Tonight is BigBrother’s open house. We’ll take in his school supplies, check out his classroom and meet his teacher. I’ll dress like a respectable member of society, attempt to wrangle LittleBrother with a badly injured back and pray that this will be a good experience for him.
And while the teacher is busy with the other kids and is, let’s be honest, sizing up families and getting a feel for what her year might be like, I’ll be sizing her up. Not about how she’ll teach my son to read (check) or whether she’ll be able to handle his chatter (rumor is that, yes, she will) or even whether I think she looks nice in whatever respctable outfit she chose.
I’ll be trying to figure out whether or not I should tell her about our family makeup, the Munchkin and what that means for how we function. I’ve been ignoring the issue since I’ve been busy with so much else as of late, but it’s there, on the back-burner. I was asked whether I was going to tell her in a comment the other day and it has been a non-stop thought since then.
I don’t know.
There’s no advice on the Internet for me, for birth parents in open adoption sending their kids into the public school system. For birth siblings who willingly talk about their relinquished sisters at will because they don’t know it’s something attached to judgment and shame. He’s proud. He should be proud of his sister… and of his mom, dad and her parents for working hard to keep the connection.
I’ve looked for advice on the web. And guess what I find? A lot of information for how adoptive parents should tell their kids’ teachers about their adoptions. That, my friends, does me no good. Adoptive Families has a whole resource page for adoptive parents. Their letter to the teacher is not about me and mine. Childwelfare.gov’s adoption and school resource page also has absolutely nothing to help me; the government doesn’t even recognize my plight. Page after page of “school and the adopted child” resources and information. When I add “birth mother” into the search, I get information about how I can get scholarships! Sigh.
I don’t know what I’m doing here, and that’s not really good for me. I am a planner. When I have a plan, my anxiety is in check. When I don’t have a plan, my anxiety sky-rockets. And here I am, somewhere in outer space, unsure of how to proceed.
The arguments for talking to the teacher about our family are many. I really, really don’t want him to have his first negative adoption experience in Kindergarten. I want him to love Kindergarten, to love his teacher. If he talks about his sister and is told that he doesn’t have one, he would be heartbroken. (He is, shall we say, sensitive. Like his Mommy.) I’d like for the teacher to understand what is going on if some other child isn’t as kind as the little girl at camp. I want him to believe that our family is okay — even if we’re different.
The arguments for not talking to the teacher are simple: It’s easier for me. On the surface, of course. I don’t have to have the awkward exchange. I don’t have to brace myself for potential judgment or live through it if it’s actually delivered. I don’t have to answer probing questions about my personal life. But I get to live with the anxiety for the entire school year that the shoe will drop when BigBrother talks about the Munchkin or adds her into a school family assignment or any variation thereof.
If the area in which we live wasn’t so fraught with misunderstandings of what a birth mother is, I might feel less anxious. (Probably not, but maybe.) But it is usually understood here that if your child is not with you, you did something to cause their removal.
And here I sit. Flopping back and forth between what I should do and what I don’t want to do and what might be right and what might be wrong and every horrific reaction in between. And, of course, putting on my brave face and ignoring it when BigBrother starts going on about how excited he is about Kindergarten. I’m doing everything to make his transition into school easy, everything a mom should do. Which, when you think about it, is also why I’m thinking about all of these issues. It’s my job to help him make sense of these issues. And I feel so helpless when I just don’t know what to do or say.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
I can’t really suggest what you can/should do, especially since you’re developmentally ahead of where we are, but you might try looking for resources geared to foster parents. Obviously the situations are different, but I talked to Mara’s teachers about how she’s talking about her first family all the time these days and I want them to know how we deal with it, make sure they’re not silencing or stigmatizing her. It’s hard, of course, when you’re the one who’s going to get the brunt of biased assumptions when in our case the biases would be about trying to convince Mara that we’re her “real” and “good” family and that the other part of her family isn’t.
I do think this is probably easier in the younger grades than farther along, though. His teacher (I hope!) is teaching kindergarten because of a love for kids and an interest in where they are developmentally at ages 5-7, which includes understanding who they are in the world and in the family. There are probably other kids who have siblings or stepsiblings who live elsewhere, and their parents may be having the similar worries to yours.
Okay, apparently I’m going to write a lot here after saying I wouldn’t try to tell you what to do. I do think it’s important to be out about things adult to adult because that then gives your child the ability to disclose or not as a choice but with the understanding that grownups have made room for that. In general, I think it’s better for things to be hard on the parent than hard on the kid. (And of course I hope that this is hard on you but then goes well and you can have that to rely on, one more of the little good things.)
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Twitter: firemom
says:
“I do think it’s important to be out about things adult to adult because that then gives your child the ability to disclose or not as a choice but with the understanding that grownups have made room for that. In general, I think it’s better for things to be hard on the parent than hard on the kid.”
Beautiful point. Really. Will keep in in mind as I decide when and how to handle this one!
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it’s a tough one! Could you maybe buy a book like “Sam’s Sister” http://www.tapestrybooks.com/product.asp?pID=214&cID=100 and give it to the class as a gift? It’s not exactly the same as your situation (it’s a younger child being placed and helping the older child to understand why they aren’t keeping the baby) but it could be a conversation starter.
You are a strong amazing Mom. You’ll find your way through this.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you for the idea!
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Twitter: JennyBHammond
says:
Thank you for your courage to share your side of the story. I’m a closed-adoption adult adoptee whose birth parents are still unknown to me. I’m grateful for people like you who are making a difference to lift the veil of the shame that has been shrouding adoption for too long. It helps me to lift my eyes and look out at the full triad, not just my little piece of it.
Thank you.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Thank you for your comment. I try my hardest to do right by all three of my children. Sometimes I fail, but I hope that in doing right by them, I’m doing right by others as well.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
From my experience, Open House/Meet the Teacher nights are pretty chaotic. You won’t have much opportunity to really sit and talk with BB’s teacher tonight. I would recommend asking her if you can schedule a meeting with her next week, either a phone conference or in person. That would give a few days to plan (thinking positive). I think the teacher won’t care but would like a “heads up” in case some other child says something. Then she can handle it in class appropriately if needed. I guess I believe in being prepared versus being caught off guard.
Regardless, you will be okay. I know you are a great mother and your family is normal (at least more normal than my family) and okay. BB knows this too. {{hugs}}
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I wasn’t planning on broaching it today. I’m just all caught up in everything today because, THIS IS IT! School is here. Sigh. I’m a planner and not having a plan makes me crazy. CRAZY.
Amusingly, on the noon news this afternoon, they told me to schedule a meeting to talk to the teacher instead of trying to have a convo before school in the morning. It’s like they read my blog. (Actually, one of the anchors does.)
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I’m speaking as both a teacher and parent of children with siblings who don’t live with us. Meet the Teacher night is like a drive-thru for the class. There are usually so many people/situations/things we HAVE to say to the parents that I think it would be better to meet and greet and then schedule a conference for another day. This way, the night is all about him. You will not have the teacher’s full attention tonight, and for a topic so important you will need that.
I’m not trying to diminish your need to share with her. Just how I see it on the other side.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Oh gosh, I wasn’t thinking about tonight. Tonight is just the feel-for-each-other type drive by. I at least know that much!
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I know that you will find a way though all this emotional chaos–and I hope that BB find such joy in kindergarten to share with all of you.
Or situation is different, but perhaps one part of it that might be of use to you is that I’ve found that keeping the emphasis on how I hope the teacher will respond to CG has taken things in a good direction. CG talks and writes about one of her siblings (we know about the sibling but have no contact) and also her first parents (sometimes calling them birthparents, and sometimes just referring to them as my mom and my dad). I always want to let the teacher know that this is all a-ok with us (I don’t want the teacher correcting CG’s language and I want her to support CG if other kids say , ‘but you don’t have a sibling’). So maybe thinking of this as a conversation about BB and not about you will help. Or not! As I know it really is also a conversation about you. You are a fierce advocate for all your children and I know you will find your way.
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Gosh you are so thoughtful and proactive. I love that you want to make sure kindergarten is an awesome experience ( from what I remember, I loved kindergarten :) ) and of course associate that with the rest of the school years. I do not think it is weird or out of line for you to want to enlighten his teacher about Munchkin. You don’t owe an explanation or tons of details but no doubt there will be a time where they may talk about siblings or family relationships and BB brings her up. At least then the teacher will have the background info (and not ask confused questions). Having a sibling that is adopted is the “norm” for BB, it is all he knows, and it is a dynamic of your family. He’s proud of and loves her, and that is all that matters. Think about it, if a child had a sibling that was handicapped or special needs, or the family recently had a death in the family, or if the family just moved to the area, those are types of practical background info that would be helpful for a teacher to know about their students so they can help facilitate their learning and emotional well-being while in their care. It could also be a great chance for this teacher to see the “real” face of adoption which is not that negative birthmother stereotype. I don’t mean to suggest that you should be the “poster mom” for birthmoms though, do what is right for you and BB and your family first. But it could be a really positive outcome all around.
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We are in somewhat of a similar situation, but on the opposite side. We are in the process of moving and have learned that my daughter (that we adopted) will be going to school in another year with members of her birth family. While I happily talk to everyone about her open adoption, I wonder how these extended birth family members will feel about teachers, other students, etc. knowing that their children are biologically linked to mine and the adoption experience. There is so much stigma around adoption still that I worry about whether sharing this information will be worrisome for them or if they will be happy to share in this as well. We are in a very open adoption, so I’m sure we’ll discuss this at some point before they start school. Best of luck with your decision. In my opinion, sharing all this information is how we break down the stigmas. :)
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Hi there,
I’m the mom of three internationally adopted kids, so we don’t have the same issues exactly, but I just want to encourage you to schedule a private meeting with the teacher early in the year. Maybe you talk generally about adoption, maybe you get into the particulars of open adoption, or maybe you decide not to get too detailed, but at least you will have “tested the waters” should problems arise down the road. It’s good to have a sense of the teacher’s personality and to build some rapport prior to a “crisis.” I always schedule these talks at the beginning of the year even though I dread them. In my experience, most teachers are willing to listen and appreciate the parent’s interest, and most don’t have a real clue about adoption of any sort. How much you share out of the gate may depend on your child’s personality. I have one easy going child who never has any issues during the school year (other than talking too much.) Something always comes up in the course of the year for my other two that makes me glad I made myself schedule that initial teacher meeting.
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I know you aren’t looking for advice from aparents here but – there’s always a BUT, isn’t there?! – My 2 children are siblings, and their first mom is parenting their brother. We have a very open adoption and they are very much a part of our day to day life, even though we live a few hours apart. The kids are in regular contact, even more so now as they get older and can communicate themselves. When my daughter was in Pre-K, her teacher had come to the house before school started to meet her and the family. She only saw, knew of and met ONE big brother. About 2 months into school I got a phone call to pick up my daughter because she was hysterical and would not calm down. Come to find out that it was because her teacher more or less told her that her other brother must be imaginary, and telling the class she had 2 brothers was a lie. My poor girl was devastated.
Since then, I do discuss it with the teachers ( one on one), but when doing so, I do it somewhat casually. It’s just “hey, this is our family, just wanted to give you a heads up.” I don’t go into lengthy details about anything, I just state it matter of fact. I don’t leave any room for judgement or questions. It’s just who we are, like it or not. Just like so and so’s parents are divorced, or so and so has a single mom, or same sex parents. It’s our reality.
All that to say that, I do think it is important to mention it to the teacher, for the “just in case” your boy mentions her and isn’t met with a reaction HE may not be prepared for.
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That would be a hard decision to make, but it would probably be good for the teacher to know. Let us know what you decide.
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Twitter: fouragainsttwo
says:
I’m late to the conversation as usuall so you may have already adressed this. However you do it, just approach it simply and with confidence. “I would like you to be aware that BB has an older sister who doesn’t live with us, but he sees and has a relationship with.I’m her birth mom and she lives with her adoptive family.” Keep it simple and don’t give her space for judgement. Love you.
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I really like Mandy’s approach. And since no one has any business judging, giving little space for that is a great idea. Though, as an optimist, I would like to believe that someone voluntarily working with little children with their interests in mind, having faced the reality of different families in their class room everyday, would be amenable to having their minds opened up even further.
You know, living over here in India, adoptive parents have little resources and a lot of the stuff we found was in a context so different that it made little sense. Our schooling systems are not known for even thinking they need to be sensitive, with some schools changing a bit over the years. What we were able to take were the basic principles and that seems like the best thing to do here too. That if Big Brother is going to open up, he is adequately supported in school. For that, telling the teacher seems to be the way to go.
Am sure you will do right by your kids – you’ve figured out very tough parts of dealing, overcoming and thriving already. And I trust in that ability of yours! Great vibes coming your way from here.
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