I step away from reading and commenting for a few weeks to do some personal healing and introspection and people lock up their blogs. What has been going on in the adoption blog world? What kinds of drama have I missed? How interesting. How saddening. Or, is it sad?

I’ve often wondered if I should lock up or shut down. Every time I consider it, I decide that’s not the route I want to go. Those are the times that you will see me very little in your blogs or on my own blog(s). As I debate with myself over right and wrong and left and right and up and down. I’ve been so busy putting my own emotional state of being back together that I’ve missed what’s been going on. I feel out of the loop…

and yet, that doesn’t seem to bother me to the point that it once might have not all that long ago.

For me, especially here on this particular blog, my point of writing has become less about this, that or the other thing and more about me, us and our story. And I think that’s why I’ve been so quiet. I don’t have much to report, add to or sort through regarding our story. Things being what they are, I don’t have anything to “chronicle” as it were. I discuss adoption issues as they stand on the birth parent blog and find this the place where I like to remain personal in our adoption journey.

I’m rambling, of course, trying to make sense of what I’m attempting to say. But this blog will be around for quite some time. Until I forget to pay a bill or something. (Last one went to my spam box! Oh noes!) I do foresee a change in what I address on this blog though. Not that I won’t be linking to vitally important issues (like this one!) but, oh, I don’t know. Perhaps I’ve just spent so much time and energy focusing on the outside world over the past two years that I was left with little room or time for myself.

And even still, I’d rather focus on my children than myself. Such is life in my heart.

(All that said and to contradict everything in this post, I’ll be addressing Juno at length tomorrow.)

Those in my smaller personal circle already know the news. I’ve been keeping it under my hat for sometime. Since February, really. At first, I didn’t want to say anything in case it fell through the cracks. But then I signed the contract and my hopes raised a little bit. Still, I knew things could fail and I kept my mouth shut. I worked, feverishly, to create something that represented me (and us) in the best and most realistic way. I wanted feedback but didn’t want to out myself. And so, once again, my Husband took on yet another role in my life as editor. Final copies and edits were decided upon. And still, I said nothing. I feared looking like a failure if something happened. I hate failure. Hate it.

And then the paycheck came. And I shared the news with a few more people. But I didn’t take it “public public” on blogs. A mention on twitter. A photo on flickr. But no “coverage” on any of my blogs. What if the entire company went bankrupt or exploded to smithereens before it all came to pass? I just couldn’t do it.

But I’m physically holding two copies in my hand now. Advance copies, yes. So, something could still explode before it hits newsstands, but I feel pretty confident as, if something bizarre happened, I could scan it for the reading public. What am I talking about?

I’ve been published in Redbook. Of course, it’s about my(our) adoption story. The entire article has seven personal essays that focus on the harder sides of motherhood. (Pregnancy loss, abortion, postpartum depression/psychosis, premature birth, pregnancy & labor complications and  stillbirth.) Oh. And me. I represent the adoption portion of motherhood issues.

My editors wanted me to be honest, to focus on things that were hard. And I did. I did include some points of positivity as well as I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am lucky and blessed to be a part of a fully open adoption, to be a part of her life. I think I represented myself and our story well. I think I represented mothers of loss in a decent way. Someone, somewhere, will find it too negative, even among the other stories. Someone, somewhere, will find it too positive to represent birth mothers as a whole. But it’s my story. And I told it. With my own words.

None of it would have happened without this blog. This blog that was started and moved around and dissed by others at various points in time. This blog that has garnered me hate mail, nasty comments and people who assume themselves to be my enemies. This blog that I have often wondered if I should continue writing in, if there is any point in sharing my story over and over, in rehashing issues and memories and stories and events and news and emotions.

I’m still feeling reserved on the blog. I’m in a strange place as I deal with my hormonal fallout and postpartum depression but strive for healing and wellness. I don’t always know how much to share and what to keep for myself. But I am re-encouraged to keep writing at this point. What I have to say isn’t always happy. It isn’t always easy. But it’s always my truth. And I’ll keep telling it.

Pick up the May issue of Redbook magazine (Helen Hunt on the cover). To hit stands in a week or two. But keep the hate mail to a minimum. My delete button can only be pressed so many times. Oh, I’m funny today.