10

A Nap, A Sundae and …

I got an interesting e-mail regarding a previous post in which I stated that this adjustment period would be easier without adoption issues. By “interesting,” of course, I do mean scathing, rude and rather off base. I was accused of “wishing my daughter away” and not “cherishing her being.” I find that pretty incredible, knowing who I am and how I feel about my daughter.

My truth is that I do have a daughter, relinquished for adoption. I love her as much as either of the boys currently making my life busy. They live under my roof and do things like make laundry and big messes. She doesn’t live under my roof, true, and I don’t do her laundry or clean up her daily messes. But, gosh, I love her.

But there are days that I wish for things to be different, even just emotionally. Somedays? I’d would much rather be living in denial. There are days when I wish that I didn’t fully understand everything I have lost by placing her for adoption. There are days when I wish I was still drinking the Adoption Kool-Aid, oblivious to the grief, the loss, the unethical treatment, the lies I was told and the fact that things like that are still happening to mothers and their babies. There are days when I just want the world to switch into “Perfect Mode” so that no one feels like I do, either regarding adoption or even parenting in general. I mean, to be honest? My definition of a “Perfect World” has expanded in the past six days to include the fact that breastfeeding would ALWAYS be easy and painless for mothers so that ALL mothers could breastfeed their children without becoming OMG, SO OVERWHELMED.

But the truth remains that our reality is what it is. I make the best of it. I accept my role in the situation. I accept that since I am no longer in denial, there will be moments (days, weeks, months) of pain. I accept that I can’t have that perfect scenario that I’m dreaming of. I accept my daughter for who she is, no matter who she decides to become.

And I also accept that there will be days when I need a freaking nap.  An ice cream sundae. And a break from adoption.

End NaBloPoMo. (Expect a lull here leading up to Munchkin’s birthday.)

2

Quickly, Quickly

Goodness, I’m pressed for time right now. I’m sure my readers understand.

That said, I need a nap, a hug and something to take my mind off other things.

But otherwise, things are good. Just really, really … tired.

2

Some Breastfeeding Thoughts

If you read the family blog, you know that I’m breastfeeding the new baby. The breastfeeding relationship between myself and Big Brother failed almost immediately because I had unresolved issues regarding Munchkin’s placement and breastfeeding. I had been told by the agency not to breastfeed because it would make it “too hard.”

I didn’t know that I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt because I denied her what was best (breast milk). I didn’t know that guilt would flow over and into the relationships I would have with future children. I didn’t even know that there would be guilt or any issue! I still have some anger and resentment towards myself here, that I put myself first in this particular situation and not the Munchkin’s best interest. If I had been solely concentrating on what was best for her, as everything else I was doing in the adoption plan was supposed to be geared towards, I would have realized that “hard” or not, breast milk was best. I let that unethical agency cheat me out of giving my daughter what was best. In direct connection, they also cheated my first parented child out of what was best for him by treating it like a non-issue. Had I known it would be an issue, I could have found counseling before hand, not later.

It was actually this particular issue that was a huge catalyst in my seeking out and finding my current therapist. It is only through work with her that I was able to get past some of that guilt and anger. Some! I have more to say on the subject…

but it’s time to feed this guy.