While I don’t have time to listen to much “new” music now, music was a part of my escape during my pregnancy with the Munchkin. As such, certain songs will always resonate with that time. They will pull up memories that are so vivid that, at times, I need to turn off the song. In some ways, it’s nice to have these songs. To be forced to look in the eyes of my past. Some memories are nice, to be honest. It was my time with her.

Some days, this song is my friend. Some days, this song is my enemy. It just depends.

Heaven by Live.

Released in 2003 as I was gestating the Munchkin, any time I was in the car, this song made its way to the airwaves. I couldn’t escape the hold it had on me at that time. It dropped before we found out her gender but to be honest, I always had a feeling. Mother’s intuition? Or whatever. She was all girl.

The song itself doesn’t say anything pertinent. Except it talks about a daughter. And that was enough at the time. It’s still enough to bring me to tears at times.

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter and I believe.

This was only driven further into my being when she was born. There’s nothing quite like birthing a child and looking into her eyes. She was amazing. And beautiful. And wise. And, at the time, mine. I was awestruck by the fact that I had a) created such a beautiful being, b) how much love I had for this child and c) that no one had told me I would feel this way. Everything I had been told about having a baby that you were placing for adoption didn’t equate to the overwhelming knowledge of love that I had for that little girl. I had been told that I would already view her as someone else’s child. But oh, you couldn’t deny that she was mine when you looked in her eyes.

Having my daughter changed a lot about how I viewed the world. My faith was restored, unlike a lot of other birth mothers, when my daughter came into my life. Just seeing her, in her amazing perfection (especially considering my complicated pregnancy) was proof enough for me. No, nothing went like it “should have.”

But you can’t look at that little girl and not know that Someone amazing brought her to this planet.

Day Five: I’m a Christian.

This post is coming late because it’s Sunday. But I didn’t go to church because of the whole bed rest issue. And I’m feeling kind of bummed about it. So I’ll talk about my faith for a few minutes before retiring for the day.

I am a Christian. I’ve struggled with my faith over the years. I’ve been mad at God on several (numerous) occasions. I’ve strayed. I’ve fallen down. I’ve acted like a non-Christian. I’ve been hypocritical. I’ve been judgmental. And still my Savior forgives me. That’s a good thing, in my opinion.

I’m currently in a decent place with my faith. I’ve been shown a lot about myself through my past judgments on people. I still have a few judgments I’d like to let go of, ones I jump to at first impressions, but God has been working on those. I try not to be hypocritical but, alas, I don’t know many of us who live our lives perfectly. Sometimes I do and say the wrong thing. I’m finding it easier to walk with God than apart from Him anymore. I’m enjoying my fellowship with other Christians and am enjoying learning more about the word.

And how does this relate to adoption?

Just go ahead and read my post (from way earlier this year) over at the birth/first parent blog: Where Is God In Placement? I still stand by it.