This has happened twice in the past week. Twice. And today it made me cry. At 7:30 in the morning. No one should cry that early. Even LittleBrother didn’t really cry this morning. He made some noises, got to eat at the tap and went right back to sleep. It should be a cry-free day. But no. So, I’ve got to say this:

I AM NOT AN ADOPTIVE MOTHER.

I have had two readers in one week leave comments that have chastised me for saying something “off-color” for an adoptive parent. Of course, that makes sense since I’m not an adoptive parent and if you’re reading this blog thinking that, my comments are going to seem really off the wall.

I AM A BIRTH MOTHER. A FIRST MOTHER. A BIOLOGICAL MOTHER. WHATEVER!

When I say that I am not my daughter’s parent, I mean it literally. I do not parent her. I am her first mother but I am not her everyday mother. When I say that I am not her parent or that she is not mine and TheHusbandMan’s daughter (uh, TheHusbandMan is not even her biological father!), I am not dissing adoptive parents. Not in any way, shape or form. My daughter has everyday parents. And they’re freaking awesome. She’s a lucky little lady who has two everyday parents, grandparents around the bend, a first mother who works really hard to be there for her, a biological father who tries to figure out how to handle this, two half-siblings who think she’s pretty awesome and a “Bonus Dad” (aka TheHusbandMan). I would never, in a million years, say that adoptive parents are not parents. I’m not a moron.

I don’t know how anyone could read anything written here and not realize that I’m a birth mother.  But here’s a tip. When you’re new to a blog and you think the author has just written something kind of strange, dig a little deeper before you insult them via comment or e-mail. On every single page of this blog is a link to the about the author page. Read it. It’s good for you. Do so on other blogs, too. It’s nice to learn about people. Learning is good.

Now that I’ve been insulted this morning for “dissing” adoptive parents, I’m going to get ready for a really busy week. TheHusbandMan is working a bunch of overtime this week at the fire department because of some illnesses and once at the ambulance company (where he still works on an “as needed” basis) for one of our groomsmen (and his secondary boss there) because C and his wife are finalizing their adoption on Wednesday. Yeah. That’s right. A family with a birth mother in it still supports adoption. Gasp. (That said, J is the most awesome little dude ever. He had a very rough start in life and is very, very blessed to have been placed in C’s family. And? Still has ties to the bio family. Thumbs up all around.)

And just in case you missed it, a quick recap: I’m not an adoptive parent. I’m a birth mother. I don’t hate adoptive parents. I’m just not one. I speak from my point of view, not yours. Any questions? Hit the comments. KACHOW! (What? Cars is on. At 7:50am…)

A Public Service Announcement is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Hit up The Daily Bastardette for some important news to adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents who live in, were placed in or relinquished in Ohio. That said, it’s important news for the triad in general! Man, I’d love to see Ohio pass this one. Someone should make a graphic.

Ohio Adoption Record News is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I was perusing the FSOT forums on TheBabywearer just now. I came across this post (you must join to read) where a mother is trying to raise money to go to Korea… for her son’s first mother’s wedding. *BLINK BLINK* She’s selling a Peekaru Vest and a MamaJacket via raffle. Tickets are $5.00 each. Consider buying a ticket even if you don’t want the coat or the vest… and if you win, give it to me! Why consider that? Because, how many internationally adopting parents travel back for their child’s first mother’s wedding? My guess is that the number is minimal considering how few have contact, especially when their children are still very young. Celebrate with this family. But really, if you win and you don’t really want it, give it to meeeeee. (Again, to read the post, you must join TBW. It’s free.)

Please Read and Consider Contributing is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’m feeling put upon this afternoon. I’m feeling offended. And I know I shouldn’t. But I am. I’ll blame late-pregnancy super-sensitive hormones, a lack of sleep and a strong desire for more Starbucks but an inability to shove myself into the car to drive and go get some. Partly irrational, I do agree but… really, I have to ask: why is okay to assume the worst of birth parents but, to flip it, never okay to assume the worst of adoptive parents? Why the double standard?

Someone asked in a forum setting a question that, by itself, doesn’t make me feel offended. But when I sit and think about it on the grand scale of things, I am miffed. I’m tired of the double standard. The question in question?

“Have any (of you) birth parents turned to drugs to deal with the loss of your child?”

The question is a legitimate one when you consider the complexities of grief and loss. As our society doesn’t deal really well with grief and loss and we are thus often ill-prepared to handle the issues when they are thrown in our path, poor coping mechanisms are not out of the question. And so, part of me understands the question. My answer, of course, is no. I know a few others who have turned to drugs or alcohol because therapy was simply not available. (I mean, it took me three-plus years to find a therapist with experience!) They have acknowledged that masking the grief with the feel-good effects of drugs and/or alcohol didn’t solve anything but it’s all they knew to do at the time.

Okay, so, it happens. We acknowledge that. But my question is: why the double standard on talking about these issues? I want to post the following question:

“Have you, as an adoptive parent, turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with the grief and loss associated with infertility or miscarriage or the rigors of parenting in general?”

Can you imagine the flame war that would begin? Can you imagine the absolute anger that would be felt by that entire side of the triad for such an awful assumption? And yet, I know a mother who did turn to drugs when she was dealing with infertility. It’s not her proudest moment and she has since been through rehab and is a great, great friend to me. We know it happens. But why isn’t it okay to ask?

Why is it okay to ask about birth parents and an assumed tendency to cope with things poorly but not okay to flip the question? I’m not saying we shouldn’t be asking about birth parents who have coped poorly; I think we should! I think we should be discussing the why’s and where-for’s of these detrimental coping mechanisms so that future birth parents aren’t sucked into their evil grasp. We should acknowledge that they exist and make plans to help those currently struggling and those who might come along in the future. But should we be ignoring the other side of the coin? Simply because people assume that adoptive parents have it all together? I don’t think so.

All I’m saying is: issues are not unique to one group of parents. Birth parents aren’t the only ones who deal in poor ways. We’re just expected to because of stereotype and long-standing stigmas.

And if you do have a drug or alcohol problem, oh, please, reach out. You can beat this. I promise you!

Why Are Some Questions Okay and Not Others? is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I think I’ll expand on this on the birth/first parent blog next week. But I need to “free write” on this recent choice phrase on a certain forum discussion with regard to a mother’s decision to place her child for adoption. Twice now, the decision to relinquish has been referred to as an “awesome out.” (QuietlyMothering hit on the topic on her blog the other day after the initial offense.)

I was initially so shocked that all I could say was, “Did you really just refer to adoption as an awesome out?” Because I was honestly flabbergasted. Granted, the member to this forum was new. But still. You don’t often see such a blatant disregard for the emotional complexities of placement. Okay, maybe you do. But it’s been awhile for me. And it was disturbing on many levels.

And so, someone else chimed in with “OMGZ! ABORTION IS TEH EVIL SO OF COURSE ADOPTION IS AN AWESOME OUT!” Really, I’m so tired of the adoption-abortion comparision melarchy. It smacks of a complete lack of education on the matter. I know plenty of pro-life women who are intelligent enough to know the difference between the two and to realize that adoption is not the answer to the “abortion problem.” And so when I’m presented with those who can’t seem to separate the two, again, my mind turns to mush.

And so, to dissect the idea that adoption is any kind of out, I will provide a list of reasons that doesn’t work for me:

1. I wanted to parent my daughter so badly. I was not looking for an out.

2. Since certain circumstances and people were getting in the way of my original desire to parent, I made the decision that I wanted to be in my daughter’s life (through open adoption). That decision was a lifelong commitment that I made to her and her family. If I would have been looking for an out of any kind, I would have signed the paper and walked away. Even still, that doesn’t remove the point I’m about to make.

3. Just because I ended up signing over the rights to my child doesn’t mean that I stopped loving her, worrying about her or caring about her well-being. She is forever on my mind and in my heart. I cannot simply and magically remove her from my being. She altered who I am in so many different and glorious ways. Termination of rights has nothing to do with termination of love. Nothing at all.

4. Even if something was to happen that closed our adoption, I would never be free from my daughter. She is a piece of my being. With that door closed, I would just be even less of my whole person.

I’m just not understanding where this idea is coming from other than a blatant disregard for the experience of first mothers. The decision to place was agonizing and horrifying. The physical separation was excruciating. The signing of the TPR was humiliating. (Doubly so since I was forced to do it twice.) And the continued presence I have in her life is sometimes emotionally and physically draining. But I do it because I was looking for a way to be “IN” her life.

Not out. IN.

Adoption as ANY Kind of “Out” is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Obviously, I am still pondering the issues I talked about in a recent post which were brought forth by discussions in various forum type settings. D and I have had a few discussions since then, leaving me feeling further validated in our own adoption and empathetic towards families who aren’t as lucky. As I was writing my (long) post on my personal regret for the birth/first parent blog this morning, something began to nag at me. In my heart and mind. It followed me as I hit the sales for Labor Day with BigBrother in tow. As I sipped my orange creme frappucino, the treat for finishing all planned errands, it really began to yell at me.

I have to admit that there was a time that I was threatened by D’s existence. Let me get ahead of myself and say that is not currently the case. Now I can go back and talk about it without people flipping out on me. Or, I should be able to.

Truth be told, when I allow myself to be totally honest, I was threatened by D when our relationship began. Not as a human being; goodness, she’s no bigger than I am! She’s also not confrontational or overbearing. That said, she’s also not a doormat so don’t try to walk all over her. But when we began our match, I was threatened and/or intimidated. Here was this woman. The woman who was going to be parenting my daughter. What did she think of my meager apartment? If I chose to parent, which I obviously didn’t, would she say nasty things about how the child that she had grown to love would be raised? Was I “good enough” to be her daughter’s birth mother? Did I say stupid things? What if I said something that made them not want to have me in their lives? The list went on and on.

And then that threat kind of subsided for awhile after placement. I began to fall into the place I was meant to have in our family unit. I viewed D as a friend, not just the mother of my daughter.  We fell into a nice give and take and things were easy.

Then Munchkin began to talk.

Then I heard her call D “Mom.”

And man, if the big green-eyed monster of jealousy didn’t rear his ugly head.

Not that I let it get in the way of our relationship. But it did take some adjusting. And I did feel threatened for a few months as I tried to figure out what my “role” really was for the Munchkin. It was hard to hear Munchkin verbalize her understanding of Mom and not know, exactly, where I fit in to her perception. Heck, I didn’t even know where I wanted to fit in or should fit in! The not knowing, the uncertainty, is what really killed me.

Thankfully, after I got involved with my current therapist, I was able to work through those emotions. I do not feel threatened when Munchkin calls D “Mom;” she IS Mom. I am one of her mothers and I have my own unique role in her life. I don’t do the everyday things. No. And sometimes that sucks and fills me with some regret. But, no, I’m just not threatened. I’m not jealous. It’s really, plain and simple, not D’s fault that I am not Munchkin’s everyday Mom. It would be completely out of line to place those feelings of resentment, frustration and fear onto D’s shoulders. It would be unfair. It would hinder our relationship.

So, yes, I’m in a good place. Does that mean I don’t expect to feel any of those feelings again? No, I probably will at some point, won’t I? Continuous milestones will probably bring up some issues that leave me feeling exposed and without knowledge of where I fit into the scenario. But now that I’ve had therapy to help me realize my own role in her life, I hope to get past any issues like those with relative ease. If not with ease, at least with an understanding of what I’m going through and what’s available on the other side.

In short: I’m beginning, however slowly, to empathize with adoptive mothers who may feel threatened by the existence of their child’s first mother. However, like me, I really think it needs to be worked through, as soon as possible, if we really want to keep the best interest of the child at heart and hand. Continued feelings of jealousy or fear towards D could have greatly hindered our relationship. I’m glad I was able to see my own fault and deal with it before it became anything serious in nature.

(Be sure to hit up my long-winded post on personal regret on the birth/first parent blog from this afternoon. It was an emotional chore to write.)

On Feeling Threatened, Flip Side is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

My mind has been boggled for the past day or so and I’ve had to remind myself, repeatedly, that we all have our own emotions and experiences in adoption. However, the fears of others really got me overwhelmed and I had to ask D a question, point blank:

Me: Are you threatened by me at all?
D: threatened by you?
D: no. why?

I go on to explain a recent discussion in which adoptive moms were being open and honest (which is good!) about how they are threatened by the existence of their child’s birth mother which has, as you could imagine, caused some riffs here and there in the communication process. D did admit to feeling unsure of what to say when someone comments on Munchkin’s beauty, feeling as though she is lying for “taking credit” for something she had no biological input into but other than that, her final answer to this question made my nerves calm a bit:

Me: but does my existence make it hard for you to feel like ariana’s “MOM”
D: oh heck no

I’m not speaking for all birth mothers, adoptive mothers and the various situations that can happen between the two. I’m just wanting to put it out there that not all adoptive mothers are threatened, not all birth mothers are threatening and yes, the two can work together without major and constant conflict.

I am not a threatening person. I have, at times, spoken out of turn and not thought through my words as thoroughly as I should have before speaking. Thankfully, I have seen the error in doing that in the few times that it has happened and my apologies have been welcomed and accepted. Other than that, I am a first mother who believes in respecting my daughter’s parents by following through with set boundaries, asking questions when necessary and being a consistent presence (so that they’re not left wondering when I’ll show up or what I’ll do next). I know that not all first family members are as “easy” to deal with (though referring to myself as easy to deal with makes me laugh really, really hard).

At the same time, I know how truly blessed and lucky I am (we are) that D isn’t threatened by my mere existence. I don’t feel a constant need to walk on eggshells just to make sure that she feels like she is the Munchkin’s Mom; she is, plain and simple. Munchkin is truly the lucky one that D was able to step in and fill that role, even with my continuous involvement, without a huge amount of hesitation or fear. While I benefit from the fact that D isn’t threatened by my existence and involvement, I think the truth remains that Munchkin is the true beneficiary of D’s acceptance and love of me and my (our) participation in their family.

After all, it is about the Munchkin, no?

On Feeling Threatened is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

In reading a NYT article, “Do Parents Feel Differently About Their Adoptive Children Than Their Offspring,” I got to pondering the question itself as well as its flip-size counterpart. I don’t have all of the answers, as per usual, but I have my own thought processes involved in the subject. Quite frankly, the answers, as with all answers, will vary.

I’m sure that the majority of adoptive parents who read the title of the article jumped up and said, “Well, of course not!” I’m sure that the truth is that many adoptive parents do not love their biological children any more than their adopted children. Many parents are capable of loving more than one child, no matter how the child entered the family unit. The truth remains, however, that some (adoptive) parents may favor their biological child over an adopted child. It’s not an always or never kind of question; some people might, others might not.

It falls the same for first parents, I’m afraid. As much as I don’t want to say it.

Many of the birth parents that I know, those who blog or communicate with me via forums and e-mail, would have a strong and hearty, “No, I don’t love my parented child more than my placed child.” Though some have argued in the past that you should love your parented child more than your placed child, there are many of us who disagree with that thought process.

Speaking personally, I don’t love BigBrother (or LittleBrother, yet to be born) more than I love the Munchkin. I simply don’t. I do love them, however, in different ways because the situation requires a different way of expressing that love. For those who don’t quite understand that statement, I’ll give an example:

In loving my parented son, BigBrother, I set the boundaries to keep him safe. I do that with love. I don’t let him eat many sweets and I make sure he brushes his teeth before bed. When he hits his cousin while they are playing, I take him out of the room and have a discussion about why we do not hit our friends/relatives and then I get to do the soothing because I was the Mean Mommy and removed him from his play time. I do all of that, even the disciplining, with love. I love him. And I want him to grow up to respect himself and others. I am in charge of that learning process, of those boundaries.

It’s not that way with Munchkin. If she hits BigBrother when they are playing, it is not my job to remove her from the situation or to console her after she has been reprimanded. The boundary issue falls on her everyday Mom. D is in charge of loving her in that manner, of showing her those things. It’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s just not my place to do so. The only way that I can show her love in that kind of similar parenting role is by respecting the boundaries that D and J set for her, by respecting her parent’s wishes for how she is to be raised. Meaning, that during a visit if the Munchkin tries to pull a fast one on the grown-ups and asks me for cake right before dinner, I will either send her to her Mom (or Dad) to ask the question or defer to how I know (or assume) D would handle the issue.

Obviously, handling my placed child and my parented child(ren) happen in very, very different manners. That does not change the love that is in my heart for any of them; not one bit. I would give my life, wholly and completely, for either Munchkin or BigBrother (and LittleBrother). I will fight to the death to protect them from harm. I feel fiercely protective of Munchkin, even though she isn’t under my physical wing of protection, much like I feel protective of my son(s). When the big toy recall happened, my mind wasn’t only wondering whether or not our own toybox was infested with the offending toys but I worried whether or not the Munchkin (and her brother) had them, too!

All that said, I can’t speak for other first mothers. As I said, I’ve seen other mothers speak to the same thing as I’ve written about regarding my own personal experience with this topic. But the truth remains, either because they were told that’s how it had to be or because of their own personal beliefs or because of their own emotional issues, some birth parents do not feel the same way about the two sets of children. If they did, we wouldn’t have posts like this that really hit at the heart of all first parents who do love their children equally. I cannot, for the life of me, ever imagine ostracizing my daughter in the way that the linked adoptee (and countless others) have been; treated as second class children by their own biological parents. I don’t want to imagine what would have to happen to me in order for me to treat the daughter that I love, so dearly, in such a manner.

And so, while I’m sure the world wants to believe that all adoptive parents love their adopted children just as much as their biological children, we can’t use the word “always.” Just the same, we can’t use the word “always” in regards to how birth parents feel about their children either. In a perfect world, as so many others have mentioned, these would never be issues. I can only hope, as time progresses, that more and more birth parents feel as I do about the children that have been placed for adoption.

Not for our sake. Not for the sake of breaking stereotypes and stigmas. No.

For the sake of our children.

Flip Question: Do First Parents Feel Differently About Their Children? is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’m alive. If you’ve written about adoption in the past two and a half weeks, I haven’t read a single word. I thought about catching up but then just marked my RSS reader as “read” and moved on; I’m not in the best place. I’m improving, slowly, but man, Mother’s Day plus anxiety plus pregnancy hormones plus whatevertheheckelseisgoingon has really thrown me for a loop. I’d drink a big old margarita but, ya know, being pregnant and allergic to most alcohol sort of puts a damper on that idea.

So, it’s looming: Mother’s Day. I’m trying to get in an okay place. Actually, I get to cheat this year. TheHusbandMan’s birthday falls on Mother’s Day and I will be spending most of my day concentrating on making my Husband feel like the amazingly special man, husband and father that he is: good presents, good company and good cake. (Possibly good food but I’m having a brain fart.) But, that doesn’t mean that the world isn’t inundating me with the fact that Sunday IS Mother’s Day. Even listening to Yahoo! radio, I have commercials for flowers and other “stuff.”

Oh, oh, and it’s every-freaking-where on the internet, from forums to blogs to news bites to jokes to memes. In fact, Tara alerted me to a nauseating thread today which I’ve been watching like a nauseated hawk. (And my nausea has lifted!) Seriously, I’d like to yak up some words into the thread but it would be like puking on a dead horse: absolutely no use.

It started with a mother involved in an international adoption asking if others who had adopted from her country (begins with a C ends with a hina) would be remembering or honoring their childrens’ birth mothers on Mother’s Day. She was doing so by simply lighting a candle at church and a few other small things with their young child.

The responses? Let’s gather the “best” ones:

I’m not sure, is it healthy to confuse a young child?

Oh, better!

Mother’s Day (for me) is to celebrate the woman that raises, heals, loves, nurtures, disciplines, and spends every day carring for the child; regardless of being a step-mother, birth mother or adoptive mother. But if the person does not take part in those things, the celebration is more about giving birth (which is also obviously important, but not what I consider the definition of “mommy”)

(Which, that statement contradicts itself by USING birth mother which the intelligent person* probably meant to mean for “mother by biological means” but, hey, use the wrong word, get slammed anyway.)

And, and, this particular user’s responses are especially … callous.

May I ask Why you would want to do that? …and on that day?
Seems like your goals could be achieved in much more subtle ways, and not on “your day”.

The anti-birth mother user goes on:

A tradition is nice, but doing something that has flexibility and can change with your child over time would be a good idea. I see a lot of problems with imposing on the child how they should feel, or how you think they feel. The child may not even know how they feel yet…or the feelings may be anger. Using Mother’s Day as a template of what to do probably won’t fit. Take for example most Mother’s Day cards with “I Love You” on Them…the child clearly does not “love” the birth mother…a complete stranger. Do we want them to say they “miss them” when they may not. Are they allowed to say “I hate you” if they do?

Now, I’m all for letting children dictate what to do when they’re old enough to do say, “Hey, ya know, I’m not down with this at this point in time.” I would never force the Munchkin to visit me if she wasn’t feeling comfortable with our relationship. (Think: teen years.) However, I want to know if this particular user’s thought process leaks over into how our parented children (by adoption or biology or marriage or whatever) feel about US on Mother’s Day (and the like).

For example, if that person’s child wakes up on Mother’s Day and says, “I hate you, I don’t love you and I refuse to celebrate your special day,” would that be welcome? Furthermore, since this know-it-all child educator (who hasn’t yet adopted, mind you) thinks that you shouldn’t tell a child how to think or feel or act on a prior to being able to make their own decisions, then this particular person should never try to celebrate Mother’s Day until the child says, “I think we should get you a cake this year for Mother’s Day” around age five or six when their peers are talking about the holiday in school. Also, this person should never coax their child to say, “I love you,” or even prompt them to give kisses. After all, we don’t want to confuse the poor child into thinking they have feelings for someone.

Blimey.

Furthermore, what, may I ask, is wrong with teaching a child to respect other people. It’s true that you get into some complex issues when it comes to respecting your birth mother or birth father but… if you start, at a young age, teaching your child to be proud of their heritage and where they came from and that, yes, they WERE always loved… don’t we think that’s better than … say … NOTHING? How and why would something be confusing if it is part of their reality from the very beginning? Is Grandpa John confusing when there’s also a Grandpa Joe? No! More Grandpas are GOOD.

I’m frustrated, obviously. I know people don’t want me to participate in Mother’s Day celebrations when it comes to the Munchkin. I’m supposed to be reduced to celebrating our bond on Birthmother’s Day (which I loathe and refuse to even acknowledge). But, as Jan Baker put it so properly in the birth/first parent blog: I’ll celebrate Birthmother’s Day when a SEPARATE day is made SOLELY for Adoptive Mothers and they are forced to ONLY celebrate on THAT day. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

All that said, I have therapy scheduled for the day after Mother’s Day. I’m smart sometimes.

Words Like These is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Watch Two A-Holes at an Adoption Agency.

First of all, I love SNL. Secondly, this is one of my favorite skits. Third, yes, I’d be annoyed if this was a skit portraying birth parents poorly.

So, shoe’s on the other foot. Comments on YouTube include:

That was scary, I know people like that! Very scary. Whats even scarier, is that they actually give people like that children…

I’m aware that SNL exists simply to poke fun at people/things/issues and paraody life. However, we rarely see adoptive parents stereotyped so negatively on national media. I want to know how real (as in, a couple who doesn’t embody the two in this sketch) adoptive parents would feel if they were constantly portrayed as uneducated, egotistical, money-slinging baby mongers ON A DAILY BASIS.

How would it feel?

Let’s Switch Shoes for a Day or Two is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.