Posted: February 23, 2008 at 10:09 am
It’s early. I had no sleep because BigBrother has a raging ear infection. But let me tell you something: my child was not unwanted nor unloved. And if you think that birth parent rights are a “problem” for adoption, adopting from another country doesn’t magically remove the birth parents from the equation. Babies don’t appear out of midair! Instead, as we recently read in an article out of Guatemala, too often birth parents from other countries are victimized in various ways that we American birth parents don’t want to imagine. One way does not solve the problems for the other way. Children adopted internationally still have birth parents. Can’t erase it. (I submitted a comment but we know that The New York Times screens comments so, well, we’ll see!)
Posted: December 14, 2007 at 6:42 pm
Did you know that I’m “extremely chaotic?” As are most of my birth mother sisters? I wasn’t aware of this fact prior to reading the comments on this amazing post, originally brought to my attention by Nicole. It’s unfortunate that such a great post has to be tainted by such ignorant stereotypical sludge but, alas, it’s the internet and people aren’t afraid to spew their hatred when they can jump behind the veil of anonymity.
What, exactly, does that even mean? Chaotic? It’s straight up boring over here most of the time. I mean, minus the chaos that ensues when a two year old doesn’t get his way. Or I get all kinds of crazy in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies. Or I get in a battle with the Husband while watching Jeopardy. Or playing chess. Or we have a marathon napping session. Because the commenter who stated that the mother who places was obviously “extremely chaotic” and then basically states that, ya know, even if there was some chaos in the mother’s life at the time of the unplanned pregnancy, well, that mother is DOOMED! for a life of dysfunction and OMGCHAOS! Because a) adoptive families never experience chaos and b) no one can ever overcome a pitfall in their life. It’s all one or the other. Never a middle ground.
I also like how it is stated that women who are now birth mothers had ease of access to resources like WIC, etc. Obviously that individual never had to apply for such things. I was rejected the first time I applied for Medicaid because of an error on their side. And then dropped. Not once. But twice. The second time I was dropped because I couldn’t make the trip to the office for a check in because I was on bed rest due to my complicated pregnancy (which I’m sure the one commenter would label as “chaos” as if I wanted to have a kidney that didn’t function properly). I asked them to come to me and they said no. I paid for my medical bills for that delivery out of my own pocket because of the second drop.
I’m just tired of stupid, all-inclusive comments from people who are not birth parents that seem to think they understand the be-all-and-end-all of what today’s birth parents are like. I’m tired of being labeled dysfunctional. Or chaotic. Or whatever. I’m tired of all of it.
Tired. And bored. Come up with some new stereotypes, please. These are all played out.
Posted: November 20, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I’m feeling put upon this afternoon. I’m feeling offended. And I know I shouldn’t. But I am. I’ll blame late-pregnancy super-sensitive hormones, a lack of sleep and a strong desire for more Starbucks but an inability to shove myself into the car to drive and go get some. Partly irrational, I do agree but… really, I have to ask: why is okay to assume the worst of birth parents but, to flip it, never okay to assume the worst of adoptive parents? Why the double standard?
Someone asked in a forum setting a question that, by itself, doesn’t make me feel offended. But when I sit and think about it on the grand scale of things, I am miffed. I’m tired of the double standard. The question in question?
“Have any (of you) birth parents turned to drugs to deal with the loss of your child?”
The question is a legitimate one when you consider the complexities of grief and loss. As our society doesn’t deal really well with grief and loss and we are thus often ill-prepared to handle the issues when they are thrown in our path, poor coping mechanisms are not out of the question. And so, part of me understands the question. My answer, of course, is no. I know a few others who have turned to drugs or alcohol because therapy was simply not available. (I mean, it took me three-plus years to find a therapist with experience!) They have acknowledged that masking the grief with the feel-good effects of drugs and/or alcohol didn’t solve anything but it’s all they knew to do at the time.
Okay, so, it happens. We acknowledge that. But my question is: why the double standard on talking about these issues? I want to post the following question:
“Have you, as an adoptive parent, turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with the grief and loss associated with infertility or miscarriage or the rigors of parenting in general?”
Can you imagine the flame war that would begin? Can you imagine the absolute anger that would be felt by that entire side of the triad for such an awful assumption? And yet, I know a mother who did turn to drugs when she was dealing with infertility. It’s not her proudest moment and she has since been through rehab and is a great, great friend to me. We know it happens. But why isn’t it okay to ask?
Why is it okay to ask about birth parents and an assumed tendency to cope with things poorly but not okay to flip the question? I’m not saying we shouldn’t be asking about birth parents who have coped poorly; I think we should! I think we should be discussing the why’s and where-for’s of these detrimental coping mechanisms so that future birth parents aren’t sucked into their evil grasp. We should acknowledge that they exist and make plans to help those currently struggling and those who might come along in the future. But should we be ignoring the other side of the coin? Simply because people assume that adoptive parents have it all together? I don’t think so.
All I’m saying is: issues are not unique to one group of parents. Birth parents aren’t the only ones who deal in poor ways. We’re just expected to because of stereotype and long-standing stigmas.
And if you do have a drug or alcohol problem, oh, please, reach out. You can beat this. I promise you!
