(If you read the “or is it?” in a Keith Morrison voice, you can continue to be my friend. My husband will also high five you.)
I made the mistake of watching last night’s episode of Parenthood alone. My husband was working and I figured, “Well surely it won’t be that bad.” Ever the eternal optimist, I was side-swiped by grief. Thankfully I wasn’t really alone as some lovely people surrounded me on twitter with their thoughts, their love and their experiences (which is why I tweet when I watch shows that hit me hard).
Chronicles has been blowing up today with people searching Zoe Parenthood birth and variations thereof. I suppose I should say something.
– __ — __ —
In those moments when Zoe is pushing and obviously screaming and the doctor and Julia are cheering her on — but there’s no sound except for some stray guitars — I just nodded. There is a mental disconnect in those memories of birthing the Munchkin. I see what was happening, as if I was floating above myself. I can see myself on the bed, my mom to my right in her beaded black sweater. My best friend from college was to my left. Dee and her husband were in the corner behind my friend. I can see the colors of the room; greenish blue, builder beige, bad lighting. I can see the corner where everything was sitting.
But I can’t hear anything.
Which is odd for me. Being the musical theater geek that I was (ahem, am), many of my memories are tied to sound. It only takes one note, one chord at the beginning of a song to take me back to high school, middle school, elementary school or even before. I have vivid memories of laughter and words people said and noises and songs and snippets of song and harmonies.
I have sound memory from the boys being born. The rocking chair squeak. The sound of my husband trying to sleep on the unfortunate plasticy couch in the delivery room. My husband vomitting the day we left the hospital with our oldest son. Their first cries. My husband’s voice. I have all of that.
I have silence with the Munchkin. Like a silent movie; I can see it all, but I don’t know what anyone is saying. Or thinking. Or feeling.
So when they opened the scene with Zoe laboring and it was just a bunch of movement, I nodded. For me, they got that right.
– __ — __ —
As of right now, we don’t really know what happens to the baby that Zoe gave birth to last night. We assume, because assumed that Zoe rocking her baby and smiling meant that Zoe was deciding to parent her child, that Zoe parents. That Julia is heartbroken. I had some hits on the blog with the question of “Why did Zoe take the baby back?” Except, of course, that even if she decided to parent her baby boy, she didn’t take the baby back. It was never Julia’s baby. Yes, it’s horribly sad for Julia and Joel. It is. There’s no getting around it. But that baby boy wasn’t theirs.
However — and especially — next week is the Season Finale of Parenthood. I found that kind of shocking as it’s only February, but there you have it. Season Finales are notorious for their cliffhangers, their “it wasn’t what you thought it was going to be, was it! We tricked you! Ha ha! We win!” In the previews, we see Zoe standing next to a car telling Julia that she changed their life. Julia looks stricken, as Julia usually does. I believe we’re meant to assume that Zoe stopped by to say, “Hey man! I’m keeping my baby, thanks for the organic food, yo!” But I don’t believe that’s what happens. I believe Julia and Joel end up with the baby. I don’t know if that’s the right thing, but it’s my prediction.
Quite honestly, I would really rather that Julia and Joel end up with the baby and Zoe fades into the dark night just so we can stop being subjected to the stereotypical adoption storyline week after week. It’s awfully old now, don’t you think?
I could be wrong. I think it’s a sad, sad thing either way and I’m thankful my husband will be home.
Twitter: danielleb_c
says:
“Julia looks stricken, as Julia usually does”
This made me giggle. She always looks panicked about something.
Thanks for the tweets, by the way- it was a hard episode to watch, mainly for being “side-swiped” like you said, by it. Finale in February? Weird!
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Twitter: fouragainsttwo
says:
I am very happy with this episode. It showed the connection between Julia and Zoe, it showed Julia torn and Zoe look away after he was born…it seemed real.
I think Julia is crying over the the realization that she is going to raise another women’s child, that Zoe will go through such a loss. That she loves Zoe now and the baby.
Maybe I’m a sap, but I think it is going to turn out well….
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Twitter: firemom
says:
It depends on your definition of “well.” Zoe is going to go away. She’s already said that. There’s not going to be an open relationship. And for some families, I suppose that would be a good thing. For me, it’s heartbreaking.
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Twitter: fouragainsttwo
says:
I guess I should define my version of “well”. I see an open adoption storyline because Julia has realized how important she is to the family. I could also see them helping Zoe get on her feet and parent. Less likely but it could happen.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Ahhhh, gotcha. I would be shocked — pleasantly — if it went that route. But I feel that since she’s standing by the car, it isn’t. I envision the whole “driving off into the distance” while Julia stands on the doorstep with her Julia face. heh I’ll buy your coffee if it goes your way! WOO!
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Twitter: Dresdenplaid
says:
It was powerful episode. (Dwayne!!!)
When Zoe said I love you I totally bawled. Because no matter what the outcome is – it was a huge moment for both of them.
I also think that Julia & her husband will parent. You know, if we are taking a poll or something ;-)
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I like how everyone’s interpretation is different depending on their place with adoption. I think Julia truly loves Zoe and is heart broken at the thought of what she is going through and the sacrifice she has made by placing her baby, by giving her and her family a chance to parent, not quite knowing where things go from here, not really sure if she can do this, and not really sure if Zoe will be able to this. All those feelings that I certainly can’t even begin to put into words. They did a really good job of portraying reality–at least for me and our adoption stories and the hospital experience. (We were not in the delivery room for any of our children’s births, but at the hospital during one.) When you love someone so much, you don’t want to see them in pain, you don’t want them to ‘give up’ their chance to parent their baby, but yet you don’t want that loss either and it’s so complicated and hard and confusing and you just don’t know what’s right anymore. The only thing I didn’t like about the show is I feel like they rushed through it again…like last years finale. I hope they take their time….they could have made this show like 3 hours long!
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Twitter: GingerNewingham
says:
I’ve literally only seen one episode of Parenthood (and it wasn’t this week). I’ve heard good things about the show, but just haven’t watched it.
As a new mom (through adoption), I follow quite a few blogs that dealt with this season finale episode.
You said, “I had some hits on the blog with the question of “Why did Zoe take the baby back?” Except, of course, that even if she decided to parent her baby boy, she didn’t take the baby back. It was never Julia’s baby. Yes, it’s horribly sad for Julia and Joel. It is. There’s no getting around it. But that baby boy wasn’t theirs.”
I understand your perspective on the phrasing “take the baby back,” I see it as valid. As a mother of a boy I will never raise though, I disagree with your idea that “baby boy wasn’t theirs.”
We worked with a birth mom and spent months ministering to her. We fell head-over-heels in love with the baby boy she was growing inside of her.
She was carrying my son.
She was also, however, carrying her son.
She decided to parent the child and not allow us to be a part of her life.
Because of love, attatchment, and permission to parent that baby – he was my child.
No, we didn’t give the baby boy “back” to his mother; we (sadly) accepted her decision to parent him. Our beloved birthmother is raising my son too.
You can see more of our failed adoption story on my blog: http://momentsdefined.wordpress.com/
Click on “domestic adoption” in the category cloud on the left.
Thanks for your perspective as a birthmom!
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Twitter: firemom
says:
So many mothers are villainized for deciding to parent, for “taking the baby back,” and I really cannot side with your thinking. I won’t. It’s sad. But there is no legal taking back of the baby by the mother. I am tired of mothers being made to be bad people for exercising their right to parent their own child.
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I just cannot agree with you. I understand that there was no “legal” taking back of the baby, but what is legal and what is right are not the same. Zoe DID take the baby back in an emotional and really an ethical sense. She had every legal right to do so, but it IS a violation of the commitment she made.
Julia and Joel were led–by Zoe– to believe that the child was theirs. They poured out their love, home, money, time, and emotions toward Zoe and this baby with the understanding that they were preparing a home for their child. Zoe changed her mind. She had the power and used it. She took back the baby. She should feel bad about it. Not about parenting her child, but about violating the trust of this couple. They trusted her. They believed her. They were wrong.
“Well I didn’t know!” is a lame excuse. “I made a promise, but I didn’t know that I would not want to keep the promise.” doesn’t really work in any other area life. Breaking a promise is breaking a promise. If that’s the route you’re going to take, have the decency to feel bad about it–especially when you know how much breaking that promise is going to hurt people who have been very good to you.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
You’re 100% into the area of why I don’t believe that pre-birth matching serves anyone well. I understand why it happens and I even agree that certain aspects of it can be beneficial for certain individuals. However, the way that agencies push families — of both sides — into the match process with little to no education on what it all means and how it affects the other people only sets people up for failure.
And until potential adoptive families are told that the mother can choose to parent — without being guilted for doing so — we will see heartbreak and confusion and anger again and again and again.
The biological parents are not the bad people who deserve to be made to feel bad for choosing to parent. Agencies are not explaining what being forced to sign on that line feels like and, quite honestly, there’s no way to go about telling someone that. If they can’t do it, they can’t do it. They’re not bad people because they can’t do it.
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I am just simply going to say, I like how Parenthood turned out. I think a beautiful thing came from something so real.
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This is a promise I broke 14 years ago, and it’s by far the absolute best thing I ever did in this lifetime. Yes I felt bad for the PAPs, but they went on to get another baby. They got what they wanted, A baby. I kept MY baby. There is no such thing as a “failed adoption.” There is simply a mother, parenting her child.
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Twitter: texasebeth
says:
“Because of love, attatchment, and permission to parent that baby – he was my child.” — you did not have permission to parent that baby. The mother chose to parent herself. Permission to parent does not AND can not happen until the mother choses to sign the relinquishment papers.
Yes, love and attachment were/are there BUT that does not make the child “your son” in any way shape or form. I loved my nieces and nephews in utereo; that does not make them “mine”. Love and attachment does NOT make a child “yours”. She is not raising your child. Period.
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Twitter: danielleb_c
says:
Thank you, thank you, thank you. This a million times over.
I feel for the adoptive parents that get into a situation where they become emotionally attached to an idea,but realistically, they must know that that baby isn’t not really “theirs” until the paper work is signed, sealed and delivered. Honestly, I blame agencies for getting these couples into this entitled line of thinking. And it’s that entitlement that blows me away.
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My best friend from college was at my left, too. I’ve never seen the show, but you captured my experience well. Thank you. And thank you for responding to comments with different views with more grace than I can imagine having.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
Kind of funny they were both on the left, no? Thanks for dropping a comment.
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unfortunately, i think all of our instincts are right. see this interview with the actress who plays Julia:
http://www.tvline.com/2012/02/parenthood-season-3-episode-17-christensen-bryant-jaeger-shepard/
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Twitter: danielleb_c
says:
My other thought was that they end with Julia being pregnant, or something.
Another chance to vilify birthmothers…It’ll be interesting to see how they handle this in the end, but either way, it looks like the plot line will be gone for good!
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I too can’t believe the season finale is 2/28 WTF!
In any case as a mom through adoption I have been watching this show closely … so I wait to see how the media might portray what adoption really is and what they might portray as an open adoption… instead of the stereotypes that seem to come up in movies and television. There was a lot of emotions in this episode that I felt were pretty real (for a change) I thought showing Zoe with the baby in the nursery after not wanting to see the baby is supposed to be every prospective parents nightmare fueling the “she’ll parent her baby” which is her every right. But not everyone understands you have to say hello to say goodbye so I’ll hold judgement on how the adoption storyline goes until the end of the season ….
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I still haven’t seen that show.
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For me, the episode made me angry. At first it was my usual reaction to hospital births where I want the mama to get off her tailbone into a better birthing position. Then it was over the whole “want to hold him?” Where she chooses not to. It’s so disrespectful on so many levels for the potential adoptive parent to be right there in that moment. How many mothers have the story of their child’s birth with potential adoptive parents hovering because no one told them better? Shouldn’t we be given the dignity of birthing our children and saying goodbye without being made to be an incubator birthing vessel? Hell yes should hold her baby. Why wasn’t the child placed on her belly anyway?
And not five minutes later in the show, they wrote Julia’s family unit arriving with the glee parade declaring the baby theirs. When were relinquishment papers signed so she can have this child. And remember just a bit ago, you asked her to hold her baby, now you choose to get butt hurt because she does so? Really?
My mind reels at the writing of this show. So much lack of respect for either family and how it should have related to each other.
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I have watched this show from the beginning and loved it but have been disappointed with the storyline from the point when Julia and Joel bring Zoe into their home. Having her live there and having the Zoe and her boyfriend sign some “papers” screamed coercion to me. Of course it makes for better television, but for Julia to be a lawyer, and her character is so concerned with progressive politics and parenting, I would have expected her to be on a different adoption track.
I loved the scene where she is fighting back tears to be brave for Zoe’s sake. I admired that in her and for her giving Zoe the watch. I liked the connection between them. I’m glad that Zoe parented.
I’m disappointed in the writers of this show is my own takeaway feeling.
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