Well, Parenthood, you did it.
I don’t know what you did exactly, but you did it.
I don’t think you did it well, whatever it was. I don’t think you tanked it either, truth be told. You fell somewhere in the middle.
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I don’t really know what I was expecting of the whole potential birth mother story. I was strongly against another “young mother gives up her baby and moves along quite easily” type of Juno storyline. I think that’s been way overdone, so I was really dreading a “Zoe gives up her baby and fades quietly and perfectly into the sunset.” They didn’t give us that.
They also didn’t give us a legal battle, for which I am grateful. They could have allowed Julia and Joel to take home the baby and then had Zoe change her mind. We see enough of that as well, both in fiction and in the news, as the media is prone to jump all over those stories. I was strongly against a story of that nature and I’m glad they didn’t take it there.
I wish, for the viewers’ sake, they they had done a few extra things with this particular storyline… just so society could understand things a bit better, so that expectant parents considering relinquishment weren’t made out to be the untrustworthy, bad people that they were made out to be.
You see, this is the problem that exists with pre-birth matching. The process exists for reasons that I accept (having a plan, meeting the family is better than simply giving birth and panicking; we can all agree on that), but the agencies set too many families — expectant and pre-adoptive — up for too much failure by not being brutally honest about what pre-birth matches mean and entail for all parties. When we have birth mothers admitting that they were too scared to change their mind, we have a problem. When we have adoptive parents berating parents who chose not to reliqnuish but instead to parent, we have a problem. When we are angry with mothers for doing what they feel is right, we have a problem.
Houston, we have a problem.
I wish that the writers had taken a side path, just a short scene, and had Julia and Joel have a conversation with the agency worker or a sibling or someone — anyone — that Zoe had a right to keep her baby after the birth. I wish Julia would have said, “Oh yes, I know, and if it comes to that, I’ll be sad but I’ll respect her decision.” We kind of got to see Julia respect her decision in the Season Finale, but it was without explanation, without previous discussion that she understood the responsibility and moved forward with the relationship — and the attachment that comes with having said relationship. There is a risk of attachment. Most adoptive parents understand that, accept it for what it means, hoping they’ll never have to deal with it. Some keep the potential birth mother and baby at an arm’s reach, guarding their hearts. And some refuse to accept it for what it is. I believe there are benefits to accepting the risk, but it’s also not fair to blame the mothers (and fathers) who decide to parent in the end. Accepting the risk means accepting the risk.
I’m not saying that pre-birth matching is inherently, always, 100% wrong. I’m saying that agencies (and their attorney and facilitator counterparts) are failing families miserable by not helping them tiptoe through the landmines. Instead, we set up a subconsciously coercive situation and then blame the mother when she decides to parent instead of the institution that failed both parties. That’s what’s wrong.
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I tweeted last night that I was now passing the torch of poor storylines off to another niche of the adoption community, our foster-to-adopt counterparts. I’m sorry that you now have to endure being made to look bad, but I’d be willing to bet it’s going to happen. They made Zoe look like a flaky, system-abusing, scheming birth mother. They made Julia look like a do-anything-to-get-a-newborn adoptive mom. And now it’s your turn. I hope they take it a bit easier on you than they did on me.
Twitter: kitschmama
says:
A real aggravation for me regarding Parenthood happened completely outside of the show — on the comments from the show’s Facebook page. So many fans of the show commented on how Zoe should just give Julia the baby. How it was the right thing to do. That Julia and Joel deserved the baby.
As a human being who is sensitive to /every/ person in the adoption triad (I’m a mom of the fost-adopt variety), it rankled me beyond belief. It really did shine a light on the lack of enlightenment that people in general have about adoption, birth moms, and placement. And it made me sad.
As for next season (if there is one), I fully expect that they will not address adoption out of birth order, but they will likely portray him as manifesting all the worst case behaviors with little or no background or explanation. I wish they would address adoption as well as they’ve handled Max’s Asperger’s.
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I’m planning my own post on Parenthood. I’m very upset with how the story line has been handled, and I have no hope that it will be handled well in the future. However, I did like that Zoe and Julia had a moment, even if it was brief.
This is what I wrote about last week’s episode:
http://chittisterchildren.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/parenthoods-adoption-story-line-is-almost-over/
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As a first mom, I was hoping for all of that, as well. As a pre-adoptive foster mom, I spent most of my post picking apart their apparent lack of realism and hoping that they don’t screw this storyline up, too. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Twitter: danielleb_c
says:
You summed up a lot of what I thought. I’m still stewing over the show in general…At least it is over, right?!
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really great commentary on the show, even if you felt you had to write it! I don’t even watch it but I’ve kept up on the storyline through twitter and blogs…
and you’re right, that should have been included, if only to dispel the misconceptions about expectant parents as well as to squash any entitlement by PAPs.
I understand the concern about pre-birth matching but I don’t always think it’s a bad thing. as you said there can be benefits but I get that so often it can be even subtly coercive. I just left a (long) comment over at danielle’s blog too…
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Twitter: firemom
says:
I’m always careful and hesitant to address pre-birth matching. It worked for us. It was necessary for someone like me, a planner, who has to have the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed to feel okay with a certain path. (As such, I don’t particularly deal with crisis well. Obviously. Ha!)
I am lucky in that Dee is amazing and never pushed me to do anything that I didn’t want to do, nor did she promise anything that she didn’t deliver. I recognize I am lucky in that regard. I am.
Our unethical facilitator didn’t do anything to prepare us for what might happen if I chose to parent after the Munchkin was born. In fact, I didn’t really understand that I had the option to “change my mind” at that point in time. They were a class act, that ANLC!
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Twitter: fouragainsttwo
says:
I was conflicted with the end of the season. I was happy that Zoe had reached out to her mom for help. I was happy that Julia and Joel weren’t mad and swearing at Zoe. I have to tell you when they brought out that little boy my heart dropped. How are they going to handle the older adoption thing? Is he older than Syndney. I don’t think Julia and Joel had enough mourning time over the loss of the baby (yes, the baby was not yet “thiers” but it was a loss.
Too much to fast. I hope it all works out.
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Twitter: firemom
says:
It is a loss and, yes, I think they rushed it, not only from one to another but from one kind to another. Should be a complete cluster! (Glad to see you typing!)
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As someone trying to adopt, I agree we have a problem. I don’t want a mom to feel coerced. I understand that she can and should be able to change her mind. We’re dealing with all the feelings that come when she decides to parent. I’m trying not to be angry and I’m trying not to share my anger with those who don’t understand and would judge her. I hurt for this baby and I hope he’ll be okay. In this case, she’s in jail, and a drug addict. She’s already placed 2 children. She’s never gotten out of jail and stayed clean before. She wants to try. (try is her word). I hope for both of them that she does. I know our consultant asked some questions that made me uncomfortable. It felt too much like guilting her about her decision. I think that’s inappropriate. In the meantime, I’m devastated. This is a financial and emotional loss. It’s been 2 weeks and it doesn’t hurt any less yet. I know it will but I’m not there yet. I don’t think this mom scammed us. I think she honestly intended to place her son and I think as it got closer to delivery she started thinking maybe I could do this. Maybe I can kick the drugs. I can’t blame her for wanting a different life.
We need to reform adoption. It shouldn’t be big business, but it is. Adoption agencies should bear some of the financial risk. It shouldn’t all be on the adoptive parents. It also shouldn’t cost so much to do a private adoption.
And we shouldn’t, any of us, make a mom feel bad for her choice, whichever choice she makes. It takes courage to place a child, and it takes courage to raise a child. Both choices should be respected.
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