They don’t seem to learn, do they?

There I was, minding my own business, not even planning on blogging on Chronicles today (or this week, or… well…), when a comment came in on an old post from March of this year. Odd, I thought. I figured it was spam. It was better than spam!

It was an adoption agency worker! Swell.

You can view the thread that Heidi from Adoptions from the Heart decided to crash, get name-cally, get angry and then seemingly apologize for at the end in its entirety over on the original post. What’s not on the post is her email that she sent after she faux-apologized. So we’ll put it here.

You say that you would only delete a comment or get upset if someone was personally attacking your family. The negative rumors on your blog are attacking my family. Not my work family but my actual family. I have no problem with people sharing their opinions and I expect to hear negative feedback occasionally. I hear lots of good feedback as well. Maxine is my mother, she founded this agency, so when I read false rumors being spread through the internet it is like a personal attack. Negative feedback is one thing rumors are another. I would have completely understood if you had taken that comment and investigated it and if you found something posted your findings but to put it out there the way it is hurts not only the agency and my family but also those families and women who are working with us. I apologize for not leaving information and moving on – the comments are getting out of hand and they are turning into an attack on me personally now . You want to protect those who feel free to post on your site and have it be a safe place for them to express themselves, yet I am being blasted for expressing mine.

I share that so everyone doesn’t think that the discussion ended with her “apology.”

Because my blogging ethics were called into question, let’s take a closer look at the ethical train wreck that is Adoptions from the Heart.

Want to know my Number One Reason for Hating Adoption Agencies? And it’s not how they treat or mistreat birth parents. It’s treating children like a commodity and, more specifically, treating non-white children like a lesser commodity. That’s right: Adoptions from the Heart charges different prices by race.

From their “domestic minority” pdf (as a warning, the monetary breakdown of how much children cost night make you sick):

Placement fees for African-American children are subsidized due to the great need for families to adopt children of this heritage. Placement fees can be found on our fee schedules. Fees and costs for the program are based on the fee schedule in effect at the time services are provided.

And, it gets even better from their FAQ:

8. We have wonderful biological children and want to adopt in order to give a child a home, do we have to be infertile to adopt?
Not necessarily. Currently there are less available Caucasian infants than there are families requesting to adopt them. Therefore AFTH will not be accepting applications for our Caucasian adoption program from families who are able to conceive a biological child. However, there is a need for families for African-American children in the US and many International adoption programs that allow families with children to adopt.

And so, in short, you can have yourself a black or biracial baby for cheaper! And if you can have your “own” babies, well then, you can still get one of our cheaper African American babies! See! We’re doing you a favor.

So, let’s get down to it if we’re going to talk about ethics, information sharing and the adoption industry. Suz saying, in the comments of a post specifically asking for information about adoption agencies, that she had unsubstantiated information and that it was hearsay was not an unethical discussion. Me asking for more information, but not following up because the couple adopting found out the unethical race issues in this post before I could even share the original post with them, is not an ethical misstep on my part. What was an unethical misstep on my part was not going back to the original post an letting all readers know that Adoptions from the Heart treats children of AA heritage as though they are somehow less than.

Price breakdowns by race are disgusting. (Of course, price breakdowns for any adoption at all really rub me the wrong way, but by race is horrifying. This is 2011, darn near 2012.) I don’t want justifications like “biracial babies are harder to place” or any such nonsense. Stop doing it. It’s wrong. It’s ugly. And, when it comes down to it, it’s just about the almighty dollar for the agencies. It’s not about “finding homes for the harder to place biracial children.” It’s about agencies knowing that they can charge more for white babies; it’s about knowing how to make more money.

And it’s disgusting.

Call me unhappy. Call me upset. But call a spade a spade: Adoptions from the Heart isn’t concerned with ethical adoption. They’re only concerned about “rumors” on the Internet and how they may or may not be perceived by those considering adoption. The truth, not the rumor, is this: Charging different prices for race is unethical. End of discussion.

Which Is Worse: An Unsubstantiated Rumor or Charging Different Prices for Race? is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Sometimes I push myself too far.

I got an email informing me of a conference call held by Lifetime Adoption with Mardie Caldwell about her new book, Called to Adoption. I jokingly forwarded it to Dawn about how I should call in. She laughed and told me to do it. I missed the beginning of the call because I was just getting home from the gym, but called in anyway.

Wow.

I can tell you that they didn’t expect that a birth mother was going to call in and listen. Which is what I figured when I called in. This was a call about how to adopt and why adoption is good and how waiting to start your family because of fears (of any reason) isn’t the way to go. Now, those things, in an of themselves, are not bad. There are ethical ways to adopt. Ethical adoption can be good. And delaying the start of your family because of fears — of any reason — is sad. But this call was not about ethical adoption. At all. And if they had known that a (very vocal) birth mother was listening in, I surely hope that they would have changed their tone.

But they didn’t know I was there. So they were candid.

Mardie Caldwell was talking when I tuned in. And this is what I first heard.

“As a woman, I can’t understand her giving away her flesh and blood. I had lost so many.”

Long story short, Mardie was matched with a mother. In the hospital, she told the mother to really make sure this was what she wanted. On the way to the airport, Caldwell again stated that. Upon returning home, the birth mother and birth father married. The birth mother and birth father then asked for the baby back within her. It was within her decision period to revoke consent. Caldwell fought.

“God kept showing me scripture that said this baby was supposed to be with me.”

She went on about the fight. Caldwell was out of town twice when the birth parents flew in for the baby.

“I felt like Mary and Joseph on the donkey.”
(and later)
“He wants Christians families for these babies.”

Now, before anyone gets a bee in their bonnet, I do identify as a Christian. We raise our sons with a love of Jesus — and all people. Including those people who happen to get pregnant “out of wedlock.” We are big on compassion and understanding and — gasp — ethics. So when people use religion — of any sort — to talk about how babies don’t belong with their original families, I get kind of twitchy. “Christian” adoptive families are not entitled to other mothers’ babies. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about that one.

In the end, Caldwell “won” the child (who is now grown and has no contact with his original family — despit Caldwell’s “permission”).

“A lot of what we went through, we helped other people avoid these problems.”

What Caldwell (and Lifetime Adoption) didn’t expect when Caldwell made that statement is that is why this blog, right here, exists. I will always have the loss of my daughter with me. My unethical non-agency (ANLC) helped to create this blog by the lies they told me and by the way they treated me like a second class citizen. I continue to speak out about agencies like them and warn others that they can avoid being treated like dirt. Ethical agencies do exist (I’m working on a post, per some recent contacts from various people — love you all). You do not have to sell yourself — or your baby — short if adoption is your ultimate goal. You don’t have to tolerate being treated like you are “less than” an adoptive family.

“You know what it’s like and you know how it feels for adoptive parents.”

She’s referring to how she helps others. But you don’t know how it feels for a birth parent. You have no clue. The comments you made? You have absolutely no clue. The grief and loss are lifelong. There’s no magic day or moment when the feelings just dissipate. That — right there — is why I loathe so many adoption agencies. You have no idea what we’re feeling, what we go through. And then she said…

“I know the pain she went through.”

No. You don’t. At all. You don’t know. At all. The fact that you kept saying “my birthmom” is proof. She’s not your birth mom. She’s your son’s birth mother. She is not yours. Her pain is your gain.

I had to bail before the end of the call, when they started questions from listeners. I wanted to say, “How do you sleep at night.”

Here’s the truth, broken down in simple terms:

It is unethical to fight for and eventually keep a child whom the birth parents are contesting said adoption.

End of story.

Okay, I’ll grant adoptive parents one concession: It is unethical to keep said baby if the birth parents contest during their legal revocation period. I can’t morally say that I would approve of a birth parent trying to fight for a child twelve years down the road. But if a birth parent follows the laws within their state (as revocation periods differ in each state) and contest the adoption within their allotted time, there is no question. You should return the child. I don’t care if you think she “doesn’t have enough money” (as Caldwell’s own words stated) or if she’s “not Christian” or how many children you have lost (newsflash: I had a miscarriage post-relinquishment; you don’t “own” loss) or even if you suspect that they won’t care well for the child. Maybe the birth parents think you won’t care well for their child. Maybe you are the one to look at with suspect. But that doesn’t seem fair to say, now does it? So why is it okay for (potential) adoptive parents to say so?

Now, remember: Lifetime Adoption contacted me when I was pregnant with BigBrother to see if I was interested in their “services.” Prior to what we now refer to as “social media,” Lifetime Adoption contacted me when I put up a six week pregnant photo on my MySpace account. I was disgusted then. And having listened in tonight, I understand.

Mothers considering relinquishment mean nothing to Lifetime Adoption. Nothing. As long as good, “deserving,” “Christian” families get the babies, it doesn’t matter. Ask KatjaMichell.

Right before I bailed in the call, Caldwell said this:

“I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around.”

Good. Me too. I believe that treating birth parents as nothing but incubators will backfire in the long run. Eventually, ethical reform will happen and those agencies who have proven themselves to care nothing for ethics will be up the creek without a paddle. And that is one of those very rare instances in which I will say, “I told you so.”

I’m now off to do some deep breathing and yoga before bed. And to — gasp — say a prayer for my own peace, mainly so I can get some sleep tonight.

Originally posted on The Chronicles of Munchkin Land.

Lifetime Adoption Conference Call: Bet They Didn’t Expect Me to Be There! is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Kate (of the Ohio Birthparent Discussion Group) gets the award for Sharing Info That Makes Jenna’s Head Explode with special consideration for Weekend Ruining. I kid, I kid. My weekend wasn’t ruined (actually, it was lovely, thank you) and my head didn’t explode; steam merely came from my ears. All the same, Kate shared something with me (and Dawn and Marley) that kind of made me twitch. And steam.

She sent me a link to the Adoption Information Clearinghouse. This is no sweepstakes. Nor is it a place where you might find pertinent information about adoption, laws, procedures and so on. No, this is a place where they take the right to privacy for expectant birth parents and jump up and down on it. With soccer cleats. Let me quote the website:

The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys (AAAA) has created this nationwide national clearinghouse to register prospective placing parents. The Adoption Information Clearinghouse (AIC) will certify, based on the information contained in its database, that the prospective placing parent has not sought financial assistance from other participating sources and/or that the prospective placing parent has not committed to any other adoptive family for the same placement.

Okay. You know? I can really stand behind removing fraud from adoption. I can. I hate it. I hate that it’s usually people who have no connection with adoption that fake pregnancies or abuse the system in states that allow potential adoptive parents to pay for certain things during a pregnancy that is “intended” to place. I hate it. It’s an ethics violation and I’m all about ethics. So, yes, I get that wanting to lower the number of fraudulent acts is a worthy cause.

But… (You did know there was a but coming, didn’t you?)

The AIC’s goal?

The goal of the AIC is to allow all parties to a prospective adoptive placement to be more confident in the payment of expenses for a prospective placing parent and in moving forward with an adoptive placement with greater assurance that the prospective placing parent is genuine in her placement plans.

Yes, you read that right. Because I just copied and pasted it right here. In fact, here’s a screenshot in case you don’t believe me.

What that says is, in short:

We are tracking expectant parents considering relinquishment to make sure they pony up the goods (read: the baby) after we pay their expenses (read: you know, subtly coerce her into thinking there’s no other option). Basically, we want to make that these adoptive parents get their rightful baby, because, you know, once a mother even thinks about adoption, that means she should “give up” that baby without hesitation. She has no right to change her mind. Hooray! We are so kind to parents… at least the ones that deserve babies… and pay us the big bucks.

Okay, so maybe my version is a slight bit snarkier. (Stuff like this tends to make me snarktastic.) But that’s what they’re saying.

They get a little bit more specific in their thought process in their information for potential adoptive parents.

For adoptive parents, the benefit of working with prospective placing parents who have CN’s are significant. Placing parents who participate and have been willing to submit the required information to AIC demonstrate their assurance that they are not working with other potential adoptive parents and have not taken payments from others. This should allow all involved to enter into a more positive and trusting relationship. While no system is foolproof, adoptive parents should be more comfortable going forward knowing the prospective placing parent has voluntarily complied with the AIC process and has received a CN. This will demonstrate with greater assurance that the prospective placing parent is genuine in her placement plans and should allow adoptive parents to be more comfortable and relaxed with the adoption plan.

“This will demonstrate with greater assurance that the prospective placing parent is genuine in her placement plans.” Except that she still has every right, with an AIC CN or not, to make the decision to parent. Matching with an adoptive family means nothing. Matching with an adoptive parent just means that, after birth, if the mother decides that she is willing to place her baby, she will most likely go with that family. Who knows. She may meet someone two days before birth through a chance encounter who is a better match. And there’s nothing wrong nor illegal about that decision. And once she holds her baby, she may realize that her previous fears about not being able to parent or worries about finances were not good enough reasons to relinquish. She may take that baby home with her. And it’s well within her rights to do so, matched or not. She has rights.

The good news is that expectant parents considering relinquishment have to agree to be assigned this number.

The process begins when, after obtaining written permission from the prospective placing parent, identifying information is submitted to the AIC to determine whether there is information in the system about the parent.

The bad news is that I’m sure they’re not being told by attorneys or agencies that they have every right to say no. And if they do say no, my guess is that they are being red flagged for potential fraud or, worse, “not being committed to their adoption plan.” As most expectant parents considering relinquishment aren’t given their own legal counsel, it is so easy to walk all over them with regard to their privacy and their rights. This is another example of why ethical reform is necessary. Quite honestly, if you remove all for profit money (for the agency, for anything non medical related for the expectant parent), this issue fixes itself. (For the latter non-medical related stuff, the first stop should be to help a woman get on state assistance. Obviously.) When no one “benefits” financially from this transaction, there’s no need for fraud.

This is really a case of “guilty until proven unworthy to parent anyway.” All mothers (and fathers) considering relinquishment are viewed as potential drug addicts and/or alcoholics who might harm the unborn child who are also interested in pulling a fast one on potential adoptive parents by running away with their money and baby. That’s what this says. Plain and simple. That’s why we drug test mothers. That’s why we don’t tell them the whole truth about open adoptions — both what is available to them regarding fully open adoptions and the laws in their state that may or may not allow those open agreements to be legally enforceable. That’s why we ignore fathers’ rights even more than we stomp on mothers’ rights. That’s why we are so quick to assume the worst about expectant parents considering relinquishment. They are less than. They are the bad ones. That’s why they can’t parent anyway.

I wish I saw a change coming in the future to this train of thought and resulting train of action and reaction. But I don’t. And it breaks my heart that some unsuspecting, expectant mother is going to sign a form that allows her every move to be tracked by people who don’t trust her enough … but will do anything to get her baby. I hope that some of these mothers are more fortunate than I was during their pregnancies and are able to utilize the Internet to Google “Clearinghouse Number.” I hope they land here and realize that anyone — whether an attorney or an agency or a potential adoptive parent — that asks them to do this is not interested in their best interests or the best interests of their child. They are looking out for their own behinds. If they say that they will refuse to work with you if you do not sign, take that as your sign to head in the other direction.

Quickly.

Guilty Until Proven Unworthy To Parent Anyway is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

The newest Open Adoption Roundtable made me laugh.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

Our “agency” did nothing to support openness. Nothing.

The openness that they lead me to believe was my only option involved updates for the first year, sporadic updates through a certain age (I recall five, but it may have been seven) and then nothing. It wasn’t until my daughter’s adoptive father talked about potentially visiting after the adoption that I even came to realize that open adoptions could be fully open. It was a far-fetched idea for me at the time, and I told him I would consider it, not wanting to close the door immediately but unsure of if I could handle it. (Obviously, I came to my senses!)

What was the least supportive thing? Where do I begin?

• Lying by omission by not informing me that open adoptions were not legally binding in our state.
• Not providing me with pre-placement counseling that would have helped with future openness issues.
• Not telling either adult party about the ins and outs of open adoption.
• Not providing me with post-placement counseling when I asked for it.

The list goes on. Of course, looking at the atrocities that they are still heaving upon the adoption industry, it’s not surprising to read that list, now is it?

If it wasn’t for my therapist, that I paid for myself as my “agency” refused to help me locate or pay for one, I wouldn’t have made heads or tails of open adoption. To be fair, I was her first “fully” open adoption birth mother as well. She read books, dug into our story and worked hard to come up to speed so that she could help me figure it all out. I am grateful that at least one professional, though not specifically attached to the industry, came through for me.

Open Adoption Roundtable #18: “Professionals” is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

As I start planning, writing and managing tone, I’m thrown into a state of remembrance. I am remembering phone calls between myself and the agency through which I placed.

I wish I had known to record those phone calls. I wish I had known half of what they weren’t telling me.

I think I want to interview agencies that do a good job on educating expectant parents considering relinquishment about the realities of grief and loss. I do not know how to go about finding one of those. More over, it would be especially awesome if said agency also educated potential adoptive parents as to how birth parent grief and loss is to be expected and is absolutely no reason to close an adoption.

Am I creating fictitious agencies in my mind?

All of the thought over the past few days has left me wondering how people, not companies/agencies but the real people sitting at the desk or on the other end of a phone, can mislead other human beings and not feel weighed down with guilt for the rest of their lives. Or are some of them equally mislead? Who does the initial blame belong with? How far back in history do we have to go? I start thinking of all of these questions and I get overwhelmed with sadness for an industry that desperately needs reform but, sadly, those working in it aren’t even fully aware of what changes need to be made.

Yet I refuse to believe we’re fighting a losing battle. And that’s what makes me… me.

Thoughts on Reform is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

It’s been awhile since I called out any particular agency on this blog; not since I was all but solicited when I was pregnant with my youngest son. I’ve been kind of out of the loop as to what is going on agency wise as I had been focusing, pretty much solely, on my own healing and the immediate needs of our family. As such, what I came across today likely wouldn’t have been as shocking to me two years ago when I was deep in the mire of dealing with atrocities like it on a daily basis. But with the time off, I all but lost my lunch as I stepped through the disgusting muck of unethical, disrespectful deceptive lies and lies of omission being fed by a new site.

I first happened upon AdoptionFirst on twitter. You know, since I all but live there anymore. Their last public tweet at the time advertised to potential adoptive parents that there were three babies available and to visit their blog. I figured it would be something like the icky child listing mentioned on other blogs a few months ago but I clicked anyway. It is similar and worse all in the same stroke of the keyboard. Instead of advertising the newborn babies, we’re advertising their “birth mothers” by things like weight, height, nationality, eye color and hair color. You know, in case we’re really trying to shoot for that blonde haired, blue eyed baby… which is what they flash past the eyes of everyone on their even ickier website.

I really shouldn’t have clicked onto their website. I had red flags going off in my own head. I knew better. But I did it anyway. I almost cried. It goes against everything I have hoped for, prayed for and fought for since joining the battle for adoption reform. It starts with this:

Get Red Carpet Treatment with Adoptions First

What’s that, you ask? Well, it’s this:

* Round trip airfare from anywhere in the US to Los Angeles, California
* Airport pickup and transfer to your NEW HOME
* Tour of Greater Los Angeles: Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Malibu Beaches
* Housing, Medical, Legal, Shopping and other expenses

And more! That’s all part of their “Birth Mother Package.” No, really, that’s what they call it. And so I shouldn’t have been surprised to see how they describe open adoption on their website.

It is your choice to decide how open of an adoption you are comfortable with. You can choose the family and may also request yearly pictures, and you may also ask us for guidance during the selection process.

While some mothers may choose this path, the point is that this “law center” is not actively telling expectant mothers considering placement that they have the right to request a fully open adoption with visits. Neither our agency. We didn’t know that open adoptions like ours (and Dawn’s) were allowed to exist. We were told letters and pictures. Only. And that’s a semi-open adoption at best. Neglecting to tell mothers their full realm of choices is lying to them by omission. How are these mothers supposed to make a fully informed decision if they don’t have all of the information? Furthermore, with no mention of the fact that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states on their website, I have no reason to believe that they’d be telling a mother that once they had her locked inside their doors.

It gets scarier, of course.

After you give birth, it is our responsibility to make sure that the adoption process is complete and the baby is successfully placed with the loving family of your choice.

Read that again. There’s no mention that the mother has every right in the world to take that child home with her. They simply say, in different words, “We’ll do everything in our power to make sure that the child you give birth to is successfully placed for adoption.” They might as well say, “So we get paid” at the end of the sentence. There’s no concern about the length of time that a mother has before she is even legally allowed to sign the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) or even a mention of how that time is a minimum amount and that she can take as long as she needs to make the decision she feels is best for both herself and her child. There’s no mention of anything regarding the time she has to revoke her decision. They’re fully focused on placing that child come hell or high water.

Sadly, they really push the “adoption is wonderful” card at the end.

In the end, you get to be able to go on with your life, on your terms, feeling at peace with the choices you made, playing a vital part in the miracle of adoption.

Because being a means to an end in the beautiful miracle of adoption will automatically erase any issues of grief and loss. You won’t miss your child if you have that knowledge, right? You won’t be upset if this agency stomped all over your rights. You won’t feel cheated or wronged when you find out that you have a right to your own legal representation. You won’t feel lied to when you find out that you could have had an adoption that involved visits. You won’t feel deceived when the adoptive family closes the adoption without warning or reason. You will just feel happy because you got to be involved!

I get so discouraged when I find agencies and sites like these. I keep thinking that we, as an adoption world, have made progress. Have we? Have we really taken any steps forward? I mean, logically, I know that we have. I know that there are agencies out there who are actively interested in ethical adoption. I know that there are families out there who are honestly seeking to do the right thing by their child, by themselves and by their child’s adoptive families. I know that there are adoptees out there that are gaining access to their birth certificates and helping others fight the same fight by bringing aboard birth parents and adoptive parents alike. I know that things are happening. I know that we’re making slow progress but progress all the same. But when a site like this shows up on my radar, I take it as a personal assault.

What can I be doing more of to make a bigger difference? What am I “not” doing that could make the difference if I was doing it? Who do I need to talk to? Where do I need to go? And when, oh when, will the changes really start to be evident across the board. When will the whole of society be able to look at a site like that and say, “What the heck?”

When will we see mothers being respected? When will we see adoptive families being counseled about how to handle the difficulties of open adoption without being told, “Well, just close it”? When will be able to see the children honored by honoring both sets of their parents, adoptive and birth, by making sure they are all treated with the most respect possible?

When will I get to stop writing these posts?

You Can Dress It Up But It Is Still Sleazy is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I haven’t written about unethical agency practices and how they make my blood boil for quite some time. The process of focusing on myself and my own healing necessitated a step back from the constant aggravation that the adoption industry provides when it comes to “birthmother” “marketing” and other awful ways to refer to getting an expectant mother to place her child for adoption.

Don’t misread that statement. Placing a child for adoption is not the awful part. (Though the emotional reprecussions of such an action could be defined as such which is why better pre- and post-placement counseling are needed for those who do eventually decide to relinquish.) The way that agencies continue to act in subtly coercive ways and get away with it is what I’m classifying as awful.

Heather has two posts that really show what’s going on. It seems like I’m not the only one who is being sought out on places like MySpace and, sadly, the agency that did so is not the only one doing it. Apparently this is now an accepted form of marketing for agencies. Which, of course, it raises my hackles anytime these agencies use the word “marketing” when referring to real live human beings.

My favorite line from the agency’s response:

Our advertising is completely focused on increasing the number of pregnant women who call us.

I wonder, then, if this agency would be like that other one that contacted me on MySpace when I was pregnant with my youngest son. If you’re solely committed to the bottom line, then why would you care if you offend some over-emotional pregnant woman? Why would you care if you’re subtly coercing mothers into placing their children? Why would you care if someone accused  you of unethical practices?

I don’t know when we’re going to see a change in how agencies deal with or are allowed to deal with expectant mothers and fathers. I don’t know how to make these agencies stand up and recognize that they’re doing so much more harm than good in so many cases. I don’t know how to make those who say, “But if one child who really needs a home falls through the cracks due to the changes you are suggesting, it’s all a loss,” realize that there are ethical ways to make sure children have the homes and the love that they need and deserve. Why do we have to go about assuring children such things in such an unethical manner? Why aren’t more people concerned with ethics? Why are we such a selfish nation? A selfish world?

Normally, after writing a post like this, my blood pressure would be up and my vision would shake. It’s amazing what a year of healing will do for you. That said, I’m still greatly displeased with the state of things. In my January-mind’s-eye (the one with the clean slate, you see), I have all of this hope that 2009 will bring great changes on this front. But then the realist part of my head steps in and I know that not enough ground work has been laid for anything of that nature to take place just yet.

Perhaps we need to start laying the ground work now.

A Word on Marketing is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Remember that agency that solicited me via MySpace when I was pregnant with my youngest son? They’ve got a slew of sites. And this recent post on (one of their?) blog(s) is quite alarming. I’d leave a comment but, surprise surprise, they have turned off commenting ability. So, I’ll just say, ew.

Ew. is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’m not sure how to proceed with something that has been going on in my adoption life.

I was recently censored by my agency. I’m not going to give more details as I don’t want to involve other parties. But it comes down to the fact that they didn’t like what I wrote and hit me where they knew it would hurt. They chose unique timing as well.

You see, I had recently started working on the anger I still have for them with my therapist. Prior to the past few months, working on that anger wasn’t even a possibility. I wanted that anger. I didn’t want to let go. Letting go of it, in my mind, was excusing their blatant disregard for ethics. But, man, anger can eat away at your soul. I didn’t like who it was making me as a person. And so, I had started working on the process of letting go of the anger.

And then they step all over me again.

So, of course, I got angry again. I was shaking my fist. I was using big, nasty words. I was going to show them what to do with their big, unethical corporation. I figured it was a sign that letting go of my anger was the wrong thing to do.

And then I thought…

Well, maybe this is a test to see if I’m really willing to let go and let God. Ugh. I hate when God tests me. I’d really rather not be tested. And so, I’ve been mulling over my anger the past week. I’ve been trying to decide whether to let it go and let myself continue working towards healing or if I’m not ready to give up that part of my life yet. (Don’t tell me that I’m a bad Christian for having areas of my life that I still want to “control.” Point me out one person who doesn’t have issues like that and they can cast the first stone.)

I’m still at a standstill. I’m really hurt by everything that has happened. All of these years, I have only wanted one thing: an apology. They refused to offer an apology even after I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I’m not trying to have my daughter returned. I’m not asking for money. I just want someone to say, “I’m sorry. We didn’t act in an appropriate manner. We did wrong by you. We apologize for the grief and loss that our negligence caused you**.” That’s all I’ve wanted. And I’ll never get it.

And I can’t decide if that makes me angry. Or just sad.

** = Their negligence caused additional grief and loss. My own part in the relinquishment of my daughter caused grief and loss as well. I accept my part in the process. I just wish they would admit their part.

Is This Proof of One Thing or a Test of Another? is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

There’s an interesting discussion going on over at Dawn’s blog about personal responsibility. Some decent back-and-forths that got my brain working as I folded diapers and tried to pick a favorite male on American Idol. Points from all sides and my own reality really prompted me to get up off my butt and get this written and quickly so I can watch another guilty pleasure show with my Husband. (We’re totally emo for One Tree Hill.)

These are some points not being discussed by any one side in the discussion right now:

1. The internet was a different place in the year that I placed. Blogs like this here did not exist en masse in 2003. That was part of my speech at the University of Pittsburgh last October. The big birth mother blog explosion didn’t really hit until 2005-or-so with some mothers being a bit earlier than that. But remember, the world didn’t really think that blogs were anything of importance until the past few years. Even if there was a large underground birth mother blogging network in mid-2003, I would have thought, “Eh, that’s just a bunch of personal experience and doesn’t speak as to what the “average” experience would be.”

2. Beyond blogs not really exisiting as they do now, the forum presence was much different at that time as well. When I was expecting, during the two months that I had reliable internet connection while making my adoption plan, I joined a certain well known forum. When I expressed a general distaste for the Friends sitcom storyline with the birth mother, I was all but flamed to a crisp. Birth mothers (or, as I was, an expectant mother at the time) were not welcome to share dissenting opinions at that time. I believe it’s only since first mothers really started laying it on the blogging line that they’ve started to garner some respect. Perhaps the shift has gone from one extreme to the other in some cases (I could see that argument, though not everywhere for certain), but that doesn’t change the reality of the time in which I placed. I was not welcome to ask questions or have opinions that weren’t “yay adoption.”

3. I was bed-ridden and home bound from eighteen weeks on. Libraries were not an option. My internet connection was not a priority (like, you know, food). I checked as much info as I could when I had the ability. I trusted my agency, 100%, to be 100% honest with me. They were my “legal representation.” I had no reason to believe that my rights would not be protected or respected. Yes, I admit and take responsibility for my naievity at that time in my life. I was naive! I was trusting! I believed whatever I was told. (If anything, the process broke me of that sheltered part of my life and now, sadly, I trust no one! Bummer.) Again, if information would have been as readily available as it is today (such as a big blogging presence) and internet connections were what they are today (man, I was on dial-up when I had internet!), well, I could agree more with the fact that I should have done more. I did what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I asked questions of my “counselor” when I had questions. You can imagine the bias.

4. My writing is as much for me as it is for future and would-be birth mothers. As I’ve said in my points above, the information that could have changed what happened in my/our situation was not readily available. It’s becoming more available which is why so many groups are in an uproar about what these “angry” and “bitter” and “regretful” mothers have to say. I write for me. I write for the girl who is living my situation in this day in age. Maybe she’s stuck at home with a complicated pregnancy with no emotional or familial support. Maybe she has an unethical agency feeding her biased information. Maybe she googled something and landed here. Maybe that one thing makes the difference. And that’s what Dawn hits on perfectly when she says this:

I’d say “move forward” means different things for different people and that fighting the good fight via blogging is an activist way of moving forward.

Amen. This is my way of making a difference. (That and the speaking engagements I seem to keep finding. Eep!) Okay, and possibly working with my local hospital (not the one in which I birthed the Munchkin but both boys) on educating them about proper adoption etiquette. (No, really. This is a new and huge possibility brought to me by my lactation consultant. I’ve yet to discuss it with my therapist. Tomorrow! So excited! Very hopeful! Wee!)

I wish that the internet would have been then what it is today. But it wasn’t. And I live with it. I make my own little dent in the adoption world by continuing to speak about my reality, my experiences. Not everyone likes what I have to say and I get that. I don’t like everything everyone else has to say either. But, minus my meltdown last night, I’m refusing to be silenced by any of that. I’m not the naive girl who ran away from a forum because people called her mean names and told her that she was wrong. I know where my responsibility lies in my adoption story. I am forever thankful that my daughter has GOOD parents. (Great! Wonderful! Awesome!) I am thankful that I didn’t let an unethical agency continue to keep me down and that I stepped out and found my own therapist. I am thankful that I have continued to learn.

I accept the responsibility for my pregnancy, for not being strong enough to say, “No, I’m keeping her,” when I was faced with negativity from my family regarding my financial state and for not believing in myself enough to realize my potential as a parent. But I will not take the blame for believing what I was told was the truth and the whole story. I am not a mind reader. In fact, when I try to guess at people’s intention, I usually end up making a bigger mess! I am human. Things I did and decided contributed to the placement. Things other people did and decided also contributed to the placement.

No human lives in a vacuum. Personal responsibility is one thing. But when agencies aren’t being held accountable, I’m wondering where their responsibility lies? Why don’t they have to be responsible for the truth? Why do I have to take responsibility for things that were beyond my scope? Why do I have to take responsibility when I was lied to? Where is that line exactly? I know it’s a gray line. But when you trust someone and something to be honest with you and they lie… where is that line of fault? If my Husband cheats on me and tells me that he is faithful and I believe him… is it my fault when he leaves me for the other woman?

This got wordy! I must go relax with my Husband who was gone for thirty-six and a half hours and leaves again in less than ten. I totally don’t have time to proofread so ignore typos, grammatical errors and anything that may seem confusing. Ah! Now the baby is crying! And the diapers aren’t all the way folded. Oh, internetz.

My Reality is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.