Oh, people. They sure do ask interesting questions when it comes to adoption. That’s the theme behind the latest Open Adoption Roundtable prompt:
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
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People rarely ask me how Dee and the Squatch feel about adoption. Maybe it’s assumed that all adoptive parents feel freaking fantastic about it and therefore there’s nothing to ask. I don’t know why I’m not asked how they feel. That, in itself, is an interesting question. People do ask me why Dee adopted the Munchkin, as in what is wrong with her insides. I usually default to, “She wanted to be a parent.” Isn’t that why we all turn to whatever path we take to achieve that goal?
I do need to share a story though, where another birth mother recently passed judgment on Dee and the Squatch and I managed not to punch her in the face. I was pretty proud of myself.
For those who aren’t in my very small circle of adoption news trust, my daughter’s mom and her husband are in the process of adopting. That’s all I’ll tell you about that as you don’t need to know the details. It’s not your business. However, I was recently trying to share a story about something entirely unrelated and their process to adopt got inserted into the conversation. Someone who doesn’t know me, who doesn’t know my story, who doesn’t know how Dee and I both feel about ethics in adoption, who doesn’t know a lick about the hard work that Dee and I have done to create an amazing relationship, acted like it was horrifying that Dee was adopting a(nother) child. I couldn’t tell if she was calling her greedy for wanting a third child (hello! I’d like a third child!) or if I cut her off before she finished her statement about the children being from, in essence, three different families. But I did cut her off. And here’s why:
People have made horrifying comments about me, my decision to relinquish the Munchkin and what that must mean about my character. They have then crossed over the line and made comments about how it’s “odd” that “they” let me have other children, whoever “they” is anyway. Let’s get something straight: Commenting on another woman’s reproductive and associated family-building decisions is completely out of line. I don’t care what your excuses are, what your reasoning is: you are in the wrong. That time that you made the comment about the girl who had four babies by a very young age? Wrong. That time you commented on a mother of an advanced age having a baby and/or adopting? Wrong. That time you told someone that they had too many kids? Wrong. That time you poked fun at your friend with only one child? Wrong. That time you told a friend that she was abnormal for not wanting children? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s simply not your business.
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As far as how Dee handles the question “why did Munchkin’s birth mom give her up,” I hope she handles it in whatever way feels comfortable with her at any given time. If she feels comfortable enough to launch into information about my kidney disorder and the subsequent path I chose, so be it. If she just wants to give a pat answer of, “It was what she felt was best at the time,” that’s fine too. If she wants to say, “I don’t know, why don’t you call her!” Well, I’d love to talk to someone who was being too nosy and making Dee uncomfortable. If she wants to give some sarcastic, off-the-cuff answer, I’d give her a high five later. If she wants to say, “I don’t know,” I wouldn’t be mad that she “lied.” I’ve given answers in the past to get out of an uncomfortable situation and I wouldn’t fault her for doing whatever she needed to in order to “get out” of a conversation.
Point: I trust Dee with sharing that part of our shared story, because I know that she loves the Munchkin and wouldn’t do wrong by her with her words. She also loves me and respects me as her daughter’s birth mother, as a friend, as a woman, as a mother and as a human being. If she wants to explain, she’s free to do so. If she isn’t up to it on any given day, the one asking the question needs to back off and give her room.
She could, of course, cut them off and tell them, “Asking this question is inappropriate. It’s wrong.” Because it is. Maybe she could send them to Burgh Baby’s post. Or here. I don’t care. You don’t need to know my reasons unless you know me and you want to understand my journey better. (Or, uh, she could point them to my blog, sharing the knowledge with them that I don’t and won’t share everything.) I feel that asking an adoptive parent why the birth parent “gave up” the child in question is even more inappropriate than asking me why they adopted — mainly because I hear that the adopted child will be in ear shot when the question is asked. (I’ve seen it happen, people. What is wrong with you?)
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I do want to know, however, what’s the worst/most inappropriate comment/question you’ve received about the opposite party in your adoption relationship? I have this feeling that adoptive parents may have the worst stories. Sadly, I don’t want to be proven wrong.