I watched 16 & Pregnant‘s new episode with Alex last night. I’m glad my husband was home. I ranted at him all throughout the episode. I also ranted to Dee via Instant Messenger. Everyone agreed that it was a complete mess. It was a hard episode for me to watch.
Mainly because Alex’s mom kept forcing adoption down her throat.
Let me back up and give you the basics of the episode. Alex was a 17-year-old soon-to-be senior in high school. She and Matt are expecting an obviously unexpected baby. Matt is, for all intents and purposes, a loser; he parties, he doesn’t work, he’s constantly either hung over or high throughout the episode. Alex’s mom is decidedly unsupportive. She tells Alex that she can either choose adoption or find a new place to live. Eventually, Alex hooks up with her friend Brianna’s parents, who want to adopt a baby.
And that’s the basic premise of the episode.
The whole “choose adoption or find a new place to live” storyline was a difficult one to endure. Quite honestly, I yelled a few times. We try to pretend that adoption is a choice in 2012. We try to pretend that mothers facing unplanned pregnancies aren’t ever forced to relinquish their children. We try to pretend that we have moved on from the Baby Scoop Era when young mothers were never given a choice; it was understood the baby would be relinquished. End of discussion. But I can tell you that Alex’s mom’s words aren’t unique. Too many young mothers are still being faced with “you will go through with an adoption or our home is closed to you.”
I understand not having the time or money to raise your child’s child. I get that. But I also know that forcing someone to choose adoption isn’t the answer. Adoption, even under the best circumstances, involves a lot of grief and loss. When it is forced, the grief and loss are, in my opinion, exacerbated even more so.
Poor Alex just kept getting put through the wringer throughout the entire episode. Her mom simply wasn’t thinking, at all, every time she opened her mouth.
“There will be no babies in this house. That was one form of birth control.”
Newsflash, Alex’s mom, even the best birth control fails. It does. I just don’t understand the whole “there will be no babies in this house,” throw the baby out with the bath water (pun intended) mindset in the first place. Yes, you can be crazy disappointed in your pregnant teen daughter. Yes, you can be angry. Yes, you can be frustrated. Yes, you can put your foot down and say that you are not raising the child. But why on Earth would you kick your child, who is seemingly otherwise a fantastic child, out while pregnant or shortly after birth? Where does this come from? There’s tough love and then there’s no love.
As Alex is sitting on the couch, crying, while her mother pushes adoption down her throat, my heart broke. “My heart is telling me no,” is met with the whole “there are lots of families out there that would have unlimited visitation.” First off, open adoption is not a band-aid for pain. Open adoption is still adoption; it’s still an unimaginable loss. Then we have this mother basically lying to her daughter. There are not a “lot” of families out there that would agree to “unlimited” visitation. Even in our open adoption, I’m sure if I showed up every day, Dee would reach a breaking point. (Possibly only because our kids together make a lot of noise.) Families need time and space. Even birth families; if Dee wanted to come over every single day, I’d have to draw a line. We go on vacation and camp and sometimes just like to sit in jammies and not do anything for one whole day. Unlimited visitation is an unrealistic expectation.
I think the hardest thing for me watching the episode were the people who decided it would be good to tweet me with things like:
@FireMom that baby deserves to be adopted…
— Mallorie (@MalPalWebb) April 18, 2012
(Reference: One of the girls at Alex’s dance studio told her that if she relinquished, at least she could still go out. Alex did not say this herself.)
Oh yes. An adoptive mom, as she told me later, told me that the baby in question deserved to be adopted. I was, understandably, less than pleased with that entitled thought process. Because this mother is young? Because she doesn’t have a lot of resources right now? Because she doesn’t have a large support system at the time? What did this mom, other than not being able to make a decision, do to show that she wouldn’t be a good mom?
Absolutely nothing.
The dad? Sure, he’s an ass. But I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that sometimes adoptive dads are just as bad on the loser scale. So don’t tell me that just because the biological dad was a big loser meant that the baby “deserved” to be adopted.
A single, young mother does not mean a baby “deserves” to be adopted.
There were other tweets like it, all of which hurt my heart immensely for any young mother trying to make a decision. I know what they are bombarded with; the stereotypes, the bias toward adoptive families. It’s so hard to make a decision, to feel as though you’re not letting someone down.
Which brings the potential adoptive family in this episode into the picture. I didn’t hate them. The potential adoptive mom was a little baby hungry, but the potential adoptive dad kept it all in perspective, all but demanding that no one make a decision until the baby was born. He said it twice on camera and I wanted to kiss him both times. That is important, to have that space to make the decision after the baby is born. They were unofficially “matched,” of course, but Alex was given that space to decide, however much the potential adoptive mom said she wanted the baby.
** SPOILER ** SPOILER ** SPOILER ** SPOILER **
In the end, Alex chose to parent her daughter. When she told the potential adoptive parents, the potential adoptive mom cried a bit, but there wasn’t a big, dramatic scene. I was proud of both of them for that; it took a lot, on camera, to keep words and emotions in check. The feeling of loss they experienced must have been difficult and I really do applaud both of them for not being the stereotypical, angry, finger-pointing adoptive parents.
Lastly, I was proud of Alex’s mom for coming around. The truth is that so many parents who put up the “NO BABIES IN MY HOUSE” front, often come around once that little bundle of joy arrives. I won’t say that they all do, but grandchildren have a way of softening hard hearts. Alex’s mom didn’t drop everything to help Alex parent, but she “allowed” her to come back home and offered the support that she could with the time and resources that she had.
In the end, I like this episode more than the Catelynn and Tyler relinquishment storyline. I like that we were shown how young mothers could feel forced to relinquish by their own parents. I like that we were shown it’s a good idea not to make a final decision regarding relinquishment until after the baby is born. I like that we were shown it really was the mother’s decision to make — not her own mom’s, not the potential adoptive parents. I like that she was given space.
I know what’s being said about the episode, much like the tweet I received while watching it. But that baby deserves to be loved and cared for, and that’s what she’s getting right now.
You can watch it, but be prepared for it to kick up some emotions.
Adoption is not a magic, easy option to an unplanned pregnancy. It’s hard and it should never be a forced decision.
