I was looking through my old babywearing photos for Steph earlier this week when I came across this previously unposted gem.

[broken code]

Munchkin was three days away from turning three. We were showing another friend how to use her Mei Tai Carrier (which remains my all-time favorite carrier).

I look at that photo and I’m … happy. Wearing my boys was one of my favorite things about being an everyday mom. I loved having them close, feeling their hearts beat against mine. When they snuggled in against my chest and fell asleep, a peace washed over me. Wearing the Munchkin the few times that I did was an equally peaceful situation.

I just love the look on her face.

I look slightly — exhausted — because I was dealing with this:

All by myself as my husband didn’t come with us. I think I have less lines under my eyes now, five years later. I also like myself more now, so there’s that.

All in all, it was lovely to come across that picture and remember and feel that joy that comes with being so close to the Munchkin at times. I savor those moments and those memories to make up for the times in between. My memory tank is getting low, but thankfully we have another visit coming up in less than a month. I hope to get some good pictures to help fill the next tank.

Though I can tell you this: I won’t have a picture of me wearing her in a carrier. She’s too tall, I’m too short and my back can’t even carry my youngest son right now. I’ll settle for smiling next to one another.

Close to My Heart is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

The pictures I have that show me with the Munchkin are limited. There are various reasons:

• While on a visit, we’re so consumed with playing and laughing and doing things together, I sometimes forget to have my camera attached to my face. Shocking, I know.
• When I do have my camera attached to my eye, usually on the last day or next to last day, I’m usually trying to capture the boys with their sister.
• It’s the reality of the mommy photographer.
• Uh, I like being behind the camera. I feel safe there.

But I remember, eventually, that I need to document the two of us together. What we look like on any given visit. I like bopping back through albums and seeing us together. Us together. That’s important to me. To have a visual representation of time spent together. To print out and hang up until the next visit. To share with friends and family and say, “Yes, that’s her. And me. Together.”

I’ve realized that I don’t always share them here. I get caught up in how I look and forget how to Own My Beauty and all that jazz. So, enough of that. (Though, note: Yes, I was that pink looking. In the scramble to get four kids in the pool — with my bad back — I forgot to sunblock-ify myself. Whoops!)

This is what we look like.

[broken code]

This is what love looks like.

What We Look Like is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

It’s not always easy to play as a foursome. It actually works best when they break up and play two-on-two; JD with LB and Munchkin with BB. Or, all three boys can play. Or my sons can play with Munchkin. But that foursome results in someone being left out; because he’s the youngest, or because he doesn’t have the lemon Popsicle, or because she’s a girl. They really did okay. But it’s trying for them at times.

And our ears.

But it’s good at the same time. And hard for my heart. I’ve been already hearing the “I wish we could live here” or “I wish Munchkin lived next to us” type stuff that started after our last visit. And we don’t even leave until tomorrow morning. It’s just hard.

At least I have cute pictures of the lot of them to look at over the next few months when it all feels like too much to handle. Because it will, here and there. And I’ll just make the best of it, as I always do.

Four is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Mmhmm. She’s the most beautiful little girl on the planet. I’m not the only one who thinks so, either! And, for those wondering, her first day went smashingly. She made a sunshine picture and, unlike the rest of the kids in the class, she was overly careful (ahem) to make sure that the rays went the whole way around the sun.

Yep. Cutest and smartest.

Nope. Not biased at all.

(And for those wondering about me, I’m doing “fine.” Obviously, as you can figure from the picture here, D took the time to share some pictures with me tonight, including a shot of her uber-cool shoes. I got to hear the stories. And I was proud. On our household end, BigBrother kept me busy with the transition from crib-to-toddler-bed. Life doesn’t slow down much, does it? I did indulge in a chocolate ice cream bar this evening. And earlier? My Husband brought me a Milky Way. He knows me or something.)

There She Grows is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

My previous post about nature vs. nurture inspired some to make faces at work. As TheHusbandMan was away during the posting time, I didn’t have him around to make myself laugh when he tried to make the face. When he got home and I caught him up on pictures, including Munchkin’s successful face morphing, we decided to take a picture together to see if BigBrother has a shot at being able to make the facial expression.

Whaddya think?

(Pic removed. Email me to see the funny face.)

It’s true that Munchkin’s biological father can’t make the face either (though was amusing in his attempts). So, I’d say that BigBrother has a 50/50 shot at being able to make it. We’ll just have to wait and see.

That said: I love my Husband.

On a Lighter Note: More Genetics is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Protected: I Just Want to Curl Up Inside of Myself is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Protected: Family Pictures Not Taken is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Protected: The Visit Dreams are Made Of is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Protected: Naptime is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I'm still reveling (wallowing?) in Mother's Day induced grief and emotional rawness. I'm trying to get over this hump, but, as every year, it's a big one. Thankfully I have a wonderful trip to the therapist on Thursday. (Note sarcasm.) It's not that I don't love my therapist; I do. I'm just raw right now. Talking, out loud, will be hard. Maybe we could sit in the same room and type to one another. Now that would be rad. Moving on…

Besides the video that made me sob, D and J sent a completely awesome gift. More awesome than flowers (which is hard to do because I'm a flower lover). It's so awesome because it shows, on many levels, how attuned we all are to one another.

If you didn't know, I have a tattoo. (Well, I have two but I'm speaking of one right now.) I got a celtic knot to symbolize the adoption triad. It symbolizes "forever," which is fitting since the saying between me and the Munchkin is "Forever In My Heart." I placed a lot of time and thought into what tattoo I would get to honor my daughter. It's placed in the middle of my lower back, directly accross my spine. I wrote the following shortly after getting inked:

Funny that all of the physical and emotional pain involved in the adoption decision, complicated pregnancy, and birthing process was culminated today by a tattoo being drawn on my spine. Man. Ow. Fitting though.

Written April 17, 2004.

I knew, even before she was physically in my arms, that I would get a tattoo to honor her. Even before I decided to investigate adoption, I wanted something symbolizing this child forever on my body. Yes, she gave me a few stretchmarks (not nearly as many as BigBrother) but there's just something about needle, ink and skin that makes something… real, permanent and visible. By getting this tattooed onto my skin, she was forever tangible, even when she was placed in the arms of another. She is forever with me, both in my heart, which you can't see, and on my skin for the world to view.

That summer, J got the same tattoo on his arm while visiting us here in Ohio. D is technically supposed to get one but she's a bit scared of the needle. Someday! So, what's all this have to do with this post?

I received a package about the size of a shoe box from the FedEx man today. I wasn't expecting anything. D (er, Munchkin) had sent a Mother's Day card with Munchkin's handprint and "signature" which was more than enough for me. The card was worded perfect:

Outside: Remembering you on Mother's Day because you play such a special part in my life…

Inside: …and you have such a warm spot in my heart. Happy Mother's Day.

Yeah, weep inducing. I'm rambling again! ANYWAY, I open the packaging and get to a cardboard box. Taped. I get the knife out and remove the tape. There's a small velvet bag inside a plastic bag. Remove the plastic. Untie the knot. Remove a smaller box inside the velvet bag. TheHusbandMan says, "Ya know, that's an awful lot of packaging for such a small thing." I'm thinking the same thing but in a rush to see what is waiting for me.

It's simply beautiful. (I love silver things! Shiny!) Best part? It's a BOOKMARK! WEEEEE! If you know me, you know my love of books. The card explains the knot:

Celtic symbol of Never-ending Love, with no beginning and no end, this Celtic Knot represents infinity and the unending love that binds two people.

So, it's dead on minus the two people. It's three people in this situation, but, ya know, details. Never-ending love. Check. No beginning. Check. No end. Check. Infinity. Check. Bonded. Check! Could they have found a more perfect gift? I think not. And so, I cried, of course, as I'm still overwhelmed, raw and just completely emotionally wrought.

Now, if my knot wasn't "upside down" in comparison to my gift, I would get a heart around it like they have done. However, I don't believe my knot is upside down. I positioned it with the singular point at the top and the two at the bottom because the child, our Munchkin, is the focal point, the high point and the concentration of our triad. She is the reason that we come together as we do.

She is my reason in general.

Mother’s Day Gifts, Tattoos and Tears is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.