I finally purchased Choice: True Stories of Birth, Contraception, Infertility, Adoption, Single Parenthood, & Abortion for myself. I had a $20.00 Amazon Gift Card and thought I would spend some of it on myself instead of all on the boys. You know, like I usually do. It arrived. And I’m just overwhelmed with the awesomeness of it already. Even though I’ve found two typos and I’m only on page 29. (Oh, the editor in me.)

A quote from the introduction regarding the hard look the book takes at the different choices women have to make regarding unplanned pregnancy (and how those stories aren’t always happy-go-lucky):

When an issue is as polarized as abortion, people on both sides see the world in black and white. In order to preserve these extremes, stories that reveal gray areas are kept secret. The woman who regrets placing he child for adoption suffers in silence, lest someone think she would have been better off aborting. The woman who undergoes a painful abortion keeps quiet, lest the complexities of her situation be construed as an argument against reproductive freedom. But when these stories are suppressed, so is our empathy. Instead of listening to each other’s stories and drawing lessons from each other’s lives, we are turning a deaf ear to human experience.

Oof, that hit home. Especially lately.

I received a series of forwards from Dawn in which she had an exchange with two other women. About me. (Don’t I feel famous now?) One woman was peeved about my Redbook piece and how it was too negative. (Which, by the way, I also received word from an anti-adoption follower that it was too positive in the end. Guess I can’t please anyone.) This particular woman took it so far as to contact Redbook and let them know that publishing a story so negative about adoption was doing the world a great disservice. Nevermind the fact that the article was part of a larger piece about the hardships of motherhood. They weren’t looking for a happy piece to add to that story; they wanted other mothers who felt ostracized by the celebration of Mother’s Day to know that they aren’t alone. Nevermind the fact that my piece wasn’t overly negative. Nevermind the fact that I admitted in the piece that I must keep continuing to move forward and heal for the sake of my daughter. Nevermind any of that. She just wanted me to shut my yapper. Or, stop my fingers from moving so swiftly across the keyboard as it were.

The other woman who wasn’t Dawn involved in the series of emails reminded the one who wanted me to shut up that we all have varying experiences. Apparently this woman who doesn’t like me or my story or my writings is a woman who wants to help those touched by adoption. So, the second woman reminded her that if someone like me came to this other woman with such a story, what good would turning someone like me away do? Just because my story isn’t butterflies and rainbows, I should be turned away from any help? Isn’t that kind of, or, rather, totally backward from what people should want to be doing? Shouldn’t we be reaching out to those who have stories with shadows and rainclouds? Shouldn’t we be listening to their stories and learning what we could do differently? Shouldn’t we be fighting against unethical agencies, greedy attorneys and ignorance in general? Or should we just put on our rose-tinted glasses, sip some lemonade and smile at one another without ever hearing, learning or truly feeling the depth of emotion involved in this topic?

You know my answer.

I wish I could speed read through this book. All the same, it will take me awhile. Our lives have gotten so busy with living life that reading (and writing, at this point) have taken a side seat. Not a backseat because I still value the presence of books and words in my daily life. But, oh, I’m just up to the tip of my nose in life right now. And it’s fall! Must go outside.

But I’ll take the book with me.

I understand when Ultra-Right-Wing Conservatives don’t give a rip about the horror stories that birth mothers are living through on a day-to-day basis. I understand when they don’t want to hear about our plight, our hardship and our push for reform. I understand that they have a skewed view of what opening adoptees records will do to adoption. I understand that their one-sided view of the abortion topic totally renders their ability to look at adoption without rose-colored glasses impossible.

But I hate when so-called liberals tout adoption as the “easy answer.”

I was reading an extremely well-written post over at Momocrats. It’s a place that I’ve been feeling that I “belong” and “fit in” because my views have been expressed not only by posts but by comments from like-minded individuals. And then today happened. And I feel, once again, like no one on Earth is ever going to care about reforming adoption. I am frustrated. I am angry. And I am tired of being alone.

The very first comment on the thread made my head explode and my heart cry:

I also wonder why the immediate kneejerk solution is marriage to the father. I would think for those who are pro life and find themselves pregnant, an open adoption is an excellent option.

But that probably isn’t an option for someone who is in the public spotlight like this - not with the whole family values thing.

There are so many families all over the world who desperately want a baby but are unable to have one. In the US a lot of these families end up going overseas to adopt.

In my opinion, it is a great shame that adoption is not promoted more as an option for teenagers who find themselves to be pregnant.

First and foremost, “open” adoption is not a bandaid for the grief and loss experienced by birth mothers. It’s just not. You can dress it up all pretty with nice words. You can try to make it sound like a great solution. I’m sure that commenter doesn’t even know that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states, only causing a huge crisis in our country of birth mothers who have lived through the immediate horror of relinquishment and then forced to live through another severing of their lives with their child. It’s an epidemic as of late! But, hi, the NY Times hit on the reason that attitude bothered me just today in an article about Virtual Twinning and adoption:

“Adoption should be about finding families for children, not about finding children for families,” she said. “In many cases parents are doing this without understanding what the ramifications are. I think it’s fine to do it if people are well aware that doing it may be very difficult.”

But even my own like-minded people don’t view adoption in that way. It’s about giving babies to families who want them. Bristol’s child is not unwanted, folks. Unexpected? Totally. Unplanned? Yes. Scaring Mom and Grandma out of their minds? 100% sure that’s the case. But I’m pretty darn sure that baby is very much wanted at this point. How am I pretty darn sure? Seek out blogs by other birth mothers and find me one who says, “Nah, I didn’t want my kid so I gave him up.” You’ll be hard pressed to find one. (For reference: I’m not talking of children who were removed from abusive homes.)

I don’t even want to talk about “promoting” adoption to teens. The ethical implications of “birth parent” “marketing” really make me ill. Until you have been solicited by an agency on a Social Media site, don’t talk to me about “birth parent” “marketing” and promoting adoption to our “teens.”

The comment above made me cry, folks. Sometimes I feel like all the work I do is in vain. Is no one hearing me? Is no one listening? Or do they simply just not care? Will adoption always be touted as the “answer” to the “abortion problem” or is anyone going to stand up and do something? Am I always going to be ostracized by political candidates who don’t understand or even know about the issues that I face? Neither Obama nor McCain care about adoptees rights or ethical counseling for expectant parents considering relinqiushment or how adoptive parents can close an open adoption without reason or recourse for the birth family. No one cares!

And it’s getting really tiring to realize, over and over, that no one in power gives a flying Fig Newton about the experience you have lived or the changes you wish to make. It’s getting really, really hard to continue to have faith in hope and change at all, no matter who is elected. I want my daughter to have access to her birth certificate. I want future birt mothers and birth fathers to be treated with respect. I want future adoptive parents to be counseled on the true trials in open adoptions. I want unethical adoption agencies to be held accountable. I want someone to stand up and say, “SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!”

But no one cares. Not even people I identify with. Ostracized for another election. When will it end?

(Of note: I do not vote single issue for candidates. If I did, I wouldn’t ever have anyone to vote for. I will still be voting for who I believe is the lesser of the two evils when it comes to this topic and many, many others. But I’m just tired of being ignored.)