I’m feeling kind of grumpy right now. There’s hate floating around the blogosphere again and, once again, I’m feeling affected. It’s not just me. It’s everyone as of late.

ThanksgivingMom was accused of not being real. Now, to be fair, as I commented on her post, anyone who chooses a level of anonymity on the web gets accused of it once or twice. Even those of use who have used real names, real locations and shared phone numbers have been called into question once or twice. This, of course, falls back on those who have chosen to create fake indentities in the past. It serves no good.  None. It ends up hurting those of us who are real. It’s just a bad, bad idea.

A post on BlogHer is talking about some blog-type drama of which I am not familiar. I don’t know the back story and I don’t really need to know the back story. All I know is that, in the process, my feelings got hurt. Because this blog is not actively accepting comments right now, I’m not “participating in the community” and therefore shouldn’t be calling myself a part of any kind of blogging community.

That’s easy to say if your whoe family and way of life hasn’t been attacked. Needlessly. Without provocation.

I know my specific case wasn’t mentioned or attacked. But it’s hard. I made this choice to continue on my healing journey. And, you know what? I am continuing forward right now. And it feels good. My good days are starting to out number the bad once again and I’m starting to keep my head above water on a regular basis.

And so, you can heckle me for “not participating.” But when I do “participate,” I’m heckled not just for my opinions, which would be fine, but for the way that I live my life. Until this world becomes more accepting of birth mothers and especially those who are in relationships with their children either via reunion or open adoption AND those who are pushing for reform, well, I’m going to continue to pick and choose what is and is not allowed in a space that I pay for. It’s really that simple.

I step away from reading and commenting for a few weeks to do some personal healing and introspection and people lock up their blogs. What has been going on in the adoption blog world? What kinds of drama have I missed? How interesting. How saddening. Or, is it sad?

I’ve often wondered if I should lock up or shut down. Every time I consider it, I decide that’s not the route I want to go. Those are the times that you will see me very little in your blogs or on my own blog(s). As I debate with myself over right and wrong and left and right and up and down. I’ve been so busy putting my own emotional state of being back together that I’ve missed what’s been going on. I feel out of the loop…

and yet, that doesn’t seem to bother me to the point that it once might have not all that long ago.

For me, especially here on this particular blog, my point of writing has become less about this, that or the other thing and more about me, us and our story. And I think that’s why I’ve been so quiet. I don’t have much to report, add to or sort through regarding our story. Things being what they are, I don’t have anything to “chronicle” as it were. I discuss adoption issues as they stand on the birth parent blog and find this the place where I like to remain personal in our adoption journey.

I’m rambling, of course, trying to make sense of what I’m attempting to say. But this blog will be around for quite some time. Until I forget to pay a bill or something. (Last one went to my spam box! Oh noes!) I do foresee a change in what I address on this blog though. Not that I won’t be linking to vitally important issues (like this one!) but, oh, I don’t know. Perhaps I’ve just spent so much time and energy focusing on the outside world over the past two years that I was left with little room or time for myself.

And even still, I’d rather focus on my children than myself. Such is life in my heart.

(All that said and to contradict everything in this post, I’ll be addressing Juno at length tomorrow.)