In Between Moments

 Open Adoption  9 Responses »
Mar 062012
 

There are little moments, unexpected little things, that brighten my world.

I logged onto Facebook late the other night for a last minute look around before forcing myself to head to bed. In between the links people had shared to something that had moved them and the shameless self-promotion (which there’s nothing wrong with) and the whining about the weather and the bragging about the weather and the political whinging and the pictures of cute kids and the woe is me and the omg! and the game updates (which I have mostly hidden, but the Internet keeps churning out new games all the time to hide) and the everyday stuff of Facebook…

was a beautiful picture of my daughter.

I immediately messaged Dee to see how she had fixed her hair like that; it was new and different and, of course, stunningly beautiful. She told me and we marveled over how awesome that child’s hair really is; and, without a doubt, it most certainly is the best hair. Ever.

It was an unexpected glimpse into my daughter’s life. I most often always know the big stuff, the important stuff: when she’s sick, when she’s struggling with something. Dee tells me these things without fail as she is dedicated to keeping the relationship alive. Also, we act as bouncing boards for one another. (Last night’s topic of discussion was: “How DO you get really bad vomit smell out of the carpet?”) We talk, a lot, about our kids and what to do and how to do it and why on Earth do they do what they do and so on.

But I miss some of that in between. The stuff that isn’t extremely good or extremely bad. That in between stuff that is just the normal everyday of life, like a new hairstyle.

Getting to see it, to hear about it, to marvel at her beauty for just a bit was a beautiful moment for which I am quite grateful.

Facebook Privacy Changes and Adoption

 Techie Talk  12 Responses »
Sep 212011
 

Oh, Facebook.

I love you, I hate you, all in the same breath.

There are some great reasons to love you. I mean, I’m friends with my daughter’s Mom on Facebook. I got to see photos and video of her awesome guitar performance this past weekend. That was such a thrill, and I thank you for providing the technology that made it easy to share that information in one place. (Of course, uploading photos and video to multiple places isn’t all that hard nor is viewing them in different places. But, still, I’m grateful.)

But today your privacy chances made me a bit upset, Facebook. Here’s why.

While I am always a grand proponent of openness and honesty regarding adoption, not all people feel this way, agree with my chosen path or understand what an open adoption is, should or could be. Some of these people are in my family, sadly. All of my cousins have friended me on Facebook. As I am 8-15 years older than those with accounts currently, there are some things I would rather them not see. They don’t need to read some of the links I share about adult issues just yet. And, when you factor in the point that their parents have never told them about my daughter, well, I found it best to leave them on my “Limited Profile.”

With Facebook’s previous settings, I was able to make sure that my “Limited Profile” people didn’t have access to my wall. At all. Ever. It was just safer, until my aunts and uncles realized that there is nothing to be ashamed of and/or recognized that secrecy in families and in adoption is detrimental. I was going to leave it in their hands. Today, Facebook, you totally blew that plan out of the water. Your privacy changes deleted the ability to restrict your wall under previous settings. It took me 30 minutes to find out that you have a “new” security function, meaning that if I select people to be “Restricted,” they can’t see my wall. But wouldn’t it have been great if you would have just told me about the new feature without removing previous security measures and gave me time to move people over to how you want to work things now?

So, hey, Facebook, I don’t know whether to thank you or hate you. You either just outed me to my cousins and thus caused an interesting meal discussion with their parents tonight that may involve angry phone calls about how I need to be more careful or helped enlighten a few members of my family without the drama of sitting down and “talking about it.”

–

But really, it was somewhat frustrating for me today. I acknowledge that my aunts and uncles are allowed to parent their children in the way that they see best fit. (Though, after each cousin has turned 18, I have removed them from the Limited Profile. They’re 18. They can handle the truth.) And it’s not Facebook’s fault that some of my aunts and uncles seem to feel ashamed of me, even though the claim that’s not the reason they have never told their children. It’s just further proof that secrecy has no place in adoption anymore. You can try. You can think it will be for the best of everyone involved. But all it takes is a security change on a website service that the large majority of people happen to use, and everything is out in the open.

Let’s ditch the secrets, shall we? They do us no good. Because, at the very least, it gives me a headache while I try to figure out how to respect the wishes of aunts and uncles who do me disrespect by refusing to acknowledge my whole family.

Oh, Facebook.

(Speaking of, I created a Facebook page for this blog just yesterday. Ha.)

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