I am a single parent, who doesn’t share her sexual orientation in my blog (take that how you will), I have one TRA Black son, the birth child of another single mother, and one known donor assisted biracial son.
I also write for The Adoption Constellation which is the most triad representing magazine out there that I know of. My hope is that everyone here buys THEIR magazine (Please Google Adoption Mosaic) and continues to help build the “list” of other blogs we should all know about. That’s what I called for on my blog. That is what you are doing here too.
AFM is reaching an audience (1/2 a million strong) that we can all reach out to. Having organized a conference in Maine last year for transracial adoptive families, with Astrid Dabbeni from Adoption Mosaic (located in Oregon) as our speaker, I understand the full range of “evolution” out there on many topics much better than I did prior to the event.
I think the list is a start, and an important one. Now that they have published a non representative list, they too can evolve. Parenting magazine this month features a cover story about same sex parents as the “new normal”. I thought that was an incredible step. (No, I have not read the article, yet) To taking it one article and blog at a time…
Catherine/Mama C
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Thank you for taking the time to write out this comment.
I applaud you for working within the structure. I encourage you to keep doing so as well. I do that in many other areas. For years I worked within the structure of Adoption.com which is basically funded by my unethical non-agency’s advertising. I know I didn’t foster any change in their beliefs — referencing either company — but I like to believe I made a difference in some peoples’ lives. Similarly, Dawn made me laugh the other day when she referred to my blogging as Trojan Horse Trickery. I bring people in with my un-challenging mommy blogging and photography. And then I get all ADOPTION UP IN THEIR FACE. heh
Dawn and I have an article coming in Adoption Mosaic. :)
Again, thank you. For your comment and for the work you do. And for being you.
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Just letting you know that I quoted a sample from this post and provided a link back to your piece. Thank you!
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Diane; Wow. What a big, important piece in general. Both yours and your daughter’s. Thank you not just for linking to me and Amanda, but for many other things. For reaching out. For encouraging others. For being a parent that I hope I can be to my sons. For reminding me of the good that exists here on the web.
I’m subscribing to your blog right now.
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Thank you so much Jenna. I am truly humbled by your words. (And I hope you figure out how I got mixed up with your spam situation!)
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My subscription to Adoptive Families Magazine is running out and I am really on the fence about whether or not to renew.
The articles seem canned, repititious, and one-sided. I don’t really feel like I get much from it. I learn so much more from reading blogs written by Adoptees and First Moms. The blogs are not always easy to read and may take time to digest– but the knowledge is very much needed!
Adoptive parents need more than I feel this magazine is providing– at least, this adoptve mom needs more.
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I’m wondering if anyone has suggested to the magazine what you have here in regards to nominating a blog from each side of the triad? Maybe if enough people do so, they will consider doing so?? Naive maybe, but what can they do, say no? :-)
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