BigBrother was seriously — SERIOUSLY — into jamming with Munchkin. He’s been talking about “rocking out” with her since I told him that we were going on this visit. I got some HILARIOUS pictures, including this one. I told them to smile for the camera, but BigBrother was SERIOUSLY rocking the musician look.
Dee said, “I think someone needs a guitar.”
She might be right.
I’m in full on pre-visit panic mode.
I’m sweating. My stomach hurts. I can’t concentrate on the work I need to finish before I pack. My vision does that shaky thing that it does when my blood pressure it completely out of whack. I think my ears are ringing too.
In short, I’m a mess.
Dee and I were talking about it; she knows this happens to me before a visit. There’s nothing she can do or say to “magic” this feeling away. I won’t feel better until after we’re there and settled in — at which point different anxiety settles in. But this pre-visit stuff is just killer.
I said to Dee, “I totally get why some birth parents aren’t able to handle visits. This feeling sucks right now and it would be easier for me to just not leave the house.”
Of course, in doing so, I would not only be letting down the Munchkin, but both of my boys. I always wait until the week or two before a visit to tell them that we’re heading to visit their sister. When they were a bit younger, it was to avoid the “time is meaningless” sense of immediacy that accompanies toddlerhood. Nowadays it’s because I understand that last minute changes can happen — and I can only handle so many mornings of, “Is TODAY the day we leave to see Munchkin?” Though, once BigBrother figured it out that we were leaving on Veteran’s Day this time, he’s been handling the countdown on his own. It’s been kind of fun.
I deal with my anxiety because dealing with their disappointment would be far worse. In fact, dealing with their disappointment, Munchkin’s disappointment and my anxiety would be worse than just dealing with the anxiety in the first place. (See? A logical thought!) That doesn’t make it easy, of course. Even if my sons didn’t exist, I’d still push through the anxiety and make good on the visit because keeping promises I make to my daughter is important to me. I make it a priority. Letting her down is not really something I feel comfortable doing, nor do I want to make a habit of it. I always want her to know that she is a priority in my life. Pushing through my anxiety is something that I do on a regular basis for all of my kids — because I’d be just fine and dandy to sit home in my PJs and not face new people, crowds or new situations. Ever.
I’ll be finishing up my work shortly and then heading off to finish packing. I’m spending the evening with some friends, so I will have something to focus on until I force myself to go to sleep. It was an accident, but I think it might be a good idea for future visits to plan something with friends the evening before hand.
Tomorrow I’ll see my beautiful daughter again — which will be a lovely reward for a seven hour drive with two very talkative sons of mine. Eye on the prize!