Politics » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

No One Cares

Adoption, in General, Ethics in Adoption, Motherhood, Politics 16 Responses »

Sep 052008

I understand when Ultra-Right-Wing Conservatives don’t give a rip about the horror stories that birth mothers are living through on a day-to-day basis. I understand when they don’t want to hear about our plight, our hardship and our push for reform. I understand that they have a skewed view of what opening adoptees records will do to adoption. I understand that their one-sided view of the abortion topic totally renders their ability to look at adoption without rose-colored glasses impossible.

But I hate when so-called liberals tout adoption as the “easy answer.”

I was reading an extremely well-written post over at Momocrats. It’s a place that I’ve been feeling that I “belong” and “fit in” because my views have been expressed not only by posts but by comments from like-minded individuals. And then today happened. And I feel, once again, like no one on Earth is ever going to care about reforming adoption. I am frustrated. I am angry. And I am tired of being alone.

The very first comment on the thread made my head explode and my heart cry:

I also wonder why the immediate kneejerk solution is marriage to the father. I would think for those who are pro life and find themselves pregnant, an open adoption is an excellent option.

But that probably isn’t an option for someone who is in the public spotlight like this – not with the whole family values thing.

There are so many families all over the world who desperately want a baby but are unable to have one. In the US a lot of these families end up going overseas to adopt.

In my opinion, it is a great shame that adoption is not promoted more as an option for teenagers who find themselves to be pregnant.

First and foremost, “open” adoption is not a bandaid for the grief and loss experienced by birth mothers. It’s just not. You can dress it up all pretty with nice words. You can try to make it sound like a great solution. I’m sure that commenter doesn’t even know that open adoptions are not legally binding in all states, only causing a huge crisis in our country of birth mothers who have lived through the immediate horror of relinquishment and then forced to live through another severing of their lives with their child. It’s an epidemic as of late! But, hi, the NY Times hit on the reason that attitude bothered me just today in an article about Virtual Twinning and adoption:

“Adoption should be about finding families for children, not about finding children for families,” she said. “In many cases parents are doing this without understanding what the ramifications are. I think it’s fine to do it if people are well aware that doing it may be very difficult.”

But even my own like-minded people don’t view adoption in that way. It’s about giving babies to families who want them. Bristol’s child is not unwanted, folks. Unexpected? Totally. Unplanned? Yes. Scaring Mom and Grandma out of their minds? 100% sure that’s the case. But I’m pretty darn sure that baby is very much wanted at this point. How am I pretty darn sure? Seek out blogs by other birth mothers and find me one who says, “Nah, I didn’t want my kid so I gave him up.” You’ll be hard pressed to find one. (For reference: I’m not talking of children who were removed from abusive homes.)

I don’t even want to talk about “promoting” adoption to teens. The ethical implications of “birth parent” “marketing” really make me ill. Until you have been solicited by an agency on a Social Media site, don’t talk to me about “birth parent” “marketing” and promoting adoption to our “teens.”

The comment above made me cry, folks. Sometimes I feel like all the work I do is in vain. Is no one hearing me? Is no one listening? Or do they simply just not care? Will adoption always be touted as the “answer” to the “abortion problem” or is anyone going to stand up and do something? Am I always going to be ostracized by political candidates who don’t understand or even know about the issues that I face? Neither Obama nor McCain care about adoptees rights or ethical counseling for expectant parents considering relinqiushment or how adoptive parents can close an open adoption without reason or recourse for the birth family. No one cares!

And it’s getting really tiring to realize, over and over, that no one in power gives a flying Fig Newton about the experience you have lived or the changes you wish to make. It’s getting really, really hard to continue to have faith in hope and change at all, no matter who is elected. I want my daughter to have access to her birth certificate. I want future birt mothers and birth fathers to be treated with respect. I want future adoptive parents to be counseled on the true trials in open adoptions. I want unethical adoption agencies to be held accountable. I want someone to stand up and say, “SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS!”

But no one cares. Not even people I identify with. Ostracized for another election. When will it end?

(Of note: I do not vote single issue for candidates. If I did, I wouldn’t ever have anyone to vote for. I will still be voting for who I believe is the lesser of the two evils when it comes to this topic and many, many others. But I’m just tired of being ignored.)

What if the Election Was Being Run on Fathers’ Rights?

Adoption Reform, Adoption, in General, Fathers in Adoption, Politics 6 Responses »

Sep 032008

I love my twitter friends right now. I’ve got liberals. I’ve got conservatives. I’ve got people trying to make us talk about anything other than politics. Like puppies! But, as a woman and mother totally fed up with how our country is handling certain things right now, the political back-and-forth is really piquing my attention.

Lisa Stone, tweeting for @BlogHer today, retweeted this question from @pattidigh ,

looking forward to the day when the nation debates a candidate’s choices as a father.

Can I get an amen? (BlogHer “AMEN-ed” it in her retweet.) I knew nothing about pattidigh prior to starting my click throughs from twitter to her blog. Apparently she’s got a book coming out. And her blog subject is really quite interesting. (In fact, I just subscribed.) I’m not so sure how this blogger and author hit the nail on the head with what I’ve been thinking over the past few days, but, well, she did!

You can bebop all over the internet to find posts about a woman’s right to choose, the arguments for or against and commentary on whether Palin’s daughter was really offered choice. But, just like there’s no discussion on the current adoptee fight for the Original Birth Certificates, there’s no discussion of father’s rights. More specifically, there’s no discussion of the ethics (or, rather, lack thereof) behind putative father registries.

In fact, I know readers that just popped in here that have no attachment to adoption just said, “Putative what?”

The vast majority of people in our country have no knowledge of putative father registries and why they are so damning to fathers. To explain, a “putative father” is “a man who may be a child’s father, but who was not married to the child’s mother before the child was born and has not established that he is the father in a court proceeding.” To put this simply, a putative father is a man who has had sex with a woman to whom he has not married. No, seriously. That’s how the putative father registries are working.

And example. Jane and John are dating but not married. Their relationship is physical. They break up. She finds out a month or so later that she is pregnant. She doesn’t tell John. She also doesn’t name him on the birth certificate and places their baby for adoption. He finds out only after a friend runs into her, months later. He has no recourse because he lives in a state (like Ohio) that has a Putative Father Registry. Since he did not sign the registry upon having sex with Jane, he has no rights to the child that was born.

Crazy, right? Follow this very interesting series by a law student in Ohio. To best sum it up:

“Does that mean that to ensure full protection of his rights, an unwed man must sign the registry every time he has sex with a new partner?” I asked the Professor.

The professor didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

Nothing is being done to help fathers whose rights are being trampled upon by unethical agencies, attorneys and mothers who are aware of this little Fathers Don’t Matter clause. In fact, if you read Cody’s story, you find out that certain agencies and mothers (unethical ones, anyway) are willing to go out of their way (and out of their states) to make sure that fathers dont’ have rights. Sadly, Cody’s story isn’t unique. You can read about other cases and stories here. It seems that fathers who have been wronged in this manner are joining forces. Yet, no one listens. Or even knows about their stories. Or their plight. Or how it can happen to your sons.

But both Presidential candidates want to make it easier to adopt. No one has said one word about looking into the unethical practices of adoption as they currently exist. No one has mentioned stories like Cody’s and how putative father registries which, when written about in mainstream media, are supposed to “protect” father’s rights are only serving to harm these same fathers. No one has mentioned a word about the adoptees fighting for their birth certificates. No one has mentioned the unethical agencies who are preying on young, pregnant mothers. No one has mentioned how easy it remains for adoptive parents to be scammed as we’re still in a system that allows potential families to pay for things, above or under the table. No one has mentioned anything other than “making it easier.” (Then again, with McCain’s unethical adoption, that doesn’t surprise me.)

Fathers do have rights. Fathers should have rights. I’m not going to get into an abortion debate on this one as its out of my league. Instead, and especially when it comes down to adoption, fathers are getting the short end of the stick. They are told, point blank, that they don’t matter enough.

When America starts discussing this over their supper tables (and not just Americans touched by adoption), I will know we have finally made some progress. Until then, be sure to check the laws in your state and remind your sexually active sons to register each and every time they have sex with a female. (Eight states don’t acccept ignorance of the child’s existence as an excuse.) Your hypothetical grandchild, at this point, depends on it.

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