Open Adoption » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Open Adoption Roundtable #17

Adoption, in General, Open Adoption No Responses »

Jul 072010

Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I’ve also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?

There’s not much for me not to share with my daughter’s parents.

That said, I will not share with my daughter the series of emails someone in her family once sent me. Though, if asked, I would answer as to why I, generally, didn’t respond, or why I responded the way that I did on the few times that I hit the keyboard. I can explain myself. I cannot and will not attempt to explain the actions or thoughts of others.

But really, I’m otherwise an open book. My daughter’s mom knows things about me that most people do not. I trust her with my firstborn; surely I can trust her with my inner most secrets.

We initially had an issue, if you can call it that, when I first started blogging about adoption at a secret blog under a pseudonym. Apparently my writing style is quite evident, and she called me out almost immediately. We then had a few days where she had questions as to why I felt the need to share things secretly, and why I would say some things that I said. I answered her questions as best I could, but the truth is that I didn’t quite have the answers myself. That eventually brought me here, to this blog (first hosted on WordPress).

I know she hasn’t always had an easy time reading absolutely everything in the blog, but she hasn’t held things against me either. Similarly, I haven’t always had an easy time adjusting to things in their family, but I haven’t held those things against her.

It’s important for me to be this open with my daughter and her family. I don’t want secrets in our adoption. I don’t really believe in them, though I also don’t believe in creating an unnecessary rift in the one case I mentioned. Above secrets, I also believe in being honest about my feelings. It’s just how I work.

“She Used to Be Yours”

Adoption, in General, Open Adoption 5 Responses »

Jun 142010

We have a visit coming up in the near future. As such, my sensitivities and anxiety are both high. It’s just what happens as we near a visit. Discussions about the Munchkin and her family also swing into high gear as soon as I let my sons know that we’ll be taking a trip to visit their sister.

They always talk about her, pray for her at night. But as soon as I spill the beans that we’re going to have a visit, it’s All Munchkin, All the Time. Not a bad thing at all.

We were in our vehicle the other day, the place where all Very Important Conversations occur. Somehow the topic of babies growing in bellies came up. My oldest son informed me that both he and his brother grew in my belly. After a slight pause, he said, “And Munchkin, too.”

Me: That’s right.
BB: Because she used to be yours.
Me: *pause* Well, yes. I mean, she… uh… that’s a difficult one.
BB: It’s okay. Because she’s my sister.

And then he started talking about baseball.

There you have it. We talk about adults complicating matters. He simplified the process of adoption into one sentence. She used to be mine. Simply put. I wanted to launch into a longer explanation of how he was right in a way because she is no longer legally or physically mine. However, the emotional ties of birth parents aren’t magically severed with a name on a line. More over, we have an open adoption and because of that, I have contact with her and she knows me as her birth mother. Lastly, whether or not she is legally mine, she is and will remain my only daughter which is a very special thing in my heart.

But I didn’t launch into all of that. He understands that she grew in my belly. He understands that she is his sister. At this point, what more does he need to understand? He’ll be hearing about open adoption for the rest of his life. In fact, I expect my parented children to go through adoption burnout much like the rest of us, whether we’re blogging our experiences or not. Sometimes it just gets repetitive to think about and talk about adoption day in and day out.

We have plenty of years for respectful semantic discussions on adoption related topics.

For now, I accept his understanding even if it stings just a teeny bit.