Motherhood » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

We All Have Our Own Issues

Aug 252011

I went to a local MOPS group this morning as a friend has been begging me to come for the past two years. Truth is that I’ve been a Mother of a Preschooler for three years now and I will be for another two. While groups always given a crazy amount of anxiety, I decided to go.

Ah, groups.

I hate them because of my anxiety. But I love them as well. If I can get past that sickening sinking feeling in my stomach and breathe slowly enough that my vision stops shaking, I usually have a good time.

I had a good time today.

Except for the survey. After we filled out our name, number, address type stuff, there was a “getting to know you” type survey to fill out as well. One question stumped me. “When did you first find out you were pregnant and how did you feel?”

Hmm.

I didn’t really want to write, “Well, it was a cold April afternoon and I stood in a run down bathroom in a house I shred with three other post-collegians and stared at the positive pregnancy stick. I felt sick to my stomach — partly because of the pregnancy and partly because this wasn’t exactly timely and partly because the biological father standing outside the bathroom wasn’t going to be overly pleased.” Yeah, I just didn’t feel like going there. And I didn’t feel like leading the people on who would read it that BigBrother was my firstborn.

So I left that sucker blank.

I did tell my friend, who just so happened to be collecting the paperwork, that I left it blank. She said not to worry; she left some blank last year for her own personal reasons as well. I breathed a little more easily. Turns out we all have our own issues.

And most of the time I can remember that. But I’ve gotten burned at playgroup type settings before and haven’t really put myself in a position where another burning could happen for a few years. But LittleBrother is in desperate want/need of some other kids to play with when BigBrother is at school (and he only has preschool 3 days a week starting in 2 weeks). So I put myself out there for him. And for me, I suppose. A little bit.

But mostly him.

Mother’s Day Is Finally Mother’s Day

Adoption, in General, Motherhood 3 Responses »

May 092011

Everything kind of fell into place this year for me.

Last week was hell. I mean, it was really a personal hell for me. I think I drank my weight in Rescue Remedy, but I probably just cried it right out. It was a hard week and I haven’t even really had time to deal with some of what I’m feeling because life tends to get in the way of emotional healing.

But I just had the most wonderful Mother’s Day ever.

Sometime shortly after seven-zero-zero, my oldest son was thisclose to my face. “Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy.” I smiled and told him thank you and that his daddy was in charge. My husband left the room with him shortly thereafter and I hung out in bed, not really sleeping, but definitely enjoying the cool quiet of the room. Then my husband made me breakfast. And later, lunch.

I watched cheesy chick flicks. I read. And I napped.

I played Hungry, Hungry Hippos. I played cars. I read a few books. I chased my kids down the hall. We took photos in the yard. I talked to my mom, my dad and my mother-in-law. I wasted time on Facebook (and didn’t do any work online… well, until the kids were in bed). I left a message for my daughter’s mom. I opened cards (and laughed). I enjoyed my beautiful new plants and newly placed bird feeder (in a perfect spot for photography). I sent messages back and forth with some of my favorite moms.

And then my husband announced, “Appetizers!” And he put crab legs that he had been grilling (which I didn’t even know you could DO) on the table. NO FREAKING LIE. And then he served steak wrapped in bacon, mashed potatoes and zucchini for supper. And then butterscotch pudding (a fav) for dessert.

And the whole day, I felt light and airy. My sons repeatedly wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and told me that they loved me. Without prompting. I got kisses and hugs. And lots of food. And even more laughs. And it felt good.

I felt joy.

I said a special prayer with the boys before bed, thanking God for all of my children and went into the different ways that I am their mother. I thanked God for my mom, for my mother-in-law and for grandmothers. I got long-winded, but my kids were patient. I got more kisses after that.

Tomorrow will be a new week and I still have stuff to deal with. But today was about joy. I don’t know if it’s about the separation of issues. Or if it was my husband’s over-the-top awesomeness (because he knows how I struggle) (and, really, he’s just that awesome). Or if it was just the year that I was finally able to grow into who I am and be at peace on this day. I don’t know.

But I sure I hope I feel this good on Mother’s Day next year.