The newest Open Adoption Roundtable made me laugh.
We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?
Our “agency” did nothing to support openness. Nothing.
The openness that they lead me to believe was my only option involved updates for the first year, sporadic updates through a certain age (I recall five, but it may have been seven) and then nothing. It wasn’t until my daughter’s adoptive father talked about potentially visiting after the adoption that I even came to realize that open adoptions could be fully open. It was a far-fetched idea for me at the time, and I told him I would consider it, not wanting to close the door immediately but unsure of if I could handle it. (Obviously, I came to my senses!)
What was the least supportive thing? Where do I begin?
- Lying by omission by not informing me that open adoptions were not legally binding in our state.
- Not providing me with pre-placement counseling that would have helped with future openness issues.
- Not telling either adult party about the ins and outs of open adoption.
- Not providing me with post-placement counseling when I asked for it.
The list goes on. Of course, looking at the atrocities that they are still heaving upon the adoption industry, it’s not surprising to read that list, now is it?
If it wasn’t for my therapist, that I paid for myself as my “agency” refused to help me locate or pay for one, I wouldn’t have made heads or tails of open adoption. To be fair, I was her first “fully” open adoption birth mother as well. She read books, dug into our story and worked hard to come up to speed so that she could help me figure it all out. I am grateful that at least one professional, though not specifically attached to the industry, came through for me.
