When I heard that Steve Jobs stepped down for Apple — and it sunk in as to what that really meant — I found myself sniffling back tears.

When I read an article from TechCrunch that Laurie shared and learned that Steve is an adoptee, I wept openly. There was no way I was getting through that article without tears when I read how his birth mother made his adoptive parents promise to send him to college.

Every mother — biological, birth, adoptive, step, you name it — wants their children, however they are theirs, to have all the best in life. So often young, expectant mothers are told that if we just do this one thing — relinquish our children — that we are guaranteeing them a better life. Sometimes that’s not true. Sometimes it is. The path that Jobs’ birth mother took changed the world as we know it, thus proving again that adoption does not only affect the child, the adoptive parents and the biological parents. It changes the course of a life. And sometimes that life changes our lives, however far separated we are from that one decision, that one name on a line.

I was tender after learning about Jobs’ and his history with adoption. I pondered, briefly, where his birth father is, if he was still alive and what he thought about everything. I got my answer from a rather sensationalized piece in the New York Post. It’s not even really a horrible piece with finger-pointing and blame-games; I just find it completely inappropriate time wise. Jobs and his family are dealing with so much right now. The guilt trip tone of the article seems rather crass, placing blame on Jobs instead of taking blame for being the one not to reach out to his son.

I do have compassion — to a point — for Abdulfattah John Jandali. Mostly in the same way that I have compassion for other birth fathers who were simply left out of the adoption decision. As he said in the piece, he thinks that failing his two living children (he and Jobs’ birth mom, Joanne, had another daughter together after they married but they later separated and divorced) caused him to never have children. I’d take that back one step farther and argue that the relinquishment decision that he was not involved shaped how he parented or, in his case, became an absentee father. It’s hard to tell, of course, and we’ll never know the answer. But as someone parenting two children post-relinquishment, I maintain that the adoption shapes and contorts and affects my parenting, my decision making and my abilities.

Where my compassion runs out, however, is his inability to reach out to his biological son before time runs out. I believe that Jandali is not after Jobs’ money, as he so worries will be thought if he reaches out. But this is it, Jandali. This is it. It’s honestly now or never. And if you can’t get over “what people might think” to let your son know that he is loved? Well, you’ll live with that. I wonder if that’s why Kristin Chenoweth’s birth mother won’t reach out. Or why other celebrity adoptees refuse to meet their birth parents. I wonder if those birth parents are feel satisfied in knowing that something they took a chance on — relinquishment — ended up in a good way. I don’t know.

I do know this: If I didn’t have contact with the Munchkin when she was a famous, world-changing adult and she was dying, I wouldn’t be worried if society, her parents or even she thought that my contact meant that I wanted her money. I would suck up pride and fear and whatever else was holding me back and I would just do it. Nothing in this world would be able to keep me from telling my daughter that I loved her, that I was proud of her and that I would miss her terribly.

My thoughts go out to all those who are a part of Steve Jobs’ life at this time.

Say Goodbye is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

I was put off by Sandra Bullock’s delayed announcement of the adoption of her son, Louis. I tried to blog about it but I couldn’t quite find the words. I started and abandoned a few drafts, unable to succinctly say what was really bothering me. In fact, at that point, I couldn’t quite pin-point what was even bothering me.

The news came out today that Sheryl Crow has adopted another son, Levi James (two names I adore, by the way). He was born on April 30. It’s June 4th. Not quite the delay that Bullock gave us but, still, a delay. Without details from Crow just yet, we don’t quite know if, like her first son’s adoption, if this is another domestic adoption. If it is, we don’t know if Levi spent some time in foster care before being adopted by Crow, hence the delay.

But I have some questions and reservations about the “hush-hush” that is surrounding recent adoption announcements in Hollywood.

First and foremost, I hate society’s unending pestering of celebrities. The only reason I know about these particular issues is because I subscribe to Google Alerts for any/all things adoption. I understand that celebrities desire some peace and quiet in their lives. They’re hounded and it’s not right. I’d probably keep my family life as private as possible if I was a celebrity as well. If the one and only reason these celebrities have for delaying these announcements is to avoid the paparazzi, well, I can almost support that idea.

Almost.

I’m hesitant to support any kind of secrecy in adoption. I thought we had pulled away from the Baby Scoop Era and moved toward something a bit more open. Even those who don’t support open adoption and on-going relationships with first families can admit that society’s past love-affair with secrecy in adoption wasn’t always the best choice. So when I see someone keeping a child’s addition to a family secret, even briefly, I kind of prickle. Again, I’m assuming that the secrecy is based upon a desire to avoid the media hounds. But still. They wouldn’t keep it a secret if they were growing a baby in their belly. I mean, we’ve got word that John Travolta’s wife is expecting another. Why treat the two differently?

What’s the big deal about adopting?

Or, perhaps the question should be: what’s the big deal about adopting domestically?

When celebrities head to other countries, we know. We follow them on their trips. We hound them even more. We get those first pictures. We discuss them at great detail. International adoption among the celebrity set is not so hush-hush. It’s celebrated and, even when controversial, widely reported. Which brings us back to the question: why the secrecy when adopting within our own country?

Are the celebrities who have chosen to adopt domestically afraid of birth parents? Do they delay the announcement so that a birth mother who signed the TPR without choosing a family in the state which a celebrity adopted doesn’t do some math, look a bit closer at the baby and say, “HEY!” Even if the birth mother is actively involved in the placing of her child with the celebrity and forced to sign some kind of privacy contract, perhaps the delay is so that extended family members and friends of the once pregnant mother don’t take a closer look and say, “HEY!” If these are children who were adopted through foster care from mothers whose babies were taken immediately at birth, are these celebrities afraid the families will figure it all out?

I don’t want to be a celebrity. I’m sure it’s hard. I have no doubt.

But I’d really like to have a sit down with these two women (two women I admire, really) and have a heart-to-heart. I can’t imagine that the thought of an open adoption would seem all that appealing to anyone who absolutely had no control over the privacy of their own life. In fact, as a birth mother, I wouldn’t want to have a fully open adoption in that case; how could you visit your child?

Which leads me to the thought that perhaps the celebrities have chosen to delay their adoption announcements to protect the birth family. Again, what person wants to worry about going to the grocery store or have their life history aired on Entertainment Tonight? Maybe these celebrities are acting out of good faith, protecting those who made them mothers.

I don’t know the answer.

I don’t expect to receive the answer either. I go back to hoping that someday a celebrity is going to champion the efforts for ethical adoption reform or adoptees’ fight for their Original Birth Certificates or… something. I put this all out there in hopes that someday we’ll see something a bit more different.

I’m not asking that celebrities give us full disclosure in everything that they do. I am asking that celebrities who choose adoption realize that they are automatically spokespeople for the rest of us, whether they desire that role or not, and that they act accordingly.

Thoughts on Recent Adoption Announcements is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.

Why is adoption around every last corner lately?

I bought Kristin Chenoweth’s book A Little Bit Wicked because I love her, the musical and needed something new to read. The first chapter of the book jumps straight in to how Chenoweth was adopted by her real mom and has no interest in her biological mother. Or, birth mama, as she called her at one point.

That’s fine and dandy. We’re all allowed to feel how we do about the experiences we live. That’s not my issue right now.

My issues, however, is that I just wanted to read a book about an amazingly talented woman and her amazing experiences with music and television and Broadway and life in general. As I am not a celebrity stalker, I had no idea she was adopted. And now, instead of enjoying a book, I’m forced to remember that, to much of society, including those touched by adoption, I mean nothing.

I hate that feeling. I especially hate when that feeling gets thrust upon me when I least expect it. I was just planning on delving into the trials, tribulations and triumphs of musical life. And, BAM! I’m unnecessary! I’m nothing more than a way for a baby to be delivered to the proper family! I serve no purpose!

Yes, I’m being oversensitive. Yes, I do respect her right to feel the way that she does. But, yes, oh yes, I hope that my daughter sees me as more than just… nothing. I don’t need for her to bestow upon me the special title of mom or mother or even anything more than my first name. But if she ever tells me that I served no other purpose in her life than choosing her real mom*… I do imagine that would be quite heartbreaking. I’d accept it, of course, as, once again, she’ll have a right to feel however she does and I won’t ever force her to love me more than I know she already does. But that respect and acknowledgment that she can feel how she feels wouldn’t erase my heartbreak.

And so I hope Chenoweth understands when I say that I respect how she feels but that I hope my daughter doesn’t feel the same. And here’s hoping that the mention of adoption doesn’t go past this first chapter!

[* = Minus the possibly turbulent teenage years. I'll be prepared for purposefully heartbreaking statements to be thrown in my direction. I remember being a teenage girl and I didn't have the same issues on my plate. Different ones but not the same.]

A Little Bit … Grumpy is a post from The Chronicles of Munchkin Land. Want more Chronicles? Like our page on Facebook! If you have questions, please contact me or @ me on twitter.