(I have some great stuff coming from The Secret Life of Bees. But people keep ticking me off.)
I’m frustrated. I’m beyond frustrated. Background story: forums are discussing a biological mother who kidnapped her child. Somehow turned into a discussion about revocation periods. I tried to avoid it. It was my kryptonite. I clicked. And the first thing I read was this:
Personally, after reading some of the posts on this thread, I feel that this story shows that major reform needs to take place as far as when the bmother has a right to change her mind. I feel sad for the bmother that she regreted her decision and wasn’t able to reverse it, considering she changed her mind only one day after placement.
You’ve. got. to. be. kidding. me. RIGHT?! You really believe that shortening revocation periods is the answer to this “problem” of mothers not realizing how much they really love and want to parent their children until “too late?” That’s what the world thinks? That’s NOT the answer, folks. Oh, it’s so far from the answer. It’s far too LATE in the process to be the answer. We need to start back at the beginning.
I responded with:
Or, ya know, we could have major reform that properly educates expectant parents as to the true extent of grief and loss PRIOR to the signing of the TPR as WELL as helping her find adequate parenting resources before a match is made so that things like this, ya know, don’t happen at all. Instead of removing more of their rights, which only leaves them feeling more helpless and possibly more desperate, perhaps we could protect the rights that they SHOULD have but are often NOT given because of high unethical adoption agencies, attorneys and practices.
Revocation periods are necessary whether certain people want to accept that or not. Parents are making a life long decision to let go of their child. It’s only after that name is signed that some mothers and fathers realize their error, that they 100% can’t let go.
(I did add that I don’t believe in kidnapping. I just don’t.)
And that’s the rub, folks. People want to believe that the problem is “lengthy” revocation periods where these mothers can “change their minds.” That’s not the problem. The problem is that we’re not educating expectant mothers OR FATHERS) considering placement that there’s a lot more to placement than just signing your name on a piece of paper. Agencies are doing NILL at educating these families about the life-long grief and loss that accompanies that signature. There’s no talk about how it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, give you intimacy issues or basically traumatize you for life. There’s no discussion about how it will make you feel when you go to have other children, start a marriage or continue to live your life. There’s no talk about the hole in your heart, your life.
We tell women that they will get over it. That it will hurt for awhile but it will get better once you get through those five stages of grief. They don’t tell mothers or fathers that those stages of grief can be revisited with every new chapter of your life, leaving you experiencing everything all over again and over again and over again.
Beyond that, we’re not telling these expectant parents that they HAVE resources to parent. (Okay, some (and I mean, very few) have gone above the call of duty to point families in the direction of these resources and I commend their actions.) But most? Aren’t. Instead, we tell them that two parents are a requirement for a perfectly well-rounded child. (Newsflash: I had two involved parents and I am not well-rounded. HA!) We tell them that money (which equates to “stuff”) is important in parenting. We don’t educate them that they can actually feed their child for FREE for the first year of the kid’s life (hi, breastfeeding!). We’re not telling them any of this information. And they’re left feeling hopeless.
Even with that hopeless feeling, no one is telling these mothers about the Mama Bear instinct that kicks in almost immediately. I believe that’s why the number of mothers that do revoke their decision do it: Mama Bear instinct. When you’ve held a child that you’ve brought into this world, you’d do almost anything to protect it. Sometimes, for some women, that DOES mean placing. However, for others, it means keeping that child no matter the cost. Some of those mothers, unfortunately, feel obligated to sign the paper anyway because of the subtle coercions of pre-birth matches, whether that comes from an unethical family or an unethical agency (the latter of whom I blame the most).
Starting reform AFTER the Termination of Parental Rights is like trying to solve marriage problems by starting couples therapy AFTER a divorce. If you want to bring down the number of changed minds after the TPR is signed, you need to offer these women real and true accounts as to what placement entails. Yes, the happy stories are also needed because mothers who DO choose adoption need to know that, with work, they CAN succeed in open adoption and life. (You can. I still believe that you can.) However, we need to be fully educating these families as to what grief and loss can be like. We need to tell them about their resources. And we need to tell them about that Mama Bear instinct.
Until we’re being totally honest with expectant families considering placement, revocations are going to keep occuring at numbers that people find unacceptable. Shortening that time frame will do nothing to solve the problem.
I’m so discouraged. I need to go shopping. Retail therapy.
