I made the very calculated decision not to watch Parenthood and Glee on the same night this week. I knew that with it being November sweeps, both coming back from a week or more off and both wanting the ratings that the adoption mess was going to be, well, messy. I watched Parenthood as it aired on Tuesday night. I then watched Glee on Wednesday afternoon. They were so awful that it took me until Thursday afternoon to write about the episodes.
I honestly could have skipped them both and my life would have been better for it. It was a poorly written week for both shows.
Parenthood did not surprise me as I was twelve kinds of curious and had already viewed the sushi scene online. It was not out of character for Julia to react as she did; we know she’s a control freak. We know she doesn’t possess the “casual” gene. I “get” all of that. I understand that the writers are being true to Julia’s character in these interactions. But couldn’t Sarah have adopted? Couldn’t we have seen a kind of spastic in a different way, not as rigid and certainly not as judgmental potential adoptive mom? I’m not sure Kristina would really be any better, so I’m glad they just knocked her up instead of having her persue adoption. Jasmine would probably be the best one to not freak the heck out during the adoption process, as she was a single mother for so many years, but she’s got her own issues to deal with right now, doesn’t she?
No, Julia’s overreaction to the sushi and her manipulative offer of kale (…) didn’t really push my buttons. I just rolled my eyes at Julia and said, “Oh, Julia.” What killed me, however, were the reactions that Zoe (Latte Girl) had to what Julia had to say.
There is a tension between birth and adoptive parents, even in the best of situations. I know that I am on edge during visits with Munchkin’s Mom for one specific reason: I don’t want her to judge my parenting in a negative manner. Not that she would, but there’s the absolute, deep-down need to be viewed as an equal, as “good enough,” or, really, as more than good enough. The looks that Zoe made when Julia was reproaching her and, later, when Julia was offering her food, made me think back to the times that I felt judged. They were of my own doing as Dee wasn’t judging me. But it’s a hard thing to be thrown backward into that place of insecurity (not good enough to parent your child anyway) and having someone know more than you know about seemingly everything parenting involved. It’s hard. It’s just hard. And watching Zoe deal with all of that brought up a bunch of my old insecurities.
I also have to say that I am left feeling so very sad for Zoe (whom I acknowledge is not a real human being) in that the relationship she is building with Braverman family will experience such a wildly swinging change in dynamic once the baby is born. Will they discuss or address that? Will they show how prior to birth, mothers considering relinquishment kind of have all the control (even though Julia is fighting that)? And how after the baby is born, that control is completely stripped and the new birth mother is left without any understanding of what her role is or how to handle her new position? Or are they just going to send her away completely? My heart will break with any result.
We’re all sitting around, watching and waiting for a mother to be separated from her child — and it is honestly tearing me up. I swear — I SWEAR — if they extend Zoe’s pregnancy past November sweeps and into December — and this baby is BORN on Munchkin’s birthday (WHICH IS A TUESDAY), I will just be obliterated. That said, my prediction is by the end of this month, we will have said hello to baby and goodbye to Zoe — though spoiler rumors indicate some further plot twists (involving fathers! and boyfriends!), so we might make it until December or even January.
And now for Glee: What a waste of an episode.
Those I tweet with on the show warned me before I pressed play: the episode was no good. It wasn’t even the ridiculous adoption storylines throughout the episode. It was the whole episode. It was a flop character wise, issues, musically, just as a whole. Way to start of sweeps month with a flop, Glee writers. Guess you’re not the unicorn either.
I digress. Let’s hit the adoption issues, shall we?
I already knew from the spoilers that Puck and Shelby were going to kiss. Apparently Glee is going for shock-value here, forgetting that Juno already played this card and it was met with negative feedback. All the same, I’m glad that Puck removed the contraband from Shelby’s apartment. I’ve always had a soft spot for him for many reasons: he can sing, the guitar, the dancing, the hot factor and, yes, he’s a birth father. Also, he’s a smartass and I love him for that. But I hope Shelby puts him in his place next time around (though the next episode seems heavy laden with first time sex — oh joy!).
As far as Quinn goes, can someone get this girl some help? Honestly. Can Puck set her down or take her to see the doe-eyed guidance counselor? Can we just hurry along her plunge to rock bottom and have her realize that she needs the help on her own? Something — anything — but what they’re doing here. It’s obvious that Quinn is absolutely stuck in the denial phase of her grieving process. She can’t “get her baby back,” and she doesn’t even seem to realize that as she tries to sabotage Shelby as an adoptive mom. Calling children’s services?
But I get it. As Quinn launched into her rant to Puck after admitting she called children’s services, I cried pretty hard.
Everybody has their big plans: colleges, New York, even you have your stupid pool cleaning business. I mean, what do I have? Beth is perfect. She’s my perfect thing. Something even I can’t screw up. Do you know how hard it is to do something perfectly? I’ll never get that chance again. So even if I never leave this town or accomplish anything, I’ll have her to call mine.
As an active, everyday parent to two boys, I see the flaw in that line of thinking. Now. I created two perfect little boys and am doing a bang up job at screwing them up in spite of my love and devotion and time and awesomeness. Back when I was pregnant with the Munchkin, without the blessing of hindsight, I also saw my daughter as this perfect thing that I had made. But different from Quinn, I was so afraid of screwing her up; that my health and inability to have “stuff” for her would be cheating her out of a life that she deserved and thus start her off screwed up. Little did I know that lack of stuff (or the flip of too much stuff) means so very little in how we parent our children… that we’re going to screw them up anyway. We are. And still, they will be okay. And screw their kids up in their own ways.
Which brings us back to the question: Where is Quinn’s post-placement care? Where is her social worker making sure that she has access to the therapy that she so desperately needs? So she can make sense of her emotions, her feelings, her loss, her grief, her role as a birth mother in a suddenly open adoption. We’re looking at this very over-dramatic “birth mom plots to take back the baby” storyline and that’s all anyone is talking about. The real question should be: WHERE IS HER POST-PLACEMENT CARE? Why is she being forced to do this alone? Where is the discussion on that? Where is the discussion about ethical treatment of birth parents in the post-placement lifetime? Why is it just about how Quinn is off her rocker? Why isn’t the blame being cast on the bigger issue?
And really, Quinn and Zoe are two sides of the same coin. One is dealing with pre-coin-flip stuff: Zoe is awash in self-doubt and glamorizing adoptive parents and generally dealing with the emotional stuff of pre-placement. One is dealing with post-con-flip stuff: Quinn is awash in self-doubt and realizing adoptive parents aren’t perfect and generally dealing with the emotional stuff of post-placement. As someone far enough removed from the immediacy of it all, it’s hard to watch. It’s even harder to look at both of those girls and realize, while not televised and certainly less dramatic, there are pieces of Zoe and Quinn in my story as well.
After watching both Parenthood and Glee this week, I felt drained. Just drained. To watch Zoe battle her own demons and put her faith in Julia took me back to a place where I didn’t view myself as any better than — well, anything or anyone. I doubted myself so much and I just want someone to ask Zoe, “Is this really what you want to do? If it’s not, let’s find a way to make this work for you.” To watch Quinn battle the post-placement demons all alone is so disheartening. Of course, it’s the truth as to how so many birth parents are treated: no resources, no respect. Just go out and figure it out on your own, but be quiet about it while you’re at it, okay? Okay.
I want to take both of these young women into my arms and tell them that there’s so much more for the both of them — in different ways. It scares me that there are young women making decisions about their pregnancies right now who are watching these shows. Knowing that pre-placement and post-placement counseling are no where near what they need to be, the truth is that too many base their opinions of adoption on what they see on TV, in books and in other forms of media. If we’re not telling these mothers that they can have and deserve more, who will?
Who will?