As many of you know, we’re done having children. I’m mostly okay with this until, of course, I hold small babies. Or Sundays. There’s something about Sundays that make both my me and my Husband want to conceive more children. It’s very strange. All the same, we’re done.
And so, on the storage side of our basement, we have this pile. It keeps growing. A stroller-infant-car-seat travel system complete with Land’s End fleece warmer. An extra infant car seat. An exersaucer. A bouncy seat. A Bumbo. A playmat. Some other little things like bottles we never used.
For a little while, I was considering donating the whole lot to our church. I now work in the nursery and am well aware that we’re missing some “small infant” stuff. Though very few parents bring their small infants down during church or to Bible Study, a few are brought in on occasion and it would be nice to have things for them. But just this morning I got to thinking…
I want to give this stuff, all of it, to one young mother in need. Not a few different ones. One. I want her to go from having just about nothing to having almost enough. And, true, newborns don’t need “stuff.” They don’t. They need their mothers’ milk and they need a safe place to sleep. But I remember being in that position, with absolutely nothing. Not even a car seat to take my child home in should I have changed my mind. (Granted, I learned afterwards that the hospital can provide a seat but that was an after the fact knowledge-bit that I like to pass on to expectant mothers now that I know!) I digress.
I didn’t have anything. And I felt that lack of “stuff” was evidence of my inability to parent. Granted, I was sick, stuck in bed and unable to work. It wasn’t as if I was able to magically make things appear. But I also lacked the ability to ask people for help. I didn’t want to seem as if I was “sponging” off of society as so many people accuse those who do seek help. And while I learned by actively parenting two little boys that “stuff” does not a good parent make, I do know how good it felt to be able to purchase and have that stuff in house before they were born. It was an assurance that things were different this time around, that I would provide come hell or high water and that, darn it, things would be okay.
I want to pass that feeling on to another local mother. I have decided to go totally local and not branch out into other cities surrounding our area. There’s a high-rate of teen pregnancy here. You can blame the cycle of young pregnancy in families, our city’s apathy towards educating these young folks on options and consequence, or whatever you wish to blame it on but the “problem” remains. Certain groups in town all but demand that these young mothers “choose” life (though they tell them that there is no choice) but refuse to offer any help. Those same people are the ones that I have heard casting judgment on one young mother who has had three pregnancies at a young age. Those are the same people who scoff at anyone who is receiving public assistance and make nasty comments about anyone who has ever received said assistance not knowing (or, perhaps, caring) that individuals at the table they are sharing once received said assistance. (I received Medicaid benefits while pregnant with the Munchkin.)
No one wants to help these mothers. But I do.
I just put an ad on MySpace for a “Huge Lot of Baby Gear for a YOUNG MOTHER IN NEED.” I set our ages at 16-22. The younger age because knowing the people that I know, I know a young mother of that age can and will survive. (Why not 14? I don’t know. I’d make an exception, I suppose if a 14 year old mother-to-be contacted me.) The upper age range because that’s how old I was when everyone told me that I couldn’t do it on my own.
Do I expect some scammers? Sure. But I’m requiring all potential recipients to meet with us. Why? I want to encourage them ALL, to let them know they can do it. (And requiring that will weed out those who are just trying to score free stuff.)
Why am I not going through a local organization? Our town doesn’t even have one. If I can’t find anyone through direct contact, I will consider contacting our local foster care office but I don’t think they can give me any information on individuals so, really, this is my only route. The next city over has a pregnancy center but, as I said, I want to serve our city. I’m feeling that it is necessary right now.
This won’t solve their problems. The road to parenting and through parenting is hard, even in the best of circumstances. But perhaps the contact(s) that I make will help provide some young mothers with that small bit of encouragement that makes the difference. Perhaps these young parents (because I hope! some Dads are involved) just need someone to say, “You can do it.” Because how many times have you read the words of a birth mother say that she just wanted someone to say those words.
I want to be that person to someone.
And, so, as I do have some local readers: if you know of anyone in need in our city, please use the contact form to let me know. This is heavy on my heart as we enter this birthday and holiday season in our family. We have SO MUCH. And so much of it isn’t even necessary. And I just need to pass it on.
My name is Jenna. I blog here, 
Thoughts on the 90 Pregnant and/or New Moms in Memphis
There’s not much to say about the fact that 90(ish) teens at one high school or either pregnant or have recently become new moms. In an of itself it is indicative of a larger problem that can’t be “solved” in ways that those who are most appalled to the problem want. The reality is that whatever they’re doing sex education wise (read: abstinence only) isn’t work.
But that’s not what I’m blogging about. Here are some reactions I’ve seen around the web. Not much from the blogosphere exactly, but I actually allowed/forced myself to read some of the comments accompanying some of the link-and-story sharing. I don’t count that as a mistake; it gives me the chance to educate others.
That hurts my heart. Forcing the teen? That, right there, is perfect evidence that we haven’t escaped the mindset of the Baby Scoop Era. Avoid family shame and woe by “getting rid” of the “problem” while simultaneously providing “good” parents with a baby.
Of course, the “adoption law reform” being spoken about here isn’t the ethical reform that so many of us are talking about and pushing for and hoping comes to light sometime in our lifetime. This reform is the one that affords adoptive parents an easier time with the adoption process by stepping on the rights of birth parents.
And while I agree that the stigma that follows birth mothers really needs to go the way of the Dodo, you’re not just dealing with stigma. Even if society stops labeling birth mothers as cold-hearted, coke-addicted floozies, birth parents still have grief. Whether that adoption is open or closed, the grief is still present. We can’t just write off young mothers and sentence them to a life of grief simply because they are young.
I don’t even have to say anything about that, now do I? Well, I will say something anyway. You know what scum is? Let me tell you. Scum is the type of person who kicks someone while they’re down. You can have opinions about sex before marriage. You can have opinions about sex education, parental responsibility and what constitutes as immoral and irresponsible behavior. You can even have opinions on whether you think these girls should have aborted, should parent or should choose to place. But you can’t call them scum. Ridiculous.
But it’s not all negative out there. A blog at The Village Voice covered a quote by one of the girls which speaks of adoption. The blogger, Rosie Gray, then makes a great point, and so I’m quoting them both.
It should be required reading in every high school, everywhere. And required reading for parents who missed it. That mother? The one that wanted her daughter to “give up” the baby for adoption and now won’t help out at all? Will regret the time she is losing with her grandchild. More over, teens need to understand that it’s not all fun and games — parenting or placement or dealing with adult stuff before you’re an adult.
I’d kind of like to fly down to Memphis and make sure that these girls are being educated regarding their choices. I cringe to think at how slap-happy the local adoption agencies might be as this news breaks nationwide. My heart is heavy for these girls who have no idea what their future will hold — no matter their decisions. I want them to know that there are those of us who have survived various things and that they can as well. I just want them to be fully informed before they make decisions. I don’t want them to be forced into anything. And I fear too many might be.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t think anyone does. But I hope, at the very least, each girl has someone in her corner, pulling for her and watching out for her during this time. I know what it’s like to have no support; I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.