I didn’t participate in NaBloPoMo — National Blog Posting Month — at all last year. November is a full month for me with both of the boys’ birthdays, gearing up for the holidays and other busy stuff. In the past, I tried to post every single day on this blog, on our family blog and on any blog that I worked for professionally. My brain boggles at the thought.

I am participating in NaBloPoMo this year — but not here. I decided to just post every day on my family blog. I have reasons.

It comes down to this: I don’t want to to be forced to write about adoption for thirty straight days. It gets overwhelming. Especially when you factor in that the Munchkin’s birthday is in December, so November has that slippery slope aspect, leaving me sad and raw and ready to hide by the time the last day of the month rolls around.

Part of me wishes that I could separate my writing from my emotion on this blog. I mean, the point of NaBloPoMo is to, “Blog every day. Improve your writing. Grow your blog.” I want to improve my writing — especially here. I want to grow this blog. I want people to think they’re just stumbling upon another mommy blog and be side-swiped by the adoption truck. That’s the main reason that I participated with Chronicles in the past: it was a great way to get people to read about adoption who had never taken the time to consider it in the past.

I decided to take care of myself this year. I still wanted to have fun, participate and read new blogs. But I didn’t want to take on that educate-the-public role that I have in the past. I’m feeling tired of that as of late due to situations that fall into my lap without being asked, so I need some time and space to breathe.

I ramble on about this because I hope some of my adoption blogging friends (maybe some in the Open Adoption Bloggers) will take on the task of entering NaBloPoMo as an adoption blogger. It’s hard, I’ll tell you that now. But if you let me know now, I will try my hardest to stop in once every few days and encourage you in your journey. So, let me know if you’re going to be NaBloPoMo-ing on your site.

Best of luck to you if you are participating. I’ll see you around as I’ll still be there. (And yes, I’ll still post here as time allows. I always do, don’t I?)

Why I’m Not NaBloPoMo-ing Here is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I got an interesting e-mail regarding a previous post in which I stated that this adjustment period would be easier without adoption issues. By “interesting,” of course, I do mean scathing, rude and rather off base. I was accused of “wishing my daughter away” and not “cherishing her being.” I find that pretty incredible, knowing who I am and how I feel about my daughter.

My truth is that I do have a daughter, relinquished for adoption. I love her as much as either of the boys currently making my life busy. They live under my roof and do things like make laundry and big messes. She doesn’t live under my roof, true, and I don’t do her laundry or clean up her daily messes. But, gosh, I love her.

But there are days that I wish for things to be different, even just emotionally. Somedays? I’d would much rather be living in denial. There are days when I wish that I didn’t fully understand everything I have lost by placing her for adoption. There are days when I wish I was still drinking the Adoption Kool-Aid, oblivious to the grief, the loss, the unethical treatment, the lies I was told and the fact that things like that are still happening to mothers and their babies. There are days when I just want the world to switch into “Perfect Mode” so that no one feels like I do, either regarding adoption or even parenting in general. I mean, to be honest? My definition of a “Perfect World” has expanded in the past six days to include the fact that breastfeeding would ALWAYS be easy and painless for mothers so that ALL mothers could breastfeed their children without becoming OMG, SO OVERWHELMED.

But the truth remains that our reality is what it is. I make the best of it. I accept my role in the situation. I accept that since I am no longer in denial, there will be moments (days, weeks, months) of pain. I accept that I can’t have that perfect scenario that I’m dreaming of. I accept my daughter for who she is, no matter who she decides to become.

And I also accept that there will be days when I need a freaking nap.  An ice cream sundae. And a break from adoption.

End NaBloPoMo. (Expect a lull here leading up to Munchkin’s birthday.)

A Nap, A Sundae and … is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Goodness, I’m pressed for time right now. I’m sure my readers understand.

That said, I need a nap, a hug and something to take my mind off other things.

But otherwise, things are good. Just really, really … tired.

Quickly, Quickly is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

If you read the family blog, you know that I’m breastfeeding the new baby. The breastfeeding relationship between myself and Big Brother failed almost immediately because I had unresolved issues regarding Munchkin’s placement and breastfeeding. I had been told by the agency not to breastfeed because it would make it “too hard.”

I didn’t know that I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt because I denied her what was best (breast milk). I didn’t know that guilt would flow over and into the relationships I would have with future children. I didn’t even know that there would be guilt or any issue! I still have some anger and resentment towards myself here, that I put myself first in this particular situation and not the Munchkin’s best interest. If I had been solely concentrating on what was best for her, as everything else I was doing in the adoption plan was supposed to be geared towards, I would have realized that “hard” or not, breast milk was best. I let that unethical agency cheat me out of giving my daughter what was best. In direct connection, they also cheated my first parented child out of what was best for him by treating it like a non-issue. Had I known it would be an issue, I could have found counseling before hand, not later.

It was actually this particular issue that was a huge catalyst in my seeking out and finding my current therapist. It is only through work with her that I was able to get past some of that guilt and anger. Some! I have more to say on the subject…

but it’s time to feed this guy.

Some Breastfeeding Thoughts is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Can’t form coherent thoughts right now. Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe next year…

Maybe.

So Tired is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’d give anything for an extra arm and hand. Breastfeeding involves talent.

I’d give anything for the ability to have my uterus return to normal size without feeling it.

I’d give anything to adjust to this new situation without the adjustment period.

I’d give anything to figure all of this out without adoption issues looming right overhead.

I’d give anything for Munchkin hugs right now.

I’d Give Anything is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I wrote about how I felt about the Munchkin yesterday. I don’t often do this but I feel my readers would be best served by reading what I’ve written on the family blog today regarding my feelings on being the “everyday” Mama to two boys. I can’t do the topic much more justice than that, my friends.

(Disclaimer: Written in the Hospital without Internet Connection on November 25, 2007.)

Just a Link Today is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Munchkin;

You have another brother.

You will forever be the rose among the thorns.

I love you no less than I did on the second I realized you existed. I love you no less than I did on the second you entered this world. I love you no less than I love the two brothers that live under my roof and call me Mama. I love you no less than I would if you lived under that same roof.

You will forever be my firstborn.

I will always be your first mom.

I will always love you.

Love,
Munchkin’sFirstMom

(Disclaimer: Written in the Hospital without Internet Connection on November 24, 2007.)

A Letter to the Munchkin is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Okay. I have more to say on this poem. But I’m not in a place to write about it or consider it or say what it means to me. Other than I’m familiar with loss. And disaster.

So read One Art by Elizabeth Bishop. And when I’m not contracting or birthing a baby (?), we’ll talk about it further.

Can you feel your way past the tone and resonate with it? Oh, I can.

The Art of Losing is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Unless the Child In Utero gets the heck out of dodge tonight, I’m most likely going to be unable to make the trip to visit the Munchkin for her birthday. I’m pretty bummed about that. And hugely pregnant. And hormonal. And stretched to the max. And uncomfortable. And whiny. And I have a pizza face. And no one made me pumpkin pie without cinnamon (I’m allergic) this year. And since we couldn’t travel home to eat with my family (three hours from our hospital is not wise), I didn’t get any real stuffing. (Sorry, folks, but Stove Top doesn’t count.)

After being uber-thankful yesterday, I’m uber-grumpy today.

So let’s have a dance party and get this kid out, shall we, Big Brother? Okay! Go!

Children. Pfft. is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.