Yep. Cutest and smartest.

Nope. Not biased at all.

(And for those wondering about me, I’m doing “fine.” Obviously, as you can figure from the picture here, D took the time to share some pictures with me tonight, including a shot of her uber-cool shoes. I got to hear the stories. And I was proud. On our household end, BigBrother kept me busy with the transition from crib-to-toddler-bed. Life doesn’t slow down much, does it? I did indulge in a chocolate ice cream bar this evening. And earlier? My Husband brought me a Milky Way. He knows me or something.)

Whaddya think?

It’s true that Munchkin’s biological father can’t make the face either (though was amusing in his attempts). So, I’d say that BigBrother has a 50/50 shot at being able to make it. We’ll just have to wait and see.

That said: I love my Husband.

to this:

In a two day span.

Don’t let the smile in the second one confuse you: it’s totally snow-induced. My current frame of mind is more evident in the first picture. Dark, somewhat brooding, somewhat red. All of that said, I told a group of women that I barely know that I’m a birth mom today.

How do I feel about it?

See first picture.

And then I broke down in a fit of sobbing messiness.

She’s not there. She’s just. not. there. She’s missing. While it may seem like the three people complete the picture in a family type way, there’s one person missing. Two if you want to get further technical. It really just stung me. This is the first portraits we’ve had done as a family. Yes, we’ve had some snapshots taken by friends and family of the three of us, but nothing “professional.” This picture, purchased in a 10×13, will hang on our wall for all to see.

And every single time I look at it, I won’t see the fact that whitening my teeth the night before was a good decision. I won’t see how much BigBrother is starting to look like J. I’ll see the missing girl.

And so, part because I was bored and like to play with graphics and part home-remedy therapy, I fixed it. Of course, the size proportion is off. The coloring isn’t the same though I tried to mess with brightness and contrast to get the same studio effect on the lighting. It was the best I could do.

But she’s there. Just like she is in my heart.

It was the visit that dreams are made of; the kind of visit that agencies tell expectant Mothers that they will get to have and, sadly, it just doesn’t happen for the most part. We bonded on this trip. She grabbed my hand and took me places. She told me she loved me. She asked for me when I wasn’t visible and after I left. She gave me good morning and goodnight kisses. She was never weird, as in stranger danger, with me or with Baby BigBrother, as she called him the entire time… except for once when she called him My Baby BigBrother and Sweetheart. While she’s never been strange with me, she’s been wary for the first day or two, staying close to Mommy and Daddy. She laid on my chest. She sat on my lap. She held my hand. She petted my hair. She made me feel important. She made me feel loved. She brought me some more of the peace that I have been needing.

Needless to say, this visit was much better than the last time. I feel no need for a break. In fact, if I could go visit again next weekend, I would. In a heartbeat. Some other great things were spending so much alone time with D. Since all three children are, for the most part, sleeping through the night now, D and I got to take walks at night and just spend some alone time together as friends. I felt that we bonded on new levels as well. We asked each other some harder questions and were honest with each other. It was good for the two of us to have that time; it was a bit of healing after a not-so-good visit right after BigBrother and JD were born. I’ve decided that firstparents should wait until their newborns are sleeping through the night to have a visit with their child’s family. Sleep deprivation and raging, changing hormones aren’t conducive to easy visits.

There are things from this visit that I hope stay with me long after Munchkin has blessed the family with children and grandchildren. Beyond that, J told his paternal side of the family about Munchkin. I can now put pictures of her wherever I want. I can now say that my Son has a sister.

I now feel complete.

Jenna: How long has he been asleep.

J: Oh, two hours.

I love to have my baby sleep in my arms. There's something calming about his regular breathing. There's something just overall peaceful about his facial features. The best? When he giggles in his sleep. Perhaps he's dreaming about fun days to come. Or his Daddy's silly faces. Or his crazy sister Munchkin.

I've been blessed with a few naps with Munchkin. After her first birthday party, which was a doozy, I was holding her while sitting on J and D's couch. It was the kind of chest to chest hold in which her legs were wrapped around me and her head rested somewhere near my collarbone. She fell asleep. I will forever remember that moment. It had been a long exhausting and emotionally overwhelming day for me and to have her fall asleep on me as if it was the most natural thing in the world… well, there's no comparison for that feeling.

We've "napped" one other time. When they came out to visit for New Years just after BigBrother and JD were born, Munchkin took a nap in my bed. I heard her start to stir and went in to cuddle with her. She was all ready half awake and, bless her, she wasn't into making eye contact yet. She still slept with a binky and, strangely, while awake, she always held the other binky to her nose. *shrugs* She was bound to be slightly weird if not totally strange coming from me.

Maybe someday I'll get to nap with both of my kids. But, since kids don't sleep at the same time, that's doubtful.

A picture, since you can't see her face but you can see my emotion.

Besides the video that made me sob, D and J sent a completely awesome gift. More awesome than flowers (which is hard to do because I'm a flower lover). It's so awesome because it shows, on many levels, how attuned we all are to one another.

If you didn't know, I have a tattoo. (Well, I have two but I'm speaking of one right now.) I got a celtic knot to symbolize the adoption triad. It symbolizes "forever," which is fitting since the saying between me and the Munchkin is "Forever In My Heart." I placed a lot of time and thought into what tattoo I would get to honor my daughter. It's placed in the middle of my lower back, directly accross my spine. I wrote the following shortly after getting inked:

Funny that all of the physical and emotional pain involved in the adoption decision, complicated pregnancy, and birthing process was culminated today by a tattoo being drawn on my spine. Man. Ow. Fitting though.

Written April 17, 2004.

I knew, even before she was physically in my arms, that I would get a tattoo to honor her. Even before I decided to investigate adoption, I wanted something symbolizing this child forever on my body. Yes, she gave me a few stretchmarks (not nearly as many as BigBrother) but there's just something about needle, ink and skin that makes something… real, permanent and visible. By getting this tattooed onto my skin, she was forever tangible, even when she was placed in the arms of another. She is forever with me, both in my heart, which you can't see, and on my skin for the world to view.

That summer, J got the same tattoo on his arm while visiting us here in Ohio. D is technically supposed to get one but she's a bit scared of the needle. Someday! So, what's all this have to do with this post?

I received a package about the size of a shoe box from the FedEx man today. I wasn't expecting anything. D (er, Munchkin) had sent a Mother's Day card with Munchkin's handprint and "signature" which was more than enough for me. The card was worded perfect:

Outside: Remembering you on Mother's Day because you play such a special part in my life…

Inside: …and you have such a warm spot in my heart. Happy Mother's Day.

Yeah, weep inducing. I'm rambling again! ANYWAY, I open the packaging and get to a cardboard box. Taped. I get the knife out and remove the tape. There's a small velvet bag inside a plastic bag. Remove the plastic. Untie the knot. Remove a smaller box inside the velvet bag. J says, "Ya know, that's an awful lot of packaging for such a small thing." I'm thinking the same thing but in a rush to see what is waiting for me.

It's simply beautiful. (I love silver things! Shiny!) Best part? It's a BOOKMARK! WEEEEE! If you know me, you know my love of books. The card explains the knot:

Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people.

So, it's dead on minus the two people. It's three people in this situation, but, ya know, details. Never-ending love. Check. No beginning. Check. No end. Check. Infinity. Check. Bonded. Check! Could they have found a more perfect gift? I think not. And so, I cried, of course, as I'm still overwhelmed, raw and just completely emotionally wrought.

Now, if my knot wasn't "upside down" in comparison to my gift, I would get a heart around it like they have done. However, I don't believe my knot is upside down. I positioned it with the singular point at the top and the two at the bottom because the child, our Munchkin, is the focal point, the high point and the concentration of our triad. She is the reason that we come together as we do.

She is my reason in general.

Besides the video that made me sob, D and J sent a completely awesome gift. More awesome than flowers (which is hard to do because I'm a flower lover). It's so awesome because it shows, on many levels, how attuned we all are to one another.

If you didn't know, I have a tattoo. (Well, I have two but I'm speaking of one right now.) I got a celtic knot to symbolize the adoption triad. It symbolizes "forever," which is fitting since the saying between me and the Munchkin is "Forever In My Heart." I placed a lot of time and thought into what tattoo I would get to honor my daughter. It's placed in the middle of my lower back, directly accross my spine. I wrote the following shortly after getting inked:

Funny that all of the physical and emotional pain involved in the adoption decision, complicated pregnancy, and birthing process was culminated today by a tattoo being drawn on my spine. Man. Ow. Fitting though.

Written April 17, 2004.

I knew, even before she was physically in my arms, that I would get a tattoo to honor her. Even before I decided to investigate adoption, I wanted something symbolizing this child forever on my body. Yes, she gave me a few stretchmarks (not nearly as many as BigBrother) but there's just something about needle, ink and skin that makes something… real, permanent and visible. By getting this tattooed onto my skin, she was forever tangible, even when she was placed in the arms of another. She is forever with me, both in my heart, which you can't see, and on my skin for the world to view.

That summer, J got the same tattoo on his arm while visiting us here in Ohio. D is technically supposed to get one but she's a bit scared of the needle. Someday! So, what's all this have to do with this post?

I received a package about the size of a shoe box from the FedEx man today. I wasn't expecting anything. D (er, Munchkin) had sent a Mother's Day card with Munchkin's handprint and "signature" which was more than enough for me. The card was worded perfect:

Outside: Remembering you on Mother's Day because you play such a special part in my life…

Inside: …and you have such a warm spot in my heart. Happy Mother's Day.

Yeah, weep inducing. I'm rambling again! ANYWAY, I open the packaging and get to a cardboard box. Taped. I get the knife out and remove the tape. There's a small velvet bag inside a plastic bag. Remove the plastic. Untie the knot. Remove a smaller box inside the velvet bag. TheHusbandMan says, "Ya know, that's an awful lot of packaging for such a small thing." I'm thinking the same thing but in a rush to see what is waiting for me.

It's simply beautiful. (I love silver things! Shiny!) Best part? It's a BOOKMARK! WEEEEE! If you know me, you know my love of books. The card explains the knot:

Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people.

So, it's dead on minus the two people. It's three people in this situation, but, ya know, details. Never-ending love. Check. No beginning. Check. No end. Check. Infinity. Check. Bonded. Check! Could they have found a more perfect gift? I think not. And so, I cried, of course, as I'm still overwhelmed, raw and just completely emotionally wrought.

Now, if my knot wasn't "upside down" in comparison to my gift, I would get a heart around it like they have done. However, I don't believe my knot is upside down. I positioned it with the singular point at the top and the two at the bottom because the child, our Munchkin, is the focal point, the high point and the concentration of our triad. She is the reason that we come together as we do.

She is my reason in general.

But do you know what stinks? I don't have any uber-cool pictures of me and the Munchkin like I do of me and the TurkeyKid. This is not to say I don't have pictures of the two of us: I do! I do! Lots of pictures of us playing. A bunch of posed, smiling ones. A few impromptu, cool ones (picking flowers in the park and her sleeping on my chest after her first birthday party both come to mind). But, I didn't take them. Right now, my favorite thing to do is to take pictures of myself with BigBrother. That sounds weird, but, it's what I enjoy doing right now. Here's two fun ones from yesterday's "Outside Fest."

Now, one shouldn't be too picky. I'm lucky to have pictures of myself and Munchkin. I treasure each and every last one of them. I wish I could wallpaper the third bedroom with them, over and over. But that might be weird. ;) And perhaps that's why I'm in this phase of taking pictures of me and BigBrother; because I don't get to play artsy-fartsy photographer with my firstborn. Anyway, I'm rambling. It's raining and I miss my Munchkin. Sending her love across the miles.

PS – Second picture? That blanket (which has way fun stuff on the other side as well) is four days from being twenty-five years old. 

I love this picture. The light. My paleness. The peaceful, somber look on my serious little boy. I love him. I love us.