I wish I had kept a better account of my postpartum period after the Munchkin was born and subsequently placed. To be honest, my memories are quite sparse from that specific period. It was a complex time in my life. I was dealing with the grief and loss associated with the relinquishment of my daughter. I was going through that hormonal fluctuation which included some really sweaty nights, leaking breasts and pain in all just about every part of my body. (They don’t tell you that before you have your first baby; you use your whole body to give birth and so, of course, all of your muscles hurt.) Add into those things a horrid communication problem with my Mother, an apartment lease that was up and a necessary move to Ohio… and it was just a very complicated time in my life.

But oh, oh, did I try to be brave. I only cried in the privacy of my room or with TheHusbandMan. I attempted to do things like have a normal Christmas with family members. I put on a smile during these social outings, smiling politely when people commented on how quickly my body had bounced back. They didn’t see the stretch marks hidden underneath winter clothes; permanent reminders to everything that I had lost.

I do, however, remember hitting my own breaking point. I don’t remember the actual trigger. I don’t remember the actual length of time. (However, I would assume it was within three months of her birth because it was before I was working.) I hit a wall. I couldn’t function anymore. I hadn’t been leaving our apartment. I hadn’t been showering. Or eating. And it all just came to a head. I ended up doing something that I’m not proud of and feel rather sheepish in admitting. But hey, I’ve written a lot of personal stuff here and those who are going to judge me are going to judge me no matter what I write. So, what the heck. I ended up resorting to an old (poor) coping technique and cutting my arms. Thankfully, TheHusbandMan was a nosy one, even then, and intervened. While I did not seek professional help, TheHusbandMan and I began taking long walks during which we talked about the issues that were bothering me.

Looking back, I feel some anger mixed with my confusion. What, exactly, fell under the heading of normal postpartum emotional fluctuation? What fell under the heading of normal adoption grief and loss? And what fell under the heading of “too far” or “too much?” What should have been a red flag? Should my denial of emotion, shown by the brave face I was putting on for family and friends, been a sign of things to come? Or do all birth mothers go through some sort of denial phase? I can’t answer any of these questions. Why? That’s where the anger comes in. I can’t answer any of these questions about what was normal and what was too much and when it crossed the line… because I wasn’t counseled in anything involving postpartum mood disorders, normal postpartum fluctuations or anything about adoption grief and loss. Okay, I lied. I was told, “You’ll be sad for awhile but then you’ll “move on.”" What good did that do me? Shouldn’t I have been given information? By someone? The agency? My doctors?

Shouldn’t someone have said, “These are the warning signs for something more than normal. Please call if you are experiencing anything.” Instead, my agency dropped off the planet as soon as I signed the Termination of Parental Rights. Having called on a weekly basis and twice while I was in the hospital, I was shocked by their sudden lack of interest. The only thing my doctor at the hospital discussed with me was birth control. (You know, because all mothers who relinquish are whores!) I was left to figure it all out of myself. I didn’t do a good job.

And so, I share this story, however, embarrassing it is to out myself, so that other birth mothers might know some things, might know more than I did when I went into the whole experience, blind and naive. Today, on the BlogHer Blog Act for Mothers Act Blog Day, I share this story so that mothers who are considering relinquishment might have a resource. I didn’t have any clue what to expect. I didn’t know anyone who had placed. I didn’t have the internet at that time. I had an agency who didn’t care a lick about me once the child was placed. I had a doctor that didn’t know what to do with me and just wanted me gone.

The truth is, if I had been honest with myself, I would have seen myself heading down a road that wasn’t normal, no matter what experiences or hormonal imbalances I had just gone through. Instead, I didn’t want people to know I was suffering inside. The agency had told me that I would just “move on.” I wasn’t moving on so I thought something was wrong with me. Instead, the agency did me a huge disservice by minimizing the pain that birth mothers experience as a result of placement. Because I was experiencing something different than what they had said I would, I felt like a failure. And I don’t like to feel like a failure. Ever.

I want all expectant mothers and new birth mothers who are reading this to know that if something doesn’t feel right, you need to call someone. If your agency has dropped off the face of the Earth and your doctor doesn’t know how to handle you, please reach out to other birth mothers, even via the internet. Someone can help you find resources and talk you through your emotions while you wait for an appointment with a qualified therapist. You do not have to do this alone. Mothers who have been there and done this would be more than willing to help you. I promise.

For birth mothers who are considering building their families (by parenting another child), I encourage you to read my post over on the birth/first parent blog on the subject today. BigBrother’s birth threw me for an even bigger loop.

Also, I encourage other first mothers to share their stories today as it is the BlogHers Act Blog Day for Mothers Act. Be sure to tag everything with Mothers Act so you can be found by all types of mothers!

My Experience with Denial, Postpartum Depression and Relinquishment is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

(I have some great stuff coming from The Secret Life of Bees. But people keep ticking me off.)

I’m frustrated. I’m beyond frustrated. Background story: forums are discussing a biological mother who kidnapped her child. Somehow turned into a discussion about revocation periods. I tried to avoid it. It was my kryptonite. I clicked. And the first thing I read was this:

Personally, after reading some of the posts on this thread, I feel that this story shows that major reform needs to take place as far as when the bmother has a right to change her mind. I feel sad for the bmother that she regreted her decision and wasn’t able to reverse it, considering she changed her mind only one day after placement.

You’ve. got. to. be. kidding. me. RIGHT?! You really believe that shortening revocation periods is the answer to this “problem” of mothers not realizing how much they really love and want to parent their children until “too late?” That’s what the world thinks? That’s NOT the answer, folks. Oh, it’s so far from the answer. It’s far too LATE in the process to be the answer. We need to start back at the beginning.

I responded with:

Or, ya know, we could have major reform that properly educates expectant parents as to the true extent of grief and loss PRIOR to the signing of the TPR as WELL as helping her find adequate parenting resources before a match is made so that things like this, ya know, don’t happen at all. Instead of removing more of their rights, which only leaves them feeling more helpless and possibly more desperate, perhaps we could protect the rights that they SHOULD have but are often NOT given because of high unethical adoption agencies, attorneys and practices.

Revocation periods are necessary whether certain people want to accept that or not. Parents are making a life long decision to let go of their child. It’s only after that name is signed that some mothers and fathers realize their error, that they 100% can’t let go.

(I did add that I don’t believe in kidnapping. I just don’t.)

And that’s the rub, folks. People want to believe that the problem is “lengthy” revocation periods where these mothers can “change their minds.” That’s not the problem. The problem is that we’re not educating expectant mothers OR FATHERS) considering placement that there’s a lot more to placement than just signing your name on a piece of paper. Agencies are doing NILL at educating these families about the life-long grief and loss that accompanies that signature. There’s no talk about how it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, give you intimacy issues or basically traumatize you for life. There’s no discussion about how it will make you feel when you go to have other children, start a marriage or continue to live your life. There’s no talk about the hole in your heart, your life.

We tell women that they will get over it. That it will hurt for awhile but it will get better once you get through those five stages of grief. They don’t tell mothers or fathers that those stages of grief can be revisited with every new chapter of your life, leaving you experiencing everything all over again and over again and over again.

Beyond that, we’re not telling these expectant parents that they HAVE resources to parent. (Okay, some (and I mean, very few) have gone above the call of duty to point families in the direction of these resources and I commend their actions.) But most? Aren’t. Instead, we tell them that two parents are a requirement for a perfectly well-rounded child. (Newsflash: I had two involved parents and I am not well-rounded. HA!) We tell them that money (which equates to “stuff”) is important in parenting. We don’t educate them that they can actually feed their child for FREE for the first year of the kid’s life (hi, breastfeeding!). We’re not telling them any of this information. And they’re left feeling hopeless.

Even with that hopeless feeling, no one is telling these mothers about the Mama Bear instinct that kicks in almost immediately. I believe that’s why the number of mothers that do revoke their decision do it: Mama Bear instinct. When you’ve held a child that you’ve brought into this world, you’d do almost anything to protect it. Sometimes, for some women, that DOES mean placing. However, for others, it means keeping that child no matter the cost. Some of those mothers, unfortunately, feel obligated to sign the paper anyway because of the subtle coercions of pre-birth matches, whether that comes from an unethical family or an unethical agency (the latter of whom I blame the most).

Starting reform AFTER the Termination of Parental Rights is like trying to solve marriage problems by starting couples therapy AFTER a divorce. If you want to bring down the number of changed minds after the TPR is signed, you need to offer these women real and true accounts as to what placement entails. Yes, the happy stories are also needed because mothers who DO choose adoption need to know that, with work, they CAN succeed in open adoption and life. (You can. I still believe that you can.) However, we need to be fully educating these families as to what grief and loss can be like. We need to tell them about their resources. And we need to tell them about that Mama Bear instinct.

Until we’re being totally honest with expectant families considering placement, revocations are going to keep occuring at numbers that people find unacceptable. Shortening that time frame will do nothing to solve the problem.

I’m so discouraged. I need to go shopping. Retail therapy.

Less Rights are ALWAYS the Answer is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I recently received a PM from a newer forum member. Unprompted. I didn’t PM her. We didn’t exchange any form of words in a thread. I hadn’t seen her name until this evening. In it was this paragraph:

I predicted another mom was gonna have two kids…and um…she is going to. So for you, you may think I’m a complete wack…and well…ok…I might be…tee hee. I think I’m a wakko too…so you’re not alone. I think you are gonna give birth to another child. You are gonna raise a little girl. FOR SURE. She might be yours and your J’s but she also might be adopted. ( I know you are cringing) but from a situation like mine….foster care or another country. I really believe you will be pregnant and give birth to a beautiful daughter, but you may also be called to adopt. From another country or foster care. I might be wrong…and sorry. Read my blog and you will know I’m super cool and majorly harmless. But I really feel your pain. Like a big sis….I feel it. And I want you to know you have to believe there are little ones coming to you.

There are some things you don’t need to hear at certain junctures in your life. And there are certain things you do need to hear at certain junctures in your life. But when they’re both contained in the same small message, all you can hear is the one that you didn’t want to hear.

As I face these newer, less-fun reproductive issues, my mind is on over-drive. My pelvic was ultrasound today. (Side Note: My kidney filtration rate is WAY down. Over 100 ounces of water and my bladder still wasn’t filling properly. Great. Another issue.) As I figured, the ultrasound tech wasn’t able to tell me anything about the pictures that she took. I didn’t see any aliens on the screen so I take that as a good sign. I don’t know much about ultrasounds of ovaries and the only things I know about ultrasounds of a uterus usually contain a baby. (Though, I’m great with renal ultrasounds.) There was no gasping or audible cussing. My doctor didn’t call me this evening to tell me to get my rear end to the emergency room. So, I’m now “looking forward” to my surgery. By “looking forward,” I mean emotionally dreading.

I know people mean well. It’s like telling a family waiting to adopt a child, “Oh, you’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt!” It’s not what you need to hear. Nor what you want to hear. Right now, I don’t want to hear the word “daughter” in aspect to my parenting life. I don’t want to hear that I’ll adopt. I don’t want to hear the word pregnancy unless my doctor is telling me that I am, in fact, pregnant. I want this precise stage in my life to be over. Yesterday. I also want a new kidney. But it’s not happening.

So, my advice: just be thoughtful in what unsolicited advice you offer to people that you don’t know from Eve. I am not in a place where I want to think about the fact that, in reality, I may never parent a daughter. I am not in the place where I want to think about not having another pregnancy. I am not in the place where I want to think about adopting any child; domestic, foster or internationally. I want to get over this second cold. I want the surgery to be over. I want the leaves to turn orange and red. I want to celebrate my Son’s birthday. And I want two lines on a pregnancy test. In that order.

Until then, I will indulge in some self-torture and listen to “Daughters” by John Mayer. On freaking repeat.

Unsolicited Pregnancy/Child Advice is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I was on vacation. It was good. Now I’m back and ready to tackle some new stuff.

//

This website alarms me: Adoption Alternatives.

I clicked it thinking that I would find some good information on assistance available to families, links to programs and tips on how to parent a child on a fixed income. I don’t know why I thought that; how silly of me! Nope; full fledged adoption shmutz shoved down the throad of unassuming expectant Mothers. Of course, the site doesn’t call them expectant Mothers. Oh, no. We can’t show respect like that because it may lead a woman to think, “Hey! I AM a Mom!” That’s Bad News Bears for agencies, you know. Nope, this site is prematurely labeling these expectant Mothers as birthmothers.

How can you be a birthmother if you were researching “adoption alternatives?” Oh, coercion, you tricky thing you!

But it gets better. Please have all barf bags ready. This one is a doozy:

1. How long do adoptions take?
Depending on state laws, adoptions vary in time. Basically once contact is made to the party you wish to work through, things will start to be set up for you. Your part for the most part is over after the baby is born, so that you can go on to resume the life that you have, and continue is your life plans.

Say what now? You said “your part for the most part is over after the baby is born?” SAY WHAT? Yep. You just get up out of that hospital bed, mozy out the front door of the hospial and never again think of the child that you just brought forth into this world. Even though the site touts open adoption, they actually have the hutzpah to post such a same statement. On the same site. Ironic, hypocritical, coercive or all of the above? Hmm.

Here’s another head scratching comment:

Then it is time to sit back, and wait for the birth, and to realize that there are many people out there who want to help you through this trying period of your life.

Uhm, yep. That’s what I did. I picked a family and then sat back and didn’t even think about the life growing inside of me, how I would handle the loss of our bond and ya know, all those other unimportant things to consider prior to the birth and placement of a child.

Now, here’s one of the kickers. The site’s “homepage” states the following:

This website is for birthmothers looking to place a child for adoption. If you are looking to adopt a child, please visit www.storksearch.org. Thank you.

Let’s look beyond the fact that they used improper language. Let’s move on to something else entirely. When you click the About Us section, you see the following, next to a picture:

My name is Mary Guiseley. I am a 42-year-old mother of two adopted children. Like many of you, I have struggled through infertility, not once, but twice. I know well the heartbreak and physical pain of the process.

But wait, Mary. I thought you just said that the site was for “birthmothers” considering placement and that if I was looking to adopt, I should visit some other site. And then you screw up your coercive plan and let us know your true intention. Wouldn’t you be better off to save that information for your other site? The one in which you tell adoptive parents that you can find them a baby? Oh wait! You did! You just simply copied and pasted because you can’t be bothered to show empathy or compassion for a mother experiencing an unplanned pregnancy! Why waste your time and energy?! After all, a “birthmother” isn’t smart enough to figure out that you’ve got a different agenda than her well-being, right?

In television (and radio), we are held to truth in advertising. I can’t make a commercial for the local car dealership that promises, without a doubt, that the customer will pay no less than 40 bucks for a new car that will run perfectly for 80 years. You know what else I can’t do? Make a commercial for a company that says they’ll do one thing and does another. You know; the old bait and switch. That’s exactly what this site does. Someone Googles for “adoption alternatives,” thinks they’ve found a legitimate site and is only further slammed with coercive ignorant language.

And I’m all riled up about it.

PS – Your “trimesters of adoption” is disgusting.

False Advertising is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Remember that fantastic woman who went out of her way to give me her unsolicited opinion on the day that I had miscarried our angel? Well, she's still in a less than respectful (on her side) email discussion with my dear friend Breanna. Bre has been attempting to tell this woman that her issues as an adoptee are not her child's issues, firstparents are not inherently evil and, you know, dispelling other myths that this woman tried to sell on my blog.

Well, she made this comment in her most recent email exchange with Bre:

Adoption is the most blessed childbirth experience there is. Having your own is easy.

Anyone else cussing or scratching their heads with me? I'll tackle the first sentence first; attack her blatant stupidity in chronological order.

Adoption is the most blessed childbirth experience there is. First of all, don't end sentences with "is." Moving on from grammatical stupidity, the sentence itself is contradictory. Let's even look past the fact that the actual legal adoption of a child and childbirth are two totally separate entities which happen months, sometimes years apart. While adoptions today allow for the potential adoptive parents to be present for the birth of the child if the Mother agrees to it, the adoptive parents are still not giving birth. So, therefore, to state that adoption is the most blessed childbirth experience for the soon-to-become firstmother is simply ludicrous. I do not know one firstmother who, upon delivering her baby thought, "Wow, that was awesome! Just take my baby away! Woo-ee!" For this woman to claim that "adoption" is the most blessed "childbirth" experience not only makes her seem even more uneducated, both on adoption and in general, but shows that she is trying to justify something in her own life. What about her two other biological children? Were their births not special? Is her adopted child more special than those who came before, from their Mother's body? The answer should be no. Children should be equally special in the eyes of their parents no matter the way in which they entered the family.

Moving on…

Having your own is easy. First of all, we have a pronoun without an antecendent so, just in case you're joining the conversation mid-post, she's referring to children. Having your own children is easy. Really? Ask the majority of my adoptive parent readers and friends. I bet they would argue that point. Ask both of my Grandmothers who suffered multiple miscarriages. Ask my dear friend K who, due to a kidney disease worse than my own disorder, would be putting her life and the life of a child in jeopardy should she decide to have a child of her "own." Ask me. Ask this woman, standing right here, who just had a miscarriage. Ask this woman, right here, who, due to a kidney disorder, had a rough time keeping both children in her womb during pregnancy. Ask this woman, right here, who had multiple bouts of preterm labor, one of which included an ambulance ride. Ask all of the women who have responded in the past few days to my posts regarding my miscarriage if they think having "their own" is easy.

More over, the post on which she originally commented, ironically titled "Own," spoke of how I believe that adoptive parents should love all of their children, adopted or biological, because they are their own. The fact that she used "their own" in the statement is further proof that she is uneducated and insecure regarding adoption issues. Your children are your own; refer to them all as your own, not just the biological ones. I don't know why she chose that particular post to attack when it was, in essence, supporting those adoptive parents who do love the child that has been placed in their family because that child is their own. It is those parents who understand that two sets of parents are not confusing. It is those parents who are secure in their place of Motherhood or Fatherhood and are not threatened by phone calls, emails or visits from firstparents. It is those parents who will truly benefit their children; not only for showing the child unconditional love, but for showing their firstparents compassion and, likewise, unconditional love.

Easy? Take a trip to the bathroom with me in a bit and tell me if having "my own" is easy.

Easy, Eh? is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I didn't mean to tackle the same subjectry as Mia today. I just accidentally happened upon some statistics that made me want to toss my computer out the window. However, that would be a bad move. I'm at work. They might frown upon that. Might.

Statistics never cease to piss me off. They're often skewed to prove whatever it is the argumentative whiner is trying to prove. (Though, it angers me even more when people don't realize that the average age for a firstparent is not in the teenage realm. Wake up to that, folks.) I mean, even Homer Simpson understands what statistics truly mean:

"Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that."
Homer Simpson

I mean, if Homer knows that, what the heck is the problem with the rest of the world? If you want a more intellectual being to say the same thing, let's take a trip through some quotes:

"There are two kinds of statistics: the kind you look up and the kind you make up."
Rex Stout - American Writer

Or, how about:

"Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures."
Evan Esar – American Humorist

And, yet another:

"There are three kinds of lies – lies, damned lies and statistics."
Benjamin Disraeli, commonly misattributed to Mark Twain because he quotes Disraeli in Autobiography.

Statistics are basically crap. For example, I'd like to take some of the statistics listed on this page and laugh them out of the water. Now, honestly, some of them are adoption facts rather than statistics. It is not a statistic how many states disallow adoption by same sex couples, it is just a fact. Now, if you want to make a statistic on how many people within those states are fighting against the laws and how many are fighting for them, that would be a statistic. Simply listing states is fact, not statistic. Because:

A statistic (singular) is the result of applying a statistical algorithm to a set of data. In the calculation of the arithmetic mean, for example, the algorithm directs us to sum all the data values and divide by the number of data items. In this case, we call the mean a statistic. To be complete in describing any statistic, one must describe both the procedure and the data set.

From Wikipedia on Statistics.

Moving on, I found this bunch of stats (not just facts but stats from the US Census Bureau) to be not only vaguely interesting but highly disturbing. Which one made my red flags fly all around?

$56,000
Median income for households with adopted children under 18, higher than those with biological children and stepchildren, $48,000 and $51,000, respectively.

Really now? Does anyone else find it disturbing that many a firstparent that I know, in real life and online, make more than this average? (Note: I don't make more than J and D but we make more than this average.) How then do we continue to perpetuate the "fact" that adoptive parents are rescuing children from poverty (not speaking of international adoption), from a life where they could not possibly be provided for on the same level and.. so on. I just find it quite alarming that agencies continue to tell expectant women considering adoption that the adoptive families that they are looking to place with are so much more financially stable than these women could EVER hope to be. It's a load of bull. Don't believe a word of it. Trust me. Two years later you could be far more successful and far more financially stable than the above mentioned statistic.

And so, to expectant families considering placement, I give you this tidbit of advice: Do NOT let an agency, a lawyer or your best friends' grandma's cousin tell you that because you're dealing with a rough financial time now that you can NEVER come out on the other side making more money than any Tom, Dick or Stanley.

Basically, stepping down off of my angry soapbox regarding the fact that I make more than the average adoptive parent yet I was told that I could NEVER provide for my child, the fact still remains: do NOT let statistics make your decision to parent or place. They can be skewed to say whatever the person offering them wants. And, sadly, agencies are highly adept at skewing just about everything.

It breaks my heart on a daily basis that nothing is being done to help these expecting families see through the lies.

So is that anger or just heartbreak? I can't tell.

Statistics Schmatistics is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

And not for the best.

I posted the following question(s) in an online community for first(birth)mothers in 2003.

I wrote a letter to the guy that I told we could possibly become a couple when he came home from Iraq to inform him of my pregnancy. I never expected to hear from him again. So when he called the day that he got the letter and said we would discuss it when he got home on Mother's Day… I was shocked. A) He wasn't supposed to be home until January. B) He called!

After his return, he stated that his feelings had not changed for me. We began dating and have been ever since. Originally, at the start of our relationship, I was planning on keeping Munchkin. [...] Now I'm starting to see and hear and feel the effects that my decision [to place] has had on him. He sometimes gets distant when I speak of the adoption and or the baby. However, he loves this child. He's constantly talking to my tummy and doing all those daddy like things even though this baby is not his at all.

I'm worried that he will keep all of these feelings inside and that post-adoption he will resent me for my decision even though he is not the father. I don't know if any of you have been in a similar situation, but advice here is definitely welcome. I don't want to lose him on the other side of this thing as it is hard enough. Thanks for your help.

And someone that I later came to trust as a friend, replied with this gem:

How do you feel? Do you want to be a mom? Are you ready to be a mom? Are you ready to go through an adoption? Your boyfriend's feelings are important, but they shouldn't be what makes or breaks your decision (one way or another.)

You two aren't married and if you decide you want to raise your baby then you need to be able to do it on your own, without your boyfriend's help (financially, emotionally and otherwise.) If he chooses to help, then that's great, but don't put yourself in a position where you can't do it alone.

Your baby is what matter's most. Do what is right for your CHILD – the decision has to be yours, not your boyfriend's.

I posted about finding this exchange a few months ago; it saddened me, deeply, to find that this idea had not been my own but, instead, had been planted in my head by people that I thought knew better. (I was so naive, so trusting. Is it any wonder that I don't trust even nuns now?) I had wanted to include J in the decision, the process. And, for the most part, he was. He attended the first meeting with J and D with me. He was, simply put, always there. I didn't want to make the decision without him, but, as all four of the other responses to that question, including the one from the woman who was to become my friend, told me that I needed to be a "strong woman" and "stick to the plan" and "do this on my own."

Stick to the plan?

Sigh.

I cannot explain well enough how sad this truly makes me. One of the issues that I'm dealing with in therapy is the overwhelming guilt I feel that I caused J undue emotional pain. He loved and continues to love Munchkin. He gladly would have parented her. I'll never forget the day that I told him that I was going to place her for adoption; it's stuck, forever, in my mind. I was sitting on the porch at my parent's house on a warm summer day. We were talking on the phone. He was at work (ambulance company). He had no response. I wondered why. I didn't understand how attached he had become to her until, weeks later, he had his head resting on my belly and she kicked him in the face. He looked at me with the most joyous face ever.

This is one guilt I'm just having a hard time letting go of… I'd do anything to protect my Husband from hurt. I recently became upset with a set of friends who unintentionally hurt my Husband. I don't want for him to be sad, hurt or feel neglected. I'd do anything for this Man. And… I hurt him on a level that no other person in this world was able or will be able to do.

And it wasn't even my own idea. Oh, J, I'm sorry.

The Advice that Changed my Husband’s Life is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

And not for the best.

I posted the following question(s) in an online community for first(birth)mothers in 2003.

I wrote a letter to the guy that I told we could possibly become a couple when he came home from Iraq to inform him of my pregnancy. I never expected to hear from him again. So when he called the day that he got the letter and said we would discuss it when he got home on Mother's Day… I was shocked. A) He wasn't supposed to be home until January. B) He called!

After his return, he stated that his feelings had not changed for me. We began dating and have been ever since. Originally, at the start of our relationship, I was planning on keeping Munchkin. [...] Now I'm starting to see and hear and feel the effects that my decision [to place] has had on him. He sometimes gets distant when I speak of the adoption and or the baby. However, he loves this child. He's constantly talking to my tummy and doing all those daddy like things even though this baby is not his at all.

I'm worried that he will keep all of these feelings inside and that post-adoption he will resent me for my decision even though he is not the father. I don't know if any of you have been in a similar situation, but advice here is definitely welcome. I don't want to lose him on the other side of this thing as it is hard enough. Thanks for your help.

And someone that I later came to trust as a friend, replied with this gem:

How do you feel? Do you want to be a mom? Are you ready to be a mom? Are you ready to go through an adoption? Your boyfriend's feelings are important, but they shouldn't be what makes or breaks your decision (one way or another.)

You two aren't married and if you decide you want to raise your baby then you need to be able to do it on your own, without your boyfriend's help (financially, emotionally and otherwise.) If he chooses to help, then that's great, but don't put yourself in a position where you can't do it alone.

Your baby is what matter's most. Do what is right for your CHILD – the decision has to be yours, not your boyfriend's.

I posted about finding this exchange a few months ago; it saddened me, deeply, to find that this idea had not been my own but, instead, had been planted in my head by people that I thought knew better. (I was so naive, so trusting. Is it any wonder that I don't trust even nuns now?) I had wanted to include TheHusbandMan in the decision, the process. And, for the most part, he was. He attended the first meeting with J and D with me. He was, simply put, always there. I didn't want to make the decision without him, but, as all four of the other responses to that question, including the one from the woman who was to become my friend, told me that I needed to be a "strong woman" and "stick to the plan" and "do this on my own."

Stick to the plan?

Sigh.

I cannot explain well enough how sad this truly makes me. One of the issues that I'm dealing with in therapy is the overwhelming guilt I feel that I caused TheHusbandMan undue emotional pain. He loved and continues to love Munchkin. He gladly would have parented her. I'll never forget the day that I told him that I was going to place her for adoption; it's stuck, forever, in my mind. I was sitting on the porch at my parent's house on a warm summer day. We were talking on the phone. He was at work (ambulance company). He had no response. I wondered why. I didn't understand how attached he had become to her until, weeks later, he had his head resting on my belly and she kicked him in the face. He looked at me with the most joyous face ever.

This is one guilt I'm just having a hard time letting go of… I'd do anything to protect my Husband from hurt. I recently became upset with a set of friends who unintentionally hurt my Husband. I don't want for him to be sad, hurt or feel neglected. I'd do anything for this Man. And… I hurt him on a level that no other person in this world was able or will be able to do.

And it wasn't even my own idea. Oh, TheHusbandMan, I'm sorry.

The Advice that Changed my Husband’s Life is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

They shift. And get completely erased by the tide.

Where do we draw the line? How does a birthmother with a good match and relationship with the adoptive family figure out how far is too far when it comes to talking about her experience with expectant parents?

I ask not because I’m doing it. Heck no. I have no desire to do so. I’m watching others do so and it makes me want to scream and point, “Coercion! Coercion! Misleading information! Shut the heck up!” And some obscenities that I’m trying to let go of. Goodness, it’s hard to stop cussing. Especially on teh intraweb!

I know that current birthparents should inform expectant parents investigating their options if they are asked about adoption. One shouldn’t necessarily bust out with lies and say, “All adoptive parents are eeeeevil.” It just simply isn’t true. D isn’t evil. Frankly, the majority of adoptive parents that I know in real life aren’t evil. Though some are. And they make me want to cuss. Back to the same problem there.

But the problem is, agencies aren’t asking those of us who take issue(s) with adoption to come in and speak to these expectant parents. They’re bringing in the Happy Birthmother(s). (I will fully admit that some Happy Birthmothers are truly genuine, lucky and blessed. I will also fully admit that I used to be a HB and was living a lie. Same goes for many others who happen to be blogging around these parts. Moving on.) I fear that these unknowing expectant parents are only getting half-truths. A recent HB said that she wanted to portray adoption honestly but if you want to do that you need to bring in a woman whose life has truly been descimated(sp) by the placement of her child. You need to bring in a woman who placed her firstborn only to find out much later that, oops, no more kids for her. You need to bring in a woman, like myself, who still has the “Ideal Adoption” and still feels that empty hole in the center of her being and wishes, with all of her might, that things were different.

Totally unrealistic, eh? Sad.

And some will counter with, “This is the information age! People can look that kind of sob-story sh… stuff (caught myself)… up on the internet! Go to the library! Get off your rear-end!” Not always so.

Recently, a few people were discussing preparedness before placement and how we all come in with varying degrees. Well folks, I came in mostly blind. If you know even an iota of my story, you know that I had the pregnancy from Hades and was on bed rest from 18 weeks on; due to my financial constraints, my internet connection was unreliable (at best) and I didn’t have information sitting at my fingertips. Beyond that, when I did have internet, I didn’t listen to the “Scary Angry Birthmoms,” though to be honest, only one or two approached me and begged me to consider parenting. Everyone else was gung-ho for placement. Especially the agency.
I wish the agency would have discussed some (heck, any) of the emotional turmoil that a birthmother goes through post-placement. The whole, “You’ll be sad but you’ll move on,” crap is, well, crap. But I didn’t know any different. How could I?

It just makes me sad that other Birthmothers are out there, telling these nervous, unsure expectant parents that it will all be okay if they place their child. While things may work out in the end, nothing will ever, ever be the same again. (Though, nothing is the same when you parent, either, but there isn’t a sense of overwhelming loss and “What the $*#! did I DO?!) (Caught myself again.)

It’s all lines in the sand.

Lines in the Sand is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’ve written on the forums about how I’m contantly running into people who assume that just because I(we) have an open adoption that I shouldn’t hurt. Well, that’s a load of crap. Let me say that loud and clear in this blog. It’s a load of crap.

I won’t do a comparison as to who hurts more (open vs. closed) because every birthparent is different and every adoption is different. But let me tell you, even though I seem like a well put-together woman with my head screwed on tightly to my shoulders: open adoption isn’t the best thing in my life. I am grateful that I see my daughter but, crap, sometimes looking into her eyes, in person, is the hardest thing in the world.

Move to today’s conversation with a nameless adoptive Mom involved in an open adoption. She starts out asking me what we do for Munchkin’s birthday(s). I went there for her first birthday but since we (amom and myself) had just had babies the month before her second birthday, no travelling happened. I sent cards and presents, of course, and have plans to be there for her second birthday. Anyway, then come the highly loaded and quite judgemental line of questions:

well how would you respond if Munchkin wanted BigBrother to come live with her because it is her brother. [My child] wanted his new brother [who lives with the birthmother] to come live with us when he was born we thought we dealt with it but now it has come up again. [Birthmom] is planning on coming to his party but now I do not know if it is a good idea

(Stuff in brackets is either my addition or a name change to protect identities.) I explained that many an adoptee (though not all) in an open adoption has asked if their new brother or sister (by way of the birthmother) could come live with them; it’s a complex thing to understand that your sibling cannot and will not live with you when you are young. Even young children who have stepsiblings living with a separate parent may not fully understand why they don’t live with their family.

She then responded with this gem:

so how do I deal with it she keeps having kids left and right does’nt it confuse them? she wants to stay at the motel we are staying at after the party and I guess I really do not want her and all the kids there too. She is only bringing the baby to the party when I think the other two should come

I start to get annoyed at this point. I stated how D is only taking JD when she goes out of state next month because it’s easier to travel with a baby than an older child. (Munchkin? A handful? Of course!) I also explained, using quotes to show that her choice of wording was highly improper, that whether or not she has kids “left and right” is not her concern. She just has to raise her own child.

I guess I want him to know raising a family does not mean different dads and no marriage.

To which I replied that you can raise him with your own morals but the understanding that all families are unique and different. I wanted to add, “So he doesn’t grow up to be a judgemental bastard like you’re acting right now.” But I didn’t. I bit my fingers.

I mean will she even be able to spend time with Josaih when she has the baby with. I guess her coming to the party would be ok just not sleeping over. She would have to stay in her brothers room and I know his wife does not want theat it is such a mess. I should not even invited her

At this point I just got flat out pissed. I asked if that meant that I should not take BigBrother when I go to visit Munchkin this fall. Yes, it takes a lot of energy to take care of a baby and spend time with the whirlwind that is Munchkin but it’s something that I do. And, then this is her oh-so-lovely response:

Your relationship is different and you seem more together than her. It seems like she never spends time alone with [her birthson] it is always with her kids around all the time. I don’t know what I feel just a mess right now.

To be honest, most adoptive parents I know would be elated if a birthmother didn’t want to spend “alone time” with their child. Personally, alone time with Munchkin can sometimes get overwhelming. She is not “my child.” (She is in the technical sense.) But I don’t raise her. I don’t know her personality cues, such as when I’m invading her personal space or when she just needs to be left alone to play with blocks quietly. I feel much more at ease with J, D (and the eighty-two cats), J, BigBrother and whomever else are around because I can simply and quietly watch my birthdaughter without feeling as though I’m “invading.” I know J and D both trust me with Munchkin but it’s still hard for me to interact with her at times. A lump forms in my throat and sometimes words escape me. Sometimes it is MORE than enough to sit and watch her, to memorize what she was like at x-age. Parents do this with any child; you take them in and try to remember intricate details. At least, I do. I’m a detail type woman!

And of course, the kicker:

you seeem very strong in your relationship with the whole triad I would never have thought you would be uncomfortable. How do you guys set things up for visits and how much do you usually see her?

Just because I’m mature about our relationship doesn’t mean I don’t hurt to my core. Just because I have found a way to deal with my emotions so that they don’t prevent me from being able to function on a daily basis doesn’t mean that I’m uncomfortable watching someone else parent my child. Don’t get me wrong: I dig J and D. Wrangling Munchkin is no small task and they take it on with much more grace than I sometimes think that I am capable of; but it’s still a weird feeling to watch someone who came forth from your body, with your genetics, run towards someone else and yell, “MOMMMMMY!” It breaks my heart.

And so why do I see Munchkin even thought it hurts? I promised her that I would. Prior to placement I wasn’t sure that it was something I wanted to do or could do. I was thinking primarily of myself. When I gave birth to her, we had a long conversation in the hospital one evening in which I promised her that I would always, until my dying day, place her needs above my own desires. If that, someday, means pulling back on contact while she goes through her own emotional turmoil, so be it. But until then, I will be physically and emotionally available to her in order to prove that her needs were always of my utmost concern.

This is the newsflash, folks: Adoption hurts. On all sides of the triad. Adoptive parents hurt at times. Adoptees hurt. And birthparents hurt. Even those with those “ideal” adoptions. What the rest of the world sees as “ideal” (referring to contact) is still not what I wanted for myself or my child in my mind’s eye. It still hurts that I couldn’t give her what she needed when she needed it. And if I have to pay with daggers in my heart every time I see her, that’s my own punishment.

Adoption doesn’t hurt? Live my life for just one singular day.

Newsflash: Open Adoption isn’t a Guaranteed Path to Happiness is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.