01

A Word on Grief

I had forgotten how deeply grief cuts. I had forgotten how one compounds another. I had forgotten how grief sometimes feels immobilizing and then, in the same breath, makes you want to take on the world, change how things work or how things are perceived.

It’s been one month since Grandpa died. Today I’m calling the florist and rescheduling the rest of our week as my husband’s Uncle died yesterday morning. Most of the time I’m on a sort of auto-pilot, unaware of my surroundings or, at the very least, protecting myself from the totality of it all. I allowed myself one breakdown yesterday, late in the morning, after the initial shock had worn off. I threw the shock guard back up; feeling fully is too raw right now. I don’t really want to feel right now. I need the auto-pilot function. The denial stage of grief exists for a reason.

All of this makes me think about my grieving process regarding Munchkin’s placement. I was in the denial, auto-pilot function for quite some time. Speaking for myself and not all birth mothers, I simply needed to be there for awhile. There were times when I did take that shock guard down, allowed myself to cry or rant or generally fall apart but, really, I stayed in a bubble that year. If I hadn’t attended her first birthday party, I might have stayed there for a longer period of time. I’m glad I did. The process of feeling, sorting through everything and finding my own path let me live a much fuller life than I lived that first year.

I was discussing adoption grief and death grief with another person attached to adoption the other day. She asked me, “Are they similar?” My answer is that I simply don’t know and I really can’t compare. I hadn’t yet experienced true death grief prior to placing and it’s been six and a half years since I first felt the tidal wave of grief associated with relinquishment. I know that the loss I felt after I placed the Munchkin was all-consuming. There were days when I didn’t eat, drink or really move. I had awful thoughts of harming myself when I allowed myself to peek outside the heavy cloak of denial. But years have passed regarding that grief in my life. The physical feeling of the panic that accompanies grief has faded. I don’t feel it twist my stomach. It doesn’t keep me up at night any longer. It is a part of my life. The newer grief of these recent losses does twist my stomach. I can’t sleep. I have no appetite. The physical aspects of grief are here, eating at me even though I’m trying to ignore their presence.

The problem with me, in my situation, comparing adoption and death grief is that, blessedly, I get to see the Munchkin. I will never see my Grandpa again. They are apples and oranges. I’m trying to find two vastly different things that weigh so much on the human heart and mind to compare them to and, really, I can’t. They are their own unique fruits of comparison. I can only say that, for me, the similarities and differences are too hard to compare and contrast with so much time having gone by. I can say that each has affected me on a core level. I have been changed by both experiences.

Someday I hope that my stomach stops twisting and turning and that I can sleep properly. For now, I am reliving the stages of grief, seemingly over and over. I accept that this is what needs to happen right now. Mostly.

2

Knowing the Love

I’m missing Grandpa.

As with any death, the week spent at home was mostly spent talking about and remembering the man that was my grandfather, my Papau. All kinds of stories were told. Lots of laughter was had as he was a man that was always smiling. In the midst of these stories, I was remembering a discussion I had with Papau this past September. Without vocalizing that story, I learned another that recently happened between my mother, my grandma and my grandpa.

The topic was adoption.

My grandma was the first one to whom I mentioned adoption. I stayed with them after the surgery on my kidney as my parents were away in Las Vegas. (You know, because I can’t have an emergency when those who need to help me are available. As further evidence, my husband was working when the call came that my grandfather died. I digress.) I asked her about it since I had just been told I would be on bed rest, unable to work for the duration of my pregnancy. I was only 18 weeks pregnant. I panicked. She said the typical things like it would be noble and everything would work out.

The discussion that was had recently went back to that very first discussion. My grandfather, who got to see the Munchkin last May, said, “She never asked me.”

He’s right. I didn’t.

He went on to say that he would have probably told me not to place. That’s neither here nor there. I can’t change the past. The point of this post is that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my grandpa loved the Munchkin, too. He let me talk about her where other family members, without malice, will often change the subject. He asked after her, after her parents. He always loved when I showed him a new picture. And when he saw her this past May, he talked for conversations after conversations about how beautiful she was/is every single time I would call. For months. He loved her. He loved me.

And I am glad that I am able to know that in light of his loss.

I miss him. His love was so wonderful. And I know that. I hope that someday I’m able to share that love he had for her properly so that the Munchkin knows as well. I hope she’ll know. I know but I hope she’ll know.