Maybe.

But so do adoptive parents. And foster parents. And, to jump out of the adoption niche for thirty seconds, so do:

Biological parents who never had to consider issues of fertility or adoption and are merely parenting the children that they gave birth to. Single parents. Two parent families. Divorced parents. Single parents. Non-parents. Stepparents. Food bloggers. Tech bloggers. Political bloggers. Entertainment bloggers. Book bloggers. Review bloggers.

The list goes on and on.

While it doesn’t justify the issue, I’d be willing to bet that you can’t find me a niche in which a blogger hasn’t made some kind of sweeping generalization that made somebody upset. Even if it only made one person upset, it still counts. Even if the blogger in question was simply writing a review about the movie and said something to the effect of “this director has absolutely no talent and every single movie he has ever made has been complete crap.” Sweeping. Even if it was a food blogger who said “anyone who cooks with x-product doesn’t care about the health of their family.” Generalization. Even if it was a political blogger who said “if you believe x, you are y.” It’s done in every niche.

It doesn’t make it right. But don’t tell me that birth parents and adoptees are the only ones guilty of such a thing. I’ve been called bitter, angry, stupid, immoral. It has been said that birth parents in open adoption are just in it for the fun. It’s been said that birth parents in open adoption are lazy. Adoptive parents have said all kinds of nasty things about birth parents, as a group, on forums and their own blogs for ages. Do I hold that against adoptive parents as a group? Do I shun adoptive parent blogs simply because they have a few bad apples? Do I ignore all adult adoptees because one doesn’t like me? Do I write off birth parent blogs because someone wrote one post, one time, in which she vented her frustration at a system that is, quite honestly, deeply flawed?

No. Instead, I work on my own issues. I try to make sure I’m not guilty of the sweeping generalization, though I will be the first to admit that I have done it before. I did it regularly at first, as I was still working through my own anger issues. More recently, I made the mistake of make a generalized statement because I used the wrong word. I referred to a group and used most instead of some to quantify a specific action/reaction. I apologized. I try not to do it again. But, really, I’m human as are all of the other bloggers out there, no matter their niche. Unless a specific blogger is purposefully and regularly degrading someone or a group of people, I really don’t have an issue with an occasional rant or even, as the case may be, a regular look at things that need to be changed.

But don’t tell me that it’s just me and my birth parent brothers and sisters. And, certainly, don’t tell me that it’s just adult adoptees. Because that statement, in itself, is a huge and offensive sweeping generalization that gets me all riled up and causes me to want to making sweeping generalizations of my own.

Hold individual bloggers responsible for their words, not an entire group.

Adoption has shaped a large part of who I am. Adoption is not all that I am. In fact, even if you read my other blog, the other blogs I contribute to, twitter, Facebook and anything else that I participate online, you will still only have the very basic of ideas as to who I am as a person, a wife, a mother, a birth mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and so on.

I read like an open book sometimes. I frequently let it all hang out there, opening up my experience for others to read, learn from, share their own and generally participate in the give and take of life lessons. I’ve spoken, honestly, as to how the experience of blogging has been integral in my healing process. More over, I have made some life long friends, inside and outside the adoption blogosphere/industry/realm. My life has been changed by their sharing, their caring, their challenges and their friendship.

But that doesn’t mean that even the closest among them know every last thing about me.

There are things that I don’t find it necessary to talk about on the Internet or even with my real life friends over weekly coffee. I’m not going to launch into lengthy diatribes about faith; I have mine, you have yours, end of story for me. I’m not going to discuss our finances other than to say the tax refund was good and we’re buying a new couch and recliner. When we’re struggling, I won’t complain out loud. When we’re rolling in the dough (see also point 4 here), I won’t rave out loud. I’m not going to discuss sex or anything associated with it. (Hi, Mother-in-law!) I’m also not going to go into lengthy discussions about family relationships on the blogs because they read. (Also, I’ve learned that if you write about your family when you’re angry, it hurts more than it helps.) Those things, faith and money and sex and family, are huge parts of my life. Not discussing them means that my readers don’t know those parts of my life.

But just because I don’t discuss them doesn’t mean that they don’t exist, don’t shape who I am. I think it’s important that we keep that in mind when we read others’ blogs. Even someone who seems to wear their heart on their blog isn’t likely telling you absolutely everything. I know that I’ve jumped to a conclusion and even, gasp, judged before only to later learn the whole story… and ended up feeling like a heel. I’ve apologized to those individuals. I’ll apologize again in the future because I will forget to take my own advice and I’ll think, “What the heck is this person going on about?” But I try to keep it in mind at all times.

All of this is my long-winded way of saying that I’m more than a birth mother. I am more than adoption. I am even more than an everyday mom. And a wife. And even more than a blogger. So much more.

How much do you share regarding your adoption story? How much is too much?

After I asked that, D let me know that she has purchased a domain and is going to blog! I will not link you as of yet. I will wait for her to find her comfort level and out herself. That said, it was perfect timing for both this question and the one I plan on asking next!

I’ve learned a lot about what is mine to share and what is D’s to share… and what will be Munchkin’s to share. I have learned these boundaries by making mistakes. I like to learn the hard way. I have over-shared at times though D has really only called me out on it once. I fixed it and we got past it, like most of our blips and bloops on our adoption journey.

I think that’s what makes adoption blogging so difficult.

I can write just about anything about the family that lives under my roof. I’m participating in the making of these stories. As long as I am not putting my husband’s job in jeopardy, I am pretty much free to share what I please. I do censor myself in some ways, refusing to share anything about our sexual relationship not really because I’m a prude but because my husband’s grandparents read our blog. (There’s an ick factor there when it comes to sex, no?) Again, while I may share about fires, I don’t share details of the fire itself and more often share about what I experienced, at home, while he was off fighting. When I share about the kids, I don’t post pictures of naked tushies or anything overly embarrassing. As Dawn said in her comment to the question, I will always give the family veto power.

But it works differently in adoption.

It’s not always possible to share only my story. Our stories, as they pertain to adoption, get tangled together in different ways. We also view things differently, react to them differently and experience them on different levels and in different ways. I think I mostly make that clear in my writing but I suppose that can get lost in translation.

I rarely write about the Munchkin herself here, sans-really cute stories of our conversations or the occasional discussion of something she is experiencing. Why? I don’t want to step on D’s toes. The truth is that when it comes down to it, she’s the mommy and should therefore be the mommyblogger. You know? I tend to back off in that area, moreso than I used to do. As Shannon pointed out, I’m more apt to talk about theory and ethics and what not rather than the ins and outs of our story. Or my own healing process which still has to be edited at times. It’s difficult, this adoption blogging.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the lines in the sand of this topic shift from time to time. During difficult times, I find it safer, for all, if I hold back a little. During times of ease, I find that it’s a bit more acceptable to go back and rehash some things (respectfully) or share a little more about current stuff. Shifting shifting. It’s probably more about learning what and when than about a hard and fast rule. At least for me. For us.

But this blog? It’s always been radical.

In fact, at various points in time, it’s been too radical for public consumption. People don’t want to hear a story of a mother who was very sick while pregnant and got eaten up by an unethical agency intent on making money. People don’t want to hear the story of the grief and loss that accompany the relinquishment of a child. After all, I deserved that pain, didn’t I? I chose to open my legs. I chose to “give away” my baby. This is all my fault, after all. Why don’t I just shut my trap? People don’t want to hear about a birth mother who isn’t a crack addict, a whore, homeless or somehow less than them. It makes them uncomfortable that I’m a great mother, a hardworking writer and a pretty darn good cook to boot. They squirm in their seats and realize that they’re not better than me and that makes them question the industry, society, themselves. They need for me to be something else, something less than what I am. They can’t handle the truth that I bring to the table.

I’m too radical for the mommyblogger world.

This blog is not accepted as a “mommy blog” despite the fact that it falls under that umbrella. My input is not welcome. I have nothing of value to say because it’s too scary, too real. Of course, I know all of this to be hogwash. I know those that have come to me to ask questions, to find support. I know the lives that have been changed because I’ve dared to speak my story, to be a radical, open adoption birth mother giving a voice to the need for adoption reforms.

I know other mothers like me, not just birth mothers, who are pushing back against a world that doesn’t want them to speak their stories. They also lead rather calm, normal lives. They don’t compromise who they are, what they do. And yet, Dawn isn’t shunned because she’s the adoptive mom, the savior in the equation. Until she comes to our defense and then she gets the same hate mail.

I still wonder when a birth mother will be allowed to stand on a stage at a blogging conference and talk. And it’s not for lack of trying. We’re not wanted, despite being mothers and bloggers. We’re told to sit down, shut up. When I mention adoption over on the family blog, like in my birth story, people don’t know what to say. They click away. What do you say to someone that you look down on (for no good reason)? And yet I’m invited to speak at adoption conferences because I’m a well-accepted blogger to those people. But to mommybloggers? Unacceptable.

I’ll keep writing here. I’ll keep pushing back against a society, against a blogosphere that wants me to be quiet. It’s what I do. It’s how I heal. It’s how I make sense of what has happened, how I push to ensure that other mothers are not treated like me as they make their way through the adoption industry. It’s how I find the strength to go on.

And then the anxiety started to build as I knew, without looking, that the number of unread posts was growing. And growing.

I started visiting blogs that I wanted to visit. I read what I wanted to read, ignoring my Google Reader button my toolbar. Then I got my new laptop… and I didn’t even put the Google Reader button on my toolbar. It’s funny, really. I had some time to write and read and generally do things other than… read blog.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy reading blogs. I love it. In fact, I really thrive on it. But I went through a phase where I subscribed to every single adoption blog ever written. I even subscribed to Google and Yahoo! searches on adoption so that any time anyone on the internet mentioned the words adoption, birth mother or open adoption, my Google Reader got a little alert with a link where I would hop over to the blog or news article and, if it was the former, I would subscribe.

For awhile, I read in earnest. I read everything, beginning to end. I frequently commented. I linked. I stumbled. I tweeted. And then I hit a brick wall. I became overwhelmed and over-stimulated by adoption speak. I didn’t want to consider any more of the ethical implications of the industry. I didn’t want to listen to parents on either side of the triad refuse to consider anything but their own experience. And, really, selfishly, I didn’t want to hear that my experience was invalid by people who couldn’t accept that differing experiences are okay, that they’re good. I didn’t want to bury my head in the sand and ignore everything, despite what my subject line says. But I just needed to concentrate on something other than All Adoption, All the Time.

And so, just this past week, I deleted every last blog in my Reader. In fact, the first time I tried, the process failed. I almost took that as a sign but, I hit the button again and everyone flew out the window. I deleted all of my folders and tags and started anew. I added friends first, wanting to keep up to date with their lives. Then I added some fun things, some blogging things. And, eventually, I added some adoption specific blogs back to the list. Not all of them. In fact, not many. I do imagine the list will grow but, right now, it sits at a manageable number.

I think I know why I had to make this change, to limit how much adoption is in my life and how much other stuff sucks up my time. I think, however, the reason is based on a whole other post that is still forming in my head. In short, however, my life is less ruled by adoption nowadays. I’m finding a good balance. I like it, my life, this balance.

In closing, all I meant to say is that if you haven’t noticed my IP address on your blog in quite some time, I’m not snubbing you personally. Please go ahead and send me links (via email or tweets) if you think that I should know or respond to something of adoption importance. I’m sure, as I continue on in my return to Google Reading, I will be adding more adoption specific bloggery to my list.

Maybe…

The article is somewhat disheartening. I didn’t start this blog about our adoption journey because I wanted to be famous or because I needed to be financially independent or for anything other than the simple fact that I needed to write my adoption journey. Writing is a part of who I am from the inside to the outside. It’s what I do. It is what I have always done. (I just recently found a binder full of horribly written poetry dating back to sixth grade. And, no, I won’t be sharing it with you.)

My need to write, in order to process and heal, created quite a following here for awhile. And then came my period of quiet, of silence if you will. As things took unexpected turns in our adoption journey and as I dealt with all of those changes while simultaneously battling postpartum depression, I didn’t have as much to write. And during that time, I didn’t worry about my numbers (they went down) or my so-called fame (because those who cared stuck around) or anything of that nature.

Like my life, this blog has experienced highs and lows. I treasure the moments in which someone has related to what I said but, at the same time, I treasure the posts in which no one commented but I made an exceptional stride toward my healing. This blog has been what it has needed to be for me at every step and with every change in my life. It has been an emotional sounding board. It has been a place to promote ethical changes in adoption reform. It has been a place to support adoptees in their fight for their Original Birth Certificates. It has been a place where I have seen my writing grow and change. More over, it has been a place where I have seen myself grow and change. I have grown into my role as a birth mother. I have grown into my own skin. (I like me, guys. I’m pretty awesome!)

This blog does not make me rich. Neither does the family blog. In fact, my gig over at Adoption Blogs doesn’t rake in a whole lot of dough. But all three blogging experiences brings all kinds of different things to my life. Here, though the words have been slow as of late, I am free to explore, to play with words. While I’m more to-the-point at the family blog, I am a bit more abstract here. Where I give more fact than emotion at Adoption Blogs, I get to the core of the emotion over here. When I put it all together, I am a whole person on paper, or, rather screen.

Blogging shouldn’t be about what you can get. Blogging should be about what you can give. I’ve given all of me, I’ve shared all of me. And since my love for blogging is more of a love for writing, for words, I don’t see the giving ending any time soon. There is an ebb and a flow but not an end to my love for writing.