“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.” -Albert Einstein

D has been telling me stories about the Munchkin’s imaginary friend. This friend’s name is Sarah. And she lives on another planet. The Munchkin comes up with some really outrageous, uber-imaginative stories about Sarah and her escapades. I enjoy being updated about the most recent adventures of the Munchkin and Sarah.

D and I were talking the other night. She informed me that Sarah has a birth mother. I thought that was amazing enough. But then she told me Sarah’s birth mother’s name: Janennanise. The Munchkin combined our names. I was so amused, so happy and so touched all at the same time. And then I was pretty sure that the Munchkin was a creative genius. Right? Isn’t she? I think so.

I mean, take Einstein’s quote. She’s taken her knowledge of what she knows and turned it into something of her own. I liken it to how I learn something better when I teach it. I tutored a student in Spanish once. She was in my same class but was struggling greatly. I didn’t miss an answer on any of those tests that I helped her prepare for because teaching her helped me get a better handle on the language. (I suppose it didn’t hurt that I was good with languages.)

All the same: she knows I’m her birth mother. She doesn’t view the concept of birth mother as a bad thing. And, really, that feels totally awesome. Kudos to her parents for creating an environment in which imagination is encouraged to grow and grow. Kudos indeed!

Imaginary Friends is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I step away from reading and commenting for a few weeks to do some personal healing and introspection and people lock up their blogs. What has been going on in the adoption blog world? What kinds of drama have I missed? How interesting. How saddening. Or, is it sad?

I’ve often wondered if I should lock up or shut down. Every time I consider it, I decide that’s not the route I want to go. Those are the times that you will see me very little in your blogs or on my own blog(s). As I debate with myself over right and wrong and left and right and up and down. I’ve been so busy putting my own emotional state of being back together that I’ve missed what’s been going on. I feel out of the loop…

and yet, that doesn’t seem to bother me to the point that it once might have not all that long ago.

For me, especially here on this particular blog, my point of writing has become less about this, that or the other thing and more about me, us and our story. And I think that’s why I’ve been so quiet. I don’t have much to report, add to or sort through regarding our story. Things being what they are, I don’t have anything to “chronicle” as it were. I discuss adoption issues as they stand on the birth parent blog and find this the place where I like to remain personal in our adoption journey.

I’m rambling, of course, trying to make sense of what I’m attempting to say. But this blog will be around for quite some time. Until I forget to pay a bill or something. (Last one went to my spam box! Oh noes!) I do foresee a change in what I address on this blog though. Not that I won’t be linking to vitally important issues (like this one!) but, oh, I don’t know. Perhaps I’ve just spent so much time and energy focusing on the outside world over the past two years that I was left with little room or time for myself.

And even still, I’d rather focus on my children than myself. Such is life in my heart.

(All that said and to contradict everything in this post, I’ll be addressing Juno at length tomorrow.)

A Ramble of Sorts is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

A weight lifted. Not all the way off of my shoulders exactly. I still feel overwhelmed and overtired and overstimulated and over… everything. But…

Have you ever just re-focused yourself? Reminded yourself about the ultimate goal instead of the immediate problem? I’ve been doing a lot of that over the past week or so. Not that I’ve had a lot of time to devote to myself and my healing. Motherhood, wifely-ness and writing have been demanding my focus as well. But I’ve found bits and pieces of time, just here and there, to take a look within myself. I’ve journaled on paper. I’ve thought out loud. I’ve taken walks. Granted, the walks were with the boys but one falls asleep and the other chats to himself the whole time so I can think about things but still say, “Yes, the car is red.”

I don’t feel great about everything that’s going on. I don’t know what the outcomes will be. I don’t even know what I should be doing really… except focusing on what is important. And that’s my daughter. I need to keep doing what I’m doing: writing my monthly letters, sending pictures of the boys (her brothers) and being as present as I can be. I made promises. I will keep them. And I will have faith that everything else will come together for good.

Easier said than done, I know. But tonight, my outlook is positive. I can’t guarantee that I will feel the same tomorrow. But tonight feels good in my soul.

Having an Okay Day is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

My best friend delivered a (what I have heard to be) BEAUTIFUL baby boy on Thursday evening. (The “heard to be” is assumed, of course, but my parents got to go to the hospital last night and hold the baby before me! Shucks!) I drove back to The Farm on Thursday morning, assuming that she had already delivered the baby since she was in labor at 9:30am on Wednesday morning. Wrong. Still in labor. I had to go back home without seeing the baby.

All day Thursday, I was awash with emotion. This is the best friend who was with me during Munchkin’s labor and delivery. She supported me without knowing what either of us were doing. She got up close and personal with things you don’t usually see on your best friend. She held me as I cried. She’s the one who took me out to dinner the night after I signed the TPR papers. She was there through it all even though I moved six days after birth. She continued to be there as I brought my first parented son into the world, hanging out in the labor room until it came time to push, understanding that I’d want that time with my Husband. (Truth be told, I missed her presence though the special moment with my Husband will always be treasured.) She couldn’t come to my youngest son’s birth because she was pregnant and working. But she was “there” with me.

Any time I thought about her laboring or giving birth on Thursday, tears would creep into my eyes. This woman will be the best mother ever. She already has shown that in so many ways in her life, through the way she has supported me, spoiled my children, suffered through a loss and cherished her pregnancy. I cannot begin to describe how outstandingly happy I am for her and how EXCITED I am to hold this new baby. Oh, and snap pictures because that’s what I do. It’s who I am.

It feels AWESOME to be this happy for someone when it comes to babies and my past adoption issues. It’s kind of freeing. I didn’t expect to feel anything other than elated for her as she’s just amazing but I worried I might feel something weird. And I don’t. And that’s good. Some healing has taken place even in the past few months. These are all good signs.

Now I need to run to the store before we get ready to drive back to The Farm today. My best friend and her silly Husband decided not to find out the gender of the baby until HE was born so now I am present-less! Have to go find something cute for the new addition!

Babies is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

It’s 2:30 in the morning. I’m awake. Writing. Any other writer in the world knows. Any other mother in the world knows. It’s not a good night.

I’m feeling nostalgic. Pent up. I need to get it out, say it out loud. But I don’t know what it is. I can’t find an appropriate song on my iTunes. I can’t find anyone to talk to. I can’t make myself go to bed. Or fold the laundry. Or read. Or catch up on blogs. I’m sitting. Unmoving. I can’t go forward and I sure as heck don’t want to go backwards.

I’m stuck.

I’ve been needing to reschedule an appointment with my therapist for… weeks now. I can’t do it. I don’t want to say the words that need to be said. I don’t want to discuss issues that need to be discussed. I’m tired of words like adoption and health and pregnancy and vasectomy and fertility and infertility and loss and grief and postpartum depression and anxiety and medication and relaxation techniques and loneliness and fear. I want to write happy words into my life and just have them “be.” I don’t want to work at them or try or put any effort into happiness or peace or ease. I just want them to appear.

Alas, just “dumping” this on my blog has given me a smidgen of peace. I feel some sleep creeping into the corner of my eyes. I’m sure one or both boys will be up in less than four hours. And tomorrow there will be a great price to pay. But sometimes you just need to stay up late and let the thoughts run their course… or sleep won’t be beneficial anyway. Sometimes I stay awake just to avoid the dreams.

Go to bed, Munchkin’sFirstMom. Go to bed.

The Weight is Heavy is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’m not ignoring adoption. Or, I kind of am but it’s not intentional. Things are just kind of crazy.

In some not-so-hot ways. And in some good ways.

Like? Today? I took both boys for their first ever walk together in the double stroller. (The Mei Tai came with us just in case one or the other became anti-stroller in the midst of our 1.5 mile walk.) We’ve also been coloring a lot. I’ve taken on some new responsibilities at church. And I’ve actually made a few new real life friends. Add in the plans for my brother’s wedding this summer, potty training drama and constant breastfeeding and, well, my plate is full.

I’ve been contemplating a lot of things lately. Adoption and non-adoption. I’ve been waiting to discuss things in length, those that can be in the public venue, until after another appointment with my awesome therapist. I need to bounce a few things off of her before I say what I feel is on my heart and mind.

That said, I’ve been keeping “up” with one of my adoption-related goals for the year. I mailed out St. Patrick’s Day cards to JD and the Munchkin this past week. Munchkin’s card also had a special letter from me and two pictures of the boys for her to keep. It feels good to keep up with that. The letters don’t say much, just what we’re all up to and that I love her. But I think it’s “age appropriate,” ya know?

Husband and I are having one night to ourselves on Saturday. I need a small break from all of “this.” My parented children included. I need a night to just breathe. Or sleep. Mainly just sleep. Breathing is overrated. Really.

When Real Life Over Shadows Everything Else is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I sent some pictures off to CVS to be printed. I normally print and ship via Shutterfly but I had some free prints from CVS so I took advantage. It’s the pick-up-in-store variety. So someone gets to ogle my family as they stuff the memories into an envelope.

Obviously, I printed a bagillion of the boys. But I also printed two pictures of the Munchkin. And I’m wondering what the printer person was thinking. Because I had about 40 pictures of these two boys. And then two of a girl. In a different house. With different people. Do they think she’s just a random girl? Do they think she’s a cousin? Or a friend’s daughter? Do they even care?

When I pick them up, I want to say, “Ah, yes, pictures of my three kids.” Chances are that the cashier won’t be the same person that stuffed the pictures into an envelope. But I want to brag, really. All of my children are absolutely beautiful.

This rambly post was brought to you by the Blizzard of 2008 which has made me unable to get to the store to pick up the said pictures… and has left me thinking about them non-stop! I threw in two pictures of the Munchkin specifically to update the picture on my fridge and the frame in our bedroom. And now I can’t update them because of the eight inches (and falling) of snow outside. I’m impatient! Want to update! Now!

What Do People Think? is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I’m not ignoring this blog. Or your adoption-content-related blog. I’m just quiet right now.

There are times that I feel as if I have nothing to offer. There are other times where I feel like I have so much to offer but no one is listening and/or caring and, so, what’s the use? Currently, I am vascilating between these two polar opposites. It’s a strange duality, really.

No one in particular has lead me to this point. I think it’s internal, not a result of specific discussion or argument. In fact, I think part of my problem is that I have so much to say and yet, as of right now, I cannot find the proper words to form coherent thoughts. Some of the words are angry. Some are sad. And I’ve got random joy mixed in there that makes all of that other stuff even harder to understand. I never know how I’m supposed to feel or react.

Therapy on Wednesday. Perhaps I’ll make some sense of this swirling mess.

Quiet Right Now is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I got an interesting e-mail regarding a previous post in which I stated that this adjustment period would be easier without adoption issues. By “interesting,” of course, I do mean scathing, rude and rather off base. I was accused of “wishing my daughter away” and not “cherishing her being.” I find that pretty incredible, knowing who I am and how I feel about my daughter.

My truth is that I do have a daughter, relinquished for adoption. I love her as much as either of the boys currently making my life busy. They live under my roof and do things like make laundry and big messes. She doesn’t live under my roof, true, and I don’t do her laundry or clean up her daily messes. But, gosh, I love her.

But there are days that I wish for things to be different, even just emotionally. Somedays? I’d would much rather be living in denial. There are days when I wish that I didn’t fully understand everything I have lost by placing her for adoption. There are days when I wish I was still drinking the Adoption Kool-Aid, oblivious to the grief, the loss, the unethical treatment, the lies I was told and the fact that things like that are still happening to mothers and their babies. There are days when I just want the world to switch into “Perfect Mode” so that no one feels like I do, either regarding adoption or even parenting in general. I mean, to be honest? My definition of a “Perfect World” has expanded in the past six days to include the fact that breastfeeding would ALWAYS be easy and painless for mothers so that ALL mothers could breastfeed their children without becoming OMG, SO OVERWHELMED.

But the truth remains that our reality is what it is. I make the best of it. I accept my role in the situation. I accept that since I am no longer in denial, there will be moments (days, weeks, months) of pain. I accept that I can’t have that perfect scenario that I’m dreaming of. I accept my daughter for who she is, no matter who she decides to become.

And I also accept that there will be days when I need a freaking nap.  An ice cream sundae. And a break from adoption.

End NaBloPoMo. (Expect a lull here leading up to Munchkin’s birthday.)

A Nap, A Sundae and … is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Goodness, I’m pressed for time right now. I’m sure my readers understand.

That said, I need a nap, a hug and something to take my mind off other things.

But otherwise, things are good. Just really, really … tired.

Quickly, Quickly is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.