Mainly because Alex’s mom kept forcing adoption down her throat.

Let me back up and give you the basics of the episode. Alex was a 17-year-old soon-to-be senior in high school. She and Matt are expecting an obviously unexpected baby. Matt is, for all intents and purposes, a loser; he parties, he doesn’t work, he’s constantly either hung over or high throughout the episode. Alex’s mom is decidedly unsupportive. She tells Alex that she can either choose adoption or find a new place to live. Eventually, Alex hooks up with her friend Brianna’s parents, who want to adopt a baby.

And that’s the basic premise of the episode.

The whole “choose adoption or find a new place to live” storyline was a difficult one to endure. Quite honestly, I yelled a few times. We try to pretend that adoption is a choice in 2012. We try to pretend that mothers facing unplanned pregnancies aren’t ever forced to relinquish their children. We try to pretend that we have moved on from the Baby Scoop Era when young mothers were never given a choice; it was understood the baby would be relinquished. End of discussion. But I can tell you that Alex’s mom’s words aren’t unique. Too many young mothers are still being faced with “you will go through with an adoption or our home is closed to you.”

I understand not having the time or money to raise your child’s child. I get that. But I also know that forcing someone to choose adoption isn’t the answer. Adoption, even under the best circumstances, involves a lot of grief and loss. When it is forced, the grief and loss are, in my opinion, exacerbated even more so.

Poor Alex just kept getting put through the wringer throughout the entire episode. Her mom simply wasn’t thinking, at all, every time she opened her mouth.

“There will be no babies in this house. That was one form of birth control.”

Newsflash, Alex’s mom, even the best birth control fails. It does. I just don’t understand the whole “there will be no babies in this house,” throw the baby out with the bath water (pun intended) mindset in the first place. Yes, you can be crazy disappointed in your pregnant teen daughter. Yes, you can be angry. Yes, you can be frustrated. Yes, you can put your foot down and say that you are not raising the child. But why on Earth would you kick your child, who is seemingly otherwise a fantastic child, out while pregnant or shortly after birth? Where does this come from? There’s tough love and then there’s no love.

As Alex is sitting on the couch, crying, while her mother pushes adoption down her throat, my heart broke. “My heart is telling me no,” is met with the whole “there are lots of families out there that would have unlimited visitation.” First off, open adoption is not a band-aid for pain. Open adoption is still adoption; it’s still an unimaginable loss. Then we have this mother basically lying to her daughter. There are not a “lot” of families out there that would agree to “unlimited” visitation. Even in our open adoption, I’m sure if I showed up every day, Dee would reach a breaking point. (Possibly only because our kids together make a lot of noise.) Families need time and space. Even birth families; if Dee wanted to come over every single day, I’d have to draw a line. We go on vacation and camp and sometimes just like to sit in jammies and not do anything for one whole day. Unlimited visitation is an unrealistic expectation.

I think the hardest thing for me watching the episode were the people who decided it would be good to tweet me with things like:

(Reference: One of the girls at Alex’s dance studio told her that if she relinquished, at least she could still go out. Alex did not say this herself.)

Oh yes. An adoptive mom, as she told me later, told me that the baby in question deserved to be adopted. I was, understandably, less than pleased with that entitled thought process. Because this mother is young? Because she doesn’t have a lot of resources right now? Because she doesn’t have a large support system at the time? What did this mom, other than not being able to make a decision, do to show that she wouldn’t be a good mom?

Absolutely nothing.

The dad? Sure, he’s an ass. But I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that sometimes adoptive dads are just as bad on the loser scale. So don’t tell me that just because the biological dad was a big loser meant that the baby “deserved” to be adopted.

A single, young mother does not mean a baby “deserves” to be adopted.

There were other tweets like it, all of which hurt my heart immensely for any young mother trying to make a decision. I know what they are bombarded with; the stereotypes, the bias toward adoptive families. It’s so hard to make a decision, to feel as though you’re not letting someone down.

Which brings the potential adoptive family in this episode into the picture. I didn’t hate them. The potential adoptive mom was a little baby hungry, but the potential adoptive dad kept it all in perspective, all but demanding that no one make a decision until the baby was born. He said it twice on camera and I wanted to kiss him both times. That is important, to have that space to make the decision after the baby is born. They were unofficially “matched,” of course, but Alex was given that space to decide, however much the potential adoptive mom said she wanted the baby.

** SPOILER ** SPOILER ** SPOILER ** SPOILER **

In the end, Alex chose to parent her daughter. When she told the potential adoptive parents, the potential adoptive mom cried a bit, but there wasn’t a big, dramatic scene. I was proud of both of them for that; it took a lot, on camera, to keep words and emotions in check. The feeling of loss they experienced must have been difficult and I really do applaud both of them for not being the stereotypical, angry, finger-pointing adoptive parents.

Lastly, I was proud of Alex’s mom for coming around. The truth is that so many parents who put up the “NO BABIES IN MY HOUSE” front, often come around once that little bundle of joy arrives. I won’t say that they all do, but grandchildren have a way of softening hard hearts. Alex’s mom didn’t drop everything to help Alex parent, but she “allowed” her to come back home and offered the support that she could with the time and resources that she had.

In the end, I like this episode more than the Catelynn and Tyler relinquishment storyline. I like that we were shown how young mothers could feel forced to relinquish by their own parents. I like that we were shown it’s a good idea not to make a final decision regarding relinquishment until after the baby is born. I like that we were shown it really was the mother’s decision to make — not her own mom’s, not the potential adoptive parents. I like that she was given space.

I know what’s being said about the episode, much like the tweet I received while watching it. But that baby deserves to be loved and cared for, and that’s what she’s getting right now.

You can watch it, but be prepared for it to kick up some emotions.

Adoption is not a magic, easy option to an unplanned pregnancy. It’s hard and it should never be a forced decision.

I made the mistake of watching last night’s episode of Parenthood alone. My husband was working and I figured, “Well surely it won’t be that bad.” Ever the eternal optimist, I was side-swiped by grief. Thankfully I wasn’t really alone as some lovely people surrounded me on twitter with their thoughts, their love and their experiences (which is why I tweet when I watch shows that hit me hard).

Chronicles has been blowing up today with people searching Zoe Parenthood birth and variations thereof. I suppose I should say something.

– __ — __ —

In those moments when Zoe is pushing and obviously screaming and the doctor and Julia are cheering her on — but there’s no sound except for some stray guitars — I just nodded. There is a mental disconnect in those memories of birthing the Munchkin. I see what was happening, as if I was floating above myself. I can see myself on the bed, my mom to my right in her beaded black sweater. My best friend from college was to my left. Dee and her husband were in the corner behind my friend. I can see the colors of the room; greenish blue, builder beige, bad lighting. I can see the corner where everything was sitting.

But I can’t hear anything.

Which is odd for me. Being the musical theater geek that I was (ahem, am), many of my memories are tied to sound. It only takes one note, one chord at the beginning of a song to take me back to high school, middle school, elementary school or even before. I have vivid memories of laughter and words people said and noises and songs and snippets of song and harmonies.

I have sound memory from the boys being born. The rocking chair squeak. The sound of my husband trying to sleep on the unfortunate plasticy couch in the delivery room. My husband vomitting the day we left the hospital with our oldest son. Their first cries. My husband’s voice. I have all of that.

I have silence with the Munchkin. Like a silent movie; I can see it all, but I don’t know what anyone is saying. Or thinking. Or feeling.

So when they opened the scene with Zoe laboring and it was just a bunch of movement, I nodded. For me, they got that right.

– __ — __ —

As of right now, we don’t really know what happens to the baby that Zoe gave birth to last night. We assume, because assumed that Zoe rocking her baby and smiling meant that Zoe was deciding to parent her child, that Zoe parents. That Julia is heartbroken. I had some hits on the blog with the question of “Why did Zoe take the baby back?” Except, of course, that even if she decided to parent her baby boy, she didn’t take the baby back. It was never Julia’s baby. Yes, it’s horribly sad for Julia and Joel. It is. There’s no getting around it. But that baby boy wasn’t theirs.

However — and especially — next week is the Season Finale of Parenthood. I found that kind of shocking as it’s only February, but there you have it. Season Finales are notorious for their cliffhangers, their “it wasn’t what you thought it was going to be, was it! We tricked you! Ha ha! We win!” In the previews, we see Zoe standing next to a car telling Julia that she changed their life. Julia looks stricken, as Julia usually does. I believe we’re meant to assume that Zoe stopped by to say, “Hey man! I’m keeping my baby, thanks for the organic food, yo!” But I don’t believe that’s what happens. I believe Julia and Joel end up with the baby. I don’t know if that’s the right thing, but it’s my prediction.

Quite honestly, I would really rather that Julia and Joel end up with the baby and Zoe fades into the dark night just so we can stop being subjected to the stereotypical adoption storyline week after week. It’s awfully old now, don’t you think?

I could be wrong. I think it’s a sad, sad thing either way and I’m thankful my husband will be home.

The premise of this particular story is that a Chinese biological family traced their daughter to Ohio. They did not place her for adoption; she was stolen and adopted by an American couple four years prior. The American family thought that they had done everything properly, and all legal documents show that they had. They had no knowledge that their child had been abducted and placed for adoption in an illegal manner. They all landed in court in front of the judge. And she had some questions.

“Have you all gotten together with the child.”

“The attorneys have met briefly with the child.”

“But my question is have you all sat down and tried to work this out.”

“No, your Honor.”

“You just lawyered up and charged into court. Alright. Let me tell you how this is gonna go down. I’ll hear from your side, then yours. But you all need to get this. Right now. Those are the biological parents. You cannot change that. And you need to get this. This little girl has been raised, by them, since the age of two. They’re a part of her life. A big part. Like it or not, you’re all in this pot. One side does not get to erase the other. Do you understand me? The five of you will likely be in each other’s lives forever.”

There are some things here that are generally awesome, especially for television.

First and foremost, that we’re even discussing that illegal, abduction-based adoptions even exist is a good thing. There are things that need to be considered and understood when starting down the path of international adoption. The scenes where the biological parents are freaking out that she no longer remembers them and the little girl speaks up in Chinese and says that she does, in fact, know who they are and that she remembers them… well, count me as one of the sobbing. I’m not a member of the international adoption niche, but I can tell you that the more discussions we have about ethical adoptions the better. Even if we’re not talking about my little niche of adoption, I want ethical reform. For all adoptions. For all members of the triad. End of discussion.

Of course, the episode got into some undertones of adoption when we see that the judge, herself, was adopted and, thus, struggled with her own emotions. It’s really another point that not even judges come into adoption law without their own personal opinions as to who a child really belongs with. Again, it’s an important discussion: It’s hard to change society’s views because everyone thinks that their experience is the right one.

Getting beyond that part, let’s get to the meat and potatoes of what the judge said.

“Like it or not, you’re all in this pot. One side does not get to erase the other. Do you understand me? The five of you will likely be in each other’s lives forever.”

I want to send people that statement every time they start whining about the other side of the triad. When a birth parent does something “unsavory” or, gasp, cusses. When an adoptive parent pushes too hard — or not enough. When the two adult sides can’t manage to act like adults, be civil and work together. I don’t care if she’s snobby. I don’t care if he’s rude. I don’t care if you’d never otherwise hang out with that person under any other circumstance.

The truth is this: That child brought you together whether you really wanted to be brought together or not. Get over yourselves. Get your head in the game. Get back to the heart of the matter. Whether you shut the door or not, you’re still in each others’ lives. Why not act like a compassionate, real human being?

All that said, don’t watch the end of the episode unless you want your heart ripped out. And stepped on. Twice over.

Let’s dig into the meat and potatoes of why I cried last night while watching Glee (when I wasn’t sobbing over Santana).

Puck to Quinn: I’m not angry at you. I let you down. We all did. You just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows, and not one person took ten seconds to help you. And you’re a freaking mess. You have been for three years… ever since I knocked you up. You don’t need a baby or a dude or anybody to make you special.

I had to pause and get more tissues, as Santana’s storyline had exhausted them all.

Finally. Finally someone acknowledged, with words, that Quinn is a freaking mess. Everyone has been calling her the crazy, baby-stealing birth mother, but I said that I saw a birth mother who was obviously, without question, hurting. No one had offered her any help, a kind word, any counseling. No one had even mentioned it in a season. She had a baby. And it was never mentioned again save for the last episode of last season and then, bam, this season.

Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others. Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad.

And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess.

I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her birthday draws near, my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies.

I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest. I’ve done it all — save for drugs and alcohol (and probably only the latter because my kidney disorder makes me a rather cheap date). I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday.

I understand.

Yes, Quinn is a freaking mess. I may never have tried to prove Dee as an unfit parent. I may never have tried to get my daughter’s birth father to sleep with me to create another perfect baby. But I’m a freaking mess too. I just hide it better. Maybe because I’m older. Maybe because I’m not a fictional character on a television show mostly aimed at teenagers. But make no mistake: I hurt just as bad as Quinn. I just deal with it differently.

All of that heartfelt stuff aside, I figure Puck’s actions and revelation to Quinn about said action won’t bode well for any real open adoption relationship between Quinn, Puck, Shelby and Beth. I predict a very big and dramatic end to this storyline, all tidied up nice and neat when Quinn decides to go off at the end of the school year and follow her dreams.

Like a good birth mother should. Right? Sigh.

I honestly could have skipped them both and my life would have been better for it. It was a poorly written week for both shows.

Parenthood did not surprise me as I was twelve kinds of curious and had already viewed the sushi scene online. It was not out of character for Julia to react as she did; we know she’s a control freak. We know she doesn’t possess the “casual” gene. I “get” all of that. I understand that the writers are being true to Julia’s character in these interactions. But couldn’t Sarah have adopted? Couldn’t we have seen a kind of spastic in a different way, not as rigid and certainly not as judgmental potential adoptive mom? I’m not sure Kristina would really be any better, so I’m glad they just knocked her up instead of having her persue adoption. Jasmine would probably be the best one to not freak the heck out during the adoption process, as she was a single mother for so many years, but she’s got her own issues to deal with right now, doesn’t she?

No, Julia’s overreaction to the sushi and her manipulative offer of kale (…) didn’t really push my buttons. I just rolled my eyes at Julia and said, “Oh, Julia.” What killed me, however, were the reactions that Zoe (Latte Girl) had to what Julia had to say.

There is a tension between birth and adoptive parents, even in the best of situations. I know that I am on edge during visits with Munchkin’s Mom for one specific reason: I don’t want her to judge my parenting in a negative manner. Not that she would, but there’s the absolute, deep-down need to be viewed as an equal, as “good enough,” or, really, as more than good enough. The looks that Zoe made when Julia was reproaching her and, later, when Julia was offering her food, made me think back to the times that I felt judged. They were of my own doing as Dee wasn’t judging me. But it’s a hard thing to be thrown backward into that place of insecurity (not good enough to parent your child anyway) and having someone know more than you know about seemingly everything parenting involved. It’s hard. It’s just hard. And watching Zoe deal with all of that brought up a bunch of my old insecurities.

I also have to say that I am left feeling so very sad for Zoe (whom I acknowledge is not a real human being) in that the relationship she is building with Braverman family will experience such a wildly swinging change in dynamic once the baby is born. Will they discuss or address that? Will they show how prior to birth, mothers considering relinquishment kind of have all the control (even though Julia is fighting that)? And how after the baby is born, that control is completely stripped and the new birth mother is left without any understanding of what her role is or how to handle her new position? Or are they just going to send her away completely? My heart will break with any result.

We’re all sitting around, watching and waiting for a mother to be separated from her child — and it is honestly tearing me up. I swear — I SWEAR — if they extend Zoe’s pregnancy past November sweeps and into December — and this baby is BORN on Munchkin’s birthday (WHICH IS A TUESDAY), I will just be obliterated. That said, my prediction is by the end of this month, we will have said hello to baby and goodbye to Zoe — though spoiler rumors indicate some further plot twists (involving fathers! and boyfriends!), so we might make it until December or even January.

And now for Glee: What a waste of an episode.

Those I tweet with on the show warned me before I pressed play: the episode was no good. It wasn’t even the ridiculous adoption storylines throughout the episode. It was the whole episode. It was a flop character wise, issues, musically, just as a whole. Way to start of sweeps month with a flop, Glee writers. Guess you’re not the unicorn either.

I digress. Let’s hit the adoption issues, shall we?

I already knew from the spoilers that Puck and Shelby were going to kiss. Apparently Glee is going for shock-value here, forgetting that Juno already played this card and it was met with negative feedback. All the same, I’m glad that Puck removed the contraband from Shelby’s apartment. I’ve always had a soft spot for him for many reasons: he can sing, the guitar, the dancing, the hot factor and, yes, he’s a birth father. Also, he’s a smartass and I love him for that. But I hope Shelby puts him in his place next time around (though the next episode seems heavy laden with first time sex — oh joy!).

As far as Quinn goes, can someone get this girl some help? Honestly. Can Puck set her down or take her to see the doe-eyed guidance counselor? Can we just hurry along her plunge to rock bottom and have her realize that she needs the help on her own? Something — anything — but what they’re doing here. It’s obvious that Quinn is absolutely stuck in the denial phase of her grieving process. She can’t “get her baby back,” and she doesn’t even seem to realize that as she tries to sabotage Shelby as an adoptive mom. Calling children’s services?

But I get it. As Quinn launched into her rant to Puck after admitting she called children’s services, I cried pretty hard.

Everybody has their big plans: colleges, New York, even you have your stupid pool cleaning business. I mean, what do I have? Beth is perfect. She’s my perfect thing. Something even I can’t screw up. Do you know how hard it is to do something perfectly? I’ll never get that chance again. So even if I never leave this town or accomplish anything, I’ll have her to call mine.

As an active, everyday parent to two boys, I see the flaw in that line of thinking. Now. I created two perfect little boys and am doing a bang up job at screwing them up in spite of my love and devotion and time and awesomeness. Back when I was pregnant with the Munchkin, without the blessing of hindsight, I also saw my daughter as this perfect thing that I had made. But different from Quinn, I was so afraid of screwing her up; that my health and inability to have “stuff” for her would be cheating her out of a life that she deserved and thus start her off screwed up. Little did I know that lack of stuff (or the flip of too much stuff) means so very little in how we parent our children… that we’re going to screw them up anyway. We are. And still, they will be okay. And screw their kids up in their own ways.

Which brings us back to the question: Where is Quinn’s post-placement care? Where is her social worker making sure that she has access to the therapy that she so desperately needs? So she can make sense of her emotions, her feelings, her loss, her grief, her role as a birth mother in a suddenly open adoption. We’re looking at this very over-dramatic “birth mom plots to take back the baby” storyline and that’s all anyone is talking about. The real question should be: WHERE IS HER POST-PLACEMENT CARE? Why is she being forced to do this alone? Where is the discussion on that? Where is the discussion about ethical treatment of birth parents in the post-placement lifetime? Why is it just about how Quinn is off her rocker? Why isn’t the blame being cast on the bigger issue?

And really, Quinn and Zoe are two sides of the same coin. One is dealing with pre-coin-flip stuff: Zoe is awash in self-doubt and glamorizing adoptive parents and generally dealing with the emotional stuff of pre-placement. One is dealing with post-con-flip stuff: Quinn is awash in self-doubt and realizing adoptive parents aren’t perfect and generally dealing with the emotional stuff of post-placement. As someone far enough removed from the immediacy of it all, it’s hard to watch. It’s even harder to look at both of those girls and realize, while not televised and certainly less dramatic, there are pieces of Zoe and Quinn in my story as well.

After watching both Parenthood and Glee this week, I felt drained. Just drained. To watch Zoe battle her own demons and put her faith in Julia took me back to a place where I didn’t view myself as any better than — well, anything or anyone. I doubted myself so much and I just want someone to ask Zoe, “Is this really what you want to do? If it’s not, let’s find a way to make this work for you.” To watch Quinn battle the post-placement demons all alone is so disheartening. Of course, it’s the truth as to how so many birth parents are treated: no resources, no respect. Just go out and figure it out on your own, but be quiet about it while you’re at it, okay? Okay.

I want to take both of these young women into my arms and tell them that there’s so much more for the both of them — in different ways. It scares me that there are young women making decisions about their pregnancies right now who are watching these shows. Knowing that pre-placement and post-placement counseling are no where near what they need to be, the truth is that too many base their opinions of adoption on what they see on TV, in books and in other forms of media. If we’re not telling these mothers that they can have and deserve more, who will?

Who will?

1. He made them doubt the birth mother with thoughts of “is she just trying to get money.” Because, of course, that’s all mothers making relinquishment plans do: take adoptive parents for all they’re worth. We never just want the best for our child.

OR

2. He made them doubt adoption as a whole with thoughts of “you’ll never love this child like your own.” Zeek has been known to say some off the wall things, so I didn’t put it past him.

Thankfully it was not the latter, because I can’t even handle junk like that. Unfortunately it was the former. “Are you sure she’s even pregnant?” Sigh. Of course, we know she’s pregnant since she went from small, almost invisible bump to CRAZY HUGE PREGNANT in the span of two episodes. That might be how I felt with the boys, but that’s not what happened.

The episode hit the highest point of the season when Joel decided take Zeek to task for his constant meddling in his kids’ lives. Over dinner, Zeek was giving Sarah a hard time about asking Joel and Julia for money to put her ex-husband Seth into rehab. The tension was palpable.

And then came quiet, non-blood-relative, only-married-into-this-crazy Joel’s voice:

“Zeek, that’s enough. I respect that you are trying to protect your family. I understand that, I do, but you have to respect the decision my sister-in-law made here. You raised two smart, wonderful girls. And this one, she’s opened her heart here. And any time you do that, it’s the right choice. Even if you’re not comfortable with it, we’re going to give money to whomever we want. And we’re going to adopt from whomever we want, however we want. And you’re going to have to be okay with that.”

Zeek was stunned into silence. And I kind of did a couch dance for Joel. I’ve always been a fan of Joel. Sure, he looks quiet. He comes across as a background family character. But when you think about it, he’s pretty darn awesome. He reminds me of my husband — marrying me even though he knew my family was loud, big, loud, a little bit crazy and definitely loud. My husband comes across as quiet, but like Joel, he’ll call your BS when he sees it. He can withstand family dinners and beach vacations with my family. He’s pretty awesome, just like Joel.

This episode didn’t really throw me into any unnecessary tailspins. The truth is that adoptive parents come up against resistance from family members and other loved ones when they begin their journeys. The only thing that I would really like to see to balance this out would be a series of scenes that show the opposition that Zoe (Latte Girl) faces in her decision. Or, even Zoe having a moment where she realizes no one is trying to tell her to do anything (no support at all). Just something. I doubt it, but if I was writing the show, I’d at least offer a scene or two to how mothers considering placement deal with their own familial craziness — without getting into a storyline that pits (potential) birth mother against (reluctant) birth father.

Parenthood is not on next week, so we get an entire week off from the crazy. Hooray! The only bad side of that reality is that November is sweeps month, so prepare yourself for the birth of Zoe’s baby, the relinquishment hand-over and some very dramatic twist that will keep viewers tuned in to boost NBC’s ratings. And the worst part? We’ll tune in. See you there!

I got my good cry, but it hurt so deeply.

The moment that they showed Zoe sitting in Julia’s office, I knew where we were going. I knew it wasn’t good. I knew it was going to be a slipper slope into the Bad Lands of Adoptionworld. I looked at my husband said, “Oh no. I’m not ready for this. I didn’t get to prepare for this. I’m not ready.” He sighed. I sighed.

When Zoe looked sideways at Julia in the hospital room after Julia said she wasn’t leaving, I knew exactly where we would end up.

Let’s face it: Being in the hospital with complications, even those as minor as Braxton Hicks contractions, is no fun. When you add in the stress of making an adoption plan, it’s just an emotionally charged situation. I had two surgeries while pregnant with the Munchkin. I was rushed by ambulance — lights and sirens! — from one hospital to another that had a better NICU when my contractions couldn’t be stopped at the smaller hospital. Not knowing whether my baby would live — whether I would live — was a scary, dark time. I had dark thoughts about what would happen to my baby if I happened to die and she lived. Dee wouldn’t have had “rights” as I wouldn’t have been able to sign a TPR. Would my parents have parented her? What would have happened? I didn’t sleep in the hospital, and recall a late night episode of Scooby Doo with my dad.

As Latte Girl looked at Julia, knowing the emotionally charged atmosphere and mindset she was dealing with, I knew there was no turning back.

And then when Julia brought her to her own house, with Joel and their daughter, there was no question in my mind. What mother choosing adoption for her child doesn’t want a dad who will willingly let his daughter paint his fingernails? What mother doesn’t want the “perfect family” who makes pancakes in the morning? What mother doesn’t just melt as a little girl — who could be a sibling — to be just in awe of the baby in her belly?

I hated that Zoe just showed up in a cab and said that Julia and Joel could “have the baby if they still wanted it.” I hated it. It was unrealistic. It was condescending to the decision-making that goes into choosing parents for your child. It was so very Hollywood (just like Kristina’s water breaking at home — though mine did with the Munchkin).

There was never a discussion about how they planned to raise Latte Girl’s son. She never asked them what their thoughts are on education. Or discipline. Or religion. Or — let’s get to the meat and potatoes of the important discussions that need to be had — whether or not they are interested in any form of openness. None of that. Just, “Yep! You can have my baby!” Exit stage left.

And it’s that “exit stage left” that I fear so deeply. Again, the Bravermans are a welcoming bunch. Quirky and loud and obnoxious and stupid and awful and wonderful all at once. They welcomed Jasmine, even though she wasn’t around for five years. They welcome Alex, late learned record and all. They even enveloped the nurse during Kristina’s birth this week. It’s what they do. But they’ve already set Zoe up to exit stage left. Her comments about how she wants a closed adoption. Her standoffish personality. Her cab ride, disappear into the night kind of existence. The writers are setting up for her to give birth, hand over this baby boy and exit stage left with dreams of the future she’ll get to live without being bogged down by a baby.

It’s just disappointing.

I could still be surprised. I could still be pleased. But I’m approaching the rest of this season with caution. Glee is already screwing over my faith in the show. I’m tentatively watching both, scared of what is to come.

It’s funny as to why I’m late writing this post. It’s as almost if technology was trying to save me from the cluster that was last week’s episode, interestingly titled “I Am Unicorn.” (For the record, I Am Not a Unicorn.) First, our DVR did one of those weird skip things and didn’t get the last 20 minutes of the episode. Second, Hulu blocks Glee episodes for eight days after they air on FOX. So this morning I sat down to watch the last 20 minutes of last week’s episode before watching this week’s episode on my DVR — and my Internet connection went out. However, I am a persistent creature, and made it happen.

And sobbed all over myself.

So much of me wanted this to be an okay storyline. When Shelby admitted that she had a crash after relinquishing Rachel (with a Regis Philbin tattoo and a Sinead O’Connor haircut), I wanted to hope that we were really going to show that birth mothers go through all varieties of inner turmoil after deciding to place their child for adoption. For me, I got my nose re-pierced and a new tattoo (which I would have done anyway…). I made some bad hair choices as well. I wanted to believe that we were going to show the difficult self-forgiveness that has to go on in a birth mother’s life for her to begin to make sense of what went wrong.

And then Quinn dyed her hair blonde, showed up in white and told Puck that they were going to get full custody and I sighed, shook my head and gave up. Let’s just trade one stereotype of a birth mother for another, shall we? I knew it was coming, thanks to the spoilers that I read, but I held out that hope. How silly of me.

As for Mr. Shu and Quinn’s mutual yelling spree, which has been hotly debated as to whether it was appropriate or not, here are my thoughts: Quinn started it. If you can’t eat it, don’t dish it. I took my anger out on innocent bystanders a few times in the early days. Then? I played the victim when they decided they were done putting up with my crap. Eventually someone called me on it, blatantly, and it began the process of getting over myself, learning to deal with things in an appropriate manner and moving forward. It was someone who “shouldn’t have” been doing the calling out or who didn’t quite fit the role. But it was necessary. And it was a catalyst for change. Plus, Mr. Shu is hot when he’s yelling, no?

Since this week had no adoption issues, I’ll say this: I cried when they put the cast list up for West Side Story. I also wanted to shake Rachel at various points in time. And I kinda love Brittany all the more. Bicorn. Loved it.

(And Parenthood had no adoption issues either this week. Whew. A week off!)

But I was also appalled.

She’s been spamming quite a few places to get her message out about the casting of this adoption “documentary.” One of them is, arguably, a spam page for “Expectant moms thinking of adoption.” But one of them that got caught in the spam fun was Open Adoption Bloggers’ Facebook page.

Text: I am casting a docu-series for a major cable network. A new show that will be very inspirational and empowering to Birth Mothers and Adoptive Families. Looking for women 16-30 years old who are expecting and looking to place their child in an Open Adoption. Please message me ASAP if you are interested or know someone who might want to share their story.

This is not okay. It’s also stupid and evidence that people in traditional fields do not understand how to use social media even though there’s story after story of people doing it wrong that they could learn from (see also: most recently Ragu). If you’re going to use Facebook to spam your message, do a little research and see if the group you are spamming is going to be remotely interested in your message. This goes beyond being annoyed by spam, of course, as many of the Open Adoption Bloggers are in favor of ethical adoption reform — which also includes taking these adoption documentaries to task. Following a woman around with a camera while she attempts to make a decision of this nature is coercive. She is left feeling like she has no option but to place since she will “ruin” the documentary if she doesn’t. It is the definition of non-verbal coercion. No one says it, no one threatens the expectant mother, but it is understood what the outcome has to be.

Sadly, this is the second “documentary” of this nature that I’ve heard of in the last month. Apparently the OXYGEN Network is also working on their own, but they were “smart” enough to spam Adoptive Families Circle which isn’t filled with people like me who will take them to task. Though they did email Dawn, which is laughable. I don’t know why we’re seeing a resurgence of interest in the documentary aspect of the adoption process. It’s been overplayed for years, and isn’t anything “new” or out of the ordinary. Maybe these documentary people are playing off of what they’re seeing on television, which as we know from my Parenthood and Glee reviews, is non-stop-adoption all the time. It’s a possibility.

But I’m here to tell you: We don’t need another adoption documentary that follows an expectant mother around with cameras. We DO need a big-network documentary that follows around those who are fighting for their Original Birth Certificates. THAT is what society needs to learn about adoption right now. Not more 16 & Pregnant, overplayed, unoriginal, unimaginative, coercive faux-documentary bullcrap.

So, POP Magnet Entertainment, unless you have one of those up your sleeves, the adoption blogosphere really doesn’t want to hear what you have to say — especially in spam form. At the very least, teach your employees not only proper etiquette for promoting your casting search but some common sense. Catch a clue.

Sometimes I should just listen to my gut.

There were many things wrong with the episode, but I will speak only of the adoption-specific issues.

I will say that a few things in this episode showed glimmers of hope and understanding of adoption. When Julia apologized to Latte Girl (Zoe), mentioning that she didn’t have ulterior motives for giving her legal help and then switching to say that she actually did have ulterior motives, I kind of wanted to pat her on the back. It’s awfully hard to admit fault, to admit a wrong-doing. So, I allowed myself to slip back into a hopeful place that the Parenthood writers were going to do something different with adoption.

But then Latte Girl decides to tell Julia why she told her no in the last episode.

“I want a closed adoption. I just feel like it’s just so hard already, you know, and the thought of like handing my baby over to someone I know, someone that I like, I just can’t. So I’m just like a clean break would be easier. God, that sounds so terrible.”

I cussed.

Fantastic. They’re setting up the scenario that every other movie and TV show has overplayed when it comes to adoption. Young girl gets pregnant, doesn’t want to see that baby, gives birth, all is well with the world as she fades into the background. It’s Juno for the small screen. It’s Glee without showtunes. It’s ridiculous.

Of course, being the overly-positive person that I am, I allowed myself to form a train of thought that I want the writers to take now that they’ve set up this overplayed story… because I so desperately want this unique and different show to do something new, something real.

When my daughter’s adoptive dad first brought up the idea of visits, I inwardly balked. “Wouldn’t that be harder — emotionally?” I asked my now-husband. So, yes, I do understand the initial “I don’t want an open adoption” mindset of birth parents. I know that many birth parents struggle with the concept both before the baby arrives (imagining how it works is hard) and after the relinquishment (putting your emotions aside for the best interest of your child is also hard). Many birth parents go back and forth with whether or not they want open, closed, semi and so on. (Some don’t, of course.)

And so, I imagine Latte Girl slowly coming around to the concepts of open adoption. I imagine her being introduced into the fold of the Braverman family. I imagine her being an outskirt character, but one that is embraced when she is present. I imagine her becoming one of those birth mothers that strives to be the best she can be for her daughter in whatever role and fashion she can do that.

Then again, I almost agree with a comment from a reader just yesterday that predicted Kristina will die during childbirth, Adam will not be able to handle the emotional and familial aspects of single-parenting and place the new baby girl with Joel and Julia to keep the baby in the Braverman family. Latte Girl will exit stage left long before this happens, only to show back up after she has had the baby and Julia is happy with her new niece/child.

I don’t know what will happen. Obviously. But I feel cautious already.

A note: With so many shows throwing blatant adoption storylines at us this season, I cannot keep up with them all. I really only watch Parenthood and Glee, though I know Modern Family has one (with a comment about “buying domestic” this time) and Hot in Cleveland had a reunion story last season (though I don’t know if they’re following it through to this season). I will comment if any shows I watch pick up adoption stories, as it seems like the “Cool Kids” thing to do, but I will not start watching a show just because it has an adoption plot. I don’t have enough time for that!

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