FAQ
So, what’s this blog about?
This blog is about my journey as a birth mother involved in a fully open adoption. I write about my experiences with this adoption journey, my opinions on current adoption issues and occasionally share cute stories, photos or anecdotes. I do rant from time to time but it’s generally a happy place.
Are you anti-adoption, pro-adoption or what?
I don’t fit a label. I believe that adoption as it exists today, whether foster, international or domestic, needs vast ethical reform. I believe that all children deserve safe loving homes. I believe that abolishing adoption is as ridiculous as abolishing abortion (see below) and would be counter-productive. I generally hate adoption agencies, with a few exceptions. I think advertising “available children” online is beyond smarmy. I believe that successful open adoptions are possible but not with the amount of preparation that agencies are currently giving or, rather, not giving families. And, most importantly, I support adoptees in their fight to obtain access to their Original Birth Certificates.
Wait a minute here: you’re pro-choice?
Yes. Choosing adoption does not magically make one pro-life. I would move mountains in order to help a woman who wanted to continue her pregnancy and parent her child. I would also move mountains to ensure that a woman had safe access to an abortion if that was her choice.
Don’t you think open adoption is just swell?
Yes and no. Our open adoption has been a success due to lots of hard work, time and perserverence. It has not been without issue. It works because we make it work. As for the rest of the existing open adoptions, I can’t say one way or the other. I do know that open adoption is not a band-aid for future issues for adoptees or as a way to escape pain for birth mothers. I do know that adoptive parents can struggle with real, legitimate and big emotional and logistical issues when it comes to relationships with their child’s first family. I do know that without a true dedication to the relationship and/or any education from an agency/counselor prior to said issues, open adoptions will fail.
Uhm? First family? Didn’t you just say birth mother up there? What language do you use?
I use a mish-mosh. I use terms interchangeably, though I draw the line at the use of natural or real mother. Others can use them as they wish, but I am not personally comfortable with those terms. For reference, natural mother is actually the term used on legal paperwork back in the day and still exists in some states. It’s not really a slight to adoptive mothers but, again, I don’t prefer the term myself.
Why do you have a comment policy?
Because people are mean. Plain and simple. I absolutely promise you that I am not the only one doing this nor was I the one to create the concept of comment policies. In fact, creating a comment policy is considered good blogging etiquette. Of course, not being a total asshat in the comment section of someone elses’ blog would also be considered good blogging etiquette but I can’t control other people. I can only control me which involves controlling my space.
Will you link to my blog?
That depends. Have you written something awesome? It’s possible. But I’m busy. That said, don’t hesitate to send me a link. I like to read, too!
I don’t know if we should have an open adoption with my daughter’s birth family. Can you help? // I don’t know what to do with my daughter’s adoptive mom. Can you help? // Should I parent or place? Can you help?
The short answer to all of these questions is no. The long answer is that I simply don’t have time to answer all of the questions that come my way about your personal open adoptions. Please visit Open Adoption Support which is a fabulous site. I keep an eye on it myself and if you ask a question that falls into my limited area of expertise, I’ll comment. But I’m brutally honest over there so don’t expect rainbows and butterflies.
I sent you an email. You haven’t responded. WTF?
Well, there are many reasons. I have a crazy high spam filter on my domain account because spammers eat my precious time. So, that’s a possibility. The contact form makes it through about 99% of the time, unless you use spammy words, so that’s your best bet. Beyond that, there are any number of reasons. Is it summer? I travel 90% of the weeks in the summer. Is it winter? I am probably moping and disgruntled. Is it spring? I’m running. Is it fall? I’m out playing in the leaves. In short: I have a life outside of this blog. Just as I said above, I can’t solve all of your problems. I’d love to, I would. But I have to draw the line with the amount of stuff I take upon myself to fight for, with or against. I also can’t allow too much negative energy into my life. (Bad situations are different than negative energy.) I do what is best for myself and my family at any given time. If I don’t respond, don’t worry; it’s me, not you. (Unless you’ve harassed me online… then it’s you! Meaning: I don’t engage crazypants, stalkers, harassing tweeters or trolls. I just don’t. Move along, please and thank you.)
Will you write for our adoption agency’s website?
Hell to the no. (See also: Why I Won’t Write for Your Adoption Agency Blog.)
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Please feel free to contact me with other questions, especially if you think they belong on this list.
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Updated 12.2.11