Pre-Placement » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Open Adoption Roundtable #27: First Meetings

Adoption, in General, Open Adoption, Pre-Placement, Pregnant with Munchkin 4 Responses »

Jul 092011

Open Adoption Roundtable #27: First Meetings.

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September 2003

I clutched his hand as we made our way across the parking lot. My stomach flipped-and-flopped; a combination of nerves and the Munchkin getting her evening exercise. The white maternity top that I was wearing was more for show than comfort; I still wasn’t very big due to my health issues, but I wanted them to see a pregnant woman when they opened the door.

We stepped inside the hotel and walked down the hallway. Hotels have a muffled silence to them, like you’re swimming past stock art above the ocean floor of carpeting. We stood in front of the doorway, everything still muffled.

I knew what they looked like; I had looked at their photos in their profile. Smiling on their wedding day. Happy in Disney World. Together in a hug. I knew their dog was fluffy and white, but he wasn’t waiting for me inside that hotel room. What was waiting for me was bigger and scarier than any dog: the parents who would eventually adopt my baby. I didn’t know that yet; I didn’t have a crystal ball. But we had matched over the phone with the cautious ears of our facilitator listening in, directing our conversation, making plans.

They had seen my photo as well. They had my information, knew that my eyes were brown. They had access to my health records, knew that my kidney was not working as it should… especially during pregnancy. They seemed nice on the phone.

But what if they took one look at me, in my white maternity shirt and khaki pants, and thought I looked too plain. Or saw my crooked tooth and judged me — and my parents — and assumed we didn’t care about such things. What if they just plain old didn’t like me?

I looked to him and he nodded. I must have knocked, but I have no recollection of the sound. While the hallway of a hotel may be muffled, the sound of their footsteps coming to the door caused shockwaves to beat through my heart, my soul. This was it. They were going to open the door and this was it. There would be no turning back; even without my crystal ball, I knew that. My heart caught in my throat.

The door opened. There may have been a hug. I have no idea. In the dim light of a hotel room, my life began to change.

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Read more first meetings at this Open Adoption Roundtable.

Dear Me 2003

Letters, Pre-Placement, Regret 13 Responses »

Feb 262007

Dear 2003 Me,

I know you think you know everything right now. Twenty-one is that magic age where all of the knowledge of the world enters your brain thus making the rest of the world magically stupid and therefore useless to you in any way, shape or form. However, let me be the first to tell you: you don’t know jack. Your world is about to be turned upside down. Sit down. Shut up. And listen.

I’m taking this to the point where things are already somewhat out of our control. I’m not taking us back to 1997 in order to avoid meeting Lincoln. I’m not taking us back to 1999 to avoid reconnecting with him via e-mail. I’m not even going back to the decisions that lead us to sleep with him on that fateful night. Nope. Newsflash: You’re knocked up and you’re going to be alone. Here’s what you need to do.

For the love of all things everywhere, don’t call a single adoption agency. I know, I know. You think that simply contacting them for information won’t do you any harm. You think that learning about all of your options will help you make a better decision. Let me tell you, having lived it, you’re wrong. The agency that you are thinking about contacting is so highly adept at manipulation that you will have no ability to get out from under their grasp. Stay away. Don’t do it. As for what to do?

Please talk to Mom and Dad. Yes, they’re being angry, grumpy, sometimes down-right-mean and not really nice. Tell them that you want Matthew’s old crib. Tell them to help you buy a car seat. Because, here’s the fact: within the week, you’re going to be hospitalized with a kidney disorder that will put you out of function for the duration of your pregnancy. The agency that you’re kicking around in your mind will seem like the only option because you, Mom and Dad are not talking about any options available to you. Without money coming in, you will feel hopeless. But listen: so will Mom and Dad. By the time they get over their anger, you will have already contacted the agency and all will be lost. All that is wrong right now is a communication problem: a) you think they hate your child (they don’t) and b) they think you don’t want their help (you do but see point a). If you don’t make the move to fix the communication problem, neither will they. You won’t hear until three years after the fact how your mother regrets not fixing the problem herself. Be the bigger person and fix it yourself. You won’t regret it.

More over, don’t listen to stupid people on the internet who tell you not to involve TheHusbandMan in your decision. He is as involved in this pregnancy as anyone and truly, more that you will ever understand, loves that child. When he says, “Are you sure you want to do this,” say no. Don’t worry about what his family will say or think: like everyone else, they will come around to accepting you for who you are and what you bring to the table.

All of that said, by doing everything I have instructed you to do in this letter, you will miss out on having a great friend. Look up some blonde chick in Philadelphia. She has a lot of your interests and is, basically, your light-haired twin. I think you guys would be great friends.

Oh, and by the way, even if he says he doesn’t have money to pay child support, he’s still legally required to do so. Take him to court. Do what’s right for your daughter. She depends on you.

Sincerely,
2007 You

To my readers who aren’t 2003 me, obviously I understand that I can’t go back and change my decisions. But sometimes, you just need to say/type things out loud. What would you tell your pre-placement self?