5

Placement and Attachment Parenting

Sometimes I wonder about myself and my parenting choices. Would I be as into attachment parenting as I am if I wouldn’t have placed the Munchkin? If she had been with me since day one, would I have done similar things with her as I did with her younger brother(s)? Would I have been all about babywearing? Would I have considered cloth diapering? More over, if I wouldn’t have been lead by the unethical agency to believe that breastfeeding the Munchkin would be detrimental to all involved, would things have been different? If not with her, with BigBrother? Would I not feel overwhelmed with everything now?

How much does placement affect and/or change how I parent now as compared to how I would have parented then? Was I always this type of parent in theory? Or did the loss of my first born change how I practiced parenting?

These questions often haunt me as I make decisions for my family.

If you knew me prior to BigBrother’s birth, you may recall that I loved being a woman working in broadcasting. I loved my job. I was going to return and be a full-time Mommy and full-time career woman. I had all of these lofty goals. Then BigBrother came out of my womb and those goals, though still lofty, changed. Drastically. I was done working and back in the home by the time he was nine months old. Would that have happened even if I had parented the Munchkin? Or was I feeling a need to be so close to my son because I had lost my daughter?

I’m not sure I can ever figure this out entirely. I think things may be too intertwined, intermixed. Obviously, things in my past have made me who I am today. But are parenting decisions solely based on past experiences or are some of them just who we are, regardless of experience?

It’s curious. I do know that I’m overly cautious with my parented son(s). BigBrother can’t be out of my sight in public or I have a panic attack. It took me over a year to find the courage to leave him in our well-manned church nursery. I have nightmares that he is kidnapped or that I leave him places. Is this all connected? Or is some of it simply my anxiety? Motherly worries? What is it?

I want to visit this in more depth after I ponder it some more. Hmm.

6

Bits and Pieces

There are bits of my son all over this house. I don’t mean that he has exploded. Or that he has turned into a tornado and left things everywhere. Though, that’s what it kind of looks like. It just means that he has infiltrated every part of my life, our lives, our home.

For example. This office? (Which will be moved downstairs in about two weeks. Ordering carpet tomorrow!) It’s my space. TheHusbandMan also uses it. But it’s my space. On the floor we have: a Golden book, a CD cover taken out of the case, the open CD case, a toy pig, a fire truck book, some babylegs, a pair of toddler sunglasses, a sock, and a book that has been taken out of the jacket, which I did not do. And that’s just the floor. Don’t make me describe my desk. Or the contents of the futon.

It’s like this in every room. The bathroom? A boat and a duck sit on the floor. A fire truck tooth brush sits next to the tooth brush holder. It has lights. No sirens. Our bedroom? A book about doggies sits next to the bed so he can read it while he moseys around in the mornings. The hallway? A radio. The kitchen? Letters all over the fridge along with some recently colored “portraits.” Let’s not talk about the sippy cups that line the counter. The living room is a veritable toy box. The bottom of the stairs? A ball sits, thrown over the half wall. The basement? Where BigBrother has never even really been? Is filled with his old baby stuff, to be cleaned and reused for LittleBrotherBaby. Outside? A slide, a play house, a turtle sandbox, a bike, and more fire trucks.

I don’t want to talk about the inside of the Jeep, okay?

He’s everywhere. Thankfully, the veritable toy box cleans up well. (And once we get the office moved downstairs and the crib moved in here for LittleBrother to use, most of BigBrother’s toys will go to his bedroom, leaving room for things like bouncy seats and swings and Pack N’ Plays and play mats and… oh, it’s just going to be another kind of toy explosion.)

The point is: my son(s) is(are) everywhere in this house.

And I can count the number of physical representations of my daughter in this home. She hangs on the family picture wall in four different picture frames. She’s in a frame by my bed. She’s on the refrigerator. There’s a box of Munchkin Memories in the basement. Her pink blankie follows BigBrother wherever he goes (along with his blue one; he’s not gender-specific, bless him). An old binky of hers is in the top dresser drawer in BigBrother’s room. The necklace with her birthstone (along with some bracelets and charms that are about/for/from her) sit in my jewelry box atop my dresser. Another frame sits on top of the one end table (which is the picture that BigBrother takes with him when we talk about her). And on my desk here is the yellow rose.
The point? She’s not everywhere. Her physical being is not present in every nook and cranny. And sometimes that’s upsetting to me. I like when she’s visiting and I find her socks in random places and clothes strewn about. I like stepping on Pony pieces (ow) and reminding her that the boys can’t get ahold of any of it so she needs to sit at the table. I like finding things after they leave, smelling the smell that she’s left behind.

It’s just strange, to have two completely different experiences in how my children infiltrate my life. You think that it would be equal. But it’s not. Now, as for my heart? Oh yeah, I love my kids so much I could burst at times. Perhaps Munchkin is lucky because she doesn’t get enough one-on-one time to frustrate me to the level that Mr. BigBrotherNack can do. But even on his worst days, I love him as much as I love his sister. And that’s a ton.

But sometimes I wish her socks were just hanging around next to her brothers. So I could yell for them both to pick them up.

And then do it myself.

5

Making It

I woke up this morning. Very early. Too early. I went back to sleep. Eventually, a noise from BigBrother’s room woke me up. I rolled over quickly and looked at the clock. It read: 9:22, meaning that it was 9:12. Munchkin started school at 9:00. If I was to talk to her, I had to call before 8:30. I had failed. Again. I rolled back over, buried my face in a pillow and thought about my failure. Four minutes later, I noticed that the room didn’t seem the right shade of brightness for 9:12. I rolled back over. This time the clock read 8:26, meaning it was 8:16. I need to remember to put my glasses on when I look at the alarm clock.

I got up, found my cell phone and called. D answered and asked Munchkin if she wanted to talk to me. She did. She told me that she was wearing pink and that her backpack had Hello Kitty on it. She told me she was excited. I said that I was excited for her and very proud. I said that I loved her. She told me that she loved me, too. I held back the tears until I finished up the conversation with D. Then I wept into my coffee (already made by my Husband) and blackberry jam toast (craving as of right now).

I busied myself with work and discussions with BigBrother. Then I showered. Not alone, of course, because if Mommy’s in the shower, well, BigBrother has to be in there, too! I got ready. I left for the post office and the library. And I drove fast. With the windows down. It was just barely 70 degrees at that point and, oh, it felt heavenly. The radio was up though I don’t recall what was playing. I just let my foot hit the gas and away I went. Sometimes it’s nice to own a Mustang.

Upon returning home, I spent some time playing with BigBrother. And then we ate lunch. And then he went down for his nap. And then I went outside to cry for a little bit. It’s strange. To live your life in your normal, everyday function, all the while deeply aware that your child is hitting this huge milestone. There’s no pomp and circumstance over here today. It’s business as usual. It’s strange to be torn in two directions. My heart can simultaneously be with the Munchkin as she starts school. And still here with my Son as he runs around the living room with the mixer beater saying, “Beater! Beater!” (Toys are beneath this child. He’s going to be a chef.) All the while, it makes me more and more aware that a mother’s heart knows no limits to its capacity to love. My mind, however, gets jumbled and wires get criss-crossed.)

I’m wearing the necklace, as you can see. I wore it yesterday as well. I’ll probably wear it for awhile. Last night, BigBrother sat on my lap as we sang songs before bed time. He pointed to the necklace and asked “Wassat?” I said, “A Heart.” He repeated the word. I said it was a necklace. He repeated heart. I said it was a special symbol between Munchkin and Mommy. He pointed at the wall and said, “NONNA!” We got her picture off of the end table and talked about her for awhile and how she was going to school. Eventually this turned into a discussion about school buses and he was off to play. My heart melted. My son knows his sister. He says the word sister. He loves his sister.

I’m sad today. But, with all the little things between last night and this morning, my heart is just very full. Not as empty as I had expected. Oh, that’s not to say that I am still not filled with a longing to be with her today; I am. But, the little things. They add up, don’t they?