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More Than Meets the Blog

Recently I was accused of letting adoption rule my life here on this blog. Someone else sent a nasty message on the family blog about how I hide behind my children. Apparently you can’t please everyone by what you choose to share… and what you choose to withhold… on your blog(s).

Adoption has shaped a large part of who I am. Adoption is not all that I am. In fact, even if you read my other blog, the other blogs I contribute to, twitter, Facebook and anything else that I participate online, you will still only have the very basic of ideas as to who I am as a person, a wife, a mother, a birth mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and so on.

I read like an open book sometimes. I frequently let it all hang out there, opening up my experience for others to read, learn from, share their own and generally participate in the give and take of life lessons. I’ve spoken, honestly, as to how the experience of blogging has been integral in my healing process. More over, I have made some life long friends, inside and outside the adoption blogosphere/industry/realm. My life has been changed by their sharing, their caring, their challenges and their friendship.

But that doesn’t mean that even the closest among them know every last thing about me.

There are things that I don’t find it necessary to talk about on the Internet or even with my real life friends over weekly coffee. I’m not going to launch into lengthy diatribes about faith; I have mine, you have yours, end of story for me. I’m not going to discuss our finances other than to say the tax refund was good and we’re buying a new couch and recliner. When we’re struggling, I won’t complain out loud. When we’re rolling in the dough (see also point 4 here), I won’t rave out loud. I’m not going to discuss sex or anything associated with it. (Hi, Mother-in-law!) I’m also not going to go into lengthy discussions about family relationships on the blogs because they read. (Also, I’ve learned that if you write about your family when you’re angry, it hurts more than it helps.) Those things, faith and money and sex and family, are huge parts of my life. Not discussing them means that my readers don’t know those parts of my life.

But just because I don’t discuss them doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, don’t shape who I am. I think it’s important that we keep that in mind when we read others’ blogs. Even someone who seems to wear their heart on their blog isn’t likely telling you absolutely everything. I know that I’ve jumped to a conclusion and even, gasp, judged before only to later learn the whole story… and ended up feeling like a heel. I’ve apologized to those individuals. I’ll apologize again in the future because I will forget to take my own advice and I’ll think, “What the heck is this person going on about?” But I try to keep it in mind at all times.

All of this is my long-winded way of saying that I’m more than a birth mother. I am more than adoption. I am even more than an everyday mom. And a wife. And even more than a blogger. So much more.

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Some Thoughts on Sharing, Over-Sharing and The Like

As I make my way back into the groove of blogging and working after the loss of my grandfather, I’m thinking a lot about a question I asked over on BlogHer just yesterday. Basically, the question was:

How much do you share regarding your adoption story? How much is too much?

After I asked that, D let me know that she has purchased a domain and is going to blog! I will not link you as of yet. I will wait for her to find her comfort level and out herself. That said, it was perfect timing for both this question and the one I plan on asking next!

I’ve learned a lot about what is mine to share and what is D’s to share… and what will be Munchkin’s to share. I have learned these boundaries by making mistakes. I like to learn the hard way. I have over-shared at times though D has really only called me out on it once. I fixed it and we got past it, like most of our blips and bloops on our adoption journey.

I think that’s what makes adoption blogging so difficult.

I can write just about anything about the family that lives under my roof. I’m participating in the making of these stories. As long as I am not putting my husband’s job in jeopardy, I am pretty much free to share what I please. I do censor myself in some ways, refusing to share anything about our sexual relationship not really because I’m a prude but because my husband’s grandparents read our blog. (There’s an ick factor there when it comes to sex, no?) Again, while I may share about fires, I don’t share details of the fire itself and more often share about what I experienced, at home, while he was off fighting. When I share about the kids, I don’t post pictures of naked tushies or anything overly embarrassing. As Dawn said in her comment to the question, I will always give the family veto power.

But it works differently in adoption.

It’s not always possible to share only my story. Our stories, as they pertain to adoption, get tangled together in different ways. We also view things differently, react to them differently and experience them on different levels and in different ways. I think I mostly make that clear in my writing but I suppose that can get lost in translation.

I rarely write about the Munchkin herself here, sans-really cute stories of our conversations or the occasional discussion of something she is experiencing. Why? I don’t want to step on D’s toes. The truth is that when it comes down to it, she’s the mommy and should therefore be the mommyblogger. You know? I tend to back off in that area, moreso than I used to do. As Shannon pointed out, I’m more apt to talk about theory and ethics and what not rather than the ins and outs of our story. Or my own healing process which still has to be edited at times. It’s difficult, this adoption blogging.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the lines in the sand of this topic shift from time to time. During difficult times, I find it safer, for all, if I hold back a little. During times of ease, I find that it’s a bit more acceptable to go back and rehash some things (respectfully) or share a little more about current stuff. Shifting shifting. It’s probably more about learning what and when than about a hard and fast rule. At least for me. For us.

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Maybe I’m Too Radical?

Suburban Turmoil had a great post about how mommybloggers are no longer radical. I can see what she’s saying. I’m not really pushing too many walls down over at Stop, Drop & Blog myself. I occasionally throw people for a loop but I’ve found my niche by combining fire life specifics with normal, everyday parenting of two wild and crazy boys. My everyday, in-and-out life isn’t all that radical right now. In fact, minus the noise level, it’s really quite calm. I like it that way.

But this blog? It’s always been radical.

In fact, at various points in time, it’s been too radical for public consumption. People don’t want to hear a story of a mother who was very sick while pregnant and got eaten up by an unethical agency intent on making money. People don’t want to hear the story of the grief and loss that accompany the relinquishment of a child. After all, I deserved that pain, didn’t I? I chose to open my legs. I chose to “give away” my baby. This is all my fault, after all. Why don’t I just shut my trap? People don’t want to hear about a birth mother who isn’t a crack addict, a whore, homeless or somehow less than them. It makes them uncomfortable that I’m a great mother, a hardworking writer and a pretty darn good cook to boot. They squirm in their seats and realize that they’re not better than me and that makes them question the industry, society, themselves. They need for me to be something else, something less than what I am. They can’t handle the truth that I bring to the table.

I’m too radical for the mommyblogger world.

This blog is not accepted as a “mommy blog” despite the fact that it falls under that umbrella. My input is not welcome. I have nothing of value to say because it’s too scary, too real. Of course, I know all of this to be hogwash. I know those that have come to me to ask questions, to find support. I know the lives that have been changed because I’ve dared to speak my story, to be a radical, open adoption birth mother giving a voice to the need for adoption reforms.

I know other mothers like me, not just birth mothers, who are pushing back against a world that doesn’t want them to speak their stories. They also lead rather calm, normal lives. They don’t compromise who they are, what they do. And yet, Dawn isn’t shunned because she’s the adoptive mom, the savior in the equation. Until she comes to our defense and then she gets the same hate mail.

I still wonder when a birth mother will be allowed to stand on a stage at a blogging conference and talk. And it’s not for lack of trying. We’re not wanted, despite being mothers and bloggers. We’re told to sit down, shut up. When I mention adoption over on the family blog, like in my birth story, people don’t know what to say. They click away. What do you say to someone that you look down on (for no good reason)? And yet I’m invited to speak at adoption conferences because I’m a well-accepted blogger to those people. But to mommybloggers? Unacceptable.

I’ll keep writing here. I’ll keep pushing back against a society, against a blogosphere that wants me to be quiet. It’s what I do. It’s how I heal. It’s how I make sense of what has happened, how I push to ensure that other mothers are not treated like me as they make their way through the adoption industry. It’s how I find the strength to go on.