I’m in a letter writing mood.
Dear Munchkin,
Sometimes, mainly at night, the tears just fall. I won’t need eye makeup remover when I get ready for bed in a bit; I’ve cried it all off. It streaks my cheeks. Streaks of pain, of love, much like the adoption agency told me to call my stretch marks. Oh, what did they know.
My heart was forever streaked with your being, forever changed. Sometimes, the pain of missing you is so unbelievably overwhelming that my chest physically hurts. It’s as if an elephant has planted himself there and is waiting for someone to feed him peanuts before he gets up to move. It’s as if I need to see you, touch you, hear your laughter before I can breathe again. You are such an important part of my life, my heart.
It hurts me, to no end, that someday in the future, you will question my love for you. You will be angry, even if only slightly. That is your right and part of your own healing process. But, my precious, beautiful child, it kills me to know that you will hurt. You won’t fully understand that level of pain until you, yourself, are a parent. I didn’t understand what my Mom was saying when she said “I hurt when you hurt.” It’s true. Knowing that I’m the cause of that pain is a double whammy.
I will spend my whole life showing you, not just telling you, how important you are to me, how much I love you and how your best interest has always been my primary concern. It’s just on nights like these that I would like to walk back the hall of my own home, open your bedroom door and crawl under your covers only to snuggle all night long and sleep the best sleep in the world. Even if you’d kick my face like you did that one time.
I love you, my Munchkin. I just needed to send this out to you tonight.
Forever in my Heart,
Your Jenna