Writing » The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

I’m Alive and I’m Inspired

Jun 272011

I haven’t written here in two weeks. I have reasons. We were on a much-needed and gloriously relaxing family vacation. Then we lost and buried a dear friend. And then I beat feet to the Type-A Parent Conference (at which I spoke on photography)… and during which I got twelve different kinds of inspired. I’m sure I’ll talk about some of the fire lighting that occurred during the conference over the next few weeks, either here or there, but right now, I have to talk about something important.

First off, I met Katherine Stone (@postpartumprogr). If you’re not familiar with the work she does at Postpartum Progress, you need to hit her site and be in awe of all she has done. She recently got her 501(c)3 for her non-profit and I couldn’t be more proud of her. We’ve “known” each other for years, as I experienced postpartum depression after the birth of each of my sons. And, if I was able to separate the PTSD caused by relinquishment from PPD, I could probably claim that as well after Munchkin’s birth. I have history of depression which is a risk factor for PPD. Thankfully, I got the help I needed. Which is really why Katherine’s site exists.

I attended her session on Cause Blogging for many reasons. I get passionate about the cause of birth parents and ethical adoption. And I adore Katherine. And two wild-and-crazy ladies made sure I showed up there as well and didn’t hide out in my room due to anxiety about speaking during the next time slot. (Check out their joint effort, by the way.) I knew I wanted to go. I told Katherine I was going. And I’m glad I went.

But man, it was intense for me.

First of all, I was surrounded by people who are doing wonderful things within their cause. In attendance was Susan (@whymommy) who won the Bloganthropy (@bloganthropy) award for her work with Mothers With Cancer (among many other awesome things that she does). And Ellen (@lovethatmax) who is pretty awesome. And Dawn Davenport (@dawndavenport1), the awesome behind Creating A Family (you remember my radio interview, yes?). And I got twelve kinds of antsy when I realized that these people are Big Stuff. I mean, who am I? Just some birth mother with a blog. Who cares?

I almost totally shut down when Katherine told us that we need to “wear our cause on our sleeves.” She related a story about how she recently was talking about her site and PPD in a group of mixed company when a pastor said that he never knows where to refer mothers who come to him with postpartum issues. Now he does, simply because she talked about it at will. She said that’s why we need to be open about who we are and what we do.

… sigh.

Later (as in not during her session) I told her that I don’t want to wear adoption on my sleeve, or more specifically, the title of birth mother. Everyone has always told me that discretion is fine. I can tell people about my title of birth mother when I am ready, or as I say it, when it comes up organically. I don’t introduce myself, “Hi, I’m Jenna and I’m a birth mother.” She told me that I don’t have to do it that way.

But attending blogging conferences is interesting in this regard. I met two new people at our very first dinner get-together. Sherry asked me, “So what do you blog about?” I had just handed her my card. There are obviously two blogs listed. I stumbled for a second and thought to myself, “Eff it,” and went ahead and explained my story as briefly as possible. I had the inward anxiety flush and I kind of lost my hearing for a moment. This scene was repeated… well, repeatedly throughout the conference. I didn’t die. Maybe Katherine is right.

The truth is that as I continue to write here (and, well, everywhere), I become less anxious with saying, “I’m a birth mother.” At the Birthmother’s Day event in May, I kind of balked at being asked, “Are you a birth mother” during sign in, but I said yes. And I didn’t burst into flame nor did anyone chase me with a pitchfork. I had to do so at the end of Katherine’s session as we all stated our names, blogs and causes. It’s interesting to me that absolutely no one said anything negative to me all weekend. Some asked questions. Some didn’t. Some just said that they liked my necklace. (I have awesome necklaces.)

Back to the session, Katherine reminded us to be personal in our postings as we are each the faces of our cause. By being personal, we are bringing it home to those who happen across our sites. We are relate-able. We are real. We are not a statistic or a number.

Between her session and Patti Digh‘s (@pattidigh) keynote and session, I feel a renewed sense of purpose. I’ll be working on some inward things over the next few weeks to figure out some stuff. And, really, the travel break from posting about adoption was probably what I needed. We have another visit coming up and I feel a clarity if not a peace about it.

I’m learning to be okay with who I am in this journey and how I view things. As Patti instructed us, I’m going to be working on letting go of the audience, embracing the ordinary and using my voice. Those were always my goals. I just needed to be reminded.

It’s funny that my head is overflowing with posts, but I needed to get all of this out and said first. Hopefully they stick around for awhile; at least long enough to get them out!

Why It’s Not a Memoir

Writing 3 Responses »

Jan 152010

As the new contract(s) listing both me and Dawn as co-authors are being sent out by our agent (!), the book is in the front of my thought process. I think of it when showering and when I’m driving. It’s just there, making itself known. We’re starting to work on some things individually and attempting to schedule time to work together. Perhaps we need to employ Skype with video and voice conferencing. You wouldn’t think an hour distance along 70 would be a huge deal. You’ve never seen my schedule or Dawn’s; we’re busy women.

I’ve received some questions (polite ones) via email as to why I’m not writing a memoir. And, similarly, why Dawn isn’t either. Originally we thought we could pair our memoirs together, making an interesting dual story as our timelines are so close but we struggled. I don’t know why she struggled but I just recently, during one of the above mentioned drives, realized why I was struggling so much. Music helped me figure it out as music often does.

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

-”Unwritten” by Natasha Beddingfield

And that’s my problem. The rest is still unwritten.

I read a book (Thinking About Memoir, Abigail Thomas, 2008) before Dawn’s agent approached her/us about pairing up. It’s always been my goal to write a book but I had been struggling with the topic, subject, genre and other associated issues. Everyone has always assumed I would be writing a memoir and so I spent a large chunk of time researching memoir writing. One of the things that I took away from that book was that a memoir wasn’t and/or didn’t have to be an entire life story. Just a glimpse, one story or a few stories that made up a bigger story.

But I can’t seem to wrap my head around how to do that with my story.

And I had so many questions for myself. Did my story start with the two lines on a stick? Or the conception? Or the emotional turmoil that sent me to New Jersey in the first place? Or earlier? And when did it end? I had more concise answers as to when it didn’t end. At birth, as some in society would assume? No. After the first visit? No. Her first birthday? No, though that would make an easy ending, most of my healing occurred after that point. After my oldest son’s birth? Again, while easy, so much more came up after that point. After their divorce? No, because that’s overly negative and D and I have strengthened our relationship so much since that time. There’s no good ending to my story.

And what’s a story without a good ending?

Don’t get me wrong. I’d really love to write my story someday. But it’s still being written, both in everyday life and here on the blog. I don’t know what the story is going to say about me or adoption just yet. That’s what I keep getting hung up on. I expect our story to take a few more twists and turns over the years. I expect us to have a disagreement or twelve. I expect us to have some really wonderful moments. I expect (and hope) to continue to grow, change and really push myself towards maintaining my inner peace. The story isn’t over.

I don’t know if it ever will be.

My biggest fans may just have to be content to read the blog when it comes to my personal journey. Dawn and I have chosen to go the non-memoir route both because of the saturated genre and because, really, we feel we have some important things to say on the topic. Open adoption can be great but it’s hard. It’s changing things both in the adoption industry and in society. The changes haven’t always been good or ethical but openness is changing things and we need to discuss it all. There are stories that need to be heard, sometimes as cautionary tales and sometimes as encouraging ones. People are still going to adopt, whether we tell a doomsday story or not. As such, what I think Dawn and I are hoping to accomplish is to provide enough information… the information we weren’t provided with prior to starting our respective journeys. That’s always been my biggest complaint: I wasn’t given the information.

And maybe that’s why I’ve always felt so compelled to write a book. Less about my story and more about what I need others to know before they walk this road. (Can you hear the gears clicking in my brain?)

Also, we have a dual twitter account, @YMObook. We’ll be throwing out requests for information and interviews as well as updates. Feel free to follow if you so desire. (Any requests for information will be retweeted by one or both so you don’t necessarily need to follow unless you want to watch the grueling process of writing a book.)