I cannot leave my cell phone unattended during the day when my oldest son is at school. I panic that if I go to the bathroom or dare to attend a workout class without the thing glued to me that the school will call, that my son will have been in some sort of accident or is horribly sick and needs me — and I’m unavailable while I’m sweating to the oldies.
In fact, one day after a meeting, I forgot to turn my ringer back on and, wouldn’t you know it, BigBrother had been pushed on the playground, had a scrape and bump on his head and I missed the damn phone call. They eventually called my husband who tracked me down, and I rushed to the school full of guilt and worry. He was fine and went back to class.
But the worry is always there: Will something happen when I’m unable to be right there? Will I make it there in time? Will I be caught unaware? Will it be a day I’m having a temper tantrum about work or motherhood or snow or the house in which we live or my waistline, causing me to leave the house and take a long walk to clear my head without my phone? Will I ever be enough?
– __ — __ —
Yesterday, in the midst of a stressful work day and working out what we were going to offer on a house, I received a text message. So very few people text me because I so rarely respond. iMessaging on the new iOS 4 has caused me to text a little bit more, but still really only with the people whom I would have texted in the first place. But now it’s free. I digress. The text message was from Dee.
She wished us the best of luck with our house offer… and then told me that Munchkin was in the Emergency Room.
There’s really nothing worse than hearing your child is in the Emergency Room. Whether you’re actively parenting that child or not, it’s a horrible, gut-wrenching, almost paralyzing kind of pain that slices from your head and turns the knife right into the deepest part of your gut. It physically hurts.
I won’t go into details about what is wrong, other than she’s seeing a pediatric cardiologist tomorrow.
But I will tell you that feeling helpless… sucks.
The truth is that Dee also feels helpless. When you don’t know what is wrong with your child, there’s this aspect of helplessness and anger and even a bit of motherly guilt and failure mixed in for good measure. Add in the element of being so far away, of not being able to be there if something went wrong, of not … being enough, and it’s just difficult to handle, to understand, to process.
And, even more so, it’s amazingly difficult to swallow the fact that something is wrong with your daughter and you don’t know what and you can’t do anything — at all — to help and go about your every day life as if nothing is wrong at all.
I am thankful for coworkers who understand when I send a message that I may disappear. I am thankful for friends who respond on twitter fast as lightning. But it’s a weird realization that if she was here, if this was happening in real time in my home, I wouldn’t have put in an offer on a house yesterday. I wouldn’t have worked at all, without warning. I wouldn’t have gone on a play date this morning and pretended like everything was hunky dory in my world. I wouldn’t have been expected to make dinner and smile and do laundry and live the everyday of life. I would be with her. And I’m not.
I feel as if I’m floating outside of myself right now, watching as all of this is happening. Maybe I’ve purposefully disconnected from myself, afraid to feel or move or breathe or blink, because I don’t even know how to process some of this.
I can’t do anything.
Nothing.
I don’t deal well with that. … obviously.
I am thankful, beyond measure, that Dee communicates with me. That she can text me and ask me medical history questions. That she can keep me updated and we can lament together in the helplessness, in the worry, in the anxiety, in the hope. I am thankful for knowing so much, so instantaneously.
But it strikes deep into that helpless feeling I felt eight-and-a-half years ago.
– __ — __ —
I went to pick up BigBrother from school today in the cold beginnings of snowfall. A mom with a worried look on her face escorted out her son who was crying, holding an ice pack to a bump on his head. My heart softened and I said a prayer for his poor little noggin. And then I felt jealous that she was able to be there, to take him to the car, to care for his bump.
I smiled at her and she gave me that look that moms give when they are overwhelmed. I nodded. At that moment, BigBrother slammed into my legs, engulfing me in his after school hug. I wrapped my arms around his head and closed my eyes for just a second.
Safe for another day.
Twitter: KatjaMichelle
says:
Unfortunately I know that helpless feeling all too well. Last spring/summer was rough. I’m keeping you, Munchkin, and the rest of your family in my thoughts.
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Oh! I can’t imagine. I hope you get news soon that Munchkin is okay.
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Twitter: tehamy
says:
I can’t even imagine what you are feeling. You, Munchkin, and Dee will be in my prayers. I hope her follow up appointment goes well.
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I hope everything turns out ok, and I send many hugs your way.
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Jenna, I’m thinking of you Dee and Munchkin and praying the specialist has some answers.
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Thinking of you all. Sending my tightest cyber hug and sending my hopes everything goes well.
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I honestly cannot imagine what you are going through now…you are all in my thoughts tonight.
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thinking of your sweet girl and dee and all the worry and love between you. deep breaths and prayers.
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I will pray and pray and pray. Sending cyber hugs. I’m glad you and Dee have each other. She probably wishes you were there too. I hope we will all be updated soon! HUGS, HUGS, HUGS AND MORE HUGS to all of you.
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Twitter: Upstatemamma
says:
Lifting your whole family up in prayer!!
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Thinking of all of you and hoping for good news soon.
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Jenna -
I’m so sorry your family is experiencing this stress! I will keep your little gal and all her parents in my prayers!
Sara
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Thinking of you and the Munchkin, Jenna.
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I will be thinking of you and Munchkin. Holding you both with care.
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Twitter: bflomama
says:
Keeping you all in my thoughts, Jenna. I know all too well the helpless feeling when your child is hospitalized and you *are* able to be there; I can’t imagine how much more helpless it must feel if you’re not. Holding you close to my heart & hoping you get good news soon. xo
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Oh, Jenna. I’m thinking of all of you. I hope everything turns out OK.
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I’m sorry that you are going thru this right now. I wish we could make all the hurt go away with a snap of the fingers. My thoughts are with you and all your family.
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Twitter: danielleb_c
says:
Oh Jenna…My heart broke when I read this post last night. I know, all too well this feeling. I have been thinking of you all today, and I am hoping for the very best. Here’s hoping you get some good news soon. Sending my love!
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sending you all so much love and wishing for the best.
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Twitter: thecindylorrain
says:
I will always remember the time that I learned my placed son had been quite ill, about three months after the fact.
Since then I have learned a few more kinds of things like that, always far after the time they happened.
It shocked me every time, but in a way, it was better, for me, because I didn’t have the torture of knowing something is wrong as it happens, and not being able to do anything. I already knew, at the time of being told that my placed son had been sick or hurt, that he was OK, obviously, so even though I felt a little helpless, it was OK with me.
It would be worse, having to force myself to ‘act normal’ when all I’d want to do is go into crisis mode and put off everything else in the world.
My heart aches for you, and I truly hope that Munchkin is going to be OK.
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Thinking of you Jenna, and hoping everyone is ok.
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Thinking of you and the Munchkin. Was hoping to see an update!
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