I’m not sure how to proceed with something that has been going on in my adoption life.

I was recently censored by my agency. I’m not going to give more details as I don’t want to involve other parties. But it comes down to the fact that they didn’t like what I wrote and hit me where they knew it would hurt. They chose unique timing as well.

You see, I had recently started working on the anger I still have for them with my therapist. Prior to the past few months, working on that anger wasn’t even a possibility. I wanted that anger. I didn’t want to let go. Letting go of it, in my mind, was excusing their blatant disregard for ethics. But, man, anger can eat away at your soul. I didn’t like who it was making me as a person. And so, I had started working on the process of letting go of the anger.

And then they step all over me again.

So, of course, I got angry again. I was shaking my fist. I was using big, nasty words. I was going to show them what to do with their big, unethical corporation. I figured it was a sign that letting go of my anger was the wrong thing to do.

And then I thought…

Well, maybe this is a test to see if I’m really willing to let go and let God. Ugh. I hate when God tests me. I’d really rather not be tested. And so, I’ve been mulling over my anger the past week. I’ve been trying to decide whether to let it go and let myself continue working towards healing or if I’m not ready to give up that part of my life yet. (Don’t tell me that I’m a bad Christian for having areas of my life that I still want to “control.” Point me out one person who doesn’t have issues like that and they can cast the first stone.)

I’m still at a standstill. I’m really hurt by everything that has happened. All of these years, I have only wanted one thing: an apology. They refused to offer an apology even after I filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I’m not trying to have my daughter returned. I’m not asking for money. I just want someone to say, “I’m sorry. We didn’t act in an appropriate manner. We did wrong by you. We apologize for the grief and loss that our negligence caused you**.” That’s all I’ve wanted. And I’ll never get it.

And I can’t decide if that makes me angry. Or just sad.

** = Their negligence caused additional grief and loss. My own part in the relinquishment of my daughter caused grief and loss as well. I accept my part in the process. I just wish they would admit their part.

ANLC is in the news. If I was to say that my feathers weren’t ruffled, it would be a lie. If I was to say that I didn’t think that the entire “article” wasn’t a whole public relations attempt to get people to think that they’re “good guys” in the face of adversity, well, that would be a bold faced lie. At the same time, I am sensitive to issues surrounding infertility (the article comes from one of the advisers at ANLC being awarded something from RESOLVE) so I don’t want to step on toes.

But man, the quotes coming out of this article are priceless. They speak volumes as to what ANLC is really concerned about in the long run. I mean, tell me where expectant parents considering adoption, birth parents who have already relinquished or children are mentioned in the following quote:

As a team, our greatest satisfaction comes from helping build loving families. To all of us here, nothing is more rewarding than helping to create a family through adoption and having an employee recognized for her extraordinary work is actually a compliment to us all.

Yep. As a team, they don’t give a rip about the mothers who are unnecessarily losing their children to form those families. They also don’t seem to give a rip about the adoptive families that they treat like crap during the process (like J and D). They also don’t care about the lifelong issues that adoption creates, however major or minor. Offering no post-adoption counseling for these newly formed families, they’re just left to their own devices to flub their way through the creation of a lasting relationship. Also, again, note the lack of anything being said about the children. At all. Sigh.

The article goes on. And it makes me giggle. In a really sad, depressed kind of way.

Adoption Network Law Center is a professional law corporation providing quality domestic newborn adoption services to Adoptive Parents. ANLC’s adoption services are nurturing and loving, and help guide and support Adoptive Parents and Birth Parents through the adoption process with integrity & complete support.

Note that, first, the services are provided to ADOPTIVE PARENTS. Not expectant parents. In fact, no where are expectant parents mentioned in the entire blurb. Birth parents, at the very last part of the article in the last half of the last sentence are mentioned. And then lied about since it says “complete support” and that would infer that birth parents who live in states where open adoptions are not legally binding would be told that very important little tidbit of legal information. But, then again, why would a birth parent, someone who has already signed the TPR, need to know information like that? Oh, that’s right, they’ve once again misappropriated the word to subtly coerce mothers into breaking that in utero connection they have with their child! They’re so smart.

I love when things like this end up in my inbox! Love.