I’m feeling put upon this afternoon. I’m feeling offended. And I know I shouldn’t. But I am. I’ll blame late-pregnancy super-sensitive hormones, a lack of sleep and a strong desire for more Starbucks but an inability to shove myself into the car to drive and go get some. Partly irrational, I do agree but… really, I have to ask: why is okay to assume the worst of birth parents but, to flip it, never okay to assume the worst of adoptive parents? Why the double standard?
Someone asked in a forum setting a question that, by itself, doesn’t make me feel offended. But when I sit and think about it on the grand scale of things, I am miffed. I’m tired of the double standard. The question in question?
“Have any (of you) birth parents turned to drugs to deal with the loss of your child?”
The question is a legitimate one when you consider the complexities of grief and loss. As our society doesn’t deal really well with grief and loss and we are thus often ill-prepared to handle the issues when they are thrown in our path, poor coping mechanisms are not out of the question. And so, part of me understands the question. My answer, of course, is no. I know a few others who have turned to drugs or alcohol because therapy was simply not available. (I mean, it took me three-plus years to find a therapist with experience!) They have acknowledged that masking the grief with the feel-good effects of drugs and/or alcohol didn’t solve anything but it’s all they knew to do at the time.
Okay, so, it happens. We acknowledge that. But my question is: why the double standard on talking about these issues? I want to post the following question:
“Have you, as an adoptive parent, turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with the grief and loss associated with infertility or miscarriage or the rigors of parenting in general?”
Can you imagine the flame war that would begin? Can you imagine the absolute anger that would be felt by that entire side of the triad for such an awful assumption? And yet, I know a mother who did turn to drugs when she was dealing with infertility. It’s not her proudest moment and she has since been through rehab and is a great, great friend to me. We know it happens. But why isn’t it okay to ask?
Why is it okay to ask about birth parents and an assumed tendency to cope with things poorly but not okay to flip the question? I’m not saying we shouldn’t be asking about birth parents who have coped poorly; I think we should! I think we should be discussing the why’s and where-for’s of these detrimental coping mechanisms so that future birth parents aren’t sucked into their evil grasp. We should acknowledge that they exist and make plans to help those currently struggling and those who might come along in the future. But should we be ignoring the other side of the coin? Simply because people assume that adoptive parents have it all together? I don’t think so.
All I’m saying is: issues are not unique to one group of parents. Birth parents aren’t the only ones who deal in poor ways. We’re just expected to because of stereotype and long-standing stigmas.
And if you do have a drug or alcohol problem, oh, please, reach out. You can beat this. I promise you!