Bad Advice » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Unsolicited Pregnancy/Child Advice

Bad Advice, Health, Personal 3 Responses »

Sep 052006

I recently received a PM from a newer forum member. Unprompted. I didn’t PM her. We didn’t exchange any form of words in a thread. I hadn’t seen her name until this evening. In it was this paragraph:

I predicted another mom was gonna have two kids…and um…she is going to. So for you, you may think I’m a complete wack…and well…ok…I might be…tee hee. I think I’m a wakko too…so you’re not alone. I think you are gonna give birth to another child. You are gonna raise a little girl. FOR SURE. She might be yours and your J’s but she also might be adopted. ( I know you are cringing) but from a situation like mine….foster care or another country. I really believe you will be pregnant and give birth to a beautiful daughter, but you may also be called to adopt. From another country or foster care. I might be wrong…and sorry. Read my blog and you will know I’m super cool and majorly harmless. But I really feel your pain. Like a big sis….I feel it. And I want you to know you have to believe there are little ones coming to you.

There are some things you don’t need to hear at certain junctures in your life. And there are certain things you do need to hear at certain junctures in your life. But when they’re both contained in the same small message, all you can hear is the one that you didn’t want to hear.

As I face these newer, less-fun reproductive issues, my mind is on over-drive. My pelvic was ultrasound today. (Side Note: My kidney filtration rate is WAY down. Over 100 ounces of water and my bladder still wasn’t filling properly. Great. Another issue.) As I figured, the ultrasound tech wasn’t able to tell me anything about the pictures that she took. I didn’t see any aliens on the screen so I take that as a good sign. I don’t know much about ultrasounds of ovaries and the only things I know about ultrasounds of a uterus usually contain a baby. (Though, I’m great with renal ultrasounds.) There was no gasping or audible cussing. My doctor didn’t call me this evening to tell me to get my rear end to the emergency room. So, I’m now “looking forward” to my surgery. By “looking forward,” I mean emotionally dreading.

I know people mean well. It’s like telling a family waiting to adopt a child, “Oh, you’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt!” It’s not what you need to hear. Nor what you want to hear. Right now, I don’t want to hear the word “daughter” in aspect to my parenting life. I don’t want to hear that I’ll adopt. I don’t want to hear the word pregnancy unless my doctor is telling me that I am, in fact, pregnant. I want this precise stage in my life to be over. Yesterday. I also want a new kidney. But it’s not happening.

So, my advice: just be thoughtful in what unsolicited advice you offer to people that you don’t know from Eve. I am not in a place where I want to think about the fact that, in reality, I may never parent a daughter. I am not in the place where I want to think about not having another pregnancy. I am not in the place where I want to think about adopting any child; domestic, foster or internationally. I want to get over this second cold. I want the surgery to be over. I want the leaves to turn orange and red. I want to celebrate my Son’s birthday. And I want two lines on a pregnancy test. In that order.

Until then, I will indulge in some self-torture and listen to “Daughters” by John Mayer. On freaking repeat.

False Advertising

Adoption, in General, Agency Lies, Bad Advice 12 Responses »

Jul 312006

I was on vacation. It was good. Now I’m back and ready to tackle some new stuff.

This website alarms me: Adoption Alternatives.

I clicked it thinking that I would find some good information on assistance available to families, links to programs and tips on how to parent a child on a fixed income. I don’t know why I thought that; how silly of me! Nope; full fledged adoption shmutz shoved down the throad of unassuming expectant Mothers. Of course, the site doesn’t call them expectant Mothers. Oh, no. We can’t show respect like that because it may lead a woman to think, “Hey! I AM a Mom!” That’s Bad News Bears for agencies, you know. Nope, this site is prematurely labeling these expectant Mothers as birthmothers.

How can you be a birthmother if you were researching “adoption alternatives?” Oh, coercion, you tricky thing you!

But it gets better. Please have all barf bags ready. This one is a doozy:

1. How long do adoptions take?
Depending on state laws, adoptions vary in time. Basically once contact is made to the party you wish to work through, things will start to be set up for you. Your part for the most part is over after the baby is born, so that you can go on to resume the life that you have, and continue is your life plans.

Say what now? You said “your part for the most part is over after the baby is born?” SAY WHAT? Yep. You just get up out of that hospital bed, mozy out the front door of the hospial and never again think of the child that you just brought forth into this world. Even though the site touts open adoption, they actually have the hutzpah to post such a same statement. On the same site. Ironic, hypocritical, coercive or all of the above? Hmm.

Here’s another head scratching comment:

Then it is time to sit back, and wait for the birth, and to realize that there are many people out there who want to help you through this trying period of your life.

Uhm, yep. That’s what I did. I picked a family and then sat back and didn’t even think about the life growing inside of me, how I would handle the loss of our bond and ya know, all those other unimportant things to consider prior to the birth and placement of a child.

Now, here’s one of the kickers. The site’s “homepage” states the following:

This website is for birthmothers looking to place a child for adoption. If you are looking to adopt a child, please visit www.storksearch.org. Thank you.

Let’s look beyond the fact that they used improper language. Let’s move on to something else entirely. When you click the About Us section, you see the following, next to a picture:

My name is Mary Guiseley. I am a 42-year-old mother of two adopted children. Like many of you, I have struggled through infertility, not once, but twice. I know well the heartbreak and physical pain of the process.

But wait, Mary. I thought you just said that the site was for “birthmothers” considering placement and that if I was looking to adopt, I should visit some other site. And then you screw up your coercive plan and let us know your true intention. Wouldn’t you be better off to save that information for your other site? The one in which you tell adoptive parents that you can find them a baby? Oh wait! You did! You just simply copied and pasted because you can’t be bothered to show empathy or compassion for a mother experiencing an unplanned pregnancy! Why waste your time and energy?! After all, a “birthmother” isn’t smart enough to figure out that you’ve got a different agenda than her well-being, right?

In television (and radio), we are held to truth in advertising. I can’t make a commercial for the local car dealership that promises, without a doubt, that the customer will pay no less than 40 bucks for a new car that will run perfectly for 80 years. You know what else I can’t do? Make a commercial for a company that says they’ll do one thing and does another. You know; the old bait and switch. That’s exactly what this site does. Someone Googles for “adoption alternatives,” thinks they’ve found a legitimate site and is only further slammed with coercive ignorant language.

And I’m all riled up about it.

PS – Your “trimesters of adoption” is disgusting.