I just finished reading The Shack. As I said on twitter, it wasn’t an easy read. It wasn’t. Death of children and spiritual issues that are hard to wrap your head around don’t always go down the same way as a light, summer chick-lit romance. However, it was a soul-searching, powerful read for me. Near the end of the book, a paragraph reached out and grabbed me, hard, and forced me to listen, to consider how it applied to my life.

Mack, just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn’t mean I orchestrate the tragedies. Don’t ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I needed it to accomplish my purposes. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.

I had to put the book down after I dog-eared the page. (Apologies to my Mother as it is her book.) I sat for a minute, really thinking about that paragraph. For those not familiar with the book in question, that particular paragraph is spoken by God. Far-fetched to be sitting down and discussing the ins and outs of how the world works with God while still alive.. or is it? I won’t debate the dramas of the book that are being had by those who are overly religious and not at all in tune with the fact that God can do whatever God pleases. I will however apply the above paragraph to my life.

To our adoption story.

It has never set well with me when adoptive parents say something like, “God meant for this child to be ours.” Those words always struck me as off, wrong somehow. I couldn’t quite argue as to why though. I mean, God knows the plans that He has for our lives. Right? As such, who am I to argue that He didn’t plan for me to become pregnant so that D could be her mother. That paragraph spoke to me and to the situation and to the reasons why the theory that God wanted me to hurt simply isn’t true.

God didn’t intend for me to be separated from my firstborn child, my only daughter. The religious but compassionless among us can claim that to be so but that’s not what was intended. I made choices, out of my free will, that lead me to a place to make a decision. Hindsight leads me to believe that I could have spent a little more time in prayer over that decision, which is not to say that I didn’t pray but, still, hindsight is very good at assuming such things. That aside, I believed that I was making the best decision I could at the time. God didn’t want me to hurt and suffer. That’s not the intent here. And I am so very thankful that he sent D.

Separating a mother and child, even in a necessary situation (abuse, neglect) is a tragedy. It just is. It causes trauma to the mother, to the child. You can debate that a newborn placed at birth and a two year old removed by CPS will have varying levels of trauma and I’ll agree with you. That aside, the traumas of the tragedy exist. From the point of my signature, the actual point of the definite decision to place, God began working through that plan, that course of action. Free will is tricky like that.

Just because we have a beautiful relationship doesn’t mean that the grief and loss I have experienced are what God intended for my life. Just because I have spoken of His healing presence in my life doesn’t mean that God’s heart didn’t break with mine when I placed her in someone else’s arms. As He continues to work through me and in me, I hope that more peace and more hope are given not only to myself but to others. But I wasn’t put on this Earth merely to be a vessel for someone else’s child. I made choices. I made decisions. And through those decisions, God worked with me and through me.

Now if I could only accept the forgiveness offered for what I feel that I have done wrong. Some days I think I have. Other days I know I have not. More work to be done.

The Tragedy of Separation and God’s “Plans” is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.