Oh, people. They sure do ask interesting questions when it comes to adoption. That’s the theme behind the latest Open Adoption Roundtable prompt:
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
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People rarely ask me how Dee and the Squatch feel about adoption. Maybe it’s assumed that all adoptive parents feel freaking fantastic about it and therefore there’s nothing to ask. I don’t know why I’m not asked how they feel. That, in itself, is an interesting question. People do ask me why Dee adopted the Munchkin, as in what is wrong with her insides. I usually default to, “She wanted to be a parent.” Isn’t that why we all turn to whatever path we take to achieve that goal?
I do need to share a story though, where another birth mother recently passed judgment on Dee and the Squatch and I managed not to punch her in the face. I was pretty proud of myself.
For those who aren’t in my very small circle of adoption news trust, my daughter’s mom and her husband are in the process of adopting. That’s all I’ll tell you about that as you don’t need to know the details. It’s not your business. However, I was recently trying to share a story about something entirely unrelated and their process to adopt got inserted into the conversation. Someone who doesn’t know me, who doesn’t know my story, who doesn’t know how Dee and I both feel about ethics in adoption, who doesn’t know a lick about the hard work that Dee and I have done to create an amazing relationship, acted like it was horrifying that Dee was adopting a(nother) child. I couldn’t tell if she was calling her greedy for wanting a third child (hello! I’d like a third child!) or if I cut her off before she finished her statement about the children being from, in essence, three different families. But I did cut her off. And here’s why:
People have made horrifying comments about me, my decision to relinquish the Munchkin and what that must mean about my character. They have then crossed over the line and made comments about how it’s “odd” that “they” let me have other children, whoever “they” is anyway. Let’s get something straight: Commenting on another woman’s reproductive and associated family-building decisions is completely out of line. I don’t care what your excuses are, what your reasoning is: you are in the wrong. That time that you made the comment about the girl who had four babies by a very young age? Wrong. That time you commented on a mother of an advanced age having a baby and/or adopting? Wrong. That time you told someone that they had too many kids? Wrong. That time you poked fun at your friend with only one child? Wrong. That time you told a friend that she was abnormal for not wanting children? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s simply not your business.
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As far as how Dee handles the question “why did Munchkin’s birth mom give her up,” I hope she handles it in whatever way feels comfortable with her at any given time. If she feels comfortable enough to launch into information about my kidney disorder and the subsequent path I chose, so be it. If she just wants to give a pat answer of, “It was what she felt was best at the time,” that’s fine too. If she wants to say, “I don’t know, why don’t you call her!” Well, I’d love to talk to someone who was being too nosy and making Dee uncomfortable. If she wants to give some sarcastic, off-the-cuff answer, I’d give her a high five later. If she wants to say, “I don’t know,” I wouldn’t be mad that she “lied.” I’ve given answers in the past to get out of an uncomfortable situation and I wouldn’t fault her for doing whatever she needed to in order to “get out” of a conversation.
Point: I trust Dee with sharing that part of our shared story, because I know that she loves the Munchkin and wouldn’t do wrong by her with her words. She also loves me and respects me as her daughter’s birth mother, as a friend, as a woman, as a mother and as a human being. If she wants to explain, she’s free to do so. If she isn’t up to it on any given day, the one asking the question needs to back off and give her room.
She could, of course, cut them off and tell them, “Asking this question is inappropriate. It’s wrong.” Because it is. Maybe she could send them to Burgh Baby’s post. Or here. I don’t care. You don’t need to know my reasons unless you know me and you want to understand my journey better. (Or, uh, she could point them to my blog, sharing the knowledge with them that I don’t and won’t share everything.) I feel that asking an adoptive parent why the birth parent “gave up” the child in question is even more inappropriate than asking me why they adopted — mainly because I hear that the adopted child will be in ear shot when the question is asked. (I’ve seen it happen, people. What is wrong with you?)
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I do want to know, however, what’s the worst/most inappropriate comment/question you’ve received about the opposite party in your adoption relationship? I have this feeling that adoptive parents may have the worst stories. Sadly, I don’t want to be proven wrong.
Twitter: bumberjoy
says:
I loved loved loved this blog post! At the beginning of our adoption experience, we wanted to share with everyone how wonderful it was and how wonderful our son’s birth/first mom was that we definitely over shared. I wish I could take it all back and start all over again, especially now that I realize that not everyone has good intentions when asking nosy questions. It’s actually quite the opposite, most people asking the nosy questions do not have good intentions.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
You make a good point. Sadly.
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Twitter: Mommie_Jen
says:
May I respectfully ask a question of you? (Yeah, I just did. I know.) I agree with you so much on the whole “it’s wrong to pass your opinion on why have kids/why not/ too many/too young/too old”. However, in your opinion, is it wrong to bring up known ethical issues pertaining to the certain adoption path a person is on? (For example, I recently had a friend all gung-ho to adopt from a certain country, infant, as young as possible, healthy, etc. After a discussion on ethical issues surrounding that country’s program, and why/how requests such as that leads to a supply/demand/buyer’s market…they aren’t going that way now. Was I wrong?)
Worst comment I’ve heard? “Will the baby be black?” or how about “was his mom on drugs/was he a crack baby/insert any form of that question here”. Many people will ask if she (my 2 yr old’s birthmom) has other kids. So much judgement behind that question!
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Discussing ethics is never a bad thing. If the person had looked at me and said, “Is she going through that same unethical facilitator you guys used the first time around or did she find a better place?,” I could have replied with what she went through to find the agency they are utilizing this time around. I could have assured the one asking the questions that my daughter’s mom is one of the most honest, real and ethical people I know who would move mountains to make sure that she was crossing her i’s, dotting her t’s, and respecting all of the parties involved in an adoption. But that wasn’t what happened.
Discussing the ethics of a particular path in adoption is okay and necessary — as long as you are keeping it fact based with people you don’t know 100% well. You can add emotion in with your close friends, of course; they should expect it. Adding emotion in with ethical discussions with people you don’t know very well runs the risk of crossing that line. Simply stating, “ANLC made some grievous ethical errors in our case, I wouldn’t use them again,” is sharing a fact-based, ethical bit of info. Saying instead, “ANLC is a bunch of turd burglars and anyone who uses them after I have shared this information is nothing but a greedy, unethical piece of poop,” is overstepping a line. Obviously. (However true.) (I kid.) Now if your best friend wants to know how something makes you feel, tell her. But don’t make judgments on people while trying to get across the fact that ethical adoption is important. It only makes it harder for people to hear your message if it comes across as confrontational.
(I hope this comment wasn’t confrontational. I was thinking/typing on the fly.)
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Twitter: Mommie_Jen
says:
Thanks, Jenna. That’s basically what I thought. :)
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Twitter: bflomama
says:
I’m still working on my response to this prompt, but I need to tell you that I love this post. But that’s probably not a surprise; I love a lot of your posts…
To answer your specific question… Well, you know my children are biological siblings & are 14 months apart in age. I’m sure you can imagine the sorts of questions and comments we get – fewer as time goes by, I find – it was far worse when A was first born & has slowed to something of a trickle now. It seemed to me as though D was seen as a sympathetic character for placing J – “Oh, the poor thing, how hard it must have been for her, etc. etc.” – but then when A came along it became “What kind of idiot has that happen *twice*, so close together?” Or something along those lines. The worst part about it is that there was just no way for me to avoid the inevitable judgment of D – you’ve *seen* pictures of my kids. When I announced A’s birth on Facebook I did not mention the biological connection because I was afraid people I respected might make comments that would make me not respect them anymore & I wanted to avoid that – a few people e-mailed me privately & said, “Am I crazy, or does he look just like J?”
I did have to reassess more than a few relationships because people close to me said things I simply couldn’t look past. Nothing really *horrible* or drastically over the line; mostly just subtly judgy, but enough to make me think I didn’t want that person to be in my trusted inner circle anymore. A few relationships didn’t survive that reassessment; those that did only did so in the most superficial of ways.
The question that pisses me off the most – and I still hear it once in a while – is “What are you going to do if [or worse - 'when'] she has another?” Which is none of anyone’s business on SO many levels, apart from the fact that if she did, it wouldn’t be any of *our* business unless she chose to make it so.
The comment that pisses me off the most actually comes most often from adoptive parents/grandparents/other relatives. It’s a variation on “Oh how wonderful that they’re *really* siblings” – which I don’t mind so much because even when it’s phrased in a way that makes me want to smack the person over the head for even considering that it’s a “blessing” that D had to go through all of that *twice*, I know that what they mean is that if both children had to be placed it is very nice that they were placed together & will grow up together as brother and sister.
The variation is “Oh – I always hoped that would happen to us/my children/my niece/my best friend/whoever.” It probably upsets me more than anything anyone has ever said about anything adoption related in my presence, because I’m just so completely stunned that someone who has a close connection to adoption – especially those who are involved in open adoptions! – would ever in a million years wish that their child’s/grandchild’s/whoever close to them’s first mother had to go through all of that all over again. And that is what “hoping that would happen” means they were wishing for… That always leaves an awful taste in my mouth. :/
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Twitter: bflomama
says:
Holy crap – I wrote a book! Sorry about that… xo
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I wonder if Dee was ever asked what she would do if I had another. I should ask her.
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Twitter: bflomama
says:
I never heard the question before Asher was born, and then it seemed like everyone either asked it or thought it was hilariously funny to comment on it. Mostly after one baby it seems like only (some) APs who assume their child’s first mother having another baby is any of their business. As in: “OMG, she’s pregnant again, should we offer to adopt this one? That would be so cool!” *gag*
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Twitter: Mommie_Jen
says:
Oh goodness, the “are they really siblings” question. I don’t get that often anymore, but I sure did in the beginning. I totally stumped one guy that I used to have a casual work relationship with (um, wait…not like that. We worked for the same large facility and sometimes our paths would cross.) He asked if they were really brothers. I said yes. He said “but he was born in Ethiopia and he was born in the US?” and I said yes. Enter his complete confusion. I always ALWAYS say yes to that question. And thanks for making my almost 5 yr old question if his brother is *really* his brother.
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Twitter: bflomama
says:
I haven’t figured out a way to make that clear to people who ask that, since my kids are biological siblings. I wish I could just confuse the hell out of them like that! Then again, I still get flummoxed when people say, “Oh, I didn’t realize they weren’t yours…” when they find out we adopted J&A. In my head I have all the “right” comments to make in return but in reality I’m just always stunned when someone says it, no matter how many times I’ve heard it before…
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I get that one a lot. I haven’t found a good reply that doesn’t involve me pointing out something unflattering about them/ their personality. I *occasionally* consider slapping the person. I’m okay with that though. I kinda like getting to rip into someone once in a while.
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Love your post – wish we could make it required reading for the general non-adoption-world public. I’ve had two worst comments – both bounced around my head for months, which tells me they really bugged the crap out of me. First one, our daughter was tiny and a woman I’d just met said “do you mind me asking, why didn’t her mother want her?” (whereupon I launched into a sleep-deprived, lunatics rant about “of course her mom wanted her, jayzuz”). The second still stings. Our daughter’s birthmom had a new babe soon after our daughter, and what was then a friend of mine (no longer), said “well it happens all the time, replacement baby, common phenomenon”. To be honest, I had no response – it was so unexpected, callous, flabbergasting that I did the goldfish, mouth opening and closing, and nothing came out.
We live in a rather conservative, backward part of the country, and I think the unkind comments I’ve heard pale in comparison to what our daughter’s birthmom has experienced. To the extent that she recently told me she no longer discloses the adoption to anyone – those who already know, know, but no-one else will be told.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Oh crap, I just snorted. Can we be friends? “Jayzuz” cracked me up.
That said, I have had similar things said about how BB and the Munchkin are so close in age. This always comes from people who don’t know about my kidney disorder and how the doctor said, “Have kids. Now. Or don’t.” And how I wasn’t told that prior to relinquishing. And all that jazz. And when I tell them that, they are kind of shocked, like there would be a reason for me to have a family other than not knowing how to close my legs. Who knew!
My heart hurts for your daughter’s birth mother. Though… I understand. I went through a phase where I simply didn’t tell anyone new. Then again, I also didn’t make friends during that time either. It was an exceptionally lonely time. I will be thinking of her.
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Hi thank you all for your honest comments, I started reading a few adoption blogs when a friend thought about adopting and then a few foster children joined my daughters dance class and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing!!! So thanks for keeping me from unintentionally offending!!!
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Good for YOU for taking the time to understand all the sides of the adoption triad, not just the adoptive parent(s). It takes an open mind to set aside stereotypes, so good on you for doing that; and for realizing that there ARE topics most of us don’t like to discuss with a casual acquaintance(s). But most of us will talk to you about it, if you are ACTUALLY trying to understand, not just get grist for the gossip mill….
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I am in the beginning of a new relationship with our daughters mother. I am her adoptive mom and our daughter is 4 months old. We don’t have the support we thought we would have, I did the research I swear, we asked the questions, but our daughter’s mom isn’t getting the support we were promised she would and we are not getting the help navigating our relationship with our daughter’s family either. Anyways, can you point us in the right direction for resources to help? I’d love btdt answers from other members of triad with stuff as little as celebrating christmas logistics to is 4 mos too soon to have over night visits in our home with our daughter’s mom? i’m rambling.
PS: i’ve been praying for good news about your daughter’s health.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
OpenAdoptionSupport.com is a great place to start as a resource for OA questions and issues. I wish I had more advice, but there simply isn’t much out there for families trying to find their way through open adoption relationships. So extremely frustrating.
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Thank you.
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Twitter: bumberjoy
says:
We started having our son’s mom for overnight visits when he was around 3/4 months old. We all loved whenever she could come! She was in college then. Our son is almost 3 and she has now graduated and started her career. She comes for visits or to babysit him, but it’s been a while since she’s come for an overnight, though we always offer. I don’t know if I can answer when things are too soon, but just do what is comfortable for both of you.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
As usual I love your post. Going through infertility and then adoption, I whole heartedly agree that how a person/persons build a family is no one’s business (unless the parties involved chose to share). Same for not having kids.
So far the worse thing we’ve been asked is “was his mother a wetback (meaning illegal alien)?” since Charlie is Hispanic.
I’ve also been asked if I was the babysitter. (WTH???) I don’t know if it’s because we live in a very mixed neighborhood or what but I consider us blessed that we haven’t had too many rude or nasty questions.
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I think the worst question we ever got was from my MIL. She asked, “What drugs is she on?” about Cassie’s birthmother. She just assumed “Laine” was an addict, straight off the bat. She’s not.
I would bet that Dee got the question, “What if she has another?”. I know I did. And I’ve gotten the question about what might happen to the kids’ older siblings if something happens to S or Laine.
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Twitter: peacefulkitty
says:
When my daughter was a few months old a friend who knew she was adopted mentioned that she has my husband hair/eye/skin color. I said yes, it was coincidental of all the possible combinations that she would look so much like my husband. An older woman I didn’t know was listening in and commented that my husband probably just fathered the baby with another woman and didn’t tell me. It still galls me years later, why would anyone ever say that. How rude!
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First, I’d like to say that I’ve enjoyed reading your blog, but haven’t commented before, because I think you say what needs to be said, without excuses and without needing extra affirmation.
I’m and a.mom, and I’ve had people ask all KINDS of stupid questions. I’ve had everything from, “He looks so much like you, I’d never know you’re not his “real” mom” to (about my biological children) “Do you love him as much as you love the other kids?” to “I can’t understand how his biological mom could just give him away, I could never do that.”
To the first, I say, “I am a “real” mom to him. What he or I look like is immaterial.” To the second I say, “Do you love all YOUR kids, well, since you even ask that, maybe not”.
The final question is the one that makes me angriest. My answer is this, “She didn’t “give him away”- she trusted him, and his care, to me. You don’t need to understand why. Her reasons are her own. He is loved, he is cherished by each of us, he has a huge family and support system. As to how you could never do that, did I f*cking ask you to?”
I get incredibly upset when I hear people say disparaging things about birth mothers. I’m lucky enough to be a mother through adoption and through birth; hearing ignorant people make comments outside their realm of knowledge is the best way to see me flip my lid.
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I find I probably err on the side of caution and really don’t ask any questions unless she volunteers info on the adoption! Hope she doesn’t think I don’t care at all!
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Can you have the conversation: “Hey, I don’t ever want to offend you with my not totally educated on the topic questions, but I do want you to know that I care and am interested.” It can be perceived that people don’t care about the situation at hand when it is being ignored so no one is offended. I usually understand — but there are times when I just want someone to say, “So, how’s Munchkin?” I’m sure you’re fine and I’m sure she understands, but having the conversation can only be a good thing. Promise.
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We recently opened our adoption from foster care and I still feel very protective of the whole thing. People in general have no clue about anything adoption related and when you add in that it was an older child adoption from foster care, you can imagine the ignorant questions and comments. The main one that burns me is asking why she wasn’t wanted. Really, any question about the placement and TPR is not going to go over well with me unless you have a good reason for asking.
I think that is why I haven’t told many people about our visit. While I wish people knew how well it has worked, I dread the questions.
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My son (peach skin) and my daughter (brown skin) were sitting in a Sam’s club cart. They are 2 1/2 years apart, but the same size….I can’t even remember if we had our third one yet…also brown skin. Well, people always ask stupid questions, are you a daycare, are they all yours, are they brother and sister, didn’t their mother’s love them, blah blah blah. Sometimes people try to be indirectly nosy like asking, oh, beautiful children, are they they same age? That day, I said, “Why yes, they are twins!” My kids both laughed a sinister laugh like they totally understood exactly what I was doing. I don’t get a whole lot of questions when I am out by myself. I hate to think that people are making judgement on me, but I’m sure they are. My husband, however, gets a ton of attention when he is by himself with the kids. We always uplift our birth families as much as we can when people ask questions. The questions about openness are sometimes so annoying…like, does the mother come around a lot? Said with that snide tone…ugh. I will say, most of the time people are mostly polite. Maybe it’s the way we respond. We talk to our kids about how we look different as a family, so people are curious. I want to teach them how to be clever and respectful and that they do have a choice to tell someone to buzz off or answer a question if they so desire.
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I thought you might want an adoptee’s perspective. I remember when I was a child many people would ask me many of the questions many of you are hearing. As I am sure you are aware, your children are going to have to deal with answering many of those inappropriate questions you just stated. Most of those questions were asked from other children. I remember being about six the first time I was asked why I was given away. I also remember being asked if my sister and I were “real” sisters. Another popular question was why my mom didn’t want me. I learned quickly to never talk about being adopted if I didn’t want to be asked those questions.
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I think that is horrible. There was an older sister(maybe 8) of a kid in my son’s preschool class that actually asked us how much it cost to adopt our children, right in front of her dad, and he didn’t say anything. I said, maybe you can ask your dad on the way home why some of those questions could hurt people’s feelings. He never apologized. I guess he didn’t see why there was anything wrong with that…or was just too embarrassed. I don’t get into a huff over the ‘real’ mom terminology. I have foster kid friends who get confused what to call their foster parents and their moms so they even use real mom. A mom is a mom–whether foster, birth or adoptive.
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Most of the time when that question was asked it was not in front of any parents. I never told anyone about it when I got home either. It was too hurtful to talk about for me.
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I thank you for bringing this up. I think conversation with our kids about stuff like this would be a good thing. Or at least to let them know we are open to processing the hurt. Are there any questions you would recommend we ask our children that may have helped you at that time?
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Twitter: monkeysoup1
says:
I have been asked all the drug questions, age questions, sibling questions, what county is she from, (she’s from here!) and if I do my daughter’s hair myself questions. Most questions are made by people who most likely don’t need to know anything about these things, they are just being nosy, or they clearly need educated on some subjects.
I have had a few people who have said things, maybe unintentionally, that I think have been hurtful. A friend of my sister’s introduced myself and Mea to a group of their friends by saying “This is Kelly and her adopted daughter Mea.” Most everyone there who knew us, already knew this. The ones that didn’t probably didn’t need to know. My daughter doesn’t need that qualifier, I don’t and neither do any birth mother’s out there either. For that matter, when people introduce my oldest daughter to people they don’t say, “This is Mack, she came from Kelly’s vagina.”
Which, is actually what I said to her when I corrected her on this.
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Ha! I love the vagina comment. When people ask why my daughter’s mom didn’t keep her I want to ask what position they conceived their child in.
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I haven’t really had any horrible questions. Many people have asked why our son was placed, how old his parents were, etc., but it never really bothered me. Although I’m not the best source for information about another person’s decision, I guess they are asking me because I am available and less likely to be hurt by the question than a birth mom would be–if they know a birthmom.
I think it’s natural human curiosity to ask why someone does something that is increasingly statistically uncommon, emotionally traumatic, and heavily stigmatized in our society. With the exception of one person, I don’t think anyone who has asked me why son was placed asked with any level of judgment in their heart or mind. I think they really just don’t know what kinds of situations lead to placement, because they don’t know anyone who made that decision.
Even today, too many young women are coerced into placing, and too many parents choose to place because of poverty. I would never want to deny any woman the right to place her child, but I feel we all have a social duty to eliminate the conditions that lead to coerced placements and poverty-based placements, and the more people who know that those are often at the root of placement decisions, the more likely it is that those issues will be addressed, either at a personal level (supporting our town’s organization that subsidizes housing and child care for single moms of preschool children) or at a social level (voting for living wages, free child care, more low-income housing, etc.).
If we all act like it’s the question that must not be asked, how will anyone who hasn’t placed or had a conversation with a birth mom ever know what goes into it, and why THEY should care?
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Twitter: fouragainsttwo
says:
Great read and comments. I have never figuered out why people get so happy when they find out that Mita and Enu are bio sisters. They seem so pleased. I used to get the questions “why did their dad not want them” and I would go into an educational speal. Thankfully I don’t get asked that any more as we are small town and most people know our story.
I did make it a point not to share much info with people about birth parents. I didn’t want other people to know more about my girls than they did!
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I’m a nanny, and people have actually had the balls to ask me, “Why did she even have a kid if she’s going to be gone all the time?” The first time, I was just shocked and said I didn’t know. Which is true. Hell if I know why she had a kid. All I know is that I love that kid, the kid is well-cared-for, I love the mom, and her husband, like family, and I don’t want anyone in their business. I’m also pretty offended that, on learning at the park that this adorable creature is not, in fact, “mine,” your immediate conclusion is that whoever gave birth to her should be sitting in my place.
Now, I respond with one of these questions, “Would you ask her why if she were here with us on her lunch break? Would you go and ask her if her pregnancy was a ‘mistake’ or an ‘accident’? Would you ask her if she feels guilty about being gone ‘all the time’?”
Because I surely would not. Not only because I like my job, but also because it’s wrong to ask women about their reproductive choices.
Here’s the thing: it always goes both ways. I bet in under 20 questions, I could find one about for you, person I just met in the park, about your reproductive choices or your daughter’s or your partner’s that would make you feel like crap. It also would be wrong for the family I work for to ask me if I plan on having children. This happens in interviews, or so I hear (at which point, it’s appropriate to walk as far away as possible, in case you didn’t know, because that’s illegal). But I don’t ask 20 potentially uncomfortable/heart-wrenching/guilt-inducing questions to random people at the park or people I work for or anyone because it’s wrong.
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ack, I never got my act together to respond to this prompt, and I’m only just now getting to read the responses…
our daughter is not yet 3, but so far the most offensive questions have been the ones cloaked in judgment about how young/immature our daughter’s birth mom must have been (though there have been far worse statements about her birth father).
the other comments that annoy me most are those that suggest we’re doing our daughter’s birth family some sort of favor by keeping our adoption so open, or the questions which clearly suppose that we should limit such openness.
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