Posted: January 8, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Remember when I said I was feeling quiet? Just yesterday? Well, apparently no one had sufficiently riled me up as of late. No one had pressed those buttons. And nothing does it more than telling me that I have no bond with my placed child.
In today’s post about post-adoption contact agreements over at the birth-first parent blog, I covered Rhode Island’s laws. Rhode Island has a rather forward-thinking set of laws, making room for modification and legal enforcement as well as differentiating between and including both voluntary relinquishments and state terminated rights. I gave them a big thumbs up. And then my favorite anti-openness commenter leaves this lame comment on the blog:
“The court finds there is significant emotional attachment between the child and the birth parent.” Wouldn’t that clause prevent agreements in infant adoption? It almost sounds like they are intending to allow agreements for every type of adoption except infant adoptions.
Can you hear my eyes rolling? I should know better, really, than to let this particular commenter bug me the least little bit as he is known anti-openness, anti-birth parent individual. However, as I’m just getting back into the blogging swing over there since having, ya know, a baby, I may be slightly sensitive. Especially since, ya know, in the process of having a baby, I’m reminded all too much HOW MUCH BOND A MOTHER HAS WITH HER CHILD UPON BIRTHING HIM/HER.
Of course, I responded with a passive-aggressive dismissal of his masculinity:
John; I’ll let that comment go considering that you’ve never carried a child to term.
Of course, I should have, looking at it now, attacked him directly and not either men or women who haven’t carried a child. Because my Husband understands the bond that I had with all of my children prior to their arrival. In fact, my Husband was bonded with all of those children prior to their arrivals. My Husband is not the only man on the Earth capable of understanding and appreciating that early bonding process. Furthermore, I know many a woman who hasn’t been pregnant, either by choice or by chance, that understands the maternal bond of pregnancy. Beyond understanding it, those individuals are able to appreciate and celebrate that bond for what it is: special and beautiful.
And so, don’t take what I’m saying to that individual out of context. Moving on…
Of course, that individual took everything out of context as the section he quoted was addressing different forms of adoption in separate notations. Infant adoptions are addressed by talking about birth and adoptive families jointly executing the contact agreement and are further mentioned when addressing just who they are talking about:
At the time an adoption decree is entered, the court entering the decree may grant postadoption visitation, contact, and/or conveyance of information privileges (hereinafter referred to as ”postadoption privileges”) to a birth parent who has consented to an adoption or voluntarily terminated the parent-child relationship or has had his or her parental rights involuntarily terminated.
But back to this lack of emotional attachment.
Tell me how a newborn is not attached to his/her biological mother. Just try to tell me. Because you’ll be wrong in so many ways. While I do believe that a newborn can bond with new parents, that child has bonded with the one who gave him/her life and sustenance for nine months. I won’t launch into the trauma of breaking that bond but to deny the bond is to deny simple biology.
Furthermore: DO I NEED TO DISCUSS HOW A MOTHER BONDS WITH HER CHILD?
Augh. I’m so aggravated. I’m tired of the bond I have with my daughter, which started on the day she was conceived, being diminished. I would never EVER dream of diminishing the bond my daughter has with either of her everyday parents. There’s no way that I could; she loves the bejeebus out of them! But she loves me, too. And I love her. And I’m flipping TIRED of being told that I DO NOT COUNT.
So angry.
Posted: October 24, 2007 at 10:05 am
I wish I had kept a better account of my postpartum period after the Munchkin was born and subsequently placed. To be honest, my memories are quite sparse from that specific period. It was a complex time in my life. I was dealing with the grief and loss associated with the relinquishment of my daughter. I was going through that hormonal fluctuation which included some really sweaty nights, leaking breasts and pain in all just about every part of my body. (They don’t tell you that before you have your first baby; you use your whole body to give birth and so, of course, all of your muscles hurt.) Add into those things a horrid communication problem with my Mother, an apartment lease that was up and a necessary move to Ohio… and it was just a very complicated time in my life.
But oh, oh, did I try to be brave. I only cried in the privacy of my room or with TheHusbandMan. I attempted to do things like have a normal Christmas with family members. I put on a smile during these social outings, smiling politely when people commented on how quickly my body had bounced back. They didn’t see the stretch marks hidden underneath winter clothes; permanent reminders to everything that I had lost.
I do, however, remember hitting my own breaking point. I don’t remember the actual trigger. I don’t remember the actual length of time. (However, I would assume it was within three months of her birth because it was before I was working.) I hit a wall. I couldn’t function anymore. I hadn’t been leaving our apartment. I hadn’t been showering. Or eating. And it all just came to a head. I ended up doing something that I’m not proud of and feel rather sheepish in admitting. But hey, I’ve written a lot of personal stuff here and those who are going to judge me are going to judge me no matter what I write. So, what the heck. I ended up resorting to an old (poor) coping technique and cutting my arms. Thankfully, TheHusbandMan was a nosy one, even then, and intervened. While I did not seek professional help, TheHusbandMan and I began taking long walks during which we talked about the issues that were bothering me.
Looking back, I feel some anger mixed with my confusion. What, exactly, fell under the heading of normal postpartum emotional fluctuation? What fell under the heading of normal adoption grief and loss? And what fell under the heading of “too far” or “too much?” What should have been a red flag? Should my denial of emotion, shown by the brave face I was putting on for family and friends, been a sign of things to come? Or do all birth mothers go through some sort of denial phase? I can’t answer any of these questions. Why? That’s where the anger comes in. I can’t answer any of these questions about what was normal and what was too much and when it crossed the line… because I wasn’t counseled in anything involving postpartum mood disorders, normal postpartum fluctuations or anything about adoption grief and loss. Okay, I lied. I was told, “You’ll be sad for awhile but then you’ll “move on.”" What good did that do me? Shouldn’t I have been given information? By someone? The agency? My doctors?
Shouldn’t someone have said, “These are the warning signs for something more than normal. Please call if you are experiencing anything.” Instead, my agency dropped off the planet as soon as I signed the Termination of Parental Rights. Having called on a weekly basis and twice while I was in the hospital, I was shocked by their sudden lack of interest. The only thing my doctor at the hospital discussed with me was birth control. (You know, because all mothers who relinquish are whores!) I was left to figure it all out of myself. I didn’t do a good job.
And so, I share this story, however, embarrassing it is to out myself, so that other birth mothers might know some things, might know more than I did when I went into the whole experience, blind and naive. Today, on the BlogHer Blog Act for Mothers Act Blog Day, I share this story so that mothers who are considering relinquishment might have a resource. I didn’t have any clue what to expect. I didn’t know anyone who had placed. I didn’t have the internet at that time. I had an agency who didn’t care a lick about me once the child was placed. I had a doctor that didn’t know what to do with me and just wanted me gone.
The truth is, if I had been honest with myself, I would have seen myself heading down a road that wasn’t normal, no matter what experiences or hormonal imbalances I had just gone through. Instead, I didn’t want people to know I was suffering inside. The agency had told me that I would just “move on.” I wasn’t moving on so I thought something was wrong with me. Instead, the agency did me a huge disservice by minimizing the pain that birth mothers experience as a result of placement. Because I was experiencing something different than what they had said I would, I felt like a failure. And I don’t like to feel like a failure. Ever.
I want all expectant mothers and new birth mothers who are reading this to know that if something doesn’t feel right, you need to call someone. If your agency has dropped off the face of the Earth and your doctor doesn’t know how to handle you, please reach out to other birth mothers, even via the internet. Someone can help you find resources and talk you through your emotions while you wait for an appointment with a qualified therapist. You do not have to do this alone. Mothers who have been there and done this would be more than willing to help you. I promise.
For birth mothers who are considering building their families (by parenting another child), I encourage you to read my post over on the birth/first parent blog on the subject today. BigBrother’s birth threw me for an even bigger loop.
Also, I encourage other first mothers to share their stories today as it is the BlogHers Act Blog Day for Mothers Act. Be sure to tag everything with Mothers Act so you can be found by all types of mothers!
Posted: October 24, 2007 at 1:14 am
Tomorrow (or, today if you are reading this on Wednesday, October 24th) is the BlogHers Act Blog Day for Mothers Act. I’m really encouraging birth mothers to share their stories about the postpartum time frame, even if they didn’t experience issues regarding postpartum mood disorders, so that expectant mothers considering placement and brand new first mothers might have a reference tool for what to expect, what warning signs to consider and the general reassurance that they are never, ever alone. If you have a moment, please consider sharing your story. It may benefit you to get it off your chest and it could really, really make a difference in a new birth mother’s life. Please join in. (My posts will be up in the morning.)
