Post-Placement » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Post-Placement Parenting Conversations Are Better After Much More Coffee

Adoption, in General, Parenting, Post-Placement 2 Responses »

Mar 302011

It was early one morning. BigBrother was at the table, eating his breakfast. His brother was still snoozing in his bedroom, the deeper, longer sleeper of the two. I was blinking at my coffee cup, wondering how morning had arrived so quickly. Again.

“Can we go to Munchkin’s house?”

I choked on my coffee. “Well, yeah, Buddy. Soon.”

“Good. Because I miss her.”

I choked on my coffee again. It was too early for post-placement parenting guilt and grief. I hadn’t even swallowed three consecutive sips of coffee yet. Surely my oldest son couldn’t expect me to think about and deal with thoughts about how his sister’s relinquishment has affected his reality.

“Me too, Buddy.”

Three days later, on the way to preschool with just enough coffee ingested to maneuver the mile long drive to school in the pouring rain, LittleBrother piped up from his car seat.

“Mommy, I want to go to Munchkin’s new house.”

I swerved a bit. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. We haven’t seen her in so long. I miss her.”

I sighed. “I miss her too, Bubba.”

These two conversations happened without knowledge that the other had happened. I find it interesting that they’re both expressing the fact that they miss their sister independent of the other. Normally LittleBrother will parrot what BigBrother said, but he wasn’t present for the first conversation. This was of his own accord. Considering that, being the younger brother, he has had less exposure and time with his sister in general, I’m feeling kind of caught off guard by his request a bit more than his older brother’s early morning, coffee-snort-inducing comments.

We are going soon. In April. I’m excited, though typing that sentence — “We are going soon.” — makes my stomach flip and flop and generally drop. So much emotion is involved in the process of a visit, from the getting ready to the thick of visiting to the leaving. It’s very difficult for me to stay centered and focused when the high emotional level makes me want to shut down. So, if I seem quiet or shut down in the upcoming weeks (and weeks following the visit), it’s just my normal reaction.

Un-Quiet and All Riled Up

Open Adoption, Post-Placement, Stupid, Stupid People 7 Responses »

Jan 082008

Remember when I said I was feeling quiet? Just yesterday? Well, apparently no one had sufficiently riled me up as of late. No one had pressed those buttons. And nothing does it more than telling me that I have no bond with my placed child.

In today’s post about post-adoption contact agreements over at the birth-first parent blog, I covered Rhode Island’s laws. Rhode Island has a rather forward-thinking set of laws, making room for modification and legal enforcement as well as differentiating between and including both voluntary relinquishments and state terminated rights. I gave them a big thumbs up. And then my favorite anti-openness commenter leaves this lame comment on the blog:

“The court finds there is significant emotional attachment between the child and the birth parent.” Wouldn’t that clause prevent agreements in infant adoption? It almost sounds like they are intending to allow agreements for every type of adoption except infant adoptions.

Can you hear my eyes rolling? I should know better, really, than to let this particular commenter bug me the least little bit as he is known anti-openness, anti-birth parent individual. However, as I’m just getting back into the blogging swing over there since having, ya know, a baby, I may be slightly sensitive. Especially since, ya know, in the process of having a baby, I’m reminded all too much HOW MUCH BOND A MOTHER HAS WITH HER CHILD UPON BIRTHING HIM/HER.

Of course, I responded with a passive-aggressive dismissal of his masculinity:

John; I’ll let that comment go considering that you’ve never carried a child to term.

Of course, I should have, looking at it now, attacked him directly and not either men or women who haven’t carried a child. Because my Husband understands the bond that I had with all of my children prior to their arrival. In fact, my Husband was bonded with all of those children prior to their arrivals. My Husband is not the only man on the Earth capable of understanding and appreciating that early bonding process. Furthermore, I know many a woman who hasn’t been pregnant, either by choice or by chance, that understands the maternal bond of pregnancy. Beyond understanding it, those individuals are able to appreciate and celebrate that bond for what it is: special and beautiful.

And so, don’t take what I’m saying to that individual out of context. Moving on…

Of course, that individual took everything out of context as the section he quoted was addressing different forms of adoption in separate notations. Infant adoptions are addressed by talking about birth and adoptive families jointly executing the contact agreement and are further mentioned when addressing just who they are talking about:

At the time an adoption decree is entered, the court entering the decree may grant postadoption visitation, contact, and/or conveyance of information privileges (hereinafter referred to as ”postadoption privileges”) to a birth parent who has consented to an adoption or voluntarily terminated the parent-child relationship or has had his or her parental rights involuntarily terminated.

But back to this lack of emotional attachment.

Tell me how a newborn is not attached to his/her biological mother. Just try to tell me. Because you’ll be wrong in so many ways. While I do believe that a newborn can bond with new parents, that child has bonded with the one who gave him/her life and sustenance for nine months. I won’t launch into the trauma of breaking that bond but to deny the bond is to deny simple biology.

Furthermore: DO I NEED TO DISCUSS HOW A MOTHER BONDS WITH HER CHILD?

Augh. I’m so aggravated. I’m tired of the bond I have with my daughter, which started on the day she was conceived, being diminished. I would never EVER dream of diminishing the bond my daughter has with either of her everyday parents. There’s no way that I could; she loves the bejeebus out of them! But she loves me, too. And I love her. And I’m flipping TIRED of being told that I DO NOT COUNT.

So angry.

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