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RSVP, Just Me

I’ve had the invitation to D & M’s wedding for a good week now. I just filled it out last night. I didn’t want to fill it out but not for the reasons that the adoption world would be quick to assume.

My husband cannot attend the wedding with me. The wedding falls on his shift day and thanks to how our vacation falls this year, he is out of vacation days, minus one to be used for the boys’ birthdays, until the end of the year. (Everything will be much easier next year when he hits his five year anniversary with the fire department and is given three weeks of vacation instead of two.) To boot, due to the size of the wedding, the boys will not be attending with me either. We’ve known that for a long time. My parents are excited to have them for yet another weekend. (Grandparents and their grandkids, I swear.)

So it’s just me.

I don’t like when it’s just me with my daughter’s family and their friends and acquaintances. Will some people be thinking, “Where is her husband? Where are her kids? Is she still dysfunctional? She can’t even keep a man?” I know it’s far-fetched. I know people will likely be thinking about their own issues or, you know, focusing on the bride (as they should be!). But while I am normally a rather confident individual, if you strip me of my husband and my children and throw me into this particular adoption relationship scenario, I don’t feel so confident. I feel like the same scared and unsure twenty-two year old trying to hide from the judgmental views of society.

But why should I? I am a great wife (most of the time). I am a fabulous mother (most of the time). I am a successful writer and editor. I own my own home. I am pretty awesome! Why should I let old fears ruin what should be a good time for me?

It’s hard, though, when I’m thrown into a situation where my biggest role/title is “birth mother.” Yes, I am a birth mother. But that’s not what I focus on, it’s not who I am. I am so many more things. And to walk into a room and have people think, first and foremost, “That’s the birth mother,” makes me want to scream, “I AM MORE! I AM SO MUCH MORE!” But I don’t really like to make scenes at weddings. It’s really not my style.

I write this here not to lament D’s wedding or to whine about her relatives or friends. I write this here because I’m scared to do this on my own even though I know that I have to, that I will. I am so very happy for D and I want to be there to support both her and M on their big day. And who wouldn’t want to see the Munchkin all dressed up?

I just hope that I’ll be okay, whether someone makes me wear the Scarlet B or not.