I had to re-sign the Termination of Parental Rights over two months after I initially signed the TPR. Why? Stupid Lawyer Wench didn't know that their county required two witnesses instead of one. I received no warning via phone or email when a second set of letters were sent to my apartment with a cold, callous letter explaining her error as if it was okay to make a Mother go through this horrid event for the second time. I found my journal entry regarding my emotions:
The incompetent lawyer resent papers (now the third set of relinquishment papers that I have been served with) as the ones she intially sent for the resigning had to be signed in my homstate which would equate to a five hour drive that couldn't happen until the end of April. The new ones had my current state and county so they could be signed next door at the bank.
How weird to go walking into a bank to have some lady notarize the papers. When I sat down at her desk with the papers, not making eye contact, I felt her gaze lift from the papers to me with a look of shock. She was very professional otherwise, but that initial look spoke volumes. It cut me to the core.
I remained busy the rest of yesterday as I had cleaning, Avon deliveries, and fun at work. By the time I got home I was so physically exhausted that I didn't have time to deal with my emotions. I worked all day today as well. But now that I am home, freshly fed, and enjoying sitting with the front door open and the fresh air flowing in… I am feeling so very hurt by this whole ordeal.
No birthmother should ever have to sign relinquishment papers twice because a lawyer messed up. No birthmother should have to let even more people witness one of the hardest and (for me, at least) lowest points of their life. No birthmother should be walked all over by incompetent lawyers who are just in it for the buck.
In all reality, I'm fine. I'm just a bit down tonight. It's so draining to write my full, legal name on that piece of paper, even though I mentally relinquished her so long ago. That physical act takes all of my strength. And God help me, if I have to do it again, heads will roll.
Dated February 27, 2004. Original Papers signed December 17, 2003.
Reading it now brings back so many emotions. I called J and D just after receiving those papers. They had just found out as well. There was some fear on their end that I wouldn't re-sign the papers. Legally, since the first set were void, Munchkin was still my child. If I would have had my WTF! Moment all ready, I could have brought my child home. But, of course, I didn't.
I was emotional and hurt. I didn't want to sign the papers again. It turned out that J knew the lady at the bank; she had been an old friend's Mom. How embarassing. I felt like dirt. The days leading up to signing, J asked me if my anger and emotion were because I wanted her back. I said no. I hadn't yet come up out of the low-point of my life. Yes, we had a great apartment, but I didn't have my career started yet. I hadn't yet motivated myself to be something for Munchkin; something she could be proud of in the future. So even though every bone in my body was saying, "Bring her home," my logical and brainwashed head told me that I didn't have enough to offer. And I signed the papers for a second time.
That embarasses me. I feel as if I rejected my child twice. But that was what I was conditioned to do. Don't make problems. Be quiet. Do "what is right." Poor J wanted to throttle the lawyer and, by the end of all of our contact, he seriously looked as though he might hunt her down and torture her.
I made this journal entry the next day.
I'm up late tonight, thinking of you, Miss Munchkin. I'm wondering what your feet look like and how cute your fingers look wrapped around your mom's.
Your mom's.
I don't suppose this will ever feel natural. But loving you sure does.
Dated February 28, 2004.
I know I need to work through the guilt of being offered a second chance to parent my child by this situation and denying both myself and her that option. This issue hasn't yet come up in therapy yet. It will be just another thing that TherapistLady says, "How did you get so screwed?" when it comes to the agency and the lawyer. How? No one was there to help me.
I was trying to muddle through something with which I had no experience completely on my own. That said, expectant Mothers considering placement: always make sure you have your own legal representation. Someone needs to be looking out for YOUR best interest.