9

You Can Dress It Up But It Is Still Sleazy

It’s been awhile since I called out any particular agency on this blog; not since I was all but solicited when I was pregnant with my youngest son. I’ve been kind of out of the loop as to what is going on agency wise as I had been focusing, pretty much solely, on my own healing and the immediate needs of our family. As such, what I came across today likely wouldn’t have been as shocking to me two years ago when I was deep in the mire of dealing with atrocities like it on a daily basis. But with the time off, I all but lost my lunch as I stepped through the disgusting muck of unethical, disrespectful deceptive lies and lies of omission being fed by a new site.

I first happened upon AdoptionFirst on twitter. You know, since I all but live there anymore. Their last public tweet at the time advertised to potential adoptive parents that there were three babies available and to visit their blog. I figured it would be something like the icky child listing mentioned on other blogs a few months ago but I clicked anyway. It is similar and worse all in the same stroke of the keyboard. Instead of advertising the newborn babies, we’re advertising their “birth mothers” by things like weight, height, nationality, eye color and hair color. You know, in case we’re really trying to shoot for that blonde haired, blue eyed baby… which is what they flash past the eyes of everyone on their even ickier website.

I really shouldn’t have clicked onto their website. I had red flags going off in my own head. I knew better. But I did it anyway. I almost cried. It goes against everything I have hoped for, prayed for and fought for since joining the battle for adoption reform. It starts with this:

Get Red Carpet Treatment with Adoptions First

What’s that, you ask? Well, it’s this:

* Round trip airfare from anywhere in the US to Los Angeles, California
* Airport pickup and transfer to your NEW HOME
* Tour of Greater Los Angeles: Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Malibu Beaches
* Housing, Medical, Legal, Shopping and other expenses

And more! That’s all part of their “Birth Mother Package.” No, really, that’s what they call it. And so I shouldn’t have been surprised to see how they describe open adoption on their website.

It is your choice to decide how open of an adoption you are comfortable with. You can choose the family and may also request yearly pictures, and you may also ask us for guidance during the selection process.

While some mothers may choose this path, the point is that this “law center” is not actively telling expectant mothers considering placement that they have the right to request a fully open adoption with visits. Neither our agency. We didn’t know that open adoptions like ours (and Dawn’s) were allowed to exist. We were told letters and pictures. Only. And that’s a semi-open adoption at best. Neglecting to tell mothers their full realm of choices is lying to them by omission. How are these mothers supposed to make a fully informed decision if they don’t have all of the information? Furthermore, with no mention of the fact that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states on their website, I have no reason to believe that they’d be telling a mother that once they had her locked inside their doors.

It gets scarier, of course.

After you give birth, it is our responsibility to make sure that the adoption process is complete and the baby is successfully placed with the loving family of your choice.

Read that again. There’s no mention that the mother has every right in the world to take that child home with her. They simply say, in different words, “We’ll do everything in our power to make sure that the child you give birth to is successfully placed for adoption.” They might as well say, “So we get paid” at the end of the sentence. There’s no concern about the length of time that a mother has before she is even legally allowed to sign the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) or even a mention of how that time is a minimum amount and that she can take as long as she needs to make the decision she feels is best for both herself and her child. There’s no mention of anything regarding the time she has to revoke her decision. They’re fully focused on placing that child come hell or high water.

Sadly, they really push the “adoption is wonderful” card at the end.

In the end, you get to be able to go on with your life, on your terms, feeling at peace with the choices you made, playing a vital part in the miracle of adoption.

Because being a means to an end in the beautiful miracle of adoption will automatically erase any issues of grief and loss. You won’t miss your child if you have that knowledge, right? You won’t be upset if this agency stomped all over your rights. You won’t feel cheated or wronged when you find out that you have a right to your own legal representation. You won’t feel lied to when you find out that you could have had an adoption that involved visits. You won’t feel deceived when the adoptive family closes the adoption without warning or reason. You will just feel happy because you got to be involved!

I get so discouraged when I find agencies and sites like these. I keep thinking that we, as an adoption world, have made progress. Have we? Have we really taken any steps forward? I mean, logically, I know that we have. I know that there are agencies out there who are actively interested in ethical adoption. I know that there are families out there who are honestly seeking to do the right thing by their child, by themselves and by their child’s adoptive families. I know that there are adoptees out there that are gaining access to their birth certificates and helping others fight the same fight by bringing aboard birth parents and adoptive parents alike. I know that things are happening. I know that we’re making slow progress but progress all the same. But when a site like this shows up on my radar, I take it as a personal assault.

What can I be doing more of to make a bigger difference? What am I “not” doing that could make the difference if I was doing it? Who do I need to talk to? Where do I need to go? And when, oh when, will the changes really start to be evident across the board. When will the whole of society be able to look at a site like that and say, “What the heck?”

When will we see mothers being respected? When will we see adoptive families being counseled about how to handle the difficulties of open adoption without being told, “Well, just close it”? When will be able to see the children honored by honoring both sets of their parents, adoptive and birth, by making sure they are all treated with the most respect possible?

When will I get to stop writing these posts?

5

A Word on Marketing

I haven’t written about unethical agency practices and how they make my blood boil for quite some time. The process of focusing on myself and my own healing necessitated a step back from the constant aggravation that the adoption industry provides when it comes to “birthmother” “marketing” and other awful ways to refer to getting an expectant mother to place her child for adoption.

Don’t misread that statement. Placing a child for adoption is not the awful part. (Though the emotional reprecussions of such an action could be defined as such which is why better pre- and post-placement counseling are needed for those who do eventually decide to relinquish.) The way that agencies continue to act in subtly coercive ways and get away with it is what I’m classifying as awful.

Heather has two posts that really show what’s going on. It seems like I’m not the only one who is being sought out on places like MySpace and, sadly, the agency that did so is not the only one doing it. Apparently this is now an accepted form of marketing for agencies. Which, of course, it raises my hackles anytime these agencies use the word “marketing” when referring to real live human beings.

My favorite line from the agency’s response:

Our advertising is completely focused on increasing the number of pregnant women who call us.

I wonder, then, if this agency would be like that other one that contacted me on MySpace when I was pregnant with my youngest son. If you’re solely committed to the bottom line, then why would you care if you offend some over-emotional pregnant woman? Why would you care if you’re subtly coercing mothers into placing their children? Why would you care if someone accused  you of unethical practices?

I don’t know when we’re going to see a change in how agencies deal with or are allowed to deal with expectant mothers and fathers. I don’t know how to make these agencies stand up and recognize that they’re doing so much more harm than good in so many cases. I don’t know how to make those who say, “But if one child who really needs a home falls through the cracks due to the changes you are suggesting, it’s all a loss,” realize that there are ethical ways to make sure children have the homes and the love that they need and deserve. Why do we have to go about assuring children such things in such an unethical manner? Why aren’t more people concerned with ethics? Why are we such a selfish nation? A selfish world?

Normally, after writing a post like this, my blood pressure would be up and my vision would shake. It’s amazing what a year of healing will do for you. That said, I’m still greatly displeased with the state of things. In my January-mind’s-eye (the one with the clean slate, you see), I have all of this hope that 2009 will bring great changes on this front. But then the realist part of my head steps in and I know that not enough ground work has been laid for anything of that nature to take place just yet.

Perhaps we need to start laying the ground work now.

16

No One Cares

I understand when Ultra-Right-Wing Conservatives don’t give a rip about the horror stories that birth mothers are living through on a day-to-day basis. I understand when they don’t want to hear about our plight, our hardship and our push for reform. I understand that they have a skewed view of what opening adoptees records will do to adoption. I understand that their one-sided view of the abortion topic totally renders their ability to look at adoption without rose-colored glasses impossible.

But I hate when so-called liberals tout adoption as the “easy answer.”

I was reading an extremely well-written post over at Momocrats. It’s a place that I’ve been feeling that I “belong” and “fit in” because my views have been expressed not only by posts but by comments from like-minded individuals. And then today happened. And I feel, once again, like no one on Earth is ever going to care about reforming adoption. I am frustrated. I am angry. And I am tired of being alone.

The very first comment on the thread made my head explode and my heart cry:

I also wonder why the immediate kneejerk solution is marriage to the father. I would think for those who are pro life and find themselves pregnant, an open adoption is an excellent option.

But that probably isn’t an option for someone who is in the public spotlight like this – not with the whole family values thing.

There are so many families all over the world who desperately want a baby but are unable to have one. In the US a lot of these families end up going overseas to adopt.

In my opinion, it is a great shame that adoption is not promoted more as an option for teenagers who find themselves to be pregnant.

First and foremost, “open” adoption is not a bandaid for the grief and loss experienced by birth mothers. It’s just not. You can dress it up all pretty with nice words. You can try to make it sound like a great solution. I’m sure that commenter doesn’t even know that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states, only causing a huge crisis in our country of birth mothers who have lived through the immediate horror of relinquishment and then forced to live through another severing of their lives with their child. It’s an epidemic as of late! But, hi, the NY Times hit on the reason that attitude bothered me just today in an article about Virtual Twinning and adoption:

“Adoption should be about finding families for children, not about finding children for families,” she said. “In many cases parents are doing this without understanding what the ramifications are. I think it’s fine to do it if people are well aware that doing it may be very difficult.”

But even my own like-minded people don’t view adoption in that way. It’s about giving babies to families who want them. Bristol’s child is not unwanted, folks. Unexpected? Totally. Unplanned? Yes. Scaring Mom and Grandma out of their minds? 100% sure that’s the case. But I’m pretty darn sure that baby is very much wanted at this point. How am I pretty darn sure? Seek out blogs by other birth mothers and find me one who says, “Nah, I didn’t want my kid so I gave him up.” You’ll be hard pressed to find one. (For reference: I’m not talking of children who were removed from abusive homes.)

I don’t even want to talk about “promoting” adoption to teens. The ethical implications of “birth parent” “marketing” really make me ill. Until you have been solicited by an agency on a Social Media site, don’t talk to me about “birth parent” “marketing” and promoting adoption to our “teens.”

The comment above made me cry, folks. Sometimes I feel like all the work I do is in vain. Is no one hearing me? Is no one listening? Or do they simply just not care? Will adoption always be touted as the “answer” to the “abortion problem” or is anyone going to stand up and do something? Am I always going to be ostracized by political candidates who don’t understand or even know about the issues that I face? Neither Obama nor McCain care about adoptees rights or ethical counseling for expectant parents considering relinqiushment or how adoptive parents can close an open adoption without reason or recourse for the birth family. No one cares!

And it’s getting really tiring to realize, over and over, that no one in power gives a flying Fig Newton about the experience you have lived or the changes you wish to make. It’s getting really, really hard to continue to have faith in hope and change at all, no matter who is elected. I want my daughter to have access to her birth certificate. I want future birt mothers and birth fathers to be treated with respect. I want future adoptive parents to be counseled on the true trials in open adoptions. I want unethical adoption agencies to be held accountable. I want someone to stand up and say, “SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!”

But no one cares. Not even people I identify with. Ostracized for another election. When will it end?

(Of note: I do not vote single issue for candidates. If I did, I wouldn’t ever have anyone to vote for. I will still be voting for who I believe is the lesser of the two evils when it comes to this topic and many, many others. But I’m just tired of being ignored.)