I sat under the shady tree in the playground at camp. Partly involved in the book I was reading on my Kindle and partly watching the boys run around the big square with their friends from behind my sunglasses, I was simply enjoying my afternoon. I sank into the rare beauty of relaxation, breathing easy on a lazy summer day.
BigBrother was climbing on a toy talking to one of his girl friends. She adored him and had been adoring him all week. Oblivious to her batting eyelashes and general admiration, he treated her like he treats all of his friends: with incessant chatter. She mentioned something about her brother and something about LittleBrother.
There was an audible pause. I looked up from my reader, my eyes hidden behind my reflective glasses. I saw him; he was searching her face, trying to see if she was open to what he had to say. I heard his intake of breath.
I braced myself against the tree.
“I have a sister too.”
Another pause.
“She lives far away though. She’s older than me.”
My heart simultaneously swelled with both pride and anxiety. Look at him! Listen to him! But… but. What would this nearly five-year-old girl say in response to that? In their years of knowing one another, she had never seen nor met nor heard of this alleged sister. I started running through the list of questions she might ask: Well, why isn’t she here? Why does she live far away? Does that mean you don’t love her? I thought of pointed things she might say: No you don’t. She’s not real. Quit making up stories.
Instead, this little girl looked at my son and said, “That’s cool.” And then launched into a lengthy discussion about climbing trees.
I exhaled, loudly. I wasn’t even aware that I had been holding my breath.
His very first experience putting himself on the line about his sister went well. It went better than well. His words were accepted at face value. They were not questioned. They were not dismissed. He has a sister. She lives somewhere else. And that’s okay.
(Though it made me question why adults can’t be as accepting as children.)
I was so happy for him. It could have gone differently. It could have gone poorly. But instead, he now has the belief that people will accept his family for what it is… which won’t always be the truth, but it’s better to start out the game thinking the best of things than the worst of things. He doesn’t have reason to doubt himself, his sister or me. Yet. That will come. In time.
Before I went back to reading, I smiled at that beautiful little girl. She will forever stick out in my mind as the first child BigBrother told about his sister. She will forever stick out in my mind as the shining example of how we should react when we’re told about adoption or other non-traditional family situations. I then shot my son the sign language for “I love you,” which he returned before he tried to tell the little girl that she should be careful climbing the tree because she could break her leg and she’d have to go in an ambulance and did she know that his daddy works in an ambulance and a fire truck and on and on and on as he chattered her precious little ear off… sharing his life without fear.
I love this! You’re so right. Children are so tolerant and take things at face value. It’s only when we become yucky grownups :) that things get so complicated! Love that he is so proud to share Munchkin with others and is so open about it. You’re doing a great job mama.
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Oh you have such a sweet little boy!
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Twitter: thecindylorrain
says:
It was so cute to imagine your boy talking to this girl!
I’m also impressed that he thought to lecture her on safety instead of just doing what my nephew would do, and just try and climb higher than her.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Oh my. BB is such a bossy lecturer. And he’s not necessarily scared of heights, but I picture him as the fire chief: safely on the ground, bossing everyone around.
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“Though it made me question why adults can’t be as accepting as children” No kidding!!!
Way to go BB!!!!
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I love this post — and kids are so accepting. My daughter is adopted, and knows all about her adoption story, her birth mom, etc. She’s met her birth mom once and we trade email (her birthmom lives in AZ and we’re in NH), so talking about her birth family is very natural to her. And, I like that it’s natural, but every time she shares some adoption related information with someone outside our regular circle, I hold my breath a little. So far, she has not gotten a bad response, but I know one day she will and I’m dreading the conversation that will follow that. …. So glad your little guy got a good response from his new playmate.
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Awwwww….so beautiful! Love it!
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love.
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Twitter: KatjaMichelle
says:
Awww. I want to be BB when I grow up.
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That is beautiful! As I read your post I was thinking about BB & Kindergarten (and I’m so so sorry to bring up the subject, I know it’s hard for you! Sorry again!)… are you planning to talk to his teacher before he does or just let things happen naturally? I’m sure you’re thinking about this a whole lot, among other things.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I honestly have no idea. We just got our teacher assignment yesterday and it was a total out of the ballpark one as she’s returning to teach Kindergarten after being in a different school for awhile. As such, I didn’t get to meet her last year and don’t have any frame of reference for how she might accept (or not) adoption issues in the classroom. Swell.
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oh dear… when are you going to be able to meet her, get a feel for what’s like &, hopefully, get an opportunity to know her better?
one would hope that a K teacher would be sensitive to *all* issues her students are involved with/in (racial, immigration, adoption, etc.), but I know that may be a little idealistic to hope for. Sigh.
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Twitter: fromtracie
says:
Sharing his life without fear.
That is so powerful.
Us adults could learn from that, and from the little girl with the big heart and open mind.
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[...] I’ve been busy with so much else as of late, but it’s there, on the back-burner. I was asked whether I was going to tell her in a comment the other day and it has been a non-stop thought since [...]
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I say this a lot, but I think it’s so common these days for children to have siblings they don’t live with, that no-one blinks an eyelid. Sometimes the children are eager to explain more (e.g. a couple of little girls I know explain that “she’s my sister but I haven’t met her because she hasn’t got the same mum as me” which we didn’t really need to know and another explains at every chance “she’s 25 and I’m 9 and she’s my sister but she’s not much taller than me and everyone thinks she’s 12″ – I suspect no 2 was a happy surprise but a friend wondered if she was actually no 1′s daughter not sister).
But of course all the other kids assume this is normal – and to be frank you’d have to live under a rock to have never come across this kind of thing, and I would hope your KG teacher hasn’t?
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