3

Why It’s Not a Memoir

As the new contract(s) listing both me and Dawn as co-authors are being sent out by our agent (!), the book is in the front of my thought process. I think of it when showering and when I’m driving. It’s just there, making itself known. We’re starting to work on some things individually and attempting to schedule time to work together. Perhaps we need to employ Skype with video and voice conferencing. You wouldn’t think an hour distance along 70 would be a huge deal. You’ve never seen my schedule or Dawn’s; we’re busy women.

I’ve received some questions (polite ones) via email as to why I’m not writing a memoir. And, similarly, why Dawn isn’t either. Originally we thought we could pair our memoirs together, making an interesting dual story as our timelines are so close but we struggled. I don’t know why she struggled but I just recently, during one of the above mentioned drives, realized why I was struggling so much. Music helped me figure it out as music often does.

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

-”Unwritten” by Natasha Beddingfield

And that’s my problem. The rest is still unwritten.

I read a book (Thinking About Memoir, Abigail Thomas, 2008) before Dawn’s agent approached her/us about pairing up. It’s always been my goal to write a book but I had been struggling with the topic, subject, genre and other associated issues. Everyone has always assumed I would be writing a memoir and so I spent a large chunk of time researching memoir writing. One of the things that I took away from that book was that a memoir wasn’t and/or didn’t have to be an entire life story. Just a glimpse, one story or a few stories that made up a bigger story.

But I can’t seem to wrap my head around how to do that with my story.

And I had so many questions for myself. Did my story start with the two lines on a stick? Or the conception? Or the emotional turmoil that sent me to New Jersey in the first place? Or earlier? And when did it end? I had more concise answers as to when it didn’t end. At birth, as some in society would assume? No. After the first visit? No. Her first birthday? No, though that would make an easy ending, most of my healing occurred after that point. After my oldest son’s birth? Again, while easy, so much more came up after that point. After their divorce? No, because that’s overly negative and D and I have strengthened our relationship so much since that time. There’s no good ending to my story.

And what’s a story without a good ending?

Don’t get me wrong. I’d really love to write my story someday. But it’s still being written, both in everyday life and here on the blog. I don’t know what the story is going to say about me or adoption just yet. That’s what I keep getting hung up on. I expect our story to take a few more twists and turns over the years. I expect us to have a disagreement or twelve. I expect us to have some really wonderful moments. I expect (and hope) to continue to grow, change and really push myself towards maintaining my inner peace. The story isn’t over.

I don’t know if it ever will be.

My biggest fans may just have to be content to read the blog when it comes to my personal journey. Dawn and I have chosen to go the non-memoir route both because of the saturated genre and because, really, we feel we have some important things to say on the topic. Open adoption can be great but it’s hard. It’s changing things both in the adoption industry and in society. The changes haven’t always been good or ethical but openness is changing things and we need to discuss it all. There are stories that need to be heard, sometimes as cautionary tales and sometimes as encouraging ones. People are still going to adopt, whether we tell a doomsday story or not. As such, what I think Dawn and I are hoping to accomplish is to provide enough information… the information we weren’t provided with prior to starting our respective journeys. That’s always been my biggest complaint: I wasn’t given the information.

And maybe that’s why I’ve always felt so compelled to write a book. Less about my story and more about what I need others to know before they walk this road. (Can you hear the gears clicking in my brain?)

Also, we have a dual twitter account, @YMObook. We’ll be throwing out requests for information and interviews as well as updates. Feel free to follow if you so desire. (Any requests for information will be retweeted by one or both so you don’t necessarily need to follow unless you want to watch the grueling process of writing a book.)

6

Thoughts on Reform

As I start planning, writing and managing tone, I’m thrown into a state of remembrance. I am remembering phone calls between myself and the agency through which I placed.

I wish I had known to record those phone calls. I wish I had known half of what they weren’t telling me.

I think I want to interview agencies that do a good job on educating expectant parents considering relinquishment about the realities of grief and loss. I do not know how to go about finding one of those. More over, it would be especially awesome if said agency also educated potential adoptive parents as to how birth parent grief and loss is to be expected and is absolutely no reason to close an adoption.

Am I creating fictitious agencies in my mind?

All of the thought over the past few days has left me wondering how people, not companies/agencies but the real people sitting at the desk or on the other end of a phone, can mislead other human beings and not feel weighed down with guilt for the rest of their lives. Or are some of them equally mislead? Who does the initial blame belong with? How far back in history do we have to go? I start thinking of all of these questions and I get overwhelmed with sadness for an industry that desperately needs reform but, sadly, those working in it aren’t even fully aware of what changes need to be made.

Yet I refuse to believe we’re fighting a losing battle. And that’s what makes me… me.

23

On Writing and Such

My life has been making all kinds of interesting twists and turns over the past… well, forever. More specifically, however, my life has been making some very specific career twists and turns. As you might recall, I’m working out of the home (very) part-time now as a newspaper photographer. And people keep contacting me for freelancing gigs.

And then there’s that book thing.

Yes, Dawn outed me/us today because she’s insane. Maybe not insane. Maybe she’s less scared than me. I would have been perfectly content to be ten thousand kinds of vague in my request for interviews and the like over the next few months. Why? A few reasons come to mind. One of them is a huge fear of failure (which I’m learning goes away when you believe in yourself; WHO KNEW!). Another reason is because being vague and cryptic creates suspense! Right? Lastly, as I said to Dawn, now I actually have to work instead of sitting over here eating bon-bons as I do.

Oh wait. That last point might not be valid.

Short run down: we’re writing a book. About adoption. Not about our adoptions and the specifics of our open adoption relationships because, well, memoirs are kind of hard to sell right now because there’s one about every thing under the sun right now. (That said I’m reading a fabulously written memoir right now (because I do adore the genre) about death and infidelity and betrayal. It uses cuss words but ohsoappropriately. This particular memoir makes me glad that we’re not writing a memoir because there’s absolutely no way that I would want my memoir writing compared to hers because, really, it’s that good. Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal by Julie Metz. Pick it up but maybe not if your spouse has recently died. Just sayin’.) Anyway, back to our non-memoir. It was at one point in our talks asked if we would write a “how-to” regarding adoption which I initially balked at (and still do). That thought felt icky. What we’re working on right now is more of a critical (not meaning negative) look at open adoption. And such. Which is very descriptive, is it not? Totally.

We’ve been kicking around ideas for a couple of months now. When I was brought into the fold of this project, I was surprised that Delia knew who I was and, as such, I have a word of advice for anybody who aspires to write anything. Ever.

Blog. And blog well. Because you never know who is reading your blog.

All of this feels overwhelming and wonderful and scary and exciting and tedious and thrilling. I think it’s incredibly wonderful, dorky and technologically awesome that we’re utilizing Google Wave to keep track of ideas, interviews, topics, chapters and all that other stuff. I am always amazed at how truly lucky I am to be alive in this current “day” of “stuff.” Sure, it’s overwhelming. Sure, it creates challenges that didn’t exist before all of this “stuff” existed. But, man, sometimes things really work together to make aspects of my life/our lives easier. The argument, of course, then comes into play whether all of this “stuff” has made the publishing industry fall on its doopa but, well, as my grandma says about falling on your doopa: you can always get back up, sometimes you just have to find another way to do so.

I have no idea where this specific journey will take me. I do know that my house is messy, my laundry needs washed, my husband fought a late night fire and is exhausted and I can’t walk in heels. That’s about it right now. Those bits of knowledge aside, I’m loving the encouragement that has been sent to me via twitter today. I just read through everything after returning from an impromptu shopping trip with my boys and my mother-in-law. The retail therapy and the encouragement make me feel ready to conquer the world.

Kind of.